So they tell me...

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you vulnerable..you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)




I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it do...so when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)




Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I Think I Can....

But does that mean that I can?



I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?



I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?



What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?



What if?



I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.



I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.



I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..





I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?





"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

When It's All Said And Done

I want what you want...



Some days I want it more than you...



And other days, not so much.

I want to be free!


Free from it all...


It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.

It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.

It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.

It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.

It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.

It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.

It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.

It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.

It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.

See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.

It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.

It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)

It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.

So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.

"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

2 ~Your Aspirations

I know it's probably weird that I chose to do this challenge backwards, but I wanted to go through the deep stuff first cuz I aspire to be emotionally full before 2011 sneaks in...

And for me that means tackling the hard, heavy, make you pause and ponder for a moment or two, situations head on.

I have a lot of things in the works. I am setting my stage for greatness, but before I can take my place at center stage, I must, I must, I must shake off these last couple of shackles that are holding me in bondage, depriving me of my total freedom.

I aspire to be totally open with myself at all times regardless of how it makes me feel. I aspire to process my emotions in a more healthy manner. I aspire to own a house big enough for me to hide from Chucky and CsB (if she still here). I aspire to launch an organization that will help eradicate some of the atrocities I see today. (haha, that said a lot and at the same time nothing). I aspire to become a better parent...even though I tell my child that I am the best, I am not. I have a lot of areas that need improvement, and well I am down (or is it up) for the challenge.

I aspire to be the love that I am searching for...

I aspire to swing through life like it's been handed to me on a silver platter even when my world has been turned upside down.

"The difference between aspiring and achieving is taking the next step...forward movement."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Updates, Rants, Vents, Etc...

I am a star...

Yup, a Supastar. I had forgotten this...but now that it's back on my heart and in my mind, I am gonna hold on tight to it.

I have been moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving AND crying. Yes, lawd, I have been crying and it feels good. It feels good to be able to release those toxins. Next big challenge is to cry in front of CQP...we shall see..

I have been successful with keeping up with my outward transformations. I am more comfortable now with applying makeup to this already gorgeous face. I still am however trying to figure out how to keep it from running down my face when I sweat. I am still not a huge fan of makeup but, I don't totally hate it any more. So I have made it my goal to apply some type of color to my face at least twice a week. I still have been accessorizing... as much as I can. My ears started to react to my earrings ~ see I am allergic to everything but solid gold but I can only afford chinastore gold...so I had been coating the earrings with clear polish which normally works, I guess it may be time to apply another coat.

I have been wearing my feet out despite all that chatter that my PIC has been keeping up. This is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait until next summer. Them bad boys gonna have a fierce tan they gonna be out so much.

I am in the process of setting my schedule up for the upcoming school year. I have decided that I am really gonna focus to spend more face time with my child. I am really going to make sure he understands he is a priority in my life. I am also going to have to limit my time on my various social networks. It's getting out of hand for me. So, I will only FB and Tweet before 6:30 pm, after that it's a wrap. I will be busy with prepping dinners and doing homework and getting caught up on personal enrichment like personal study and reading, in between running from this practice to the next.

I have faced a lot of roadblocks and I know that I am so much better for facing them than stuffing them or avoiding them. I have changed so much. I know that I am not the same person I was when I started this blog and I know that I will definitely not be the same person when I finish.

I am setting the stage for my greatness. I am preparing myself for my King. I am enjoying my life and taking time out to smell the roses and enjoy sunsets. I am living!

"Sometimes the only thing you can do in life is to 'just keep swimming' and hope that when it's all said and done that even if you went 'over' when you were supposed to go 'through' that it all turned out A-okay in the end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Curse of My Gift

I have a very peculiar gift.


A lot of people swear they wish they had it.


People are always astounded by it.

I HATE it on most occasions.

I have an extraordinary memory. I can not only remember things from 30 years ago (there I go dating myself) but I can remember very specific details like: conversations (verbatim), outfits worn, where people stood, exact locations, etc...etc. Stuff that no one should want to remember.


