No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Protecting My Queen

Lol, so everything is changing, yet everything is staying the same.  I guess this new layout is a bit more cleaner....i have heavier things to muse about so I will let the small stuff be just that ~ small.

I hate playing games, even when I am good at them.  And right now it feels like I am in a game, one that I have played before.  Different hand, same moves.  I am confused because I know that this is probably the final test before the ultimate breakthrough.  Do I sacrifice everything to save the Queen?  Do I go down fighting and lose it all?

I loved him.  I cannot deny it.  It shows when his number appears in my caller i.d.  It shows when he looks at me and smiles.  It shows when he calls my name.  It just shows which is why I don't play poker.  I still have feelings for him or my heart wouldn't get that twinge of pain every times he mentions one of his follies names.

I don't know what I want from him.  I don't know what I want for him.  I don't know why we are back at this place in this space walking around the giant elephant.  Too much has happened.  Too much time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds, but the truth of the matter is that love covers all and time just gives us the space to realize this.

I need to free him so he can let me be because when a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them.  He has showed me that he will leave me in my darkest hour.  What more is there to see?  True people change, but only when they see fit to do so.  Is he there....the million dollar question.

I know what I want.  I also know what I need.  He is a nice combination of both, so it seems.  My heart calls out to him, followed by my body.  My mind, yeah my mind is telling me to pull up the draw bridge and to blow up the Trojan Horse.

Why is it that we cannot walk away from the derailing train?  Why do we have to go down with it?  Even knowing days are numbered I still stick around hoping to turn the tables and to capture his Queen with my Knight.  It's a shame that instead of offending I risk the chance of being subjected to serious pain in the very near future.

"Things are changing and have changed but some things remain the same because we protect it instead of sacrificing the little thing to save the thing that holds the most value."


~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."


When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."


"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......

From Strip Tease to Butterball...

Yup, Butterball Naked.. cuz I'm so Juicy I can't stand myself...(lol)

So you asked a question...and well you've asked this question a time or two before...I'm starting to think you are on to me...either that or you don't like my answers...hmm, either way I am gonna answer this question for the last time.

That's right, I'm gonna stop flashing you and disrobe already.

I know it shouldn't matter...that you shouldn't matter...but it does and you do. Not really in the grand scheme of things but for right now...in this here moment...it's critical that I see things as they are and not as they should I want them to be.

I know that my perception has been tainted and my heart has been harden. I know the spectacles I peer out of have been smudged by the filth I have encounter throughout my short life. I know that my experience is not common nor is it extraordinary. I know that I am like a faucet: hot and cold....but with the right mixture I can be warm. I can be balanced. I can find that middle ground that allows me to still love while being guarded enough to protect myself from those scumbags that are lurking, lying in wait, hoping, praying that I slip up...that I forget what dangers are out there waiting to devour me.

The problem with viewing the world through dirty glasses is that everything you look at becomes distorted...even you.

So when I looked in the mirror, a lot of what I saw wasn't really there shouldn't have been there. But because of where I had been, what I had been through, what I had seen, heard, felt...it was there...and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was hard to take in, so much so that I stopped looking. I covered mirrors, I avoided looking into anything that would show my reflection...it got to a point that I just walked with my head hung low or my eyes diverted downward...found a lot of loose change this way and also made friends with others in the same predicament.

The thing about hanging out with people who think and see things the way you do when you are down and out is this: advancement out of your rut is almost impossible. Everyone is just as disillusioned as you are.

So it matters because in my mind, you have on rosy colored glasses. You see things as half full (it really doesn't matter) and think every situation can potentially be a good situation. So, if you saw me the way that I initially saw myself then that would have been a devastating blow to my blueprint of advancement...to my growth...and yes, to my ego. (cuz I got a big ego)

If you thought I was ugly, worthless, a bad parent or unlovable I don't think I would have proceeded with my journey or tried as hard as I did to make great strides. I was counting on you to show me my true colors...to wipe away all the semi-permanent debris that had attached itself to my lens.

I was counting on you to tell me that my light was out and not only suggest that I turn it back on but for you to make me turn it to highbeams. (I shouldda did my background check in the beginning and not on the tail end...that would have saved me a whole lot of waiting and counting on)

So to put it plainly: I wanted to see the me that you saw because the visions stored in my head had to go, so what you thought, what you saw and what you said, mattered a great deal

"Birds of a feather flock together, just be careful that you aren't an eagle flying with pigeons."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.


I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me uneasy...got me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.


I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am able...now I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

But I don't know how.


I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:


how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Slow Down & Live

Stop the races.

Throw out the schedules.

