Same Ole Stuff...Just A Different Day

Today I am grateful because I am moving out of my fog and though it pains me to accepts the things that I have to come to terms with, I know that HE loves me.

I feel like I'm Here  should be on repeat because I am truly moving into my season of living despite all the blows that I have taken on my chin, to the side of my head and in my gut.

I have been spending my days cyber-lurking these last couple of days trying to piece together how he died was killed and one thing is for sure, he was doing the SAME thing now at 41 that he was doing when I was 17: running game, lying, and spreading his seed.  Nothing like a family reunion of BMs on the Book to make you count your blessings.  Like I could have been one of them engaging in the following convo:

Me: Hey yall

BM2: Who you?

Me:  I'm Luv Lil Raeraeandthem Mama

BM3:  How old is yo child?

BM4:  Yes how old is yo child?

Me:   24

BM2-4:  Mine too.

And it is definitely true that when you know better that you do better and that with age should come wisdom and maturity not to do the things you did as a child...it's just sooooo sad when those that you love and used to kick it with and ride with and fo', don't get the memo.  When you get a glimpse of someone's life and they still doing the same thing with no progression.  Just sad.

Oh trust, I know all about being trapped in a moment in time and I thank Jah for releasing me from the grips of depression and allowing me to find a reason to push through the pain and for the drive to always want better for myself so I could do better by those coming behind me.

Hearing folks talk about Teddy and the grief he is giving the Marys reminds me of how I longed for him to love me.  To want me.  To validate me.  To light something inside of me that would give me the courage to stand when he was with his crew instead of cower under cars and sliding into lockers.  How I thought he was the greatest thing next to a Mr. Goodbar and and...

How this fool can't even keep it in his pants while being married to a well known gospel singer, so glad that isn't my reality playing out on the tube. 

I saw my HIM the other day.  Y'all remember good ole let me move your car so you won't have that far to walk when you get off late.  Mr. let me write poems and songs for and about you all the while I spread evil lies bout you, HIM.   Well he looks like life hasn't been too kind to him.  And being the aspiring rapper that he is, I am sure he has heard the line about Karma.

And every time I think about my lil Michael Jackson and his 15 or is it 17 kids, I just nearly faint.  Even though I hope that I am still the Golden Child, I can't fathom why I had a knack for picking the guys who like to procreate. 

Some of these dudes, made me bitter.  Made me hate all men.  Made me doubt myself.   Caused me a lot of pain.

But honey, when I take inventory of how much worse it could had been had God not stepped in and said No ~ Not right now and not ever, I can't help but say thank you Jah for not allowing me to take that bullet head on.  Thanks for allowing it to only pierce my armor slightly before having it deflect off.

That could have been my life!!!  So glad that it's not.

There is a blessing and a lesson in the word and sentence "No."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches



It's Coming in as Fast as It's Going Out....

Drained.

Emotionally, Mentally and Physically.

I am like stuck in a time warp.   Trapped. I am at my highest and yet my lowest at the same dang time.  The more I try to push and purge, the more things are poured onto me.  

Granted some of it I have volunteered for... but that's just some of it. 

The rest is just mine....just mine to sort through, swim through, sit in and hopefully finally get rid of.  My house is back to looking like a hoarder's retreat.  I was making so much progress.  Yes, all of those deaths in January, February, March and motherfreakin April got to me.   Some of those deaths shook me because well they were part of my support system, part of my core, part of my think tank, part of the team that gently pushed me to walk in my purpose, walk in my greatness.... they were my safety net.

This post like my life will be all over the place...I can feel it.  My life is in turmoil and in conflict even though from the outside looking it, everything looks just fine.

I was chatting with one of my soul sisters, Bernie's Daddy....yes as in the MacMan, Mr. Kings of Comedy, you should check her out, she's so transparent and real...any who I was telling her how my emotions were all over the place, how when I saw Life this weekend and her daddy showed up that I just bust out crying. He represented a reminder that even as a child I had to FIGHT just to be left alone...that nothing came easy for me...nothing outside of excelling in school.  Bernie used to try out his jokes on me when I was a lil girl, and when I say TRY OUT, I mean I was the BUTT of his jokes.  And though his jokes weren't malicious, they were hard to take when you are a little kid who just trying to enjoy a meal in silence that you don't have to share with your brothers WHO NEVER had to share with you because one they inhaled it as soon as they touched it or because THEY WERE BOYS and needed their energy.

What foolishness.

Anyway, seeing Bernie reminded me how things have changed but the core of things are still the same.  I am still that "little sensitive girl"  looking for my place in life.  Not purpose....but place. 

Where do I belong?  Where is my happy place?  Outside of the Chi... Oh how I love thee.  But that ratchet killing, be it by the police or the lost, wayward kids without hope, has me side-eyeing the Chi.  Honestly, I am side-eyeing the world right now.

Folks mad about a gorilla?!  I mean is you mad or is you real mad?!   A gorilla?  And I have yet to watch the video, but the moment they started calling the parents LAZY, I knew.  I knew that old deep rooted polluted deep veins of racism that no longer existed in post racial America was about to take center stage, AGAIN.  To be frank, I am not surprised by the white folks.  White folks gonna be who white folks gonna be.  I mean white folks showed us who they were with Mike Vick.  They showed us who they were with Katrina.  They showed us who they were when they put that wild animal in their car talking about it looked cold. 

I am surprised by the colored folks ~ the Latinos, the Indians, the Dominicans, the Jamaicans, the African Americans, the Blacks, the Mulattos, the Indonesians, the Pacific Americans, the whomever has a caste system or have to deal with colorism in their country, island, in their place that they call home.  I am surprised and deeply saddened by the hate we have for one another simply based on something as superficial as skin.  I am surprised that in 2016 that most of us are still asleep.  Still subconsciously spreading the self-hatred. Some of these memes and things that we share... whoa #selfhatred

 Funny thing everybody making money off being black, but the blacks.  From lips, hips, hair styles to our innate flare.

