Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Yeah I Knew it was Wrong but....

so what?!?

Naw, that's not how I really feel.  That's me trying to mask this pain.  This pain that I have been nursing for a year or so. 

It seems like just yesterday, the sight of me was lighting up his world.  Not so much any more.  Not so much at all.  It's almost like I am a distant memory and I think that is what makes it hurt like H-E-double L Oh, yeah I know I need to get a grip.  I need to shake it off.  I need to let him go.

But I can't.  No, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't.  My heart won't let me.  That pesky thing.  It keeps reminding of how LOVE felt and looked on LUV.  That glow.  That sway.  That pep in my step.  Life was on FLEEK!  (teehee, I know my PIC loves that word)  Troubles were coming at me left and right but with love I felt like Mike Tyson in his prime combined with the GOAT. I was floating like a butterflying and knocking ninjas down in 23 seconds.  I felt like I had my old mojo back.  You know the mojo I had been mourning pre-twins.  It felt like a comeback.  A resurrection.  A... ???

It was a darn lie. 

How could he love me when he already had a Mrs. so he had already chosen she and not me..... Yeah, I thought about all this in the beginning but the feeling was so strong.  I needed to feel loved.  I needed to love.  I didn't want to die and think that I was damaged goods...good enough for loving folks but not good enough to get loved on in return.

My parents did a doosy on me....I pray I am not repeating history with NotSoMuchLikeChucky.  (yeah, I have to find him a new name just as soon as he stops semi acting like a spawn)

Truth of the matter is, I love HIM.  I love him.  I love him.  I have tried to stop loving him but I still love him.  Even though it feels like he no longer loves me....still I love him.

He claims he does but that we made a choice to end it (that's not really what WE decided but hey, I knew what it was when we started, but I really didn't). 

I believe people marry the wrong people.  Look at my parents.  They stayed married for 31 years just out of spite to keep the other one miserable.  But, I should have done the honorable thing and not got involved and I wouldn't be experiencing these withdrawal pains and second guessing what I can not go back and change.

I can't keep stressing....it's gonna kill me
I can't keep eating....my boobs getting too big
I can't keep not sleeping...imma kirk out on someone
I can't keep calling...he gonna start hating me

I gotta let go... I gotta let him go ... I gotta find a way to move on from something that is oh so wrong but felt just right.

"Some paths we make impassable due to our choices, throwing caution to the wind can lead to our butts being burnt by the fire."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

1 comment:

  1. Going through the same thing...the one I want is distant...seeing me on his terms...the one who wants me..well I don't want him like that... *sigh* He is reliable, dependable, financially secure, everything a girl could want...except he is not HIM.... :(