Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm Going To See the Wizard

Okay, I lied, I am really finally going to see a Quack.

And I kinda have mixed emotions about it. I mean on one hand, I want him/her to perform a miracle. I want him/her to sprinkle some fairy dust and make me all better. Or, I want him to sing a song about me having a heart, a brain or some courage and for me to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then I leave feeling better than before.

I want the pain of my childhood...erased. I want the pain of losing my babies... erased. I want the experience of being violated...erased. I want the frustration of feeling like a motherless, fatherless child...erased. But I really want the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved ERASED.

They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but the reality is, what doesn't kill you drives you insane. At least that has been my experience.

So, I know the Quack can't make all of my fears, frustrations, pains and disappointment disappear but I would like them to cuz my notion of coping is "just ignoring the situation" and well as i look at my toe, i know ignoring a situation hasn't quite worked out well for me in the past.

It's funny because I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with going to see a Quack even though I feel it will be totally beneficial for me... it's something about having it documented that I can't handle everything thrown at me...that I don't use the best coping techniques all the times...that it does matter A LOT when I put forth the effort to love someone and they don't love me back... it's like letting the world know that I am not as put together as they thought. (now I have been telling people for the longest that I am not as strong as they think I am but now it's like they gonna have proof) I know it's silly, but it's real. It's what I am feeling right now.

So I guess, on the other hand, I want to go and I want the Quack to tell me that I had the solution right under my nose that all I had to do was click my Nike's or Keds 3-4 times and that I would be where I want to be with who I want to be there with.

Nevertheless, I am going to go and lie on this couch and try and cram as much of my life into the one hour free consultation as I can.

Really the hard part has already been done... I already know my issues and WHY I have the issues, I just need to know how to fix, cope, deal with , maintain my issues.

"Sometimes we have to accept that there are no quick fixes to our issues and that the fix may be simply to maintain to the best of your ability until you can affect enough change to alter the course of your's kinda like playing cards, like when you are dealt a sucky hand that you can't throw back in, sometimes you just gots to put on your poker face, take a deep breath, and play that crappy hand and hope the next deal won't be so bad."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)


  1. I'm really pleased you are seeking help at last....I've been seeing a counsellor since February. Definitely helping, believe it or not but I find it hard to say what's buried really deep down inside. Things that I've never said to anyone ever. I'm not sure I ever will and do wonder if that means I will never be 'healed'. Its very painful at times, facing up to things that you would rather someone just wave a magic wand and erase them from your memory than talk about it. I really wish you the best of luck with it. Take care. x

  2. I hope you find someone you feel is helpful. I had the same fears as you the first time I saw a therapist. But the thing that kept me from chickening out was that I knew the things I was doing to "help myself" weren't working. You can't fix a problem with the same level of thinking you had when the problem started - Einstein said something like that. Take care of yourself and thank you for sharing your story.

  3. i'm very proud of you luv!!! As you well know therapy isnt that prevalent in the black community(it's never talked about and us as black women are supposed to be strong and handle our problems like troopers) instead of pouring your guts out in an hour try looking into a support group where you and those alike can share and heal together...your story is so familiar to me ive never lost any children but my baby sister has(4, to be exact) wow! your brave and you just dont realize how strong you are...god bless you sweetie. theres a book i want you to get called: still scarred, totally healed by patricia gardner...

  4. @Chic Mama,

    I don't know when my appointment will be...I have to wait until the insurance okays it but, I am going to go through with it cuz these bags of mine are ready to be thrown in the dumpster for good. I totally feel you about not wanting to share your deepest feelings/fears...I am/used to be like that.. I have another blog where I used to write and I am very guarded.. now I am free. I think my Dear John post has been the hardest for me to date.

    @ Beckie

    Thanks for stopping by and for sharing. You are absolutely right. I can't fix my own problem especially using my line of thinking.. It hasn't worked in all of these years so I am definitely ready to try something different.

    @Chocolate Girl

    girl, you know we don't be airing out our dirty laundry! (smile) but, i am about to sing like a canary. I am tired of carrying this load. I am so ready to live and love without restraint. I am going to make it my biznes to get that book either from the library or from the store. Thanks for your love and support, it means a lot to me. So often we as women get a kick out of seeing other women struggle or suffer so it's good to feel the love.

  5. dont worry bout it girl....had the name wrong its patrina gardner...theres two editions of what you need to do to get yourself right sweetie. and you have my email email me if you wanna talk...much luv!!