Today they are laying to rest the guy that TOOK my virginity.  It is so bittersweet.  It is so hard to remember that OUR MONSTERS are people too.  That they have folks that love and cherish them too.  I didn't HATE CKB.  I felt sorry for him.  I was enraged and wanted to kill him in the moment, but I guess somewhere along the line I forgave him....maybe because it wasn't too violent...maybe it was because I shouldn't have been there...maybe it was because I knew he was grieving....maybe it was because I was already grieving, I loved his mama and his little sister and brother.  They were so full of hope even though life was a struggle for them.  They didn't know how ugly the world was even though they woke up in that ugliness everyday.  Their mama was the first person that I literally watched die.  Even as smart as I was, I didn't comprehend what was going on....it wasn't until recently that I realized she probably had cervical cancer.  All I know is she kept showing me her stuff.  And I didn't want to see her stuff.  And she kept telling me she had a hole in her stuff.  And I was like, I think we are supposed to have a hole.  And she was always in pain.   And self-medicating.  She lived a life of "disgrace."  She made money by doing womanly things.  I still don't know if the house she lived in and the guy she lived with was her pimp.  I just know that I loved her and she loved me.  She called me her daughter.  She called me once a week when I went away to school until she got too sick and then she died.  I came home for the funeral.  I had to be there.  That was my boo and I needed to see my kiddos to make sure they were okay.  To lose your mama at 4 is a hard break.  I came and her mama said that I couldn't come to the funeral.  Said that I was too black.  Like are you kidding me?  Like I wasn't too black to be sitting with your daughter in the hospital.  I wasn't too black to be watching and feeding her youngest kids.  I wasn't too black to be sending her money, BUT I'm too black to be paying my respects?  So her daddy, who had already determined he wasn't going to the funeral, she was his heart and his heart was broken when she took to a life of the streets but it was completely broken when she died and he didn't want to see her like that, said he was going and he dared someone NOT allow me in and to say something to me.  Whelp, the same place they laid her body out is where CKB will be also and it's kind of hard for me.  It's a reminder of the day that my innocence was lost and I realized just how ugly the people in the world were and how close that ugliness was to me.  How I swam in and out of that ugliness everyday without even a clue of how ugly folks truly were.  CKB family lived three blocks from my family.  Our family had generational friendships.  But deep down inside, they believed they were better than me because they were lighter than me.  Maybe that is why it was so easy for me to wake up and find CKB taking what wasn't his to have.  Maybe that is why folks in the world find it so easy to TAKE what isn't theirs to have...

Some years back, CKB and I reconnected on the FakeBook and he apologized and I told him what was on my heart and that was that.  He stopped sending me friend requests and deleted his page and I hadn't really thought about him until a couple months ago when he popped up on my uncle's page and I went to his page and said, "Thank You Jah because sometimes we forget how blessed we are to only have been burnt by the flamed and not engulfed in it."  And then last week I got a text telling me that he was dead and my heart instantly went out to my kiddos cuz well I still love me some them, even if it's from afar.

I miss my uncle.  I still love MK.  Time is running out, the sand is almost gone.  Innocence lost.  My place still not found.

Oh the tears.

"Be the light in the darkness.  Be the beauty amongst all the ugliness.  Be the flower blooming despite the weeds.  Innocence is worth protecting."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

The Art of Giving...

I was always told that if you are truly giving something from the heart that you give it and forget about it. 


So unfortunately, it is that statement that I am armed with when I give, whether it be my time or financial support, it is also what standard I hold you up to when you give as well.


I am loving all of the Prince stories on one hand, because it shows that he too understood that if you giving from the heart or because it is the right thing to do, why you gots to tell the entire world?  On the other hand, I just wish folks would have kept the gifts as they were, private.


We already live in a society where folks need to ask themselves why are they giving, is it cuz they were moved to, or is it for likes and shares on social media?


It's no secret that I have been down on hard times for a minute. Cancer and not being able to work will do that.


However, it was only known within my closest circle that I did not have some things that many folks may consider to be essential, like a bed.   Recently, as in two days ago, I was blessed with a free bed because one of my sister friends is relocating and wasn't taking any of her stuff.  Imagine my surprise when I received a text from someone I barely know asking me if I had set the bed up and used it yet.


I was taken aback to say the least; but, knowing my friend, I just had to hope it was shared with this individual that I was getting the bed and everything else that A Wider Circle didn't take because she was over there helping her pack and inquired about what was going to happen to the rest of the stuff.


But giving and the need to tell folks what you had did was something that I had been pondering for a long time even before this happened, as I saw folks on my timeline on Fakebook boast about what they had did for this friend in need, the homeless, their family member etc.


It reminded me why I very rarely will seek help from someone outside of the F10.  I can't get down with folks asking you if need help, and then breaking their necks to tell folks that they helped.  Whether it be to feed my child, watch my child, pick me up from the hospital or what have you.  If I can't get it on my own, I don't need it.

"I can't tell you what I have done for most people, I typically do it with my left hand, while the right isn't looking."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

A Mother's Loss

I had no words.  None.  Just tears to offer.  But then I remember how ignorant folks were when it was me and so I pulled myself together and called and simply said, "What can I do to help...do you need money?"  I ask the questions that most haven't gotten to because they are still stuck on the why, how, what in the world.

It's so sad we live in such a microwave and entitled society.

We feel we have a right to every intimate detail knowing full well if the shoe was on the other foot mums the word.  How do I know, cuz according to Fakebook, everyone leaving the 'Ye Good Life.   Everyone making it and shole as heck ain't relating to Tupac's struggle of barely making it.

All I needed to know was that a child was gone.  A mother was grieving and that she was my sister.  And as such and one who had already experienced such loss, I needed to be there in the manner I wish folks had tried to be there for me.  Not with questions of how and why but of what they could do to ease my neverending pain...to soften the load of having to bury your child.

It also never cease to amaze me how important folks have to be during others time of need.  I don't get it. Sharing secondhand information like it's first.  Sharing answers that was forwarded and obtained by me and others in first person.

I just don't get it.. and this is why I will go out just like Prince... and one day soon, I will have to share my Prince story and why his death around this time is just surreal for me.

"I'm sorry, not sorry because the best apology is changed behavior and I refuse to be sleep." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

And Still I Rise....Choices

 http://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbview_approve/12624756/5/stock-photo-12624756-sparkling-number-16-xxl.jpg






Today I said my final goodbyes to my friend, my doctor.  It was bittersweet because like most of the other deaths this year, Prince, Phife, Doug it didn't have to be.....

