Yeah I Knew it was Wrong but....

so what?!?

Naw, that's not how I really feel.  That's me trying to mask this pain.  This pain that I have been nursing for a year or so. 


It seems like just yesterday, the sight of me was lighting up his world.  Not so much any more.  Not so much at all.  It's almost like I am a distant memory and I think that is what makes it hurt like H-E-double L Oh, yeah I know I need to get a grip.  I need to shake it off.  I need to let him go.


But I can't.  No, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't.  My heart won't let me.  That pesky thing.  It keeps reminding of how LOVE felt and looked on LUV.  That glow.  That sway.  That pep in my step.  Life was on FLEEK!  (teehee, I know my PIC loves that word)  Troubles were coming at me left and right but with love I felt like Mike Tyson in his prime combined with the GOAT. I was floating like a butterflying and knocking ninjas down in 23 seconds.  I felt like I had my old mojo back.  You know the mojo I had been mourning pre-twins.  It felt like a comeback.  A resurrection.  A... ???


It was a darn lie. 


How could he love me when he already had a Mrs. so he had already chosen she and not me..... Yeah, I thought about all this in the beginning but the feeling was so strong.  I needed to feel loved.  I needed to love.  I didn't want to die and think that I was damaged goods...good enough for loving folks but not good enough to get loved on in return.


My parents did a doosy on me....I pray I am not repeating history with NotSoMuchLikeChucky.  (yeah, I have to find him a new name just as soon as he stops semi acting like a spawn)


Truth of the matter is, I love HIM.  I love him.  I love him.  I have tried to stop loving him but I still love him.  Even though it feels like he no longer loves me....still I love him.


He claims he does but that we made a choice to end it (that's not really what WE decided but hey, I knew what it was when we started, but I really didn't). 


I believe people marry the wrong people.  Look at my parents.  They stayed married for 31 years just out of spite to keep the other one miserable.  But, I should have done the honorable thing and not got involved and I wouldn't be experiencing these withdrawal pains and second guessing what I can not go back and change.


I can't keep stressing....it's gonna kill me
I can't keep eating....my boobs getting too big
I can't keep not sleeping...imma kirk out on someone
I can't keep calling...he gonna start hating me


I gotta let go... I gotta let him go ... I gotta find a way to move on from something that is oh so wrong but felt just right.

"Some paths we make impassable due to our choices, throwing caution to the wind can lead to our butts being burnt by the fire."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Grateful for My Crew

Yup, My Squad is Better Than Yours!!!!!

Wow, it's almost surreal that once again I have cheated death while so many around me checked out, lights out. (IHateCancer) And let me tell you that I definitely wouldn't have made it without my Tarajis (check the link).

I am grateful for my Sistahs that breathe life into me as these various autoimmune diseases try and suffocate me.  I am grateful for the love they show me and the understanding they have when I go ghost and be MIA for a minute because they understand that it's ME NOT THEM.... no really.

 

I am fighting for my life, I am in constant pain, I am living in poverty, sometimes I don't know if I even want to open my eyes to fight the same draining fight again. I am a single mother who even though I have seen flickers of greatness, am not sure that my child can make it in this world alone, so yes, there are many times where I just don't feel like engaging...I need all of my energy to try and keep my nose above water.

It is a hard pill to swallow.  To know that someone you love and care about isn't accessible because life is knocking them down; 

However, my crew, they for the most part are true blue.  They don't throw me any shade.  They allow me to do what I need to do to maintain and love me all the same.  Whether I am up or down, they are always around....Ready to celebrate my small successes, whether it's making it a day without being tired or finally getting in the kitchen and turning the oven back on.

They are happy simply because I am happy and because I am still here.

I almost had to kick one of my Sistahs out of the crew....

She had forgotten:

 

"Whether you are making 1,000,000 or 90gs, remember that your successes and accomplishments only mean something if you have folks that are genuinely happy for you around to help you celebrate and live it!!!  A person that can bask in the glory of another's  shine, is truly someone you want to keep on your squad." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

Deflate Gate

He built me up with his grandiose tales of true love.
About how but for those papers and the timing we could be extraordinary.
Tales of wining and dining.
Loving and sexing, giving it to me good for at least 10 good minutes.


The more he fed me, the more I ate.  The more I ate, the bigger I got.
Until one day....
Pop!


My bubble was burst.  And my twisted dreams were shattered.
It didn't matter about those papers or even about the timing.
The watch could be stuck in time for all I cared and we would still be living a lie.


Long gone were the days of being fed off his plate.
Of the daily chats and check-ins to see if I was ok
Long gone were the days of him putting out my fires
So nothing on me was remotely burned
Long gone were the days where he was excited that I existed


I told myself I would not cry....
I told myself I got what I had coming...
I told myself that I was just fine....
I told myself to hold on to the memories...
I told myself to give it time and this too shall pass


Well hell, I don't have time and don't like time,
These seconds feel like centuries have past
This hole feels like it is Blue Black
It feels like I am drowning...


