.....I'm still alive!!!!
All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.
Cancer sucks beyond belief. It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity. It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.
I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).
At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me. I was tired. I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.
My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time. The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down. The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon. The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."
A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready." The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine. "Whoa, that's not good."
"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"
He look at me and stared.
"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?" As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings.
"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.
I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone. I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back. I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6. But I know deep down that I cannot die today. Or in this hospital. For Chucky's sake, I can't....
I have to hold on. I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"
Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table. But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said.
Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.
Nurse come back in with reinforcements. They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them. They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs. Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."
I start pacing. The pain is starting to creep up on me. I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping. I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.
"You want something for the pain?" One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.
"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."
"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds." Ha, she looked surprised. Take that and my pressure jumped a point!
I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell. I look at the numbers on my machine. Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph. I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light.
No snakes at my funeral.
I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me.
This can't be living.
"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance. There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on. Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."