I am not sure of what the cause of death was, but I am willing to bet my last born, that it was a heart attack.
He was overweight.  We often joked about it as his belly got more oval and there was no more letting out of his pants.  He was good with life. So happy and content with his wife and his boys.  And his bonus daughter whom he treated as his own.  He was like if something happens to me, my family will be good.  I remember wishing everyone could be doted on in the fashion that he doted on his family.  The last time we spoke was in August.  I always made my appointments in August so that I could remember to get the date of the cookout.  I scolded him more harshly this time about his weight because the loss of our dear compadre, his colleague, my former colleague, mentor and friend was still sending me into bouts of tears.  I told him I didn't care if he thought it was good for the pushing or his love weight, that I needed him to get it off because it was unhealthy and I didn't want our esteemed university to throw him a piss poor sendoff like they did the Macman.  Oh how I miss my boo more today than ever before.  He told me that we both weren't going anywhere and he would see me at the cookout.

That was August.  I didn't go to the cookout, I wasn't feeling up to it.  This is April.  I still can't believe he is dead.  I wonder if he thought he was invincible because he was a doctor.  I don't know.

At his funeral, I was already emotional, because I knew that at the stroke of midnight it would be the 16th anniversary of the first time I became a mother.  And three weeks later, the anniversary of the second time I became a mother.  But, nothing prepared me for the emotion I would feel when my most favorite doctor walked in.  I nearly lost my mind.  I had to fight back the tears as I embraced the man that restored my faith in the broken system we call life.  He looked as handsome as ever.  He was like a rockstar of sorts.  Everybody was beyond elated to see him.

I remember the last time I saw him and so did he because we were both in bad shape.  I couldn't feel my limbs and some more things and he, he was wearing stress on his face, which wasn't like him.  I remember our conversation verbatim.  I told him that he looked bad and that he needed to cash in on some of his sick leave.  I told him that I was serious that he needed to stop running himself so raggedy and worrying about everyone and take care of himself.  I told him that he needed to get some rest because in the decade plus that I had known him, he had never wore the stress on his face.  Two days later he was airlifted to another hospital with conflicting reports running through the hospital.  He had a stroke.  He had a brain aneurysm. He was near death.  blah blah blah.  I stopped going to the doctor after he got sick and left.  He tried to come back numerous times, with me scheduled in as his first patient and each time he tried, he had a setback and didn't make it.  He was the reason I didn't sue the hospital 16 years ago and the reason that I was able to successfully become a mother for the third and final time 3 years later.

So it was definitely bittersweet to see him. He listened and lived.  The other did not and died.

16 years I have been pushing....and for 16 more I will keep trying.  Life is about choices and what comes with the choices we have made.  For most of those 16 years, I decided not to live and to let depression and sadness consume me.  The result of all of that stress is why I am fighting to see another day, everyday today.

Today, because it is now past midnight, I will choose to celebrate all of the wonderful things that came out of that pain 16 years ago.  Like the friendships of some incredible doctors, two of whom have left me too soon but one that is still here showing me that if you choose wisely, you can beat the odds.

"Life is often hard and unpredictable; however, but for the flood, we wouldn't appreciate the rainbow" 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

The Tide Is Coming The Tide is Coming

If I was only so lucky to get those types of warning when the tide was rising in life.

I have been here, fighting my way out from under a riptide. 

It has been one thing after another ...back to back to back to back.

My homies are going through it.  Fathers or daddies whatever you want to call them, cuz I've only been acquainted with donors and hasbeens,  have been sending for their kids.

And when I say sending for them, I am saying with that hard knock at the door followed by 'you have been served' sending for.  Daddies who never wanted anything to do with the child in the first place.  Daddies that have been M.I.A. mentally and emotionally but now in the 2000-one six, these daddies have been hit with a wand that tells them it is time to step their game up

That would be all the daddies EXCEPT the one that shot his dana in me.  That tired bama like the entire tenure of my child's life thus far was a no call no show when I told him to come get his lying, thieving child.  I thought it was only right for me to dump my child with the person's whose traits he was exhibiting. 

This ninja stole my money and passed it out at school like it was Monopoly money for his classmates to buy chicken and fries.. no seriously... I can't pay my mortgage but it's all good cuz y'all ate good cuz "Big Money Grips" keep y'all fed with my hard earned duckets.  Then this ninja gonna tell me when they produced the evidence, a photo with him holding 2 of the one hundred dollar bills before he was about to give them away, that it wasn't him...the picture was photoshopped.

Now what I needed to do was bust him in the head to the white meat and tell him that blood running from his head wasn't real, it was a mirage.  But I didn't...I let him live because he will learn to regret the day he allowed the devil to get in his way and cross me.  Gonna tell me if I make $50 an hour I can make up all the hundreds he took in some hours.

I should have slapped all the snot out of him... yet I didn't.  I wanted to...I wanted to stomp him dead like I would have a regular ninja on the street who had stolen my bread.   And I look good in stripes and orange so I could just go ahead and seal the deal...

But he ain't worth it.

Anybody who would bite the hand that feeds clothe and goes without so they can have, is not worth it and unfortunately, that is how I treat him... I'm just counting down my sentence until I can put him out. #realtalk

In March alone, I lost five folks to cancer..back to back to back... my support system has taken tremendous blows.  And here we are in April, where it is already sink or swim through the depression.

le sigh.  I am missing my babies tremendously this year.  16.  I would have been almost free.  I am reminded how grateful I am that I got the chance to tell one of my kid's namesake how much I appreciated them last year before he checked out of here.  I miss him too.

"life isn't fair... and sometimes it isn't even worthwhile.  however we wouldn't appreciate the rainbow but for the flood." (Luv)

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

The Process of My New Life

Everything is a process.

This ain't the first time you are hearing  this.

My life was derailed when I was raped and life was left in me only to be taken away from me almost as violently as it was created.

I stood lied crawled cried slept in darkness, anger and despair for years because my ego wouldn't allow me  to reconcile that I the strong one, was weak.

I tried to bottle up all my pain and keep it inside so no one  would know that I was drowning even though everyone knew I was so far underwater that I might never break the surface again but me.

I ruin everything trying to save me.   Friendships credit relationships employment routines health

But as some of y'all remember,  I set myself free and decided to give active living a try. I  am still actively living and on most days,  I choose good over bad.

