Sunday, March 14, 2010

You Are Appreciated ~ My Blessing in Disguise

I don't think I will ever be able to express to you how much I appreciate you...

I don't think all of my walls will ever be down long enough.

I mean I am truly a different person than the one that called you on the phone while you were at the airport...than the one that you texted days later trying to see if I had changed my mind about meeting you.

They say first impressions are lasting impressions AND I have been trying to erase the visual I left that afternoon.

I was so bitter, so confused, so angry, so hurt, so over it all.

I looked through you and dismissed you. I wrote you off without even giving you a chance to prove that you weren't as flaky and bland as the gray shirt you were sporting. Everything about you seemed syrupy and superficial. I mean if your representative appeared a little shady, I could just imagine what the real deal holyfield was like.

I chalked it up as something I would do, until I had figured out how to work pass, through, suppress the present pain. I prayed often for an answer of how I was going to go I was going to pick myself up and dust myself off after this bull toss. How was I going to go on...better yet, should I go on?

I was tired of going through the motions. I was tired of saying one thing and people hearing another. I was tired of trying, only to come up short. I was tired of watching other people living and being happy and me, surviving and being frustrated.

I prayed and you would call. I prayed and you would text.

You frustrated me because you thought you knew me and what I needed....

You irritated me because you didn't know me but you could almost see me.....

You challenged me with your super, passive aggressive way about things.

You tried your best to let me know that it was okay for me to be me, but you never understood that being the me that I was at that moment in time was too painful for me to be. It was too painful knowing that once again I was left to pick up the pieces of my heart. Left to make sense out of madness that would never ever really make sense. Left to decide whether it would ever be worth trusting and loving another person again. You asked me to trust you. You asked me to let you in.

How is it that you are able to lift me up even when I am not down? How is it that you care about things that shouldn't be a care of yours?

I have a timetable even though I know time is not mine. I have be searching and praying and praying and searching...looking for an answer that had been disguised only because I refused to see it.

So I thank you for attempting to care for me even though I am fully capable of caring for myself. You are appreciated (in my Tupac voice) and I do value your opinions (even though 90% of them are whack) and I do listen (even when I am being defensive) and I am learning to make application.

I just don't want to become too attached because letting go is harder than letting someone in...

"Blessings come in all shapes and sizes. You never know who or what God is going to use to bestow your next blessing on you. That's why it's important to treat each person and each occasion as if it's a gift from God...until proven otherwise."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)


  1. You said more than a mouth full. You said two mouths full.

  2. hey Queen!!! I have to come visit you.. As you see, the mouth is runneth over over here (lol) but you are right I said a lot and if I had said it when I needed to say it, I wouldn't have to say it now...but it is life and I am learning