My short term memory is more profound than my long term memory. I can memorize vast amount of knowledge in a short period of time and regurgitate it upon command, on most occasions. This is how I made it through law school. I did not open most books until the week of finals. Since my grade would only consist of my final there was no need for me to store all that mundane jargon throughout the school year when I could just cram during finals week. It's also how I passed the Bar after only studying for three days.

So many may be reading this and saying well what is the problem..sounds good to me.. the problems is I just don't remember the good, I remember EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. And some days it just seems like the bad outweighs the good.


Maybe that's why I wouldn't commit to writing this blog as openly as I needed to...maybe that's why it took another tragedy to get me into therapy. I remember that I started going to the Rape Crisis Center... I went for a couple of sessions and just stopped going. It was too much for me. While the ladies were up sharing, I was transported back to my room, to my bed, to my apartment where I was being victimized. Do you know what it's like to be victimized in what's supposed to be your safe haven? Everyday that I came home, I relived this tragedy. Scene by scene. Because that's what it had become for me: a movie.


I hated coming home because I knew the minute that I opened the door, I would be transported back in time. So, I took to doing things to take my mind off the foolishness like dating losers (and I am not calling them losers after-the-fact, I knew they were losers before hand), eating baking soda, and writing. That's how I met my child's donor. That's partially why I am sick right now. I wrote a book about my ordeal and when I was approached by a publisher to publish it, I freaked out and shelved the book. I also started doing something else that I hadn't done before, I started editing my tragedy.


Each day I would change a scene. Sometimes it would be something small and other times it would be something big. It got to the point that I had edited it so much that I didn't even get raped, I got away...and well that's probably why the rape never really bothered me per se, I had fooled myself into believing that it didn't really happened the way that it happened. Now the twins, that was something totally different, I couldn't edit that pain away.

I couldn't change the fact that so many people told me their dying was the best because I shouldn't have tried to keep the rapist baby. I couldn't edit out the look on my child's face as I held him in the palm of my hand as he died. I couldn't edit out the pain that I felt at having to go through most of the ordeal alone because I didn't know who would be bitten with the stupid bug. I couldn't edit scenes and I couldn't numb the pain or blink away the stupid people.

There are a lot of painful episodes in my life that I can't let go of because they are so fresh in my mind, it's like they just happened. So, I can't forgive, because I can't forget that you stood there and laughed at me and played that stupid Ebony and Ivory song at a time when I needed to be told that I was pretty, that Black was beautiful...anything BUT that I was black followed by the snickering and the playing of Stevie's song. I can't trust because I hear and replay all of the broken promises that were broken even before they left the lips of the people uttering them.


So, you can imagine that this can get tiresome. It was sorta like I had pain OCD because my mind would not constantly replay the good episodes, it was only the ones that caused my knees to buckle that my brain had on repeat. Maybe it was a defense mechanism...keeping the pain fresh in my mind so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. But it had the opposite effect; I typically fell into the same situation, scenario, relationship because I couldn't mentally edit the outcome. So, I had to try and physically alter the outcome by proving to myself that if placed in the almost exact situation again, I would come away with different results.

Well, you should know how that worked for me.

Yup, it got me a whole bunch of new painful episodes for my brain to replay.


So, I developed another way to deal with the issues of remembering so much: I stopped listening and participating. I only listen to half of what people tell me so when I go to process the info later on, I can't because it doesn't make sense. I only participate 50% in a relationship so I am very rarely forced to "show-up." How can I, I only remember half of what was said and half of that I have edited to fit my needs.

And while this new technique works to a certain degree, it does nothing for the syndicated programs that play daily in my head. How do I pull the plug on them? How do I turn them off. How do I let the real healing begin? Because I can't stop treating Jack Sprat like Jack Benimble if I am reliving my relationship with Jack every second of the day.


I wonder if I can't forget because I haven't forgiven or if I can't forgive because the images are so etched in my mind and heart.... I don't know. But I have started trying something new, because you know what they say....

