I Think I Can....

But does that mean that I can?



I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?



I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?



What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?



What if?



I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.



I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.



I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..





I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?





"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

She Made Her Bed Hard

So why can't she lie in it in peace. Why she gots to keep reaching out to me?!? I don't want her friendship. I don't want her trinkets. I don't want her love. AND I shole as heck don't need her mothering.

I just want her to leave me alone. Seriously. Just leave me be to find my way...and if my way should cross paths with hers, so be it, we make amends then and move on. But as of right now, I want her to stop sending me freaky looking texts of her face, of her hair, of her travels, and of her whereabouts. I honestly do not care.

I do not care that she cut her hair, dye her hair or even has hair. Is that harsh? Well, it's the truth. I do not care to share any of my personal tidbits with her about me or my child. Now that I have my niece, she thinks that she has more freedom to collide with my world more often. She is wrong. So, so, so, so, so very wrong. (in my Jill Scott voice, lol)

The line was drawn a long time ago. I never erased it. How dare she cross it without checking to see if it was okay with me. She infuriates me because she is the same, she ain't changed. She still the same ole person just light years older. It's funny cuz sometimes I look at her and see that she too is struggling to grow up that lil scared girl, struggling to find her way...but that ain't got much to do with me. Go head girl, find your way. Get your groove back. Do you. Leave me alone! Is that too much to ask?

She brings a lot of unnecessary drama into my life. Drama messes with my freedom. I don't sugarcoat much, especially not with females. Especially not the ones I am related to. People on the outside looking in would say that she is trying..that she is trying really hard and that I am just being difficult. WRONG. If she was trying, she would just leave me alone and just pray that I come around not try and force herself on me. She ain't about TEAM LUV she ain't NEVER BEEN ABOUT TEAM LUV...and trust me when I tell you that ain't changing over night. That ain't changing when the ink dries on hers and my father's divorce papers. That ain't changing cuz I have my niece. Lawd that probably ain't never going to change.

I didn't wear jewelry...haven't for years. She states, "You never wear any earrings, let me buy you some." I say, "No." Months later I receive some hideous earrings in the mail with this detailed text about how I should keep them even if I don't like them. Huh? Who buys something for someone knowing they ain't going to like it? Who buys contact holders for someone who doesn't wear contacts. And it would be the thought that counts IF she didn't go all out for the gifts she gives my siblings. I remember when I got that contact crap all the stuff she got my brother who was going away to Iraq. She hand picked everything HE LIKED and gave it to him. She sent him care packages of things he liked until he told her to stop cuz his wife was sending him care packages...then she got in her feelings and sent his last care package box to me filled with stuff either I was allergic to or never have liked. But she's trying, right?

I am not that little girl I used to be. Nor am I the grown up version of she. I am so much more ---- better. Yet, I am not the best I can or shall be...but I will get there. I cannot afford to let my mother to take up residence in my intimate space and therefore I will be removing the link that gave her the courage to open up my door and try to walk on in.

My niece has to go back....I am determined to be free.

"There are casualties in war...I am fighting for my Freedom...the quickest and safest way for me to get there is to unload some of this dead weight...don't want my fate to mirror theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Patch it or Let it Burn

I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!

So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.

Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.

I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.

Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?


I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.

All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.


"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

2 ~Your Aspirations

I know it's probably weird that I chose to do this challenge backwards, but I wanted to go through the deep stuff first cuz I aspire to be emotionally full before 2011 sneaks in...

And for me that means tackling the hard, heavy, make you pause and ponder for a moment or two, situations head on.

I have a lot of things in the works. I am setting my stage for greatness, but before I can take my place at center stage, I must, I must, I must shake off these last couple of shackles that are holding me in bondage, depriving me of my total freedom.

I aspire to be totally open with myself at all times regardless of how it makes me feel. I aspire to process my emotions in a more healthy manner. I aspire to own a house big enough for me to hide from Chucky and CsB (if she still here). I aspire to launch an organization that will help eradicate some of the atrocities I see today. (haha, that said a lot and at the same time nothing). I aspire to become a better parent...even though I tell my child that I am the best, I am not. I have a lot of areas that need improvement, and well I am down (or is it up) for the challenge.

I aspire to be the love that I am searching for...

I aspire to swing through life like it's been handed to me on a silver platter even when my world has been turned upside down.

"The difference between aspiring and achieving is taking the next step...forward movement."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

1 ~ Allow Me 2 Introduce Myself

(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)



My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.



I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.



I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.


