Sunday, August 2, 2009

Blessed w/ A Lil Touch of Craziness


And I have been dealing with a full doze of crazy this entire weekend. So this would be the reason why I haven't been able to blog the last couple of days because I have been displaced from my blogging room. (I bootleg off wireless and can only get a signal from one room and my company was occupying that room)



So here is the long and short of it.. okay, it's probably gonna be pretty long, but, I haven't been here in a minute.


All of my life I have felt like a motherless child, left to fend and care for myself. There is nothing worse than living in a house full of people and feeling all alone. It seemed like everyone that I bonded with was taken from either by death or incarceration.


I had/have a father but just in the sense of the word. My father, there was/is something wrong with him. He is/was very aggressive toward his immediate family (meaning his wife and kids) but not to those around him. He doesn't know me or any of his other kids, which is sad seeing how we all grew up in the same household. He used to beat us and he used to beat my mother. He was mean and surly for no reason. He was super strong and became even stronger when provoked...this is the only reason he is still alive today cuz my brothers and I were going to put a cap in him but none of us wanted to be the sacrificial lamb that would most likely lose their life so the other two could attack from behind. So, he lives on, but he sleeps in a hard, lonely bed, so I guess karma does have a way of circling back round. I still am confused when people tell me that my father is a fun person to be around and that he is always laughing and is so jovial... I really don't have any fond memories of my father...I remember when his brother died, how he broke down and cried, I remember that was the first time I realized that he actually had feelings.



My mother, well she is a different kind of nut. Yeah, that right...she a crazy bad nut...like the one the squirrel threw down the drain in Chocolate Factory. All my life I thought she was crazy.. CRAZY for not leaving, CRAZY for staying, CRAZY for taking me past the other woman's house and pointing it out to me and I was only 5 years old, CRAZY for calling the police only to not press charges, CRAZY for allowing her family to pick sides only for her to go back to him, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her, CRAZY for allowing a man to abuse her children, CRAZY for coming back, CRAZY for believing it would ever change, CRAZY for allowing her mother to treat her children differently based on their color, CRAZY for not realizing something was wrong with her and seeking help, CRAZY for having favorites among her children....and the list goes on. And well, recently she told me she was diagnoised with having Bipolar and I instantly felt relieved... I was right all these years, it was something really wrong with this lady.. well it was really solidified when she said, "It's nothing wrong with me, I'm normal, just like anyone else, I just now have a label, and that's all it is, I don't have a mental illness." ( yeah, I tried to explain to her that bipolar is a form of mental illness, but who would have been the crazy one: the person arguing with the crazy person, or the crazy person?)



Well, that brings it back to me. I suffer from abandonment issues and I have anger management issues (meaning I used to bust people in the head and keep it moving). I used to deal with these issues by not dealing with them... I don't know if I thought they would just go away or what. I did a pretty good job of managing them, but the abandonment issues made/make it very hard for me to maintain close relationships with people. I tend to push them away so I don't have to deal with the issues of them leaving on their own. Well, part of me loving myself means that I have promised myself that I will get the help I need to deal with these issues because I do not want to be a prisoner to my insecurities or my anger any longer.


"So, if you are dealing with something, or need to deal with something that is kinda embarassing, know that the only one that can judge you, is also the only one that can really help you: God. Know that everyone is battling something whether they advertise it or not. You will never be able to love yourself until you free yourself of the weights that bind you. So if you can fix it, do so, if it's too big, give it to God and keep it moving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

6 comments:

  1. If you need a friend I am but an email away...
    Alli XXX

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  2. We dont get to choose our parents.

    We can choose how we plan to treat our children.

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  3. I'm so sorry for the crap childhood you had. I've never understood why a woman would stay with an abusive man apart from being scared but after what's happened in my life the past 2 years I can sort of understand. You go into your own sort of denial (don't get me wrong, H wasn't physically abusive- more mental)
    I'm glad your mum has got her diagnosis, hopefully she will start being a better mother.
    Do you get any sort of counselling? I think it would help- you deserve to be able to sort that out in your head,You didn't deserve that sort of upbringing.
    Take care. X

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  4. You make tears come to my eyes.

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  5. HEY LUV,

    WOW YOUR STORY HIT HOME FOR ME!!! MY DAD WAS ABUSIVE TO MY MOM ALSO AND ITS SOMETHING YOU NEVER FORGET..AS IVE GOTTEN OLDER I DONT TOLERATE THAT FROM ANY MAN!!!ILL KILL EM DEAD FO I LET HIM BEAT ME!!(SOUNDING LIKE SOPHIA) AS FAR AS THE COLOR ISSUE GOES ME AND MY TWIN WERE TREATED DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE WE WERE THE "DARK ONES"...SMH. SO SAD PEOPLE LET KIDS SEE THEM ACT THIS WAY...MY FATHER DIDNT HIT US ALOT OF HIS ANGER WAS DIRECTED AT MY MOM...WHY? IDK. KNOW WHAT FORGET THIS COMMENT STUFF, GO TO MY DASH...E-MAIL ME!!

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  6. @ Alli,

    Thanks so much..I will keep that in mind.

    @JB,

    You are right, we don't get to choose any of our parents and well for a long time, I don't think that I was being the parent I could be to my own child...(but for a lot of reasons) but I am determined to do better and each day I see improvement because I do not want to look up another day and the reflection staring back is that of my parents and not of mine..

    @Chic Mama

    No therapy, but I do think that I would benefit from it..i think I was too proud to seek it at first but I am at a point in my life where I want to be loved and I want to love with out all the self-doubt and insecurities...

    @Queen B,

    I can honestly say that this is the first time I didn't cry when thinking about it..I have/had another blog where I used to try and hash out the madness and it was kinda depressing and I used to cry all the time..but that's not where I am right now..right now I want to leave the past where it is, behind me so that I can go forward free of guilt, free of low self-esteem...etc..but crying is good, it cleanses the soul

    @choc girl,

    I will email you!

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