Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday's Therapy ~ E (squared)
Emotionally Empty ~ that is what he said I looked like.
I wanted to tell him as he looked at me that I was beyond empty, that I was at the end of my rope and that I had untied the safety knot and that I was ready to jump...
I wanted to tell him that I was done and that this was the grand finale...
I wanted to tell him so much but instead I just looked at him and pulled on my hood...something else for me to hide behind
Exhausted is not even the word. I just keep telling people, "I am tired," because I know that they can't stomach what's really going through my head. I have been opening my eyes for the last couple of months groaning...saying, 'dang, I'm still here.' Is it depression....partly. But it's just that my will to live died ten years ago and I have been moping around my crystal stairs trying to find some hidden treasure that would pump new life into me.
And going through these trials with my child hasn't made matters any better...but long before his episodes I had decided that this was my last hoorah, that 'can't get right' was gonna finally silence all of the critics and go find her some eternal peace. BUT before I did, there were some things that I wanted to accomplish...to settle...to bring some closure to...
A bucket list?!? naw, not really...it was just that I needed to bring some things full circle because I am not one who like to leave loose ends. There were some things that I needed to do for me to ensure that I had no regrets about the things that I controlled.
I needed to make sure that after I was gone that my son would be okay. That he would be with someone that was capable of loving him in the way that he needed to be loved. Kinda reminds you of the flick StepMom, which I absolutely adore, but the only difference, I wanted to find someone better than me because I know/knew I was lacking in an area that he needed the most. I am not touchy feely...I don't like him sitting all up under me. I don't get the urge to hug and kiss all over him. I really don't want him on my lap. BUT, I do love him and I tell him so, which is more than my parents did..I honestly don't ever remember them telling us that they loved us until we were grown and moved out which is why they get the classic response,"okay, see you later" or my personal favorite, 'silence accompanied by a lot of eye blinking.' (i'm just saying, it is what it is)
I wanted to get to the bottom of this "empty, not good enough" feeling. I mean if you knew me you would be scratching your head like, 'wtw is wrong with you, you are beyond awesome.' And I am....which is why it doesn't make sense that I am ready and willing to fight for everyone else and hesitate when it comes to fighting for myself.
I was told that everything that I despise or don't like about my child are the traits that remind me of me... I don't like that he is so trusting and loving... I used to be like that. I don't like that he is so carefree...I used to be like that. I don't like that he gets so angry that he can't let go and move on...I am fighting with that right now. I don't like that he won't fight...all that cease for me at the age of 6.
So the alarm and the flashing lights are going off again saying, "ding ding ding, it's not your child, it's you."
And I have said before this that this is really about me and not my child. How badly do I want this? And the truth is, I don't know. Some days I want it. Other days I don't feel it's worth it. And the in-between days I am just confused. Confused at how I got here...how did I fall off my throne. When did I become so content with hanging out with the pigeons when I belong with the eagles?
In order for me to save my child, I have to save me first. Plane's going down and I keep trying to put his mask on before my own....it's not going to work.
I know what I have to do....I just don't know how to do it....I know all I need to do is take the first step, but I can't seem to move my feet with my hightop concrete boots laced all the way up and I can't seem to get them off. It's funny because now that everyone from CQP to ICE to JILL SCOTT to PIC to even the thirsty drunk are saying the same thing....I have to face it...I gots to get to the bottom of this mess and deal with me and stop using everyone and everything else as a distraction.
But how do I connect all the dots when I have purposely removed some...blotted...whited-out...scratched some of the dots.
So, I told him that I was going to end it, not because I was reaching out for help. When my mind's made up...it's pretty made up....I told him because I wanted someone to be able to tell my side of the story...not the one people wanted to hear, but the unpleasant truth. I wanted him to tell them that I was tired and that I was unhappy with the cards dealt me and that I felt that the deck had been stacked against me and that I was tired of playing the fool...tired of fighting a losing battle...tired of trying to make people see me...tired of picking up the pieces...tired of being the mature, responsible one...tired of hurting...tired of feeling everyone else's pain and not being able to feel my own...tired of being the bigger person...tired of being tired.
so now that I have told him...I now have to avoid him
will edit and finish later...my eyelids are closing