I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect



I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.

"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

I Guess I Am In Good Company

I've been busy y'all. Busy living and loving, and loving and living. And it feels good. Each day I am excited to see what new thing I am going to discover about me...or better yet, what new things someone else is going to notice about me. I feel like a new person since I have been doing all this purging. I feel like a weight has been lifted since I have exposed MOST of my sins...can't tell it all, oh the Po-Pos will be knocking at my door.

It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.

I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.


But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)


To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.

Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)


This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...

"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their job...so when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

My Sunshine Has Come....

and life is oh, so good...nope, it's GREAT!

And ain't nothing changed but my outlook on life. I'm still over here rubbing 2 nickels together praying they will turn into two quarters. I feel amazing, and I know I have more pep in my step cuz I am causing traffic jams and accident from all the gauking.

I am finally realizing that I hold the key to my own happiness. I can be happy and be alone. i can be happy and be in a room full of people, with all their pretentious ways and still be happy.

I can be happy and be poor. I can be happy! Wow, even I can be happy despite all that I have endured...endurance, that is a trait a lot of us have to cultivate cuz God is not going to deliver us out of everything.

I have resolved each day to choose something that I want to do differently, not that I SHOULD do differently...

And today I choose to see the world differently...see it as filled with people just like me trying to make it to the next level, trying to make it all make sense for them, trying to keep their head above water...and for that I choose to exercise a little more patience; not only with the people that I meet, but also, with myself because NO ONE is perfect.

And with that I shall find that I have more time to smile and be happy than to frown and be mad.

"I have the power to be happy, it's up to me to choose whether to exercise this power, for happiness truly is a state of mind."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

The Curse of My Gift

I have a very peculiar gift.


A lot of people swear they wish they had it.


People are always astounded by it.

I HATE it on most occasions.

I have an extraordinary memory. I can not only remember things from 30 years ago (there I go dating myself) but I can remember very specific details like: conversations (verbatim), outfits worn, where people stood, exact locations, etc...etc. Stuff that no one should want to remember.


My short term memory is more profound than my long term memory. I can memorize vast amount of knowledge in a short period of time and regurgitate it upon command, on most occasions. This is how I made it through law school. I did not open most books until the week of finals. Since my grade would only consist of my final there was no need for me to store all that mundane jargon throughout the school year when I could just cram during finals week. It's also how I passed the Bar after only studying for three days.

So many may be reading this and saying well what is the problem..sounds good to me.. the problems is I just don't remember the good, I remember EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. And some days it just seems like the bad outweighs the good.


Maybe that's why I wouldn't commit to writing this blog as openly as I needed to...maybe that's why it took another tragedy to get me into therapy. I remember that I started going to the Rape Crisis Center... I went for a couple of sessions and just stopped going. It was too much for me. While the ladies were up sharing, I was transported back to my room, to my bed, to my apartment where I was being victimized. Do you know what it's like to be victimized in what's supposed to be your safe haven? Everyday that I came home, I relived this tragedy. Scene by scene. Because that's what it had become for me: a movie.


I hated coming home because I knew the minute that I opened the door, I would be transported back in time. So, I took to doing things to take my mind off the foolishness like dating losers (and I am not calling them losers after-the-fact, I knew they were losers before hand), eating baking soda, and writing. That's how I met my child's donor. That's partially why I am sick right now. I wrote a book about my ordeal and when I was approached by a publisher to publish it, I freaked out and shelved the book. I also started doing something else that I hadn't done before, I started editing my tragedy.


Each day I would change a scene. Sometimes it would be something small and other times it would be something big. It got to the point that I had edited it so much that I didn't even get raped, I got away...and well that's probably why the rape never really bothered me per se, I had fooled myself into believing that it didn't really happened the way that it happened. Now the twins, that was something totally different, I couldn't edit that pain away.

I couldn't change the fact that so many people told me their dying was the best because I shouldn't have tried to keep the rapist baby. I couldn't edit out the look on my child's face as I held him in the palm of my hand as he died. I couldn't edit out the pain that I felt at having to go through most of the ordeal alone because I didn't know who would be bitten with the stupid bug. I couldn't edit scenes and I couldn't numb the pain or blink away the stupid people.

There are a lot of painful episodes in my life that I can't let go of because they are so fresh in my mind, it's like they just happened. So, I can't forgive, because I can't forget that you stood there and laughed at me and played that stupid Ebony and Ivory song at a time when I needed to be told that I was pretty, that Black was beautiful...anything BUT that I was black followed by the snickering and the playing of Stevie's song. I can't trust because I hear and replay all of the broken promises that were broken even before they left the lips of the people uttering them.


