Vents, Frustrations, Updates, the Works

So basically that means that this will possibly be a long post. But I have been m.i.a. for a sec so I owe it to myself to try and get it all out.

I am going loco! KooKoo for cocoa puffs. I am tapping out. I am tired.

Everyday it's something with this child of mine. Every freaking day. And I just want to say, "You killing me Petey, you killing me." (in my Denzel voice, not that I have a Denzel voice cuz I don't sound like a man, but if I did, it would be in his voice)

I mean it's like the devil has honed in on all of my pet peeves and things that irk me and get under my skin and just delivered them in one super sonic snowball. I am like 'lawd, lawd, lawd have mercy' over here so much that Chucky's Bride can be caught saying the same thing when she playing with her dolls.

So for months now I have been dealing with ringworms. Have I ever mentioned how much I despise fungal infections? How they creep me out? How they make my skin crawl? How I have like an OCD cleaning habit when it comes to the bathroom and kitchen because I am such a germaphobe? So both Chucky and the Bride have ringworm. Chucky got it from his barber some months ago and the medicine is just not working...or maybe it's not working fast enough. And some kinda way CBride got it. Honestly, I think Chucky gave it to her on purpose...or maybe she got it from being at that ol' lady's house. I don't know. I know the doctor told me that once you on meds it's not supposed to be contagious but I am not so sure because Chucky's keeps flaring up like brand new. Anywho, all I know is I don't want it so I am over here screaming on these kids when they touch something that I have to lie on or put on my body. I mean these kids are nasty. I wasn't a nasty child. I was very germ conscious growing up. I mean the other day CBride gets out of her bed and comes to me talking bout, "here Ma-Ma, here, take this," and I am like take what, then I look down and this child has a gigantic booger on her finger, I could have hit the floor. So, I'm like, "what is that, a booger?" and she like, "yeah, take it." Now I don't know what here mommy and her grandma used to do, but I don't take nobody's boogers! I told her that she betta get her and her booger back to bed and that I bet not find it on nothing that belongs to me. Sheesh.

Then there is the bug issue. I hate bugs, especially roaches. I DESPISE roaches. I have never had to live with roaches and refuse to do so now. Typically, our building does not have bugs. But we have new tenants and well you know those jokers like to travel. And normally, I know that if they gonna spray our building that I am going to see 1 or 2 because they won't spray my unit because of the kids. So I just put down some roach gel and that's the end of it. Well, I happened to get some low-end, ghetto, 'i have been hit with every poison imaginable and i am still here' roach in my place and it is driving me crazy. I have gel-ed and bleached down my house and I still see a roach here and there and it's driving me bonkers. I don't do roaches. I break out in hives when I see them, been this way since I was little. I don't want to bomb. I have never had to bomb. But I am about to set about 12 of those jokers off up in here. I just need to find a place for the kids to stay.

So my child's teacher has confirmed my fears that my child is not on target to pass to the next grade. Not because he doesn't know the work but because he won't do the work. What am I to do? I mean before his little world was altered, he was a stellar student. I never had to threaten him to get his homework done..but now, I am at the point where I just send him to bed to save his life.

I started a new job! And I like it. It's stress free so far. But I have to figure out what to do about my old job. I need to get out of my funk. I keep trying but it seems like I keep sliding right on back down the hill. I have been eating healthier. It's funny because it wasn't really a conscious decision. It's that both of the kids are on these peculiar diets that it's just easier for us to all eat basically the same thing. So pork and beef has almost totally been eliminated from our diets. Now if I go over someone's house and they have some beef shortribs, yeah I am gonna handle them accordingly, but, I will not be buying any more pork and beef. I have also been doing a lot more fresh fruits, which are very expensive.

Okay so I have a confession to make, I have a slight crush on CQP. Just big enough to make Safeway jealous. It's not one of those, 'oooh, I want to show you my pole action and hump you all night types of crushes.' It's basically one of those 'aww, you are so cute cause you so green and hopeful, here's a lollipop' type of crush.

My bornday is coming. My bornday is coming! and I am not prepared. I am not on target. I need a couple of days to myself so I can finish cleaning, organizing, sorting, prepping, and sleeping. But as always, I am just gonna roll with the punches.

Even though I am not on target to where I wanted to be at this point, I have changed. I have grown. I have matured. I have opened. I am blooming.

