Saturday, April 17, 2010

He Ain't Them

That's what I have to keep telling myself. My child is not any of the low lifes I have been dealing with in the past or even my present. He is not my brother, he is not my uncles, he is not his father, he is not tired or worthless. He is just a boy who is afraid of his own shadow.

My brother was like my child...for as long as I can remember, I was always looking after him, taking care of him, defending him, worrying about him, parenting him, then he moved in with me because he had no where else to go. He asked me why didn't I have a car. He told me that I was nothing and never did nothing for him and would never be anything. I called his mother and told him that he had 24hrs to get his STUFF and get out. I didn't care how he got back to Chicago because I was done. That was 9 years ago, I haven't spoken to him since.

I didn't have a car because after I paid my rent, I spent majority of my money making sure that he had clothes on his back and shoes on his size 16 feet. I was making sure his insulin was being bought and that he had food to eat even when my cupboards were bare. But I never helped him, hmmph, I would never help him again. I knew my brother was selfish, ungrateful and was a user...he was like that when we were little, but I never thought he would be like that with me.

My uncles were lazy and scam artists and professional crooks. They are a perfect example of wasted raw talent. They preferred to hide their intelligence and be cool then be called nerds. Well one day they looked up and didn't have to worry about that because they only thing they were smarter than were the newborns in the hospital. Til this day, one of my uncle only knows how to read his name. I bet he wishes he could get a do-over.

He is not his father, even though on any given day he may look just like him. He is not his father even though lately he has taken to telling lies versus telling the truth. He is not his father even though he is toting half his DNA. He is not his father. Lawd, please don't let him be like that man. I knew his father was nothing when I met him, yet I still choose to bed him and planned to have his seed. I thought that the break would be easy and that I would go my way and he his. I thought that as long as the contact was limited that my child would have a fighting chance to contribute and not be a parasite to society. I had faith up until this last incident that we were going to dodge the bullet. Now I am not so sure.

Nevertheless, my child still has value. He still has a strong foundation. He is still a baby and I still need to fight for him. I can save him. He is not grown and giving me his behind to kiss. He is soon to be 7. His ways are not etched in stone even though they are going to be hard to break. I have to be patient. I have to constantly remind myself that even though he exhibits a lot of traits I may associate with them other dudes that turned out to be a lost cause that, He is not them and it's not fair for me to treat him like he is.

"It's not fair to displace your anger, frustrations, feelings in such a manner that you make everyone else pay for the mistake of another. We have to learn to separate our feelings and treat each new situation, even if it possess similarities to one gone bad, uniquely."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)