Walk, don't run....

Inhale...(that's breathe in) and Exhale (you got it, breathe out)

Now Pause, and do the 'Gangsta Clap' ( am I the only grown folk who gets really happy when they get to 'gangsta clap' with a large group of people?)

But seriously, lately I have been feeling like I am so over-booked, over-worked, over-scheduled, and oh so, over-my-head in/with everything. And typically when I start to feel this way, panic takes over. I become frantic and start doing things just to check them off my list. For example, I may need to wash 8 loads of clothes (on a good day) and in frantic mode I would just throw them in the washer and dryer without sorting or taking out the hang-to-dry and then well, you know what happens: colors bleed together and clothes shrink and now I am more frantic and upset than when I started cuz I have ruined clothes that I didn't have to ruin.

I have been feeling rushed. My child is in summer school so I have to get up in the morning drop Chucky's Bride off at daycare, take Chucky to one school to get breakfast then take Chucky to his school for summer school, go to work, leave work, pick up Chucky, race him to camp, race back to park my car, race for the train so that I can race back to work, once back at work, race to play catch up with any work, then leave work, race to get Chucky's Bride and then to get Chucky, then race to football practice, then race to make dinner, then race to sleep...and then I get up and race through it all over again.

Can you say TIRED? That's probably an understatement.

So, I have been in a funk probably since summer school has started because I do not like being late. And, I do not like having my day interrupted in the middle. And, I do not like feeling rushed.

And well, I don't like being in funks.. well, not as of late, so I decided to do something about it. I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. (no, i am not crazy)

I was like chile, why are you running around with this attitude and so mad at Chucky..what's done is done. It's not like you are not going to take him to summer school. And it's not like you are not going to take him to camp. So, why are you fussing about it. It has to be done and you doing it. You can't help it if you get him to camp late, he already late, camp starts at 8, what you rushing for. You can't help it if you get back to work late, you get an hour, it takes you an hour fifteen to an hour twenty to get back...oh well, it ain't like you just out shooting the bobo..how many times have you stayed late and not billed for it? Stop sweating this small stuff and release.

And that's what I did... I released the fear, the anxiety, the frustration and the anger. I released everything that I could not control and controlled the one thing that I could and well, I haven't been feeling so rushed or funky as of late.

"In Life, there isn't much that I can control, BUT I can Always control the way I respond/react to a situation which will ultimately determine how that situation/experience affects my Life....Seems like Life has everyone in a rat race, with everyone rushing toward the end. Last time I checked, the End promised to everyone was Death, no need for me to be in a hurry to get to that, so I am gonna slow down, and live."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

warning I may double post cuz i have been headblogging for a couple of days...

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Staying in the Moment

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'



I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.


I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?


I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.


I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.


I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.


I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.


"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Bare, Naked Truth

Being vulnerable isn't one of my strong points.


If I could have any super power that I wanted, I think I would ask for invincibility just so that I would never have to be vulnerable...EVER AGAIN!


I didn't always used to be this way...I didn't, you can ask my ICE. He just said to me the other day:

"What happened...you weren't always like this...I just don't understand."

Yes, I used to be sure about my decisions and about myself and about my value. I used to have haters galore.


It happened 10 years ago this time. Them babies. That entire ordeal. It just took everything good that I had left in me. It killed my spirit. It shattered my already broken foundation. It altered my reality...it damaged me beyond compare.

It is what it is. I do not try and make excuses for it. I do not try and burden people with my sorrow or my problems. I do not try and let people know how badly I am really hurting. But I will try and explain the method to my madness and rehash why that was the straw that broke Luv's back.

Yes, I had a horrific childhood. I know this and I had accepted this BUT what I didn't accept at the time was that I was unworthy of being loved and incapable of giving and receiving it. I had determined that my parents were too screwed up to effectively love anything else because they didn't even love themselves. I had determined this at the age of 7.

I don't drink because I don't think I would stop because quiet as it is kept, my father is/was an alcoholic. Not too sure what he is now because I ain't checking for him. I know the power of genetics. I know how much environment over nature can influence a person. I understood the dynamics of this probably by the age of 8.


I say all of this to say that I was very skilled at identifying the situations around me for what they were, processing them, and discarding them in such a fashion that they did not damage me...did not take away from my emotional cup.


