Wednesday, August 12, 2009
What Hurts the Most....
....is the letting go. (I think Mo' says it best)
Yeah, it's not really the official "we're done" because you could be done, and not really be done. I mean you could no longer be an item but still share certain privileges or perks. I think the re-training of your heart and mind to understand that whenever you are in a jam that you can't call him or her anymore is the killer. I think the realization that it's really over and that you have to move on is the hard part, when there is no more revolving door.
Me and He, yeah we have been done for a minute. A long minute. But not really done, done. It's like a bad movie stuck on repeat. We go through a phase where we are cool. I mean we are peaceably enough with each other. Then we get to acting like we are friends (you know where we actually talk about meaningful stuff) ... and then there's the phase where we both get horny at the same time (cuz it doesn't really work if only one of us is horny cuz the other one just shuts that one down) and get to kissing and hugging and ...well, then we have to stop cuz even though we both want to go there, we can't go there. So this phase is followed by the angry childish phase where I delete him as my facebook and myspace friend and he stops taking my phone calls and this goes on until we get back to our "we are cool" phase.
Well, I can't be no side meat. (not saying I ain't been the side meat before) I am and need to be the main course. And this is not to say he has a main meat...it's just saying that I made a vow to God that I am in jeopardy of breaking so I need to regroup, refocus, retreat, repent, and wait to be ringed up before I can engage in any more releasing.
But it's hard. I love him. (Yes, I love you Safeway) I love him like I have never loved another man before. And he is a man... and I think this is what frightened me the most. I mean after you get used to dealing with grown little boys, you get kinda flustered when you meet a grown man even if it's in a babe's body. So, I did what I think most people in my situation who had been through what I had gone through would have done... I pushed and pushed until I had pushed him away. And I have been running after him ever since.
And now I have to let him go for good because this back and forth is driving me insane; I wonder if it would be wrong if I told him:
"don't you touch her like you used to touch me
don't you love her like you really need me
don't you love her like you used to love me."
Monica, Hurts the Most
"Love lost, is it really better than never having loved at all? I am not sure about that, but I do know that if you are in loved or if someone is loving you, cherish the moment because it may be fleeting, seems like forever and always don't really mean forever and always any more."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)