I have started forgetting not so good events in my life as soon as they happen and you know what, I find that I don't have a need to forgive because I can't even remember actually why I was upset in the first place. I have also started giving most people the benefit of the doubt and not instantly believing they meant to cause me harm. This has also eliminated my need to forgive because if it wasn't done maliciously, there is no need to sweat it, so I just let it roll right off my back and on out the door.

No need to make a sitcom out of a doomed pilot.

"They tell us that we should forgive and forget, it is the Christian way. But how do you forgive if you can't forget the hurt and pain that were caused by the deed? How do you forget something that you are trying so hard not to forgive? I guess the real question would be: how do you progress forward when you steady holding on to what's behind you?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz i Surely Do (smooches)

My Guy

So it's becoming apparently obvious that it must be destined for me to get with a BIG guy because as of late a lot of really, really, big guys have been approaching me.

Now don't get me wrong, if that's what you like then I love it, for you. NOT ME, but for you? I mean have you seen me? Okay, some of you all haven't seen me, but for those of you that have, you know that me with a 6'3" 320 lb man is NOT a good look for me. I mean we won't be looking like a ten but people will be looking at us wondering how my lungs were holding up. I mean really, I have dated people heavier than me...Dirty was heavier than me and when he used to hug me or snuggle with me, it was like he was squeezing the life out of me.

I mean I remember on many occasions screaming, "get off me, I can't breathe." That's when I took to changing his diet. I wasn't trying to die from suffocation of a lover. "How did she die?" "I hugged her."

So today I went to the doctor's to get more test ran..I am sure my insurance is loving me. And there's this dude that has made it clear that he is really into me and well, I won't lie, I adore the attention, BUT not him. I mean the attraction level is zero partly because our bodies are not compatible. I am thick as I was told by several cuties today, but I ain't as thick as I would need to be to be able to deal with the likes of him. I mean he leaned on me and it felt like my ribs were cracking. Now don't get me wrong, he ain't sloppy looking and he ain't obese BUT he is too big for me. It would be like the old Monique getting with Snoop...she too big for him.

But just dealing with this guy on the limited basis that I do, has prompted me to think about what qualities and features do I want in my guy. And well I am really not sure. I thought I wanted an expressive guy, but this dude is always about to cry when he talking to me and telling me about how he so into me but his life ain't quite right. And I really want to tell him sometimes to MAN THE HECK UP, I mean I might get him a MAN DOWN shirt. So, I am going to list the qualities that I think I want in a guy and revisit this when I have more time to really process what I need from a guy and not just what I want.

What I need from him is:

Understanding, it's so simple as 1, 2, 3 (I couldn't resist)

But seriously, I need: Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Love, Support, Tender Affection, Commitment, Good Sex (all sex is not good), Protection/Security, Friendship, Stability, Openness, Leadership

"As we grow and mature, we understand that what we want should not outweigh what we need."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ps: Thursday Therapy is coming, I just didn't want to post it before the Quack was finished reading what he was supposed to be reading because I don't really want him to read my take on this session.

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Hope After Destruction

I want this.

No, I need this.

I need to get down to the niddity gritty of this LOVE/TRUST thing because I am headed toward self-destruction...headed toward self-destruction.

I am tired of this inward, outward battle of proving that I deserve to be loved only to don my Nike's when it appears to be headed my way.

I didn't ask to be beaten. I didn't ask to be made to feel less than. I didn't ask to be made fun of. I didn't ask to be here.....but I AM and it looks like I am not going anywhere anytime soon. So, it's time for me to expose the demons in my head. It's time for me to step from behind the veil and let the world see me in all of my glory.

This week is a very difficult week for me....This week used to be a very difficult week for me. This week will no longer impact my life to the point it cripples me and emotionally shuts me down. Ten years ago, I was raped during this week. It's funny, because until recently, every detail of the event was still etched into my brain, but today as I type this...the details are very hazy.

This week is also the week that I met with my family and learned that sometimes even the families you choose will turn around and bite you in the butt while stabbing you in the face. I don't think I ever got over the hurt and pain from finding out that people I had taken a chance on, that people I loved and shared so much of myself with were sitting up talking about me and my child. BACKSTABBERS...yall know the song.