I remember almost everything about my childhood, but this one incident stands out to me because it has always puzzled me why I held on to this memory...why it bothered me so. I was in first grade. My mother and father were going through one of their violent spells. My father tried to smash my mother's head in. My mother left. She eventually came back to get us. We were hiding out in my aunt's apartment. I remember that on most occasions that someone else would come pick us up from school because I don't think my mother wanted to chance meeting up with my father and they got to humbugging out in front of the school. But on this particular occasion, she got us herself. I remember we stopped at this grocery store where we ran into my 1st grade teacher. I remember my mother feeling some kinda way about running into my teacher. I don't know if it was because she was white or if it was because we stated we were going home and she made mention that she thought we lived elsewhere. I remember Ms. Lovely looking at my mother and patting her and telling her that if she needed anything...any type of assistance to just let her know. I remember my mother mumbling as we were getting into the car that we couldn't stop at that grocery any more on the way from school.


I think in that instance I learned that no matter what, you never let anyone know how bad it really is.


Fast forward: So, up until the incident with my twins, I had seen and learned a lot of dysfunction; but, I was able to insulate myself from its brunt force by believing that I could rise above the madness. That I could escape, scratchfree. I believed that once I got away from my parents and that environment that I would be okay. That people would instantly love me. That I would prove that I could and would be different. That I would love myself. (and I did) And most importantly that I would love my kids...but the powers that be were telling me that I wouldn't be able to have kids...so, I would just adopt...no need or time to cry about something I couldn't control I needed to keep that forward momentum.

I allowed this dude who I knew was sweet on me to come visit. He had been sweet on me for a long minute. When I was 16, I used to feel him undress me with his eyes. He was like 29. He didn't phase me, I was going to marry Michael Jordan. I had no time for little people. So, anyways, this dude had caught up with me on one of my many trips home and asked if he could stay with me if he came to visit the nation's capital. Yeah, why not? I had had plenty of dudes stay with me and nothing happen. There was no need for alarm, right? Plus, I wasn't 16 any more. I wish I could say that I didn't have any reservations, but I did. So much so that it prompted me to call this dude and ask what his intentions were, explaining that if he thought he was gonna get some, he should cancel his tix could he was gonna be severely disappointed. I told him that I didn't like him like that and that I was a virgin, saving it for my husband(I had been celibate for 2 1/2 years but he didn't need to know that). So he comes and the first night everything is cool. The second night he rapes me. I confide in some people and then try to push on. I didn't want people worrying about me and I partly blamed myself. I had doubts, I should have told him he couldn't come. Yes, no means no, but still....


Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with twins. I was soooooooooooooo excited. I charted and plotted everything about them. I was so in love. My pregnancy was very difficult. I found out that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world disguising themselves as intelligent people. While I was fighting for my babies lives, there were people praying that I would lose them since I wouldn't abort them because I must be out of my mind to want to have a rapist baby. (Funny, cuz I only looked at them as being MY BABIES) See, them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could love. Them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could be loved. Them babies were my chance to start my own family and break the cycle. To show that God hadn't forgotten about me and that He would allow some sunshine to shine on me...when them babies died it was like someone had turned out the lights.


When my babies died, I was lost. I didn't know what to hold on to as truth. I knew God could not try me with anything evil because HE is pure. But, I couldn't figure out why He allowed me to go through something so awful after all I had been through in life. I couldn't understand why He thought I could go through something so heinous, and all alone. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted to hurt me, when all I wanted out of life was to be happy. To love and to be loved. I couldn't understand why I was constantly turning the other cheek just to be crapped on again and again. So, as the days turned into months, I stopped talking to people. I just wanted to be left alone. If I was by myself, the only one who could treat me badly would be me. And being alone all the time, I started allowing the negativity that had been chasing me for so long to catch up with me. Then I stared listening to it, digesting it, and before long, I was believing and living it.


See, it's hard to make a person understand what I was before because a lot of them only can see what's in front of them. I am just a fraction of what I used to be. I mean, I was so fierce, I used to hate on myself. (smile) I used to travel on a shoestring budget. I used to give gifts straight from the heart. I used to have fun and really lived the mantra that what you thought of me was none of my business. I used to do so many things and I still can, and I will, it's just..

I see the way you look at me, I see the pity in your eyes, you feel sorry for me...for what? my story is not that different from someone else. We all go through our trials and tribulations. We all have to carry our own torture stake. I can't take your help because it comes with strings attached. I can't take your help because you don't really see me. You see this shell of me that stands before you, you don't see the me I used to be or the me that I am going to be. You don't see that you have yet to make me feel human, to make me feel connected.


I am vulnerable with my Ice because he knows my story. He does not pity me. He does not patronize me. He gives it to me straight, no chaser. He has seen what I can do. He believes in me. He loves me. He connects with me, letting me know he knows I am human.


"It's something about the human touch that can make a person feel safe, it's something about a smile that can lift the heaviest of spirits, it's something about tears that can cleanse the soul, it's something about letting go that will push us into the future."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)


Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.


