The Talking Lizard Must Die!!! ~ Day 11

Dear Lizard Brain,

i’ve been noticing you popping up at certain points in this challenge and in my life. It seems like every time I want to do something for my own happiness and growth, you show up to tear me down.

For instance, when I tried to __open my mail_______, you showed up in the form of procrastination. I wanted to see it through, but instead I sabotoged my success by letting it pile up again and leaving it in the box__.

Another example was when I tried to change my life by __starting my own baking business__________ and you came along in the form of self-doubt. I knew I wanted to shift gears, but instead, you told me that __i was too poor to see it become anything to write home about so i let those offers that were on the table expire__________.

So I see what you’re doing and I don’t like it. Yes, I know that you’re afraid of change. You’re afraid of what will happen if I succeed. But what you have to understand is that whatever happens in my life will work out for my good. I was put here on earth for a purpose and you are keeping me from fulfilling that potential.

Well, until now, you have.

I will no longer allow you to stop my progress in living my ideal life. So the next time I see you, I will simply give you a nod and go on about my business.

It’s been nice knowing you, but now it’s time that we part ways.

Sincerely,

[me~ LUV]

haha..it's so funny how my path of progress and this 31reset challenge are in sync.. my writing my feelings down about that guy in my previous blog was a way of me cutting off the lizard's tail...next I am gonna cut off that lizard's head because I am going to see my baking business all the way through...-----> please click like over there and tell a friend about the yummy goodness found at Tweet's Sweets.

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.



I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.


Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...


Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.


I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me uneasy...got me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.


I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am able...now I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Getting Out of My Head....

.......AND OUT OF MY OWN WAY!!!!!






I have been "head blogging" for a minute now which has caused me to DOUBLE POST. (Kanye triple posts..lol)


Oh, well, such is life. This is my space, so if you don't like it, I am sure you know where the "next" button is.




I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. I was on facebook and one of my old homies changed his status to something about "if you missed it before, here's your chance to ask any question you want and I will answer truthfully."

So me, being me, I inboxed him and asked "Are you gay?" Now, I have never ever thought he was gay. He was too much of a whore in highschool for the thought to ever cross my mind. I just wanted to mess with him and to see what his off-based, off-colored, out of order response was going to be?

And his response ...well let's just say that I am glad he didn't go into detail on why he liked the female genitalia. He then asked me, why I asked him that...did I think he was gay. Of course I told him that I was just messing with him and that I even had another question that I was going to ask him but..um I didn't ask it.

I choked. Well it wasn't that I choked as much as I wasn't sure I would be able to digest the response had it been negative; therefore I chose a question that would not jeopardize my well-being in any way. So yeah I choked. So to make up for me choking I asked him if he wanted to return the favor and ask me anything and I would answer honestly.

So, he asks me if I wrote in his senior yearbook in a purple pen. WTW? Um, I don't know. Which is weird cuz I have a beastly memory. So I tell him, "I don't know...what did it say?" He responses..."some freaky stuff" WTW.. Now I am frantically trying to remember if it was me and if so, what did I write, but um, in high school I was pretty much like I am now when it comes to freakiness I KEEPS IT ON THE LOW so I wouldn't have out-ed myself like that...esp in high school. I was still proud to be president of the V Club. So I tell him, "if it was freaky it probably wasn't me..but why you think to ask?" His response, "because I remembered you like purple"

And guess what yall, I did and I still do. Who knew he paid so much attention to me. I mean some of the Faithful Ten don't even know about my love affair with purple...or rather they choose to forget. I mean this was my boy. We ran with the same gang so we were cool. And I was a tomboy, so yeah we were doubly cool.

The thing is, I used to have a crush on him and never told him because of how I thought he and everyone else viewed me. I thought his response would have been the same as that skinny peg head Snoop dog rejectl ookalike (sorry having a moment). So I never told him or showed it. Even though I thought at times that he was feeling me. But now I was curious to know...just as I was curious to know when I first saw his status and went to ask him before my nerves got the best of me....

I looked at our back and forth and I said to myself, "Luv, we are changing...we are growing.. we are moving out of our own way, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. What does it matter what his response is now to something that took place a decade ago.. You don't want him now AND he married with 3 kids, so he bet not want you. It is time to step pass fear."

So I FB'd back "did you use to have a crush on me?" and I pressed send. There was nothing to do but wait, or not. Before I could decide what to do and let fear paralyze my heart, his response was delivered to my inbox.

And low and behold if he didn't admit that he did have a crush on me and that "they" thought I was cute but that I was a good girl and that "they" didn't want to ruin me or bring me down to their level.

WTW...you mean all this time I had been going around thinking that dudes weren't approaching me because they thought I was ugly AND they really wasn't approaching me because of the standards that I set for myself and maintained? You mean that dudes really can tell your worth and will respect it when you respect it first? You mean that a lot of this pain, anguish, and frustration I have experienced since high school could have been avoided had I just held onto my standards and stayed out of my head?


For my word..


"Sometimes we can be the cause of our greatest downfall."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

The Answers I Seek....

Are not in a fortune cookie.

Nor in a tarot card.

It's not inscribed in the palm of my hand.

Or written on my forehead.

For the answers I seek, I already know and have for some time now.

Knowledge has never been my problem. I have and will continue to read and pick the brains of those before me. Knowledge I have an abundance of...... So what pray tell is my problem?

APPLICATION.

What good is the knowledge if you won't apply it?!?!

