Wednesday, August 12, 2009

What Hurts the Most....

heart broken the letting go. (I think Mo' says it best)

Yeah, it's not really the official "we're done" because you could be done, and not really be done. I mean you could no longer be an item but still share certain privileges or perks. I think the re-training of your heart and mind to understand that whenever you are in a jam that you can't call him or her anymore is the killer. I think the realization that it's really over and that you have to move on is the hard part, when there is no more revolving door.

Me and He, yeah we have been done for a minute. A long minute. But not really done, done. It's like a bad movie stuck on repeat. We go through a phase where we are cool. I mean we are peaceably enough with each other. Then we get to acting like we are friends (you know where we actually talk about meaningful stuff) ... and then there's the phase where we both get horny at the same time (cuz it doesn't really work if only one of us is horny cuz the other one just shuts that one down) and get to kissing and hugging and ...well, then we have to stop cuz even though we both want to go there, we can't go there. So this phase is followed by the angry childish phase where I delete him as my facebook and myspace friend and he stops taking my phone calls and this goes on until we get back to our "we are cool" phase.

Well, I can't be no side meat. (not saying I ain't been the side meat before) I am and need to be the main course. And this is not to say he has a main's just saying that I made a vow to God that I am in jeopardy of breaking so I need to regroup, refocus, retreat, repent, and wait to be ringed up before I can engage in any more releasing.

But it's hard. I love him. (Yes, I love you Safeway) I love him like I have never loved another man before. And he is a man... and I think this is what frightened me the most. I mean after you get used to dealing with grown little boys, you get kinda flustered when you meet a grown man even if it's in a babe's body. So, I did what I think most people in my situation who had been through what I had gone through would have done... I pushed and pushed until I had pushed him away. And I have been running after him ever since.

And now I have to let him go for good because this back and forth is driving me insane; I wonder if it would be wrong if I told him:

"don't you touch her like you used to touch me
don't you love her like you really need me
don't you love her like you used to love me."
Monica, Hurts the Most

"Love lost, is it really better than never having loved at all? I am not sure about that, but I do know that if you are in loved or if someone is loving you, cherish the moment because it may be fleeting, seems like forever and always don't really mean forever and always any more."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)


  1. Girrrlll, I think me and you are related. I've been in situations like this and you are so's hard to be really done. It's like you sleep, eat and breath that longing, that desire, and then you wake up one day and say, what in the heck is this...girl I am so feeling you.

  2. "I can't be no side meat" - fave quote. I totally get where you're coming from. It took me over two years to stop a "friendship" with my ex that was really anything but friendly. It was toxic (extreme use of this word) and we both had bad intentions. I cut him loose a few months ago (he may call it "blocked from my life" but whatevs) and I'm so much happier than I would've thought.

  3. @Queen Bee,
    Girl we might be, it is a small world. *smile* but i be feeling the same thing, i go around and read blogs and be like, man, that's exactly what i was thinking,feeling or going's crazy how different we may look but how similiar our situation are.

    @ One Sassy,

    I am trying to see that light at the end of the tunnel.. to see that I will be happier without him. I am not sure ours is toxic yet, but it definitely ain't healthy because my heart is still there and wants him but can't have him and well i think he just wants the

  4. ya know love its like carrie and big(sex and the city fan!!) she always wAnted to be friends with him and could never let him go and tried to remain friends and cut him off and kept takinjg him back you get the picture and ultimately,she let him go COMPLETELY!!! and let him find her ...they got married.sometimes the way to get the man you love is to let him find you and if he doesnt then he wasnt the one for you...we can let go with our actions and mouths and words but are we truly free? until we can say it with our hearts were not...good luck luv.

  5. @ chocolate girl, so you know I am going to have to google to see which one carrie was (lmbo) but yeah I feel you...that's me ane my love.. i keep holding on and in the process i am hurting myself. and i have said i have let him go but my heart still pitter patters for him ...which is why I sat my heart down on my vacation and had a talk with her... i think we have finally come to an understanding