So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...


Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.


My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the Bar...um a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were there...it does matter.


My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.


I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.


It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.


With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......


Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.


The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Facing the Music

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard to admit that some notes are just out of your range...your reach.




That the harmony that you hear is only in your head and that the resonance of the actual dissonance of your life, can be heard by all even if it's ignored by you.




I say often, "I am unbreakable and that I was not made to be broken." But, I am not very committed to the statement, which is why I say it often to remind myself of the mere fact that it should be embedded in my heart.


I cannot measure my success by those around me, but I constantly do to keep from dealing with my overflowing plate of things that I have placed there. A lot of the things that I placed on my plate, I knew that I had no business partaking in... I saw the warning signs... I knew they would be bad for my health, but the curiosity got the best of me...and like the cat, darn near killed me.


I rely a lot on my own understanding and perspective of things even when I know it will be to my own detriment. I am afraid of commitment to the point that I even have a hard time committing to following out my obligations to God...it's probably why I haven't gone and raise my right held to commit to providing justice for all...


I look at my crew...you know they say birds of a feather flock together. Well, I have flocked with the best of them, but when it comes to soaring to the next level, to even greater heights or just completing that level, something always comes up that sidetracks me, blocks me, prevents, prohibits me from finalizing my course. I may make it to the next level BUT it's like I am always playing catchup because I am missing that extra piece you get at the end. Sorta like playing SuperMarioBros., skipping by certain levels with magic codes, BUT wishing you hadn't bypassed them because in the end you were missing out on your invincibility or your extra men.


So, this past week, I had surgery on my foot. Had my bunion removed. Hoping that removing the excess pressure on my nerves, will stop the lost of sensation in my hands and feet. But, so far, it has happened more than ever. But, I guess, I should be happy that i will now have "pretty feet."


But anyway, being home with the kids in all this pain with no one of my picking near to help me, really made me look at my ways. Especially after the "blizzard" snowed us in and knocked out our power for hours and I didn't have a flashlight, a candle, nor a working phone. I realized that my secretive ways may one day get me in a situation that I cannot get out of. My next door neighbor kept offering to help me, and I kept refusing.


She one of them I ain't one to gossip and you ain't heard it from me BUT "so and so did and said and went here" types of neighbor and well, she means well BUT I know that Luv, like Homey, don't play that.


But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt lonely, that I didn't feel abandoned EVEN though I didn't really formally tell anyone that I was having surgery. I mean I told my aunts and my cousin because I needed them to assist me with getting my child to school and with me getting released from the hospital. So Jill Scott got my child to school and my aunt came and got me from recovery and wheeled me to my car. See, um, I figured since I had a HIGH tolerance for pain that I wouldn't really need much help, err support than that. Boy was I wrong.


When the numbness wore off, the pain grabbed hold of my entire body. When i tell you that I have never felt pain like that, I mean I would rather go deliver a 20 pound baby vaginally, naturally, than to feel that pain again. When I told people that I had actually taken 1600 mg worth of pain medicine and was still in pain, they were shocked. One because I don't do meds, especially pain meds. Two, 1600 mg is a lot of mg and after popping those two pills I was still favoring the fetal position.


I really underestimated how much assistance I really was going to need. I mean I was told that I was going to get a cane and walked out with crutches. I have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my door. Now add crutches to that equation while trying to keep track of a mischievous 6 year old and a super active 2 year old. These last couple of days have been hecka hard. Good thing I am really cool with at least one of my neighbors. She let us chill at her place and benefit from her candles when the lights went out so we wouldn't be down at my place in total darkness.

It was while I was down there chit-chatting with the ladies that it dawned on me that I had bought into the "i am strong and can handle anything" mentality. I cannot do it alone. Not now with two emotional children and only one good foot. And not never. I cannot seek that which I am also hiding from.


So for the last couple of postings, I have been fighting myself. My thoughts have been muddled. My vision has been hazy. I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision. Was I going to self-destruct by causing Safeway pain, undermining all of my emotional growth? Was I going to continue fighting/being resistant against change. Was I going to continue to do things the way I was accustomed?


After pondering the situation and discussing it with those whose opinions I value, I decided to tell Safeway that he was in danger. Great emotional danger. I am sure that it hurt him knowing that while he was trying to be more "genuine" (his words) with me that I was plotting to destroy his emotional psyche'. I also told him that I lied to him about not commenting on his humping buddy's blog. I told him that I did not trust him any more and that I thought he was a liar. When he asked me if I hated him...if I was mad with him... I laughed. He really did not and does not matter any more. Because with each passing day, something else is reveal to me that shows me that God truly knows what is best for me and right now and maybe not ever, Safeway ain't it.