I am a vision that was once deferred and now I am a vision waiting to happen.


Everything takes time... that's one thing you can't rush

So like these dreams put on hold and temporarily destroyed,

 The visions that I see that are for me, that are God's will,  will certainly become my reality once again,

in due time

The process may not be easy but from the looks of things, it's surely gonna be worth it!

"Healing takes time as does finding your rightful place back in the universe, so enjoy the journey because the destination is but a vision that can suddenly change." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

When Dreams and Promises are Broken

It's a process that one has to go through before they can be made whole again.
Sometimes that process involves a lot of anger....
A lot of tears, yelling and screaming
Sometimes it involves a lot of cussing, if you the cussing type

No two episode or processes are alike, just like snowflakes; they may look the same but if you look
ever so closely, you will see that they are indeed different.

Pain has no boundaries.  Pain knows no names.   Pain will come like a thief in the night and will stay like a lover's scent.  It will wrap itself around you and embody you and try and seep down into your soul.

One of my sister-friends is in the midst of this pain.  This pain is trying to swallow her whole.  It keeps poking a finger in the hole in her heart that appears when the things in your dreams don't match up with reality.  I have traveled that road a time or two...

Haha, this is about transparency, who am I kidding, I'm still on that road.  I have my good days and my not so great days, but everyday I am making progress.  I shole ain't where I was when I started this journey.  I remember folks were trying to put me on that Sandra Bland watch.   *Le Sigh*

But I was suicidal.  Not really....but yeah a lil bit.  I wanted to sleep myself to death.  Ha and now faced with death, I don't know.   Some days I tell death and the debil to get behind me because I got things to do and people to see...and maybe even some people to do.

Other days, I'm like take me lord.  Take me before I send some folks to yah.  I be over here screaming, "I'm coming Elizabeth."

I am a walking contradiction.  An oxymoron.  I am an anomaly of sorts.  Just ask my doctors, not that they would tell you with HIPAA and all.   I am my biggest accomplishment and my greatest failure.  I am a work in progress that is still in the process of trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

The shattered dreams of doing the right things and helping folks and paying bills on time etc etc would pan out into me having an exceptional life.  The shattered dreams of having my trust broken by someone who was supposed to care for me and our seed only to see them make moves to hurt us financially when they shole ain't ante'upin' a dollar let alone 15 cents for someone that was part of their master plan ~ not mine.

The shattered dreams of thinking love would be enough.  The broken promises of forever that turned into never. 

It's something when your world comes crashing down and you no longer have the curtains, smoke and mirrors or mask the first to hide behind.  It's something when you are laid bare in front of all who care to see your nakedness.  It's something to be judged by folks who are steadily pushing skeletons into closets, drawers, and under beds.

You can't rush mourning.  You can't rush pain.  You just have to sit with it and in time, after you let nature take its course, you will be able to gradually get up and start to pick up the pieces to your life and put them back together.

"Things will never be the same after a major fall, but that's okay because scrapes, bruises, cracks, dents and the such add character, depth, value and wisdom to the journey.  Just remember to get back up."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ smooches

My Soul is Crying Out

and it's time for me to listen....

I have been here, trying to find the time to blog what's been running around in my head.  But one thing after another, seemed like my "do nows" would never ever end.  I was prepping for a surgery that I wound up not being able to have.  I was prepping to say my "goodbyes" just in case it was the end.  Death is real and something that I have to think about on a regular basis because I never know when this cancer bug is going to really go in.

I have loss so many loved ones and friends since my battle began.  My liver's remorse takes me under again and again.   Just today, someone told me that my "brushes with death have been plenty and why do [I ] think [I] am still here?

I don't know.  I wished I did so that I could possibly never let that event happen so I can stay here on a good day or go ahead and do it so I can take part in the eternal sleep on a bad one.

My uncle died and folks had a lot to say about how his homegoing should be but didn't want to ante' up with no dough.  Then my cousin wanted to come for me when she knows very well that unless I send for you, you should leave the sleeping lioness alone.  Talking about it was unfair for me to post about her mama on social media.  Ha, I didn't post just about her mama seeing how I used no names, but if the shoe fit, pick it up and kick yourself in butt with it cuz I am so tired of folks, whether they playing the victim or the saint.  How her mama figure my father her brother should pay for their brother's funeral by himself and she would pay him back, knowing good and well she ain't paid nobody back my entire life?  And why she think I should be the one to call and ask him especially since I ain't talked to the man since he said what he said about his grandchild not being welcomed there if he tied the knot again.  I can't I won't and I didn't.

I have learned a long time ago that people make time and spend money on things that they feel are important.  My uncle their brother uncle what have you was not important enough for them to get off not even $10 dollars to contribute to the pot.  Me, I loved my uncle.  I was his favorite and he was well my second favorite, his other brother was my heart.  I remember when our relationship changed and why and also how that changed my relationship with my father.  So our love was complicated but he loved me best when it counted the most so I did what was in my heart and used my medicine money to get him turned to ashes before he totally rotted out.

My cousin asked why did it matter so to me.  Said I didn't even speak to my grandmother who was 80 something years old and that I needed to forgive her blah blah blah.  Ha, let me tell you basically what I told her.  I have forgiven her but folks mistake forgiving with things going back to what and how they were before.  Uh-uh-uh.  That's not how forgiveness works.  Forgiveness is so I can be open and free to continue progressing in life.  If my grandmother died today, I would not go to the funeral and I would not put money in the pot but I also wouldn't be running around talking about how she was my favorite, or I was her favorite, or how she lived with me ... nope, none of that.  I wouldn't say much past, "Condolences" and I really don't care what or how anyone would feel about it because I am okay with being me.  I am very comfortable with using "No" as a complete sentence. 

"Everyone doesn't deserve a seat at your table and likewise, you shouldn't break bread with those who are only trying to feed you the scraps or the leftovers."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

Even in the Eye of the Storm....

I am grateful.

I have to be.  I have no other choice because how blessed am I to be me.  I am not the best person in the world, no not by far, but I shole ain't in a foot race tying for the worse.  I am in my own right, down right amazing and today on this day I am going to allow my amazingness to surround me and hold me and love me.