So I am damaged; I am bruised, BUT I am restockable.

I still have worth, even with all my baggage, with all my heartaches and breaks, with all of my disappointments. And I had forgotten this....

I had been in the charge formation for so long ( you know, head slightly tilted forward, eyes slanted, shoulders squared, knees slightly bent and feet dug in) that I had forgotten that everything did not have to be a battle. That some things weren't worth fighting for....

They say that if you want different results that you have to do things differently. Well me just doing the quick battle line assessment of situations, devoting time to the things that appeared to be salvageable and not even bothering with those looking like they were about to flatline, has not worked for me. I have saved a lot of things that I should have let die and let perish things that still had life in them.

"Defeat is only final if you accept it. For the past ten years I have been wandering around the same valley, experiencing the same types of situations BECAUSE I refused to learn the lesson. I refused to accept that even though I was severely wounded that I had not been struck with a fatal blow...I still had life in me. That I still was capable of accomplishing the impossible dream even with all the trauma I had seen and experienced. Today, I rise, will you join me?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (SMOOCHES)

Thursday's Therapy~Stacking the Deck

Shuffle, Shuffle, Cut, Cut, Deal, Deal, Flip a Card, Deal

So, this is what the quack thinks I am doing to him. He thinks that I am shuffling up whatever it is he is asking me, cutting it down into segments that I can quickly manipulate, then dealing him out a heap of HORSE CRAP (but of course he used the word BullS) with one or two honest responses mixed in the HORSE CRAP.

It's quite interesting....

Whenever I would go to speak, he would whip out his imaginary deck of cards and begin to deal out my HORSE CRAP.

The things is, he would be dealing when I was actually being sincere and not dealing when I was giving him FILLERS or FLUFF not HORSE CRAP. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I have mastered the art of talking in circles to the point that even when I am being straight forward it is sounding like randomness? Or is it that I have been doing this for so long that I don't even know what I am really feeling? (I know that sounds crazy but it is possible to run from your feelings so much that you actually lose touch with what you are actually feeling...you begin to fool yourself) Or, is it that his male ego is so fragile that when he told me that he knew a lot about me and I laughed and said, "oh, really, a lot of people feel that way...but trust, just because I have sat and talked with you for an hour doesn't mean that you have learned anything about me. I can say a lot and not really say anything at all," that I damaged his ego?

So now, this week he is over there dealing cards and telling me that I am pouring it on and well, I wasn't. Or at least I don't think I was. Actually, I know I wasn't. I was having a really bad day, spent the morning in my car crying while talking to my uncle. (but that's a story for another blog in another location) And, well, I just didn't have it in me to talk in circles because I was already emotionally drained.

So my homework: (yeah this is gonna get old after awhile, if I wanted to be writing papers, I would go on back to my part time job of being a professional student.)

Write about why do I think I am in therapy. Why do I think I am ready for therapy. Why do I think I am not ready for therapy.

And if I simply write that I am ready for love, he will whip out that deck of cards and then I would probably wanna horse kick him.

"Masks, we all wear them, actually, we are taught to wear them, and even encouraged to wear them, whether it's to mask how we truly feel about a person or a situation, or to hide what type of individual or worker we are...we wear them. Some people have the ability to change masks as quickly as a person changing a hat or a pocketbook. Masks are fascinating and often necessary, but the danger with masks is: you wear them long enough, people won't be able to tell your representative from the real thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I'm Going To See the Wizard

Okay, I lied, I am really finally going to see a Quack.

And I kinda have mixed emotions about it. I mean on one hand, I want him/her to perform a miracle. I want him/her to sprinkle some fairy dust and make me all better. Or, I want him to sing a song about me having a heart, a brain or some courage and for me to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then I leave feeling better than before.


I want the pain of my childhood...erased. I want the pain of losing my babies... erased. I want the experience of being violated...erased. I want the frustration of feeling like a motherless, fatherless child...erased. But I really want the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved ERASED.