"With growth there is pain, frustration, disappointment, tears, fears, and sometimes even failure; however, it never fails that when you stop anticipating the growth, and stop tinkering with the soil, and just let nature take its course, new life almost always starts to sprout, and before you know it, the seed has blossomed into a beautiful flower."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.


(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)


So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:


Counting my blessings.


People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.


The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.


I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.


The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).


"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

You Must Have Bumped Your Head

I mean for real. Because there is no other way to explain my child's behavior today.

This lil boy showed his entire behind. He had no shame and wasn't calling for "privacy." Today was his day to see QCP and well he was doing fine until we got there. I mean actually he had a wonderful day this morning. Got up and only took 45 minutes in the shower instead of an hour. He took all of his dirty clothes out with him cuz he remembered he wasn't at Jill Scott's house. He even hung up his rag and brushed his teeth without complaint.

I told him, "I am so proud of you. Your behavior is stellar. It's superb. It's excellent. Keep up the good work."

He went to school and got into a fight. I was even okay with this... see my child is a punk... and the kids pick on him cuz they know he not going to fight back. But he had had enough of this one lil boy and handled his business. I had already given his school notice that my child had the green light to put this particular boy on his back. My only problem with the situation was that when his teacher told him to stop, he did not. He actually went around her to try and further hammer into the boy's head that he was tired of him picking on him.

I told him, " I am not mad at you for defending yourself. I told you to put that lil boy on his back and you did just that. But, when your teacher tells you to stop, you are to do that...do you understand?"

So we travel to the library to burn some time before his session. I tell him to do his homework and he begins to try and rationalize why he wasn't going to do it right then and there. (so he's wearing on my patience. ) He then begins to ignore me as I tell him to leave the girl alone and let her put the puzzle together by herself. He then has an emotional meltdown and tell me that I don't love him. I just love the girl. I don't love him because I told her good job for using the pot and not going in her diaper.. now if that ain't the biggest load of crap, I don't know what is.

So we travel to CQP's building and he is fine. He is playing with Chucky's Bride and being attentive to her. CQP comes out and he is still fine. CQP ask him if he has food in his lunchbox and if so what it is... he is still fine. CQP is about to eat and generously gives my child some of his food and tells him to give me his lunchbox because he is going to eat pasta. My child loses it.

I swear you would have thought he never had it. This child screamed at the top of his lungs. He stomped his feet. He jumped up and down. He tried to snatch the lunchbox from my hand. He tried to apply pressure to my arm to get it out of my hand. He unzipped the box after I zipped it. He then decided he was going to wander through the office building unaccompanied by an adult to show his frustration.

And I, I remained calm. Why? Because I did not have my belt or a good pair of shoes on. My time to shine would come later. I watched as he continued to show his tail. I just kept praying that when I laid hands on him that I did not kill him.

Most of his session was spent with him wandering the hallways shouting out demands. He finally stated that I loved Chucky's Bride more and did not love him.

I said, "I love you, I do not love your behavior or your actions."

The funny thing is when we left you would have thought I had taken a different child home. He laughed. He played. He tried to strike up multiple conversations with me. He helped out Chucky's Bride. He politely and correctly asked for his lunchbox (and if you think I gave it to him, um you really don't know me). He came home took off his clothes and proceeded to play.

I helped Chucky's Bride get ready for bed and then I came into his room and began to beat the devil out of him. That was the only explanation I could come up with as to why he had acted a fool. The devil must have taken over his body and I wasn't going to let him have him without a fight.

Afterwards, we did homework without incident.

I said, "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't discipline you. I would let you run amuck. But I ain't ready to bury you so I will continue to keep my foot up your butt."

Let's pray the Devil has moved on and regular Chucky is back tomorrow.

"They say bring a child up in the way in which to walk and he will never leave it. I refuse to be hugging on my child from a jail cell or scattering his ashes. I know my child is going through a lot; we all are. I refuse to allow him to believe that he has the green light to act out simply because he is going through things. He will not be taught to be broken."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Lawd What Have I gotten Myself Into?

Sweet Jesus! It feels like I have Chucky and Chucky's Bride up in this piece. These two are driving me bananas. And when I say these two, I am talking about my child that I pushed out after 21 hrs 45 min and 31 sec of natural child birth and my sister's child. YEAH THIS WOULD BE MY BIOLOGICAL SISTER'S CHILD

I mean CQP (quack quack) thought it would be a good thing for my child seeing that he was still having trouble adjusting to his situation ... thinking that his being able to be my BIG HELPER would help move him right along...move him right along in front of that bus I am gonna throw him and her in front of...

