Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I've Been Searching For So Long...

First things first, this gonna be about four mouthfuls, so go ahead and get your Corona, your Grey, your Coke and kick off your shoes cuz I gots a whole heapin to say.

~Housekeeping Items~

So Luv's been in the kitchen, just a talking and a cooking and a cooking and a talking.. and while Luv's been a cooking and a talking and doing a lil' tasting, people have been coming on in and pulling up chairs to the table..and well Luv don't mind cuz she always makes more than enough food to feed the entire block, but she does want to remind you that she will not tolerate any elbows on the table or any discussing of what Luv's talking about in the kitchen on the block (Facebook) or in mixed company. Remember, what goes on in Luv's house, stays in Luv's house (unless Luv trying to kill dem babies..then yall can run and get the po-pos cuz somebody gonna have to pull Luv off of dem) Now that Luv's got that off her chest, let me get in here and stir these pots.

So, I have been doing a lot of this.....

and a whole heaping of this.....

Some things I have made leaps and bounds with...other things I have moved more steps backwards than forward...but I have learned am learning to chalk it up to the game, this wicked, unpredictable game of LIFE.

I am learning that my not-so-fully-developed patience trait gots to be developed or I am going to continue walking around like a chicken with its head cut off. I have said it over and over AND over again: I want what I want when I want it..whether it be for my child to act right, for my love life to come into existence, for my house to get cleaned, for me to be at that destination that I NOW so clearly see for myself...but things don't happen on my time schedule simply because I want them to. You would have thought I would have this lesson down pact by now...but I don't.

The choices we make are just that...choices. Every choice is going to have an equal or opposite effect on our lives and those lives connected to us. The choice we made yesterday may not be the same choice that we need to make today. I have proven that I can adapt to most, if not all things...I am like that chameleon...changing to suit my environment, my surroundings..

But what happens when you adapt/hide so much that you forget who you were originally...that the real you starts to fade...not just into the background...but away, for good.

The Quack...(CQP) is so good for me...I know that many peeps are confused and even a lil' disturbed by our relationship. But for the record let me state this, there are few therapist out there who would be able to handle and psycho-analyze me, so we can't determine his worth or his skill level by his ability to help me; few humans can help me (real talk.) He allows me to be me, while judging me and faking like he not judging me, which in turns allows me to progress with the blooming of my bud. I will admit that our relationship is not the typical sit on my couch, tell me what is on your brain for an hour, while I doodle and pretend to listen. See, I have this problem with rules, regulations, structure and lines. And as I type this, I have to chuckle... I am so very one-sided. I liked, no love giving but I don't like am uncomfortable with receiving.

And that's with just about everything. I can give love...almost perfect love, but I am not open to receiving it because I know that there is no such thing as perfect love and therefore, sooner or later someone is going to get hurt, usually me. So to stop from being hurt by love, I choose to love those incapable of loving, or of returning my love in the form or fashion that I need. I am realizing that I am aware that men use love to get sex, so I choose to give sex to get the illusion of love.

(Side Note: So, it appears like you all gonna need your hopscotch shoes on for this one cuz we gonna be hopping all over the place but I promise to bring it all home, at some point ; ) )

So we coming up on my ten year anniversary of 'I ain't gonna see the weekend'...ten years of me sitting in my feelings...of me spiraling downhill...of me shutting down waiting to waste away...and on one hand I am happy that the doctors were wrong because it proved that God always has the final say..but on the other, ten years of misery is a long time to torture oneself. And that's what I have been doing. I have been blaming myself because I fight for everybody else BUT I don't really fight for myself. Now don't get it twisted..I fight for myself, I just ain't that fast to shank when it is dealing solely with me as I am if you stepping to one of my peeps. Trust, I was going to do some damage to that child and his parents for hurting my son. And I was going to do some damage to that dude for pistol whipping my cuzzo and leaving her for dead. And when we went storming dude's dorm room looking for him and I was armed with my 'Chitown we gets gutta like that and turn anything into a weapon,' weapon, I definitely was going to do some damage.

But when it came down to defending me, I froze. Well I didn't really freeze, I over-analyzed the situation which prevented me from responding in what I felt was a proper manner. True, I was penned, and realistically, there really wasn't much for me to do, but I still blamed me...and well now I have decided that I have to forgive myself because I can't go back and edit my response BUT I can make sure that if ever placed in a similar situation that I choose to respond differently.

I have come to terms with a lot of my shortcomings. And when I say come to terms, I mean I have identified them, and some I am ready and willing to deal with at this moment in time and others, well, I still need proof that they are indeed issues I have. (I'm just saying...no proof, no owning up to) So, it's like I stated previously, I'm off to see the Wiz but I really don't know what should be a priority for me..I mean, me being me would go in there and be like look, I want all of this and I want it right now and I want it at the "bundle hook-up" price..but, we are trying to get away from the old, "it's on my time and my way" me.

So there are very rare moments where CQP comes in handy and proves to be helpful even if he's not insightful. He provides me with a sounding board. I can come and dump all of my madness on him and he will get rid of all of the surface fluff...then we will collectively go back and forth about what else is fluff, leaving me with clues to finding out what the real issue is..or better yet leading me to the root of the issue.