Today is National Premature, Preemie, Baby Came Too Soon Day.  (When I tell you that I am so sick of all these "national days"  I just want us to go back to national just a regular ole day)  But as many of you all know, I can definitely bring awareness to preemie day but I can't be all happy and joyful about it because my preemies didn't beat the odds.  My preemies bit the dust and left me here to pick up the pieces, which for over a decade I refused to couldn't do.  Such is life.

But today I stand here...well actually I am sitting, so I sit here and tell you that I am grateful for my babies and that experience because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one tough cookie.  I am resilient.  I am able to perform under immense amount of pressure and even though I allowed the sting of the hot water situation to change me from coal into a pearl.  For that, I am grateful.

My son is slow.  Special needs.  He just doesn't get it like the others.  This frustrates me beyond words BUT my son LOVES JAH and he has a heart of gold.  He is able to see the good in those who are out to steal his soul.  He can forgive, even if he doesn't forget and he wants justice for all.  His love has no boundaries or limits based on color or religion.  He looks after the elderly and the young and tries his best to get it done.  It's not always perfect or close to being pretty but he tries his hardest and that's more than most men.  For that I am grateful.

The rain has been pouring for forty nights and forty days.  I have been out here fending, battling from the North, South, East to the West.  It seems as if when one thing gets better a gazillion things go wrong.  I know that my God is bigger than any storm.  I know that these lying men that come in his name, aren't true representatives of him even though they come bearing his name.  I am not sure how much more I can stomach of the lying and the games but I know that Jah didn't create me to be a "Yes ma'am" and to be blindly lead.  As frustrating as it is, I know that He did not leave me even when I fled.  For that I am grateful.

Sleepless nights turn into long drawn out mornings.  Deaths, disappointments, peace disturbed ~ all of these I have had my portions full.  I have been trying to write for days but couldn't find the words.  My head was on 10 trying to figure out when this onslaught would end.  But truth be told, this may just be my life and so I need to just figure out the best way to fend.  So glad to have been raise on the Southside, so glad to know how to win.  So glad to have laced up and been knocked out because it's time to rumble again. 

I know that I can take a punch.
I know that I can be knocked down and can get up again.
I know that I can stumble and want to give up, But
I know  the power that lies within

I am grateful for my insignificant life.  It isn't the best but it's a whole lot better than the worse.  I may not have a lot of things but I am so grateful for my ability to hope and try again.

"When you can see the blessings when it feels like you aren't receiving none, you demonstrate the true meaning of gratefulness."

Gotta Luv Moi , Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Just Wanna....

Sleep!

Is that too much to ask?  I mean really.  I don't like lying here until 5 in the morning and then finally closing my eyes only for the alarm to go off thirty minutes later.

I want to sleep and for whatever has turned my nights into purgatory to be resolved so that I can do so peacefully.  I mean what good was that extra hour if all I am going to do is spend it looking at the clock?

Geesh.   This insomnia is for the birds.  I am cranky.  I am tired.  I am sluggish.  I am down.  BUT....I am not out, not yet because my eyes won't stay shut.  I don't know what it is or why it is, I just know it is.  Something is bothering me and I wish I knew what it was cuz then I could use all of this awake time to try and sort through it.

It could be that folks trying to block my return.  Trying to stop me from talking to my ICE.  Lying on me and pushing my buttons daring me to go Chitown on them.  It could be that CHIRAQ has lost its everlasting mind and it almost looks like it's at the point of no return.  Since when did we start going after babies to send a message to a grown manchild?   It could be that my child will always be trapped within the confines of his childlike mind which makes him a target, preventing me from ever going back to the Chi or anywhere fast paced for that matter. 

I know I said I was good, but I ain't.  I can't comprehend why I got the slow child.  I know he slow but I don't know why he has to be slow.  Why can't I just snap my fingers and he be okay.  All these ratchet mamas out here doing nothing with their lives, smoking and drinking everyday of their pregnancies and they get normal babies.  Me, the hardest drug I have done is baking soda and I get Mr. Iaintdonothing.  Hah, that shall be his new name.

Mr. Iaindonothing gets on my last  nerves.  This week he had me at his school 4 times out of the week.  4 times on foolishness.  And yeah, I don't do foolishness.  Then them ninjas at my religious meeting want to be lying on a sistah.  I swear there is nothing more that I hate than a liar but another liar.  Then this ninja going to try and do me, ha, he must not know I will not only write society but I will call them and track down the nearest CO.  I like going to the hall cuz they have rules that are clear cut and there are folks you can holla at when someone doing something other than what the rules state you can do.  Done pissed me all the way off.

And now one of my boos had died fighting this dreadful disease called cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate those folks that try and tell you want to do to beat cancer when they have never faced it a day in their life.  I hate that I am thirsty and have nothing to drink and that I wasted $5 of my pay-me-first money on trainfare, arriving to a place a week earlier, instead of being a day late and a dollar short, I'm 7 days early and $5 short.

There are no replay buttons in life!  

I know I need to suck it up and keep it moving, but I can't cuz I can't freaking sleep.

Jesus wept.

"When the road gets bleak, that's when we need to pray the most.  It's easy to be firmly planted in desirable conditions, it's when you are in the eye of the storm that exposes how strong your roots are."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

The Best Me....

Means letting go of fears and negativity while standing in my purpose.  Yup, easier said than done, but it's doable.

It's doable!  Yes Yes Yes  and mo' Yes.  I am claiming it, not just for me but for you as well.  You can and shall walk in your purpose. 

It's amazing what happens when you change your perspective about things and how the things around you start to change, no srsly.   Ha, let me stop.

I hated my life and everyone and everything in it and around it.  I allowed Satan and his minions rob me of my joy.  His minions were folks in my family,  folks in my building, folks on my block, folks at my child's school, folks on the bus, folks in my sister circle, just folks everywhere.  These folks were trying to get me off my square, make me lose focus and for a time there, they were winning, but then I stopped and was like enough is enough.

I was sick and tired of lying in my own waste.  I was knee deep in crap and as I tried to turn around in it, I realized that most of the manure didn't even belong to me.  I was holding on to anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, despair, betrayal, sadness,etc etc that didn't even have anything to really do with me.  And for the stuff that did, why was I carrying it around like a piss soaked homeless blanket?

I mean I was mad that I was poor. 

I was mad that I was sick.

I was mad that folks didn't love me. 

But, my being mad didn't change anything.