They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but the reality is, what doesn't kill you drives you insane. At least that has been my experience.


So, I know the Quack can't make all of my fears, frustrations, pains and disappointment disappear but I would like them to cuz my notion of coping is "just ignoring the situation" and well as i look at my toe, i know ignoring a situation hasn't quite worked out well for me in the past.


It's funny because I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with going to see a Quack even though I feel it will be totally beneficial for me... it's something about having it documented that I can't handle everything thrown at me...that I don't use the best coping techniques all the times...that it does matter A LOT when I put forth the effort to love someone and they don't love me back... it's like letting the world know that I am not as put together as they thought. (now I have been telling people for the longest that I am not as strong as they think I am but now it's like they gonna have proof) I know it's silly, but it's real. It's what I am feeling right now.

So I guess, on the other hand, I want to go and I want the Quack to tell me that I had the solution right under my nose that all I had to do was click my Nike's or Keds 3-4 times and that I would be where I want to be with who I want to be there with.

Nevertheless, I am going to go and lie on this couch and try and cram as much of my life into the one hour free consultation as I can.

Really the hard part has already been done... I already know my issues and WHY I have the issues, I just need to know how to fix, cope, deal with , maintain my issues.

"Sometimes we have to accept that there are no quick fixes to our issues and that the fix may be simply to maintain to the best of your ability until you can affect enough change to alter the course of your life...it's kinda like playing cards, like when you are dealt a sucky hand that you can't throw back in, sometimes you just gots to put on your poker face, take a deep breath, and play that crappy hand and hope the next deal won't be so bad."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Supa Supa 8....

I've been tagged by the delightful Chic Mama in a tag of eights.
The rules are:
- Mention the person who tagged you.
- Complete the list of eights
- Tag eight others and let them know.

1) Eight things I am looking forward to :
-My cruise
-School Starting back
-My child moving out
-My child stop whining
-Going on a road trip across country next year with my child if I don't push him overboard on my cruise
-being a wonderful wife
-Having a normal child
-Loving Luv for a long time to come

2) Eight things I did yesterday:
-cried
-bleed through my clothes
-cried again
-went to the library
-called safeway-Posted a blog
-checked facebook
-beat the cat

3) Eight things I wish I could do:
- Take a trip by myself or with my girls
- go get some white castles
- Get paid before pay day
- Sew
- Play the piano
- sing in key- find a job i actually like
- turn back the hands of time


4) Eight places I would like to travel to:
-Africa
-Alaska
-Aruba-Australia
-Japan
-Thailand
-India
-Russia


5) Eight places I've travelled to:
-Bahamas
-Israel
-Jordan
-Germany
-Italy
-Spain
-Canada
-Jamaica

6) Eight people to tag:
hmm...I will have to think about this one

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

p.s. I will be cruising in a couple of days and I still have not packed a thing... not one item and on the boat, I will not have access to internet, so if you don't here from me for a minute now that I am okay, and that I am really enjoying learning to love moi.

So He Didn't Put a Ring On It

So now what? What am I supposed to do? I mean I know I am not supposed to crumble or break down and cry...truth is I may have cried a lil river but I knew I would survive make it stop crying eventually soon enough.

And well, I have, sorta. I mean I can turn on my radio and hear No One or Heaven Sent and not have a deluge pour from my eyes.

But it still hurts, it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks... and even though it has been a year, or so, it feels like it just happened, it feels like just the other day he was holding me in his arms telling me that he loved me... (*cough*) and in the same breath telling me that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure of what he wanted and that he couldn't ask me to wait around to decide if marriage was right for him.


I was devestated, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so busy worrying about whether I had played the fool, to let my feeling process and digest what had happened. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to feel the anger and rage that I needed to experience to allow myself to get to the point that I needed to get to so that I could find closure. All I was concerned about was whether I was going to be the laughing stock and if he had cheated on me.