So, you can imagine that this can get tiresome. It was sorta like I had pain OCD because my mind would not constantly replay the good episodes, it was only the ones that caused my knees to buckle that my brain had on repeat. Maybe it was a defense mechanism...keeping the pain fresh in my mind so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. But it had the opposite effect; I typically fell into the same situation, scenario, relationship because I couldn't mentally edit the outcome. So, I had to try and physically alter the outcome by proving to myself that if placed in the almost exact situation again, I would come away with different results.

Well, you should know how that worked for me.

Yup, it got me a whole bunch of new painful episodes for my brain to replay.


So, I developed another way to deal with the issues of remembering so much: I stopped listening and participating. I only listen to half of what people tell me so when I go to process the info later on, I can't because it doesn't make sense. I only participate 50% in a relationship so I am very rarely forced to "show-up." How can I, I only remember half of what was said and half of that I have edited to fit my needs.

And while this new technique works to a certain degree, it does nothing for the syndicated programs that play daily in my head. How do I pull the plug on them? How do I turn them off. How do I let the real healing begin? Because I can't stop treating Jack Sprat like Jack Benimble if I am reliving my relationship with Jack every second of the day.


I wonder if I can't forget because I haven't forgiven or if I can't forgive because the images are so etched in my mind and heart.... I don't know. But I have started trying something new, because you know what they say....

I have started forgetting not so good events in my life as soon as they happen and you know what, I find that I don't have a need to forgive because I can't even remember actually why I was upset in the first place. I have also started giving most people the benefit of the doubt and not instantly believing they meant to cause me harm. This has also eliminated my need to forgive because if it wasn't done maliciously, there is no need to sweat it, so I just let it roll right off my back and on out the door.

No need to make a sitcom out of a doomed pilot.

"They tell us that we should forgive and forget, it is the Christian way. But how do you forgive if you can't forget the hurt and pain that were caused by the deed? How do you forget something that you are trying so hard not to forgive? I guess the real question would be: how do you progress forward when you steady holding on to what's behind you?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz i Surely Do (smooches)

Facing the Music

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard to admit that some notes are just out of your range...your reach.




That the harmony that you hear is only in your head and that the resonance of the actual dissonance of your life, can be heard by all even if it's ignored by you.




I say often, "I am unbreakable and that I was not made to be broken." But, I am not very committed to the statement, which is why I say it often to remind myself of the mere fact that it should be embedded in my heart.


I cannot measure my success by those around me, but I constantly do to keep from dealing with my overflowing plate of things that I have placed there. A lot of the things that I placed on my plate, I knew that I had no business partaking in... I saw the warning signs... I knew they would be bad for my health, but the curiosity got the best of me...and like the cat, darn near killed me.


I rely a lot on my own understanding and perspective of things even when I know it will be to my own detriment. I am afraid of commitment to the point that I even have a hard time committing to following out my obligations to God...it's probably why I haven't gone and raise my right held to commit to providing justice for all...


I look at my crew...you know they say birds of a feather flock together. Well, I have flocked with the best of them, but when it comes to soaring to the next level, to even greater heights or just completing that level, something always comes up that sidetracks me, blocks me, prevents, prohibits me from finalizing my course. I may make it to the next level BUT it's like I am always playing catchup because I am missing that extra piece you get at the end. Sorta like playing SuperMarioBros., skipping by certain levels with magic codes, BUT wishing you hadn't bypassed them because in the end you were missing out on your invincibility or your extra men.


So, this past week, I had surgery on my foot. Had my bunion removed. Hoping that removing the excess pressure on my nerves, will stop the lost of sensation in my hands and feet. But, so far, it has happened more than ever. But, I guess, I should be happy that i will now have "pretty feet."


But anyway, being home with the kids in all this pain with no one of my picking near to help me, really made me look at my ways. Especially after the "blizzard" snowed us in and knocked out our power for hours and I didn't have a flashlight, a candle, nor a working phone. I realized that my secretive ways may one day get me in a situation that I cannot get out of. My next door neighbor kept offering to help me, and I kept refusing.


She one of them I ain't one to gossip and you ain't heard it from me BUT "so and so did and said and went here" types of neighbor and well, she means well BUT I know that Luv, like Homey, don't play that.


But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt lonely, that I didn't feel abandoned EVEN though I didn't really formally tell anyone that I was having surgery. I mean I told my aunts and my cousin because I needed them to assist me with getting my child to school and with me getting released from the hospital. So Jill Scott got my child to school and my aunt came and got me from recovery and wheeled me to my car. See, um, I figured since I had a HIGH tolerance for pain that I wouldn't really need much help, err support than that. Boy was I wrong.


When the numbness wore off, the pain grabbed hold of my entire body. When i tell you that I have never felt pain like that, I mean I would rather go deliver a 20 pound baby vaginally, naturally, than to feel that pain again. When I told people that I had actually taken 1600 mg worth of pain medicine and was still in pain, they were shocked. One because I don't do meds, especially pain meds. Two, 1600 mg is a lot of mg and after popping those two pills I was still favoring the fetal position.


I really underestimated how much assistance I really was going to need. I mean I was told that I was going to get a cane and walked out with crutches. I have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my door. Now add crutches to that equation while trying to keep track of a mischievous 6 year old and a super active 2 year old. These last couple of days have been hecka hard. Good thing I am really cool with at least one of my neighbors. She let us chill at her place and benefit from her candles when the lights went out so we wouldn't be down at my place in total darkness.

It was while I was down there chit-chatting with the ladies that it dawned on me that I had bought into the "i am strong and can handle anything" mentality. I cannot do it alone. Not now with two emotional children and only one good foot. And not never. I cannot seek that which I am also hiding from.


So for the last couple of postings, I have been fighting myself. My thoughts have been muddled. My vision has been hazy. I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision. Was I going to self-destruct by causing Safeway pain, undermining all of my emotional growth? Was I going to continue fighting/being resistant against change. Was I going to continue to do things the way I was accustomed?


After pondering the situation and discussing it with those whose opinions I value, I decided to tell Safeway that he was in danger. Great emotional danger. I am sure that it hurt him knowing that while he was trying to be more "genuine" (his words) with me that I was plotting to destroy his emotional psyche'. I also told him that I lied to him about not commenting on his humping buddy's blog. I told him that I did not trust him any more and that I thought he was a liar. When he asked me if I hated him...if I was mad with him... I laughed. He really did not and does not matter any more. Because with each passing day, something else is reveal to me that shows me that God truly knows what is best for me and right now and maybe not ever, Safeway ain't it.

I have made a lot of progress and sometimes it seems as if I have to take 4 steps back just to move 1/2 step, and it bothered me. But now, I am okay with it. My progress cannot be measured by the distance I have traveled but it can be measured by the width and the ease of my smile. I know that I am afraid of what I have to do in order for me to get better, to feel better, BUT that doesn't mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. At first, I thought that I could just renovate and make adjustments by tearing out a wall here and there...when that didn't work, I began excavating, reasoning that the outer core and the foundation could be salvaged....Now, I am realizing that I am going to have to send a wrecking ball in, knock the entire thing down and start anew.

Starting over from scratch is never easy...I mean think about all the time, money, memories, etc. invested in the old. Those are things I will never be able to get back. But looking at the return I am destined to receive once my life is properly built is enough for me to say a prayer and give the signal to let the ball swing.

"I cannot crave companionship and only welcome isolation. I cannot crave closeness and shun intimacy. I cannot strive for success and be afraid of failure. I cannot demand understanding and only hear what I want to hear. I cannot expect perfection from imperfect people. I cannot continue to forgive without also trying to forget. I cannot continue loving with stipulations and expecting to find true love."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate STAT..so my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Musing to Myself

What is your deepest fear, besides fear?

How is it that a four letter word has so much power over you?

It's funny that things that would scare the bejeezbees out of most people, you tackle with ease.

So much progress has been made...

ON THE SURFACE.

However, not much has been made underneath. Underneath you still are cautious of what you say and who you say it to. You still guard your intimate thoughts from those surrounding you. You still let things fester and boil until they explode once you can't take any more.

They say one will continue revisiting a certain trial until the lesson is learned. So what lesson is it that you are missing with Safeway? Why is he still lurking around your door?

Why is it that you are constantly battling with the person you used to be and the person you want to be? You were not happy with the old you because it was so different from the previous you and so far off the mark of the you, you wanted to become....but what now....what's stopping you?

I think it's the fear of being hurt. The fear of failure, of missing the mark. The fear of being misinterpreted and misunderstood. The fear of being totally exposed. The fear of letting myself down again.