It was time for me to put all that negativity in a dumpster and be done with it.

So, I started really consciously loving on me.  Really loving on and speaking life into me.  Now, I ain't going to lie, this was hard because I was going through a really bad breakup and I really didn't want to get up let alone boost myself up; but, it had to be done.

If I wasn't going to love on me, how was I expecting MK or anybody else to love on me?  Try as we might, it just doesn't work like this.

I started getting in the mirror and having my own pep rally.  "Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay.  She is fierce, she is funny, she has a whole lot of money.  She is sexy to the core and she doesn't keep score of who loves who the best.  She loves her life especially her kid, she loves her big ole house and the peace and quiet and the job that pays her beyond very well.   Team Luv is generous and loyal too she is happy yes so happy because her world is no longer blue.  Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay." (Don't laugh, cuz it is working)

I started reminding myself what a bad mammajamma I was.  Before I walked into situations where I knew before I had felt less than either because I knew my money was short, or folks wouldn't think I was light enough to be included in the "pretty crew,"  I told myself that I was a Queen, I was rich beyond compare, that my money ran long and that my beauty was flawless because I did wake-up like this, no fillers, contouring, makeup, concealers, this was just naturally me.  (or some variation of this)  And on the occasions that I did this, it was amazing how folks' greetings or comments would mimic some of the words I had spoke in my affirmation before joining them.

Perspective.

I started traveling with the few coins I had and being thankful in the moments that I did have.  I went to the Dominican Republic where most folks make $5 a day.  That is $150 a month.  I get more than that in foodstamps.  I mean I am poor, but buying a Coke ain't going to cause me to evaluate life goals.  I am not over here saying, now if I buy this Coke, can I still put gas in my car or buy some food to feed Snoopy aka The Child formerly known as Chucky.  And when the foodstamps run out, I still have enough coins to get him something other than flour and water to eat.   I may not be balling out like folks around me, but I ain't living on the streets selling my body for my next meal either.  To a lot of folks in these other places I have visited, I am rich.

Perspective.

I am sick but I am not wheelchair bound;  I can walk and run, even if it does cause me pain.  I am not blind;  I get to see the sun rise and set.  I do not need a tube in my stomach to eat;  I can chew and taste at will.  I can hear the whining of Snoopy without the aid of a hearing device.  I can touch and feel my love's face in-between my hands.   Thank you Jah!!!   I may not be well, but I am far from really being sick.

Perspective.

Slowly but surely, as I have implored these little changes in my life, things in and around my life have changed.  My cash flow has grown.  My health has improved.  And people's love for me has blossomed.  

My season and breakthrough is here and all I had to do was change what my mind's eye focused on!!!

"Live your life like you are already living the life of your dreams, change your perspective and focus on the positive and watch how your dreams suddenly become your reality."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Maybe I Am Better THAN YOU....

Ha!  Folks kill me when they want to justify their laziness of getting out of their own way and picking themselves up out of their own vomit and filth with:  You think you better than me?! 

They say when you know better, you do better.  But that ain't always true now is it?!?  Oh, yes, I am in love with a married man.  Trust it's no Olivia and Fitz scandal, but it's something.   And even if we hadn't been rocking, knocking the boots all night long... (go 'head and date yourself), I would still love him and what he represents for me.  But that's a story for another day, that's not the turkey I aim to fry today.

I got some great and unexpected yet welcomed news the other day.  I got a job offer!!!!!!  All glory goes to Jah who continues to bless me even in my disgraced state.  An offer, not the job because I still have to clear background and credit.  And well that scares me because long before I was unemployed and underemployed, I was depressed and in mourning.  And while I was depressed and in mourning, I stopped paying my bills.  Not because I couldn't afford to, but simply because I forgot and when I remembered, I was too angry to pay them. 

I wanted to rebel.  I wanted to lash out.  I wanted to do any and everything differently than I had before hoping to make sense of the pain...make sense of my current life events...make sense of why God had took HIS grace from me.  Yes, I have on big enough drawls to admit again that I was furious with God.  Yes, I knew that unforeseen events and occurrences happened to the best of them, but I still deep down felt that I was special.  Felt that I had suffered enough in my childhood to get a pass on all the gruesome stuff I have been witness to in my adult life.  So when I didn't, I got mad and darn near pouted my life and good credit score away.

For a decade, I barely existed.  I wasn't even a shell of what I used to be.  I barely got by.  I became angry, embittered, and depressed.  I worked menial jobs afraid to take anything else because I no longer desired to put forth energy to be great.  I no longer wanted the stress nor the responsibility of greatness.  I wanted death, not just for myself but for every and anyone that had contributed to my pain. 

That was a dark time.  But even in those dark days, I still tried to help folks by planting seeds of DIY keys to success.  And I guess because many had met me in my present lying in my own filth, forgot-to-brush-my-hair-and-teeth state, they were taken aback by my bread crumbs.  Kinda like a skinny person saying they can throw down in a kitchen, much shade will be thrown. 

Folks thought I was trying to elevate myself by stepping on their toes by pointing out the obvious.  'You look stupid sitting at the back of the bus talking about how you let umpteen guys run a train on you.  And if your mama, aunts and friends won't tell you, hunty let me be the first to tell you, that is not the reason you want to be seen on public transportation.  You never know who is sitting on that bus, train, street corner and when your paths will meet again.  The same with social media.  You should always be mindful of what you paint as a representation of yourself.'  I never once was condescending or arrogant.  I did it from a place of love because I truly believe that we should lift as we rise even if I was currently lying on my back looking at the stars reminiscing when they were my homies.

So that has kind of been the theme when I have offered words of advice, encouragement, insight, what have you to folks that I honestly wish would do better, not for me, because they don't pay not ner one of my bills or pad my pockets, but for them because I believe they deserve something better than what life has currently given them.  But when they show me that they don't want anything to do with the light, I allow them to stay blind because I don't have the time.  I was having a hard enough time trying to get myself out of my own funk of comfortableness with mediocrity to fight with someone about theirs.

The difference for me I guess was that I was aware that I wasn't living to my full potential because I had already lived it....tasted it...experienced what it was like to be a mover and shaker.  I had scaled the mountain and reached the top; I was trying to help folks who couldn't see past the tip of their nose to realize that they were standing on top of an anthill and the mountain was before them.