"He's Just Not Into You" -- but what if he was? What if he was just too scared to man up? Or what if my prospective future scared him? What if he really believe that he was unworthy or that he could not provide for me adequately? And what if he was a reflection of the feelings that I had allowed to be manifested in me? What if this seemly perfect relationship had to sour because I needed to LOVE ME FIRST before I could even began to love someone else or understand the love they professed for me?

Well, my unwillingness to face the harsh realities of what had become of my love life is what left the door open to frequent longings and infrequent pity visits to quash those frequent longings. And well, I finally got tired of the ups and downs and twists and turns and mustered up enough courage to simply walk out and shut the door behind me.

And now I have decided to take this time to court me, to get to know me, to love me, to spoil me and so I shall....

This is a little something I wrote while I was going through it:

How Long Is It Gonna Hurt?

i tried hating you

i tried berating you

i tried filling that void by busying myself

i tried cutting all ties

and even did my final goodbyes

but i keep finding myself right back here

right back wondering

right back crying

right back engulfed in the sea of confusion

and, yes, even jealousy so,

i am just wondering how long is it going be

before i can be okay with knowing

there is no more u and me

Well, today I know that it will take as long or as short as I allow it to take. And I choose to not let it have power over me any more.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things, however, at times Love does hurt, and it hurts even more when you try to hold onto a love that you need to let go...so if this is your situation, trust me when I say, let it go, shed your stream, river, ocean and keep it moving."

~GOTTA LUV MOI, CUZ I SURE DO (SMOOCHES)

Expecting a Full Return

So, I am not and probably never will be a girly girl. It's just not in me. I just don't have the time nor the energy to spend in the mirror every morning, noon, and night.

I mean geesh! First you gots to put it on, then you gots to touch it up to keep it on throughout the day AND then you gots to take it all off so you can do it all OVER AGAIN the next day..... yeah, I will pass.

BUT, I do think that it's beyond time for me to smooth out some of the rough edges, I mean I am a lady. *batting my eyes and gripping my gat, daring someone to state otherwise* And well today seemed as good as a time as any to get the ball rolling. So, I spent some money that I didn't really have to spare on some smoothing over tools.

I got me some makeup, I'm sure my cuzzo will be happy that she can finally throw away my makeup that's like 10 years old and been used like 3 times.. (i said i wasn't a girly girl) I also got me some accessories, I'm sure my other cuzzo will be elated cuz now I can stop borrowing hers. And I got me some high hopes and great expectations.....

I am hoping that the transition period for me to feel comfortable in all of this mess isn't a long awkward one and I am expecting my investment to pay high dividends... I mean, there is always room for improvement, and there's nothing wrong with sprucing up your FRESH.

Afterall, I have been so busy doing for others that I have been neglecting myself and well it's a new day, a new dawn and honey I'm about to Upgrade ME!!!!!

"If no one has told you that you are fly, know that I think you are...you may not be as fly as me, but you are the flyest YOU around!"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

I Wanna Be Loved

You ever felt that way? Just woke up one morning and was like:



"I want to be loved, inside and out. I want to be loved even when I spit, cuss, and shout. I want to be loved on my good days as well as my bad. I want to be loved when my hair 's did and when I can't even get a comb through it. I want to be loved when I am borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I want to be loved simply because I deserve to be loved, unconditionally."



Well, I have felt that way on plenty of occasions and got to looking around and found that I was all by my lonesome and I started to feel sad..okay, I'm lying, I got right down depressed... but then one day (not sure how many days had passed before that one day came, but the point is, it came) it hit me..



Gurl, you better love yourself cuz it's no telling when someone's gonna come around to do the lovin for yah..





And well, that's what dis here blog is about, me learning to love myself, that way when my Romeo, Casanova, knight w/ or w/o his armor, or my prince charming come, I will be able to tell him HOW I desire to be loved. Because the fact of the matter is, if I don't know what I like or what I want, then how will I know if the love he's offering me is going to be enough to last the test of time.



So please bear with me as I sort things out, now buckle up cuz I am sure we in for a heck of a ride.

And remember if noone has told you today that they love you, know that you are loved...

~Gotta Luv MOI Cuz I Sure Do