I mean every 10 secs there's somebody crying and it's usually him. I'm like dude you 6 and she 2..get over it. (I mean she did whack him in the head with a metal lunchbox..but the other times she just tapped him) He falls out on the floor and screams, "Mommy she hit me...Mommy she is sitting next to me...MOMMY she calling you MOMMY.." I am about to put a sock in it and I ain't talking about one of those 3 for $5 specials... geez

And this child she is like Houdini's twin sister. I mean I have strapped her down in every contraption I can think of and find and just when I stick my chest out thinking I have finally defeated Chucky's spawn, I feel her tapping me on my leg, "Ma-Ma...I got out." I mean I have invested in just about every car seat out there and she gets out... now I am about to buy some chains and chain her lil butt down.. let's see how she likes those apples. She has no discipline, no structure, no sense of danger and no common sense. (if she did she wouldn't fool with me) So everything is "No." The other day while driving she hit me in the back of my head with a chicken bone because I wouldn't take it from her when she said she was done. The look on my child's face as I turned around to admonish her was priceless.. he was like, yes, this lil girl is about to meet her destruction and then I can have the back seat back to myself.

But she's two and she doesn't know the ropes so I give her a stern talking to and ask her if she understands and she says no and then proceeds to shout Hallelujah Hallelujah.. I gots her Hallelujah and will raise her by two...she will be seeing angels if she keeps messing with me and my child.

So, to say it's an adjustment is an understatement. But what's funnier is people's reaction to me having her. "Why do you have her?" "What are you going to do with her?" ( I don't know, I thought about eating her for dinner but she still poops on herself) Um, what happens if your sister wants her child back? (Um, it's her child. I don't want her. I have one special child, wasn't really in the market for one even more special... I am shooting for a normal child) Why didn't your sister keep her? (well, it's quite evident that whatever is going on inside her world she felt it was best to send her child away to be with someone else. I think this is much better than cutting the child's head off or shoving her in a dryer and turning it on... or selling her into prostitution)

I am a lot of things but heartless is not one of them. I typically do not sit up and talk about a situation without trying to be apart of the solution. I am not sure what is going on...but I am sure that I can raise a semi-emotionally stable child. I am willing to keep trying to get it right as long as people are willing to trust their children with me.

"Be the change you want to see in this world. Stop sitting around passing judgment and pouring salt on people. Love thy neighbor or thy niece as yourself..lawd, God knew how to keep me on my knees talking to him in the 2010 cuz this situation gonna take a lot of prayer."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Sky Is Falling (GUESS WHO'S BACK)

Ever felt this way? That everywhere you turned and every time you turned something was going really wrong...wrong to the point that you just knew the world must be getting ready to end. (not literally)

That the sky had to be falling and the ground had to be sinking cuz you felt like you were chin deep in mud and being slammed in the head with craters?

No... well, lucky you!

But seriously, it has been one thing after another. I have been trying to post before this but I had computer issues, then I had password issues, then I had life issues, then I had health issues and then I had more life issues, and more health issues, and then job issues, and it was issues on top of issues that I temporarily shut down.

BUT.....

I have been making progress which I will update you on in the upcoming days. I have continued with therapy and um, let me tell you this, therapy is HARD! My QUACK (um, he says he doesn't like this name...he just wants to be the guy I talked to...lmbo) isn't that insightful but he means well and he cares so I go..

My child still isn't quite right...but he is adjusting... the bedwetting had stopped and the attitude had simmered down but now we right back to square one. : (

My house, well it's 95% clean!!!! And I did some home improvements all by myself..I put up baseboards with a manual saw, some nails, and a hammer... and let me tell you, please don't cross me cuz I got the arms of a construction worker and I don't mind flexing. There are days that I go into my house and cry...I can't believe how much clutter I have gotten rid of since the starting of this blog.

My relationships, well the guy I was trying to get over must have thought I would crumble, after I broke down and cried...or maybe it was the devil...but whomever it was must not know that I AM A SURVIVOR (there will be a later post about this)

"Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but as long as we are among the living we can decide whether we are going to take what life throws at us on our back, knees or feet. Life sometimes really is what you make of it...Too often we take seriously the things and people we should look at as a joke and take for granted the things and people we should take seriously. Live life without regrets, chasing your own happiness, loving as much as possible, making it a worthwhile ride."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do!!!! Smooches

feels good to be back..

10 to Life

That's what I keep telling myself as I try to process what's going on in my life right now.

I will probably get ten years to life and well, I just really don't care.

I am trying to be rational but my violent mama side is like "Hell to the Naw, let's ride!"

And those that really know me, know that I will ride. And not only will I ride but I also will pull a trigger and do a 1-8-7 on a man, woman, child, old, young, big, little, fat, skinny, short, tall...I will cap them all when it comes to my child. That's the long and the short of it.

So, I have been walking around for the last couple of days stressed anyways due to my health. It's somethings going on there that gots me racing to get some things in order. (see previous blog where I talk about Gone too Soon, I think..too antsy to check right now) Then, I am only able to connect to the internet like 5 minutes a day and on most days of late, not at all. So, I am over here writing my blogs on paper trying to release all of the madness from my spirit so I can move forward with my LUV mission. (I got's some funny stuff to tell yall)

And now this. And well the rational side is only winning because I have yet to come face to face with the perp...I had a very good chance of squashing my rage by busting someone in the head on the day it happened but Jill Scott foiled my plans. Talking about she didn't have any bail money, hmph, I had tried to give the heafa a blank check.

So, my child was sexually assaulted at school the other day and all I want to do is make someone pay. I really don't care who it is. Blood is blood as far as I am concerned. And that's what I want, Blood. I want a life because my child should not have to go through what he is about to go through. He shouldn't have to go to therapy every week. He should not have to talk to all of these strangers. He should not have to register with Crime Victim's Unit...He should not have to be forced to be anything other than the bratty child he is. But he is so I am seeing red...boy oh, boy am I seeing red.

The doctor and the social worker at the hospital has advised me not to talk to him until my rage subsides...I am not sure if I can wait until next year to address this with him. I know I need to bend these knees and ask Jah to take this hatred and rage from me, BUT I don't want him to. I want to kill someone, and then I want to sit and do my time with a smile on my face. Sure, I really won't be able to blog there but, who knows, maybe they will give me my own newspaper column.

"It is a given that the Devil retires only for a little while after your initial defeat of him. You never know when, where, or how he will attack again...but know this, just as surely as the sun sets and rises, he will attack again. He's sorta like a hater, he can't stand to see you shine. This is why you gots to stay prayed up everyday cuz you never know when the Devil might catch you slipping. I pray that I will not allow the Devil to steal my newfound joy."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

so needless to say the wireless connection dropped just as i was trying to post this thank goodness for automatic save

And Not With A Soda On The Side!

So I have been feeling a little under the weather.

I have had snoot running from my nose, my head has been throbbing, and my ears have been popping, and my child has been a whining.

Just whining about any and everything and well, it just got me to thinking about some things.

Things like how when I am sick, I really want to be catered to by a warm body that has a lot of testosterone running through it and preferably is over the age of 20. Now, I ain't talking about having nobody wipe my nose and my butt (no, I didn't have the runs, but I am just saying). I am talking about having someone fret over me. Make me some tea. Make me some cocoa. Make me some freakin' CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP! Bring me some tissue, you know the soft kind that won't make all them ugly scabs show up around my nose. Someone to ask me if there is anything they can do to make it better, even if they know that I am going to say 'no.'

I also realized that even though I am a great MOMMY.....

That I don't particularly care for being a mommy.

That's the plain truth of it. I mean I love kids. And at one time I wanted 10 of them. Five of my own and I wanted to adopt five. Now, I don't want any. I want a DO OVER.

This is hard work and on most days I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be.

It's like the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself. Why bring a kid into the equation? Yeah these are things that I should have thought about before pre-creation, and I thought I had thought them through. But, I just don't like being a parent. Now, it goes without saying that if my child wasn't such a brat that I probably would enjoy being a parent, but he is and i don't and I guess that's life, which is why I just do the best I can do.

I am thinking I am gonna have a slide show for you guys tomorrow, so please toon in.

"Life doesn't always give us what we need or what we want, but that should not stop us from doing what we need to or want to do. Most happy people accept what they have and work with what they got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)