So fast forward to this offer.  One that I had put on my vision board some 6 months ago.  One that I had prayed about and put in the work to get.  One that I may or may not get...

Yes, let's talk about that:

So, I mentioned to an acquaintance that I had an offer from a Federal agency that I was entertaining and that while I was excited, I was also scared.  My health well, it's still not that healthy and I was hoping that it wouldn't interfere with this job if everything cleared.  I told her how I was trying to hook up my friend with the agency but she was dragging her feet with applying and how the other folks who I had told, had followed through and things were moving for them as well. 

So, after accusing me of holding out on her she lbvs tells me to not to wait on my friend but to give her the information so she could apply and in the same breath tells me that I only got the job because I am a veteran and how veterans are taking all the jobs.  Then when I tell her I didn't use my veteran preference and seldom do; she goes on another tirade on why and how I must have gotten the job. 

Le sigh

It took everything in me not to blurt out the very thing I have been so adamant against.  Maybe, I am better than everyone that applied!

That's right, I said it.  I am better. Now what?!

I mean I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived the treacherous waters, packed inhumanely on a boat, in beyond deplorable conditions only to reach land to be further humiliated.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived being beaten, whipped, chained and hanged.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived separate but equal firebombings, Jim Crowing, Tuskegeeing,  bridge marching massacres, redlining, and poor schooling.  I am the descendant of the best my ancestors had to offer so heck to the yeah, I don't think, I know, I am better, which is why I try to do better....not just for me, but for those coming behind me.

I don't mind stepping on your toes when I try and pull your coat and let you know how to make this crazy game of life work for you too because I know that I am ALREADY elevated on the shoulders of those that came and sacrificed so much before me.  It pains me when I see folks letting opportunities within their reach get away simply because they think someone is hipping them to the game so they can feel superior. 

I told this acquaintance along with a gazillion other folks about the job fairs that I was hitting with Federal Agencies in attendance.  She like most of them chose not to attend.  I told her and a gazillion other folks about this hiring manager for the feds that was ripping up critiquing resumes, helping folks get them in USAJob tiptop shape.  I told this acquaintance about a lot of things and now I am scratching my head trying to remember one thing she has hipped me on....

"Sometimes while searching for an answer to even the playing field or justify why someone got a blessing that you think you deserve, hold up a mirror and do a little soul searching....is it that they believe that they are better than you, OR is it that YOU believe you are inferior to them.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself and those around you.  Elevate your consciousness and start believing that you are better and watch how you start doing better"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Really Don't Like Women....

But they are really good at giving me emotional support when Old Spice ain't treating me right.  And yes, by right, I mean spoiling me and giving me my way. 

Seriously, I used to not don't like women.  I can do without all the catty, backstabbing, gossiping, messiness, and the list goes on and on.  Maybe it's because I was the only girl sandwiched between two boys for so long.  Or maybe it's just because my tolerance level for foolishness is so low.  But whatever it is/was, I have been this way since I was kneehigh.  I gravitate to males.  It's easy, it's simple, it's less stress. 

Lol, well it USED to be less stress.  Now we got men that are just as catty and messy and that gossip and backstab more than women.  The world is definitely in a handbasket headed straight toward an inferno.
I don't know what is happening...if it is being 26 again or if women are finally catching up to where I am, but I am finding that I have let more and more of them into my inner circle, gloves and masks off... just me.


And I like it...no, I love it!!!  I love my sister friends.  I love letting my hair down and figuring out what we need to do to win.  Win at finances.  Win at family.  Win at careers.  Win at friendships.  Win at relationships.  just Win Win Win.   But most importantly, how to pick ourselves up as we perfect this art of winning.

I am finding that I love supporting and being supported by women who are trying to make it do what it do, just like me.  No pressure.  No competition.  No stress.  Just genuine love and support.  And trust me when I tell you that when women breathe life into other women, amazing things happen.

We are the mother of civilization.  Without women, there would not be a human race.  We are the first teachers.  Just think if we banded together and taught nothing but love, peace, and respect what the world would be....could be.

Right now, I have some sister friends that are helping me open up and tell my Truthz by them sharing theirs...the good the bad the ugly...and we all have ugly, no matter how we package it, shape it, or shake it...we all have skeletons, demons and fears that we need to address so that our future will be free of unnecessary mess.

My PIC  and Fizzle Mama are doing some amazing things and are on amazing journeys and I couldn't be happier because that means I too am doing some amazing things and on an amazing journey.  When they succeed and knock down walls, so do I because we on this life train together.... laughing, living and learning and hopefully we won't get put off anytime soon cuz we got a lil color to our skin.  

"Recognizing another queen's dopeness doesn't make you a princess."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Yeah I Knew it was Wrong but....

so what?!?

Naw, that's not how I really feel.  That's me trying to mask this pain.  This pain that I have been nursing for a year or so. 


It seems like just yesterday, the sight of me was lighting up his world.  Not so much any more.  Not so much at all.  It's almost like I am a distant memory and I think that is what makes it hurt like H-E-double L Oh, yeah I know I need to get a grip.  I need to shake it off.  I need to let him go.


But I can't.  No, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't.  My heart won't let me.  That pesky thing.  It keeps reminding of how LOVE felt and looked on LUV.  That glow.  That sway.  That pep in my step.  Life was on FLEEK!  (teehee, I know my PIC loves that word)  Troubles were coming at me left and right but with love I felt like Mike Tyson in his prime combined with the GOAT. I was floating like a butterflying and knocking ninjas down in 23 seconds.  I felt like I had my old mojo back.  You know the mojo I had been mourning pre-twins.  It felt like a comeback.  A resurrection.  A... ???


It was a darn lie. 


How could he love me when he already had a Mrs. so he had already chosen she and not me..... Yeah, I thought about all this in the beginning but the feeling was so strong.  I needed to feel loved.  I needed to love.  I didn't want to die and think that I was damaged goods...good enough for loving folks but not good enough to get loved on in return.


My parents did a doosy on me....I pray I am not repeating history with NotSoMuchLikeChucky.  (yeah, I have to find him a new name just as soon as he stops semi acting like a spawn)


Truth of the matter is, I love HIM.  I love him.  I love him.  I have tried to stop loving him but I still love him.  Even though it feels like he no longer loves me....still I love him.