It's funny how one day you can be a Hit;
and the next day you are a Miss
Makes me hesitate to call it Love
But it darn sure wasn't Lust


I hear the hissing sound of the air start to lessen
So I know the end is near
Pretty soon there will be no air left
In this doomed fairytale

"Some heartache we can avoid by simply ignoring what's in our treacherous hearts."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Surprise Ninjas......

.....I'm still alive!!!!


All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.


Cancer sucks beyond belief.  It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity.  It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.


 I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).


At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me.  I was tired.  I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.


My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time.  The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down.  The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon.  The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."


A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready."  The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine.  "Whoa, that's not good."



"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"


He look at me and stared. 


"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?"  As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings. 

"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.


I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone.  I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back.  I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6.   But I know deep down that I cannot die today.  Or in this hospital.  For Chucky's sake, I can't....


I have to hold on.  I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"


Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table.  But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said. 


Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.


Nurse come back in with reinforcements.  They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them.  They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs.  Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."


I start pacing.  The pain is starting to creep up on me.  I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping.  I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.


"You want something for the pain?"  One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.


"No."


"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."


"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds."  Ha, she looked surprised.  Take that and my pressure jumped a point!


I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell.  I look at the numbers on my machine.  Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph.  I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light. 


No snakes at my funeral.


 I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me. 


This can't be living.


"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance.  There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on.  Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Dear Me,

I don't always get it right, no matter how hard I try.  There is so much that has affected me when it comes to giving my heart.  I know it's crazy for those who have never walked my path, but I have been so broken that I am scared to even love myself.

Wonderful things have happened since I let them balloons go up.  I created space that allowed love to seep in.  Some love I could readily accept, other, I have to push on back out...everything ain't for everybody.  I went from faking it til I make it, to walking the walk instead of talking the talk.  Not only did I feel so lady, but I looked it too.  It was illuminating from my soul with such a glow that people often stopped me on the streets to inquire about it.  It's much to be said about a love so strong that it makes it impossible to hide because every inch of your body is telling on you.  Kool-aid smiles, skips in my step, song in my voice and glowing skin, all that from just letting love in.

It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go, a feeling that made all of those other awful experiences seem so far away, a feeling that I never wanted to forget, a feeling that I wanted to commemorate just in case I never felt this way again.

Loving you was allowing me to love me.  Wanting to give you my best meant that I had to first achieve my best.  I can't give you something that I don't have.  I embarked on the journey of self-love full of hope and excitement...I had finally tasted what it felt like to stand in the light of unconditional love.  From that love, I found the strength to tackle things that had held me paralyzed in fear for months....even years.  And before I knew it, I was sitting in a tattoo parlor declaring my love for all to see... and how fitting that tat was!

Gotta Love Me before I can truly love anyone else, and trust me when I say, "I love me some ME!"

"True love can't be denied, opening your eyes to a whole new world, a brand new day.  Can't you feel it?" ~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do......Smooches

No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Things Got Personal....

We shouldn't had stayed for awhile....but we did.   And now I am sitting here trying to process how so many beautiful moments could be so not right.

 There were no writings on the wall to be read; we went down that rabbit hole eyes and hearts wide open, daring to walk that forbidden path.  Me believing I could handle it because my heart was really ice ice cold; he, I don't know, I can't speak for him.  There was no honor in what I did, even though these new fangled shows would lead you to believe that it's okay to bite the forbidden fruit.  It wasn't....

I remember the first time I heard the Best of Me, my whole soul smiled and my mind instantly started thinking of all the fun I had laughing and joking with the person who was unbeknownst to me, thawing my arctic heart.  The feeling I felt when his face lit up when he discovered me in a crowded room....Amazing.   The feeling I felt when he rang to check on me and Chucky (who by the way is no longer acting like the second coming of Lucifer so we will have to bless him with a new name)...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when he willingly gave me his undivided attention...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when I sat in his car for the very first time and he went through his playlist and settled on this song...sheepishly looking at me....beyond Amazing; I definitely wanted to stay for awhile.  And I wanted him to have the best me.

My heart had been so traumatized at the hands of so many, starting with the folks that brought me into this hateful world.  I didn't ever think that I would get to the point where I was truly open to love, open to being vulnerable and trusting someone with all of me, to truly stand bare, naked in front of someone again.   I never meant for this to happened.  I told myself that the connection I felt with him was because he reminded me so much of who I used to be:  caring, giving, looking out for the common man.  I told myself that the little hints I thought he was dropping were just in my head.  I told myself that I didn't want to travel down this road, not ever again.  I told myself that I had too much to lose and so did he.  I told myself that everything about him was wrong for me...

I was drawn in by the unspoken.  By how safe I felt with him.  I found myself telling him my deepest darkest secrets and fears and feeling okay with that.  I was hoping to push him away, but it only seemed to draw him in.  I knew that we could never have a happy ever after, but that didn't deter me.  I knew there was never really going to be a we, but I was still happy.  I knew that when it was all said and done, I would be by my lonesome, and still I pressed on.  It seemed so natural.  I felt so free.  Not only was I having fun loving him, I was having a blast loving me.

His love changed me.  It healed me.  It freed me.  That doesn't make what we did right; it just made it worthwhile.


"Sometimes good does come from doing bad, but the good will never outweigh the bad."  ~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do....Smooches