I have made a lot of progress and sometimes it seems as if I have to take 4 steps back just to move 1/2 step, and it bothered me. But now, I am okay with it. My progress cannot be measured by the distance I have traveled but it can be measured by the width and the ease of my smile. I know that I am afraid of what I have to do in order for me to get better, to feel better, BUT that doesn't mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. At first, I thought that I could just renovate and make adjustments by tearing out a wall here and there...when that didn't work, I began excavating, reasoning that the outer core and the foundation could be salvaged....Now, I am realizing that I am going to have to send a wrecking ball in, knock the entire thing down and start anew.

Starting over from scratch is never easy...I mean think about all the time, money, memories, etc. invested in the old. Those are things I will never be able to get back. But looking at the return I am destined to receive once my life is properly built is enough for me to say a prayer and give the signal to let the ball swing.

"I cannot crave companionship and only welcome isolation. I cannot crave closeness and shun intimacy. I cannot strive for success and be afraid of failure. I cannot demand understanding and only hear what I want to hear. I cannot expect perfection from imperfect people. I cannot continue to forgive without also trying to forget. I cannot continue loving with stipulations and expecting to find true love."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine

*******WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG EVEN FOR ME AND IT IS GONNA BE KINDA MUDDLED AT TIMES, BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT SO THAT I CAN SORT IT OUT (MAYBE)********


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.


My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a motha...so he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.


But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?


"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

If You Happy and You Know It

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, do the hoooooooooootdog. Let's do the hotdog again! I like that part, something about putting my hands on my hip and swerving my hips that perks me right up.



Things have been pretty hectic around these parts. Things are coming at me from all angles. It's like someone's thrown me in the ring with Iron Mike, I'm over here ducking, bobbing, and weaving, trying to get away from him, cuz if he hit me, I am sure Imma here Chris Tucker in my ear. And Mike looks hungry, he ain't going for an ear, he going for my sides.



But, I am still managing to smile. Actually, I am smiling a lot lately and it feels good. I feel so free.



I mean don't get me wrong, there are some days where I want to climb back in bed, pull the covers over my head and ask for a Do-OVER. But when I put things in perspective, whatever I am going through right now fails/pales in comparisons to what I have already come through. It's like already going through a tornado and then getting caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella.



I am learning that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of the situation. And, I am actively choosing to find something everyday to smile about ~ even if it's just laughing at myself. But trust, as long as I got Chucky and Chucky's Bride in here acting like Tom and Jerry, I will always have something to laugh or smile about.



The more I sit on my hands still and let God direct my steps, the more at peace I am becoming. The more willing I am to stop and smell the roses and take it all in. Each day feels like a brand new day instead of one long low-budget movie.

"Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to live in the moment--to enjoy what's right in front of us. Sometimes we miss out on happiness because we are so busy looking for it. Smile, enjoy life, it's the only one you've got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches!!)

What's A Gurl To Do?

I mean really? Do I continue being cordial with you because you are now concerned about me because I am sick? I mean really what do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to continue being nice and forget about the hell you have recently put me through? Did you think I was lying when I said that I was more your friend than you were mine? I mean really what's a girl to do when nothing I held sacred was sacred to you?

So you think I may be crushing on CQP or he on me...now that's funny cuz I think he carries fairy dust and he thinks that I am a prime candidate for Saint E.

I mean how do I get pass the fact that I no longer trust anything you say or do? That my heart has moved on from you. Three years of pining and chasing after you...I have wasted so much time and well the rest may not even be mine to choose, but even if I could, why would I choose to spend it with you?

It's funny because we have had some really OPEN convos...convos that have amazed you...what you say, that you haven't heard me this calm and emotion free in a long time? I had to chuckle when you said this because everyone sees a different me...

I have been holding on to this hate for so long and now that I have finally decided to let this hatred go and live my life, everyone is taking notice. It's funny how many dudes are seriously trying to approach me. It's even funnier that I no longer care about how rejection is going to sound to their ears. I am shutting them down at hello and letting them know that I am working on me. I am dating me. I am seeing me and no, I do not have the time, space, nor the energy to deal with them.

But what about you? How should I proceed...I'm not really sure BUT I have been sitting still a lot lately listening to my soul and, well seeing that I no longer get butterflies when I talk to you and no longer have to change ; -), I think it's high time for me to excuse you from the table.

You are dismissed. You are the weakest link....Bye Bye

"Doesn't it feel good to be loved by me...Luv?"

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)