He claims he does but that we made a choice to end it (that's not really what WE decided but hey, I knew what it was when we started, but I really didn't). 


I believe people marry the wrong people.  Look at my parents.  They stayed married for 31 years just out of spite to keep the other one miserable.  But, I should have done the honorable thing and not got involved and I wouldn't be experiencing these withdrawal pains and second guessing what I can not go back and change.


I can't keep stressing....it's gonna kill me
I can't keep eating....my boobs getting too big
I can't keep not sleeping...imma kirk out on someone
I can't keep calling...he gonna start hating me


I gotta let go... I gotta let him go ... I gotta find a way to move on from something that is oh so wrong but felt just right.

"Some paths we make impassable due to our choices, throwing caution to the wind can lead to our butts being burnt by the fire."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Grateful for My Crew

Yup, My Squad is Better Than Yours!!!!!

Wow, it's almost surreal that once again I have cheated death while so many around me checked out, lights out. (IHateCancer) And let me tell you that I definitely wouldn't have made it without my Tarajis (check the link).

I am grateful for my Sistahs that breathe life into me as these various autoimmune diseases try and suffocate me.  I am grateful for the love they show me and the understanding they have when I go ghost and be MIA for a minute because they understand that it's ME NOT THEM.... no really.

 

I am fighting for my life, I am in constant pain, I am living in poverty, sometimes I don't know if I even want to open my eyes to fight the same draining fight again. I am a single mother who even though I have seen flickers of greatness, am not sure that my child can make it in this world alone, so yes, there are many times where I just don't feel like engaging...I need all of my energy to try and keep my nose above water.

It is a hard pill to swallow.  To know that someone you love and care about isn't accessible because life is knocking them down; 

However, my crew, they for the most part are true blue.  They don't throw me any shade.  They allow me to do what I need to do to maintain and love me all the same.  Whether I am up or down, they are always around....Ready to celebrate my small successes, whether it's making it a day without being tired or finally getting in the kitchen and turning the oven back on.

They are happy simply because I am happy and because I am still here.

I almost had to kick one of my Sistahs out of the crew....

She had forgotten:

 

"Whether you are making 1,000,000 or 90gs, remember that your successes and accomplishments only mean something if you have folks that are genuinely happy for you around to help you celebrate and live it!!!  A person that can bask in the glory of another's  shine, is truly someone you want to keep on your squad." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

Deflate Gate

He built me up with his grandiose tales of true love.
About how but for those papers and the timing we could be extraordinary.
Tales of wining and dining.
Loving and sexing, giving it to me good for at least 10 good minutes.


The more he fed me, the more I ate.  The more I ate, the bigger I got.
Until one day....
Pop!


My bubble was burst.  And my twisted dreams were shattered.
It didn't matter about those papers or even about the timing.
The watch could be stuck in time for all I cared and we would still be living a lie.


Long gone were the days of being fed off his plate.
Of the daily chats and check-ins to see if I was ok
Long gone were the days of him putting out my fires
So nothing on me was remotely burned
Long gone were the days where he was excited that I existed


I told myself I would not cry....
I told myself I got what I had coming...
I told myself that I was just fine....
I told myself to hold on to the memories...
I told myself to give it time and this too shall pass


Well hell, I don't have time and don't like time,
These seconds feel like centuries have past
This hole feels like it is Blue Black
It feels like I am drowning...


It's funny how one day you can be a Hit;
and the next day you are a Miss
Makes me hesitate to call it Love
But it darn sure wasn't Lust


I hear the hissing sound of the air start to lessen
So I know the end is near
Pretty soon there will be no air left
In this doomed fairytale

"Some heartache we can avoid by simply ignoring what's in our treacherous hearts."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Surprise Ninjas......

.....I'm still alive!!!!


All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.


Cancer sucks beyond belief.  It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity.  It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.


 I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).


At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me.  I was tired.  I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.


My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time.  The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down.  The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon.  The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."


A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready."  The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine.  "Whoa, that's not good."



"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"


He look at me and stared. 


"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?"  As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings. 

"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.


I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone.  I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back.  I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6.   But I know deep down that I cannot die today.  Or in this hospital.  For Chucky's sake, I can't....


I have to hold on.  I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"


Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table.  But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said. 


Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.


Nurse come back in with reinforcements.  They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them.  They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs.  Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."


I start pacing.  The pain is starting to creep up on me.  I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping.  I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.


"You want something for the pain?"  One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.


"No."


"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."


"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds."  Ha, she looked surprised.  Take that and my pressure jumped a point!


I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell.  I look at the numbers on my machine.  Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph.  I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light. 


No snakes at my funeral.


 I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me. 


This can't be living.


"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance.  There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on.  Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Dear Me,

I don't always get it right, no matter how hard I try.  There is so much that has affected me when it comes to giving my heart.  I know it's crazy for those who have never walked my path, but I have been so broken that I am scared to even love myself.

Wonderful things have happened since I let them balloons go up.  I created space that allowed love to seep in.  Some love I could readily accept, other, I have to push on back out...everything ain't for everybody.  I went from faking it til I make it, to walking the walk instead of talking the talk.  Not only did I feel so lady, but I looked it too.  It was illuminating from my soul with such a glow that people often stopped me on the streets to inquire about it.  It's much to be said about a love so strong that it makes it impossible to hide because every inch of your body is telling on you.  Kool-aid smiles, skips in my step, song in my voice and glowing skin, all that from just letting love in.

It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go, a feeling that made all of those other awful experiences seem so far away, a feeling that I never wanted to forget, a feeling that I wanted to commemorate just in case I never felt this way again.

Loving you was allowing me to love me.  Wanting to give you my best meant that I had to first achieve my best.  I can't give you something that I don't have.  I embarked on the journey of self-love full of hope and excitement...I had finally tasted what it felt like to stand in the light of unconditional love.  From that love, I found the strength to tackle things that had held me paralyzed in fear for months....even years.  And before I knew it, I was sitting in a tattoo parlor declaring my love for all to see... and how fitting that tat was!

Gotta Love Me before I can truly love anyone else, and trust me when I say, "I love me some ME!"

"True love can't be denied, opening your eyes to a whole new world, a brand new day.  Can't you feel it?" ~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do......Smooches

No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches