Same Ole Stuff...Just A Different Day

Today I am grateful because I am moving out of my fog and though it pains me to accepts the things that I have to come to terms with, I know that HE loves me.

I feel like I'm Here  should be on repeat because I am truly moving into my season of living despite all the blows that I have taken on my chin, to the side of my head and in my gut.

I have been spending my days cyber-lurking these last couple of days trying to piece together how he died was killed and one thing is for sure, he was doing the SAME thing now at 41 that he was doing when I was 17: running game, lying, and spreading his seed.  Nothing like a family reunion of BMs on the Book to make you count your blessings.  Like I could have been one of them engaging in the following convo:

Me: Hey yall

BM2: Who you?

Me:  I'm Luv Lil Raeraeandthem Mama

BM3:  How old is yo child?

BM4:  Yes how old is yo child?

Me:   24

BM2-4:  Mine too.

And it is definitely true that when you know better that you do better and that with age should come wisdom and maturity not to do the things you did as a child...it's just sooooo sad when those that you love and used to kick it with and ride with and fo', don't get the memo.  When you get a glimpse of someone's life and they still doing the same thing with no progression.  Just sad.

Oh trust, I know all about being trapped in a moment in time and I thank Jah for releasing me from the grips of depression and allowing me to find a reason to push through the pain and for the drive to always want better for myself so I could do better by those coming behind me.

Hearing folks talk about Teddy and the grief he is giving the Marys reminds me of how I longed for him to love me.  To want me.  To validate me.  To light something inside of me that would give me the courage to stand when he was with his crew instead of cower under cars and sliding into lockers.  How I thought he was the greatest thing next to a Mr. Goodbar and and...

How this fool can't even keep it in his pants while being married to a well known gospel singer, so glad that isn't my reality playing out on the tube. 

I saw my HIM the other day.  Y'all remember good ole let me move your car so you won't have that far to walk when you get off late.  Mr. let me write poems and songs for and about you all the while I spread evil lies bout you, HIM.   Well he looks like life hasn't been too kind to him.  And being the aspiring rapper that he is, I am sure he has heard the line about Karma.

And every time I think about my lil Michael Jackson and his 15 or is it 17 kids, I just nearly faint.  Even though I hope that I am still the Golden Child, I can't fathom why I had a knack for picking the guys who like to procreate. 

Some of these dudes, made me bitter.  Made me hate all men.  Made me doubt myself.   Caused me a lot of pain.

But honey, when I take inventory of how much worse it could had been had God not stepped in and said No ~ Not right now and not ever, I can't help but say thank you Jah for not allowing me to take that bullet head on.  Thanks for allowing it to only pierce my armor slightly before having it deflect off.

That could have been my life!!!  So glad that it's not.

There is a blessing and a lesson in the word and sentence "No."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches



Dopeboy Blessings

It's funny how things that are out of place are either falling into place or out of my life. I am in a really good place right now. I am in motion. I am focusing. I am discussing. I am releasing. I am living. But most importantly, I am accepting and I am changing.


Each day I am accepting who I am: the good, the bad, the ugly. And boy let me tell you there is a lot of bad and ugly up in here, but can you blame me? But, there is a sprinkle of good which has done wonders for me and others.

I often focus on the negative and not the positive because it just seems like there is so much of it, it overshadows, covers, smothers the goodness. Today, I choose to focus on my blessings.

So, as many of you know I am on crutches and have to contend with Chucky and Chucky's Bride. It has been really hard for me to get around because 1. My car won't start because the battery is dead and I am blocked in by the snow 2. I am not brave enough to do public transportation with Chucky's Bride while hopping, sliding on crutches.


Well, I have been receiving blessings on top of blessings this week, right when I needed them. So, as I stated, my car battery died on me because my car has been sitting for a week. So do you know the store manager from AutoZone came over, unhooked my battery, carried it back tot the store and charged it up so that I could at least start my car up if I ever got myself dug out. Then the other day when I needed to get to the hospital and it appeared as if every cab in the District was either already on a job or broken, a city worker offered to give me a ride to the hospital free of charge. What a blessing because Mama didn't really have roundtrip cabfare.

So today when the neighborhood dope boy came to shovel my car out (yeah I paid him, but that's a different story) and caught me when I was falling on the ice, I had to chuckle. Now when dope boy had another dope boy come and swoop us to take me to get them monsters so I wouldn't be late getting them, I couldn't help but smile. I mean it must pay to be genuine because I have always kept my foot up dope boy #1's butt, trying to push him to realize what he could get out of life if he just worked for it. Now I will say that I was more than concerned when we got pulled over by the Po-Pos, but even that was uneventful. I mean they were more concerned with making Chucky's Bride happy than with searching the vehicle. Cause lawd only knows what these jokers may have had in that car, but I don't think DB1 would roll like that with me in the car because I am kinda like his L7 big sister.

So I managed to buy another battery and guess who put it in...You guessed it: Autozone's Store manager and when I went to retrieve my key from the store's safe, another manager was like "you must be a special person, you must be a really nice person...it seems like you get a lot of people to go out of their way for you." And you know what, he's absolutely, without a doubt, right.

I am special and I do go out of my way for people. So even though everyone else seemed astounded at the sight of the neighborhood pushers clearing the snow from around my car and helping me to and fro across the ice, I knew I was just getting back what I had put out there.


"Luv thy neighbor as thyself cuz you never know when you gonna need that crackhead, that prostitute, that old bathrobe wearing lady, or that person of a different hue that you don't like to bestow God's blessings upon you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)