Tuesday, March 9, 2010
This is Dedicated to You ~ Blackberry Molasses
I remember the first time I heard Blackberry Molasses and how the words just spoke to my soul. I was looking for a constant in my life. Looking for something that would be consistent, persistent, long-lasting, steadfast...something that would never change.
The more things changed around me, the more I fought against changing, the more I resisted change, the more I despised and feared changed...the more that I became less of who I was and wanted to be, and the more I became like the people I used to pity.
I needed to be in control of something, anything...even if it meant in the end I was losing out...because controlling something was better than nothing right?
Then there was a time where I embraced change but for the wrong reasons. I allowed situations, pain, hurt, bitterness, disappointment and fear to change me, mold me, and almost destroy me....
But it didn't. Even though the pressures of pist poorly playing this game of life had changed my outer core, my outward appearance, it did not change my heart. Kinda like water and ice. The drop in temperature pressure will turn water into a solid hard matter (ice) but once you add some heat to that bad boy, that ice will revert back to it's original state, unchanged....
I like to give credit where credit is due because I did not do this on my lonesome. I did not pull myself up by my own bootstrap. I have stood on the backs and shoulders of many great people that entered this world before me. When I could not see a way out due to my tears blinding me, ordinary people stepped in and guided me. However, there is one person that I have consistently as of late, been overlooking and short-changing that I need to know that I appreciate and recognize that they are doing the best they can with the tools they currently have at their disposal.
I want to thank you for never totally giving up even when you felt you had no fight left in you. For not swallowing all of those pills stashed in that cocoa. For fighting tooth and nail for the things you believed in. For doing your best to try and break that dysfunctional, abusive parenting cycle. For recognizing that you cannot do it all and that sometimes you have to ask for help. For understanding that sometimes you have to be like that Lil Red Hen and just do it your darn self! For loving even if it was with limits instead of becoming totally embittered. For doing what you had to do to protect your heart until you were more fully capable of dealing with the things that caused you to seek cover in the first place. I want to thank you for pushing the envelope when it needed to be pushed. Flipping the boat when rocking no longer was enough. Thank you for being a leader for most of your life. Thank you for finally coming to the realization that sometimes you have to step out on faith and silence the naysayers.
THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always trying even though others would have you believe that you weren't trying hard enough. Thank you for reaching out for help when the load got too heavy for you to kick, pull, drag, let alone lift. Thank you for your wit and for your ability to find humor in your darkest hour. Thank you for being such a loving, caring, understanding person...thank you for finally realizing what a gem you truly are; how priceless you are.
Most importantly, thank you for coming to terms with most of the things that had control over you...for understanding that the only thing to fear was fear itself and for accepting the facts that the only thing that is constant, is change and that the best way to be in control of that change that is really inevitable is to be the change that you want to see in everybody else...to mimic the change you want for yourself, not just for others.
I love you and I am so very sorry that I have been neglecting you. I am so proud of the things you have done and I admire your sheer will to overcome any obstacle even when you would rather just lie down in self-pity. Know that I am now in it to win it, good, bad or indifferent.
Let the do-over begin. You are the captain of your own vessel. Happy New Beginnings to Me!
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Am!!!! (Smooches)