I crave love, like the flowers crave rain. I have been searching for it for what seems like my entire life. I remember that I always hooked up with dudes less than because well, I never really had any reasons to expect for it to last and therefore was never shocked when it ended. I always looked for the bad boys, the outcasts, the misfits...the one time I took a chance on a NICE GUY well look how it ended. I let him in...all the way in...I loved him more than I knew I was capable of loving....I changed for him, for me because I wanted to keep him, wanted to make him happy...I wanted to be happy. And it turns out that it's true, your family and love ones can hurt you worse than anybody else.

I am still confused about why he did the things that he did...when we are together, it still feels so magical, so cinderella-ish. But, I am not searching for answers, I am searching for ways to pay him back, to hand him his heart on a platter, to break him down and make him live the life of never trusting another soul, of never wanting anyone else to get close to him. I am looking to give Karma a ride on my back.

The old me is rejoicing and is plotting and planning. The me in progress is not so thrilled. She just wants some clarity on the situation. She wants to know why he is so concerned all of a sudden...so attentive...so like he was when we first met. She wants to know what he gains from collecting broken hearts. From hurting her, me, them other girls.

Why am I so afraid to be loved...to let someone else in...I mean there is a 50/50 chance it will go well and a 50/50 chance that history will repeat itself. Why am I so resistant to change and personal growth when it is on somebody else's time-table and not by my watch?

I mean being in this rut these past 10 years has not gotten me anywhere. I have very lil to show for it but what I do have to show for it, speaks volumes to my character, to my resilience, to my determination to keep trying until my visions are tangible.

But, I still feel like I am that little hamster on the metal-wheel-around thinking I am gaining on something when I really am rotating around the same madness.

"Life lessons shape us, mode us, and form us into better than before people, when we step past the fear and allow life to do it's thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine

*******WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG EVEN FOR ME AND IT IS GONNA BE KINDA MUDDLED AT TIMES, BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT SO THAT I CAN SORT IT OUT (MAYBE)********


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.


My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a motha...so he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.


But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?


"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

My Guy

So it's becoming apparently obvious that it must be destined for me to get with a BIG guy because as of late a lot of really, really, big guys have been approaching me.

Now don't get me wrong, if that's what you like then I love it, for you. NOT ME, but for you? I mean have you seen me? Okay, some of you all haven't seen me, but for those of you that have, you know that me with a 6'3" 320 lb man is NOT a good look for me. I mean we won't be looking like a ten but people will be looking at us wondering how my lungs were holding up. I mean really, I have dated people heavier than me...Dirty was heavier than me and when he used to hug me or snuggle with me, it was like he was squeezing the life out of me.

I mean I remember on many occasions screaming, "get off me, I can't breathe." That's when I took to changing his diet. I wasn't trying to die from suffocation of a lover. "How did she die?" "I hugged her."

So today I went to the doctor's to get more test ran..I am sure my insurance is loving me. And there's this dude that has made it clear that he is really into me and well, I won't lie, I adore the attention, BUT not him. I mean the attraction level is zero partly because our bodies are not compatible. I am thick as I was told by several cuties today, but I ain't as thick as I would need to be to be able to deal with the likes of him. I mean he leaned on me and it felt like my ribs were cracking. Now don't get me wrong, he ain't sloppy looking and he ain't obese BUT he is too big for me. It would be like the old Monique getting with Snoop...she too big for him.

But just dealing with this guy on the limited basis that I do, has prompted me to think about what qualities and features do I want in my guy. And well I am really not sure. I thought I wanted an expressive guy, but this dude is always about to cry when he talking to me and telling me about how he so into me but his life ain't quite right. And I really want to tell him sometimes to MAN THE HECK UP, I mean I might get him a MAN DOWN shirt. So, I am going to list the qualities that I think I want in a guy and revisit this when I have more time to really process what I need from a guy and not just what I want.

What I need from him is:

Understanding, it's so simple as 1, 2, 3 (I couldn't resist)

But seriously, I need: Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Love, Support, Tender Affection, Commitment, Good Sex (all sex is not good), Protection/Security, Friendship, Stability, Openness, Leadership

"As we grow and mature, we understand that what we want should not outweigh what we need."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ps: Thursday Therapy is coming, I just didn't want to post it before the Quack was finished reading what he was supposed to be reading because I don't really want him to read my take on this session.

What's A Gurl To Do?

I mean really? Do I continue being cordial with you because you are now concerned about me because I am sick? I mean really what do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to continue being nice and forget about the hell you have recently put me through? Did you think I was lying when I said that I was more your friend than you were mine? I mean really what's a girl to do when nothing I held sacred was sacred to you?