So he knows, and know I realize more than ever, that I fight myself..even on little things. I know that I have a tendency to sabotage things when I feel like I am not in control, especially in non-platonic relationships. However, I never paid attention to how much I fight myself on silly things. Like I wanted the new Monica CD (btw, I am loving it) and asked someone if they were going pass some stores..specifically stores that would have it for the cheaper price and they told me no and asked why..I responded with 'why, you can't help me.' And while in my head the response I chose seemed to be not only appropriate but justified when in actuality, it may have been a little premature, not an assumption. See, I didn't account for the fact that they might already have the CD and might be willing to burn it for me (shhh), or willing to give me the CD and burn a copy for them (now that's legal), or willing to go out of their way and stop at one of the named stores and pick it up for me, or willing to go to a store and just get it for me, regardless if it was on sale. In my head, I was thinking they ain't going to the store and now I need to come up with another plan to get what I want which did not involve them. Never did it cross my mind that they might go out of their way and get it for me because we ain't like that...meaning we ain't peoples like that..it's no reason for them to go the extra mile for me, we ain't friends, we associates...possibly.

The hindrance of assumptions? Possibly..possibly not. It's all in how you look at it. Is it half full, is it half empty. Is it really that deep? I mean if you grew up and someone only told you that the cup you were drinking from was half empty, then that is how you would look at your cup...wouldn't mean that you were a pessimist. So, just because I don't expect that people who aren't my friends will go that extra mile or go out of the way doesn't mean that I am assuming that they won't...it is just that I don't EXPECT that they will. But should I?

Abandonment and Self-Worth...things that have been haunting me since I was little...never thought I would be dealing with these issues in my prime. Always thought that once I got far, far away from the madness that initiated these issues, that they would begin to melt away like Winter's ice does with the onset of Spring. But here it is, more than two decades later and I still think that everybody new who's coming into my life is just going to leave right when I am starting to semi-like them (cuz lawd knows I don't totally like anybody ;p ), so I really don't invest too much time and energy in a lot of new encounters. But that's not saying that I don't let anybody in, cuz I have and I do. I used to didn't waste much of any of my time with the ladies...females are just too catty for me. I grew up a tomboy, sandwiched between two brothers, most of my closest friends were dudes or tomboys. It's funny because, most of my trusted doctors are males, my 'tell me all your bizness and I will write it on the dry erase board' therapist is *cough* a male, my ICE is male, etc... But, now I do have some sistah friends that I trust enough to go to when I want to vent and not be "fixed."

The funny thing is, I think I do more leaving and disappearing on my friends than it was ever done to me. I think my mindset now is: "Beat them to the punch, leave before they leave you high and dry." And well this is not me. I don't like being flaky. I don't like not being dependable. I don't like leaving running prints on people's hearts. I don't like being controlled by my fears.

I know where the abandonment issues come from...that has never been a mystery. My mother used to leave us when she used to leave my father. Even though she would eventually come back and get us, she still left us. And sometimes, she would come back and get us one by one, and though we always hoped that she would come back for the rest of us, you never could be sure. Then my parents left us with my Great Aunt while they went to work...they used to get us on weekends...then they even stopped doing that (This is why I went through so many changes when I had to leave my child for a summer while I studied for the bar, kids remember these things and not necessarily in the manner we want them to remember them. While I am sure that my parents wanted us to remember it as they left us with our aunt to live while they made a way for us, we remember it as they left us with this lady that tormented us and when we expressed our feelings about being unhappy there, they brushed it off.). Then my uncle left me when he died...he didn't have to die, but he was sorta hardheaded like me...wasn't nobody or nothing going to control the way he was going to live his life, even if it was for his own good. Then my granddaddy and then my own babies... and a few people left in-between that I also cherished and was attached to.

Now the self-worth issue stumps me. I mean I literally by the grace of God, excelled at just about everything I undertook. I refused to be beaten by anyone or anything. Except, um unsafe heights, you all can have that. But I will ride them coasters, just know that I am praying and having mini-anxiety attacks until the ride has come to a complete halt. So, I am not sure why I don't value myself even though I recognize the value I have. I mean when I take my light off fogger mode, you gots to put on shades, I'm shining so bright. I mean some days, I sit in awe when I think about the things I have accomplished and survived. However, I rather sit in the background than be in the forefront. There is also a question of whether I value the people enough that I interact with to expect and possibly accept that they value me..that they see and understand my worth. Or, do I even care?

Now trust, there are a whole heaping of other things I need to be asking the Wiz to fix or get rid of, but, I think that if I get these things kind of resolved, that I will be able to swim through the rest of the nonsense that life is going to toss at me, like the champ that I am.

"Today, I do not choose to be the person I was yesterday. I do not choose to sit in misery, while life is passing me by. Today I choose to face my fears and recognize them for what they were/are....Today I choose to become whole again. Today I choose to look in the mirror and not be ashamed by what I see in the windows to my soul. Today I choose to be free so I can know what it's like to fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)


  1. Ms. B ~ if you reading this..send me the link pls..sorry so late..my mind has been to heavy to stay caught up with my reading..if any of you know Ms. Behavin pls let her know I am trying to be on the otherside of her blog. : )

  2. Wow!! My head is hurting after that....in a good way for you. I love the way you know exactly what/why is going on in your head/feelings. Thank you for always putting such positive comments on my posts when you are going through so much yourself. x

    There is an award for you at mine....x

  3. hey Chic Mama... lmbo... girl I almost didnt' get to the end.. I needed to purge and well I think I still have more stuff to purge because I still ain't feeling 100 yet.

    Thanks for the award...you are the best