Sunday, September 6, 2009

10 to Life

That's what I keep telling myself as I try to process what's going on in my life right now.

I will probably get ten years to life and well, I just really don't care.

I am trying to be rational but my violent mama side is like "Hell to the Naw, let's ride!"

And those that really know me, know that I will ride. And not only will I ride but I also will pull a trigger and do a 1-8-7 on a man, woman, child, old, young, big, little, fat, skinny, short, tall...I will cap them all when it comes to my child. That's the long and the short of it.

So, I have been walking around for the last couple of days stressed anyways due to my health. It's somethings going on there that gots me racing to get some things in order. (see previous blog where I talk about Gone too Soon, I think..too antsy to check right now) Then, I am only able to connect to the internet like 5 minutes a day and on most days of late, not at all. So, I am over here writing my blogs on paper trying to release all of the madness from my spirit so I can move forward with my LUV mission. (I got's some funny stuff to tell yall)

And now this. And well the rational side is only winning because I have yet to come face to face with the perp...I had a very good chance of squashing my rage by busting someone in the head on the day it happened but Jill Scott foiled my plans. Talking about she didn't have any bail money, hmph, I had tried to give the heafa a blank check.

So, my child was sexually assaulted at school the other day and all I want to do is make someone pay. I really don't care who it is. Blood is blood as far as I am concerned. And that's what I want, Blood. I want a life because my child should not have to go through what he is about to go through. He shouldn't have to go to therapy every week. He should not have to talk to all of these strangers. He should not have to register with Crime Victim's Unit...He should not have to be forced to be anything other than the bratty child he is. But he is so I am seeing red...boy oh, boy am I seeing red.

The doctor and the social worker at the hospital has advised me not to talk to him until my rage subsides...I am not sure if I can wait until next year to address this with him. I know I need to bend these knees and ask Jah to take this hatred and rage from me, BUT I don't want him to. I want to kill someone, and then I want to sit and do my time with a smile on my face. Sure, I really won't be able to blog there but, who knows, maybe they will give me my own newspaper column.

"It is a given that the Devil retires only for a little while after your initial defeat of him. You never know when, where, or how he will attack again...but know this, just as surely as the sun sets and rises, he will attack again. He's sorta like a hater, he can't stand to see you shine. This is why you gots to stay prayed up everyday cuz you never know when the Devil might catch you slipping. I pray that I will not allow the Devil to steal my newfound joy."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

so needless to say the wireless connection dropped just as i was trying to post this thank goodness for automatic save


  1. I'm so, so sorry for what you, your son and your family are going through- horrendous. But.....your son needs you. Imagine how much harder this would be for him without you. I can truly understand your anger and feelings or rage, I would be exactly the same. You must insist that they fast track that counselling for you too. Please, please take care.....xx

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  3. Anonymous said...
    I'm sorry, love. You're allowed to be should be angry. And if you need to scream and cry and throw things when ** isn't around, you damn well should. But Chic Mama's right...he needs you, now more than ever, and for him you can't fall to pieces or get locked up. I love you both.

    September 8, 2009 10:17 AM

  4. Thanks guys for your support and Anon I had to edit yours to protect the child's identity.

    and yeah I am angry and well sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do

  5. That was gut wrenching to read.. I have a lump in throat because I can feel your pain.. I am so so sorry that you and your son are going through this.. And you are right, noe child shold ever have to go through this.. I can only imagine what you must be going through.. You are on the right track in knowing the best thing for you right now is to get down on your knees and ask the Lord you to help see your way through this becaue Chich Mamma is right, your son needs you now more than ever..
    Both of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  6. Even if you need a place to sit vent scream throw something...come over and do what you need to do....i love that child deserves this!

    Hair girl

  7. I am at a loss for words right now. Know that I am praying HARD for you two. I can imagine the rage that you feel, and I don't fault you one iota for it. But, remember, the rage you feel is because of the love you feel for your baby...and that's as it should be. However, that same love, will bring you back from your cloud of anger enough to see that your baby needs you HERE and HOME.

    I love you both, and will keep you in my prayers. I will also call you a little later on this weekend.

    Big Sista Alllllll That

  8. Thanks guys for all of the love and support. Right now I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it. Like it is so surreal at times. And it's really hard for me to deal with my issues with this because his issues with it have already started to manifest...

    but i am going to push forward because if I don't, the bad guys win. and not saying the person who did this was bad, because that person was a child as well and someone needs to make sure that he is safe.. this is not normal child behavior

  9. I am sorry I haven't been around much, so I am just catching up and I have tears in my eyes and down my cheek.
    I am so sorry your son had to go through that. And to read in your comments it was another child even hurts more. Because like you said it is not normal child behavior so something is not right is happening to that child.

    I always ask my children or warn them about adults but, I see now I need to talk to them about everyone.

    I am a victim of sexual abuse so I know it will be hard for your son and you. . .just stay strong for him and for yourself.