So you think I may be crushing on CQP or he on me...now that's funny cuz I think he carries fairy dust and he thinks that I am a prime candidate for Saint E.

I mean how do I get pass the fact that I no longer trust anything you say or do? That my heart has moved on from you. Three years of pining and chasing after you...I have wasted so much time and well the rest may not even be mine to choose, but even if I could, why would I choose to spend it with you?

It's funny because we have had some really OPEN convos...convos that have amazed you...what you say, that you haven't heard me this calm and emotion free in a long time? I had to chuckle when you said this because everyone sees a different me...

I have been holding on to this hate for so long and now that I have finally decided to let this hatred go and live my life, everyone is taking notice. It's funny how many dudes are seriously trying to approach me. It's even funnier that I no longer care about how rejection is going to sound to their ears. I am shutting them down at hello and letting them know that I am working on me. I am dating me. I am seeing me and no, I do not have the time, space, nor the energy to deal with them.

But what about you? How should I proceed...I'm not really sure BUT I have been sitting still a lot lately listening to my soul and, well seeing that I no longer get butterflies when I talk to you and no longer have to change ; -), I think it's high time for me to excuse you from the table.

You are dismissed. You are the weakest link....Bye Bye

"Doesn't it feel good to be loved by me...Luv?"

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be loved...in theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it official...do they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never fails...so why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.

Why?

Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' pain...it keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

The Answers I Seek....

Are not in a fortune cookie.

Nor in a tarot card.

It's not inscribed in the palm of my hand.

Or written on my forehead.

For the answers I seek, I already know and have for some time now.

Knowledge has never been my problem. I have and will continue to read and pick the brains of those before me. Knowledge I have an abundance of...... So what pray tell is my problem?

APPLICATION.

What good is the knowledge if you won't apply it?!?!

So when I asked him if he loved her and he hesitated and said, "No." I already knew that he didn't but he was quickly falling. So when I asked him if he was still in love with me and he hesitated and said, "I don't know." I already knew that he was but that he had been slowly falling out when he stopped calling.

I've known what it took to be a "good" Christian all of my life but it took some 15 years for me to get it right.

I've known for some time what I needed to do to turn my life upside right and well I have hemmed and hawed and hawed and hemmed until I was blue in the face.

Today I mused about a lot of things I have been avoiding by searching for it's answer when deep down I knew I already knew the answer...I just didn't want to deal with the solution because it made me uncomfortable or afraid. The answer would force me to alter the way I had been doing things for the last decade, and in some cases longer.

Today I had a chat with a fella who I guess is crushing on me. He stated that he did not want to pursue anything with anyone right now because he is not the man that he wants to be (sounds familiar??); he said that he is still trying to heal himself: emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; he states he needs to do this in order to be the man his woman would want and need him to be.

And I had to stifle back a laugh. Not because what he said was funny but because what he said had exposed me. And it forced me to acknowledge the fact that I already knew: That Luv needed to fully love herself and get herself together before she would be able to be the woman her man would need her to be and until that time I would keep attracting men that were willing to try to love me but couldn't fully love me because they had not reconciled their issues yet.

The fella went on to say that if he attempted to try and start anything with me or anyone else that it would all be a lie because he knew he didn't have his stuff together and he would be fronting like he did to woo me.

I remember early on in mine in Safeway's actual relationship, pondering whether we were attracted to each other because we both thought we were ready for love and on the surface we were but deep down we were not. I remember thinking: If this is the real deal, you need to address some things before they blow up. Fast forward 3 years later and you got a Kaboom and a Kabam.

The same with my health, I knew that I had been neglecting myself and that there were certain things that I needed to do and stop doing and well now look at me, I am turning into the tinman.

I know that I can't expect people to love me if I do not love myself and proof that I love myself is by taking care of me: the emotional, spiritual, and physical me.

Evidence of my application: It's taking me 10 years but I finally talk things out with a semi-professional (hi CQP), it's taking me um I don't know how long, but I am resolved to let God guide my steps, and I have decided to cut out pork and beef and baking soda from my diet (shut up mcfly).

Results: Hmph, you will just have to try it for yourself to understand my new swag.

"Some answers we seek we will never find until we stop to look within. Knowledge is only power if we use it. Applying what we learn or what we know often times may be hard, it may hurt, or break someone's heart, but in the end, application is what separates the boys from the men...or in my case the girls from the grown women."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)