Sunday, November 8, 2015

I Just Wanna....


Is that too much to ask?  I mean really.  I don't like lying here until 5 in the morning and then finally closing my eyes only for the alarm to go off thirty minutes later.

I want to sleep and for whatever has turned my nights into purgatory to be resolved so that I can do so peacefully.  I mean what good was that extra hour if all I am going to do is spend it looking at the clock?

Geesh.   This insomnia is for the birds.  I am cranky.  I am tired.  I am sluggish.  I am down.  BUT....I am not out, not yet because my eyes won't stay shut.  I don't know what it is or why it is, I just know it is.  Something is bothering me and I wish I knew what it was cuz then I could use all of this awake time to try and sort through it.

It could be that folks trying to block my return.  Trying to stop me from talking to my ICE.  Lying on me and pushing my buttons daring me to go Chitown on them.  It could be that CHIRAQ has lost its everlasting mind and it almost looks like it's at the point of no return.  Since when did we start going after babies to send a message to a grown manchild?   It could be that my child will always be trapped within the confines of his childlike mind which makes him a target, preventing me from ever going back to the Chi or anywhere fast paced for that matter. 

I know I said I was good, but I ain't.  I can't comprehend why I got the slow child.  I know he slow but I don't know why he has to be slow.  Why can't I just snap my fingers and he be okay.  All these ratchet mamas out here doing nothing with their lives, smoking and drinking everyday of their pregnancies and they get normal babies.  Me, the hardest drug I have done is baking soda and I get Mr. Iaintdonothing.  Hah, that shall be his new name.

Mr. Iaindonothing gets on my last  nerves.  This week he had me at his school 4 times out of the week.  4 times on foolishness.  And yeah, I don't do foolishness.  Then them ninjas at my religious meeting want to be lying on a sistah.  I swear there is nothing more that I hate than a liar but another liar.  Then this ninja going to try and do me, ha, he must not know I will not only write society but I will call them and track down the nearest CO.  I like going to the hall cuz they have rules that are clear cut and there are folks you can holla at when someone doing something other than what the rules state you can do.  Done pissed me all the way off.

And now one of my boos had died fighting this dreadful disease called cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate those folks that try and tell you want to do to beat cancer when they have never faced it a day in their life.  I hate that I am thirsty and have nothing to drink and that I wasted $5 of my pay-me-first money on trainfare, arriving to a place a week earlier, instead of being a day late and a dollar short, I'm 7 days early and $5 short.

There are no replay buttons in life!  

I know I need to suck it up and keep it moving, but I can't cuz I can't freaking sleep.

Jesus wept.

"When the road gets bleak, that's when we need to pray the most.  It's easy to be firmly planted in desirable conditions, it's when you are in the eye of the storm that exposes how strong your roots are."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

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