So when I asked him if he loved her and he hesitated and said, "No." I already knew that he didn't but he was quickly falling. So when I asked him if he was still in love with me and he hesitated and said, "I don't know." I already knew that he was but that he had been slowly falling out when he stopped calling.

I've known what it took to be a "good" Christian all of my life but it took some 15 years for me to get it right.

I've known for some time what I needed to do to turn my life upside right and well I have hemmed and hawed and hawed and hemmed until I was blue in the face.

Today I mused about a lot of things I have been avoiding by searching for it's answer when deep down I knew I already knew the answer...I just didn't want to deal with the solution because it made me uncomfortable or afraid. The answer would force me to alter the way I had been doing things for the last decade, and in some cases longer.

Today I had a chat with a fella who I guess is crushing on me. He stated that he did not want to pursue anything with anyone right now because he is not the man that he wants to be (sounds familiar??); he said that he is still trying to heal himself: emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; he states he needs to do this in order to be the man his woman would want and need him to be.

And I had to stifle back a laugh. Not because what he said was funny but because what he said had exposed me. And it forced me to acknowledge the fact that I already knew: That Luv needed to fully love herself and get herself together before she would be able to be the woman her man would need her to be and until that time I would keep attracting men that were willing to try to love me but couldn't fully love me because they had not reconciled their issues yet.

The fella went on to say that if he attempted to try and start anything with me or anyone else that it would all be a lie because he knew he didn't have his stuff together and he would be fronting like he did to woo me.

I remember early on in mine in Safeway's actual relationship, pondering whether we were attracted to each other because we both thought we were ready for love and on the surface we were but deep down we were not. I remember thinking: If this is the real deal, you need to address some things before they blow up. Fast forward 3 years later and you got a Kaboom and a Kabam.

The same with my health, I knew that I had been neglecting myself and that there were certain things that I needed to do and stop doing and well now look at me, I am turning into the tinman.

I know that I can't expect people to love me if I do not love myself and proof that I love myself is by taking care of me: the emotional, spiritual, and physical me.

Evidence of my application: It's taking me 10 years but I finally talk things out with a semi-professional (hi CQP), it's taking me um I don't know how long, but I am resolved to let God guide my steps, and I have decided to cut out pork and beef and baking soda from my diet (shut up mcfly).

Results: Hmph, you will just have to try it for yourself to understand my new swag.

"Some answers we seek we will never find until we stop to look within. Knowledge is only power if we use it. Applying what we learn or what we know often times may be hard, it may hurt, or break someone's heart, but in the end, application is what separates the boys from the men...or in my case the girls from the grown women."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Breaking the Silence and the Cycle

It's bound to be painful...

whether I let it all gush out at once or let it slowly seep out.

and though some things won't be pleasant, at times they will make me and you uncomfortable......

BUT THEY NEED TO BE SAID; THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED

And it goes without saying that sometimes the only way we can heal is to have reached rock bottom.

For us to have tried all of of concoctions in our head that we believe will work and have them all fail miserably before we are able to recognize that we need help. And to seek that help.

Sometimes I think that I would have been better off if I would have died on May 15, 2000. I mean my already unsteady world exploded around me. I died on the inside and the lil bit of sanity I had been holding on to for a raining day, disappeared.

All of my decisions became one of uncertainty. My mind never found peace because it was constantly scrutinizing every decision I had made throughout the course of the day. Should I have eaten those 2 hot fudge brownie sundaes... should I work here or there..should I have signed the lease.. should I buy the property.. did I do good by giving him my number...she's real, no, no...she's fake, no she's real..um maybe she's real and fake.

And typically when I had decided that she was fake she turned out to be real...and when I thought she/he was real they turned out to be more bogus than Bush's concern for the Katrina victims.

My decision to open up my home to someone who then decided to take advantage of my kindness by violating me has damaged me. It has made me question every decision I have made since then...but no longer.

I cannot constantly let my day be consumed with replaying something I did 10-12 hours prior. It is time to free my mind of the unnecessary drama.

Broken the cycle of indecisiveness, procrastination, and non-action.

They say to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..

Well, I have kept everyone at arm's length as of late (except the Faithful 10)

I just don't have time? energy? the use for? I don't know what it is....I just don't like wasting time or dealing with fake people or unnecessary situations. So, I typically just cut people off. Man, woman, babe, child, friend, family, foe. It really didn't matter. So, as it stands, I haven't talked to my Grandma or my brother in almost ten years.... that's a long time. There are friends that I have just wiped out of my life as well. I don't call and check up on my parents or my siblings because I really don't care, but I should care...shouldn't I?

Harboring grudges and resentment has made the space that I had available to love and accept love very cramped....no longer.

People are people and we are bound to step on one another toes and hearts but LOVE CAN COVER ANYTHING...so I forgive them and the other people who I let in who secretly plotted and prayed for my downfall...who talked about my child being an embarrassment...who kicked me when I was down and written me off as being nothing..I forgive you because you saw in me what I had failed to see: Stuntin ain't easy and you'll never be as great as me!

Broken: taken account and keeping record of all those who have wronged me (and to prove it, I have agreed to raise my niece for a little while. I probably have had 4 conversations with my sister over the last 8 years and when she asked me to help, I said yes without hesitation...life goes on)

I am afraid of unsafe heights, of being a piss poor mother, of never reaching my full potential, of never being funny, pretty, or smart enough. I am afraid of never finding love that will not leave.

Sometimes this fear paralyzes me and causes me to do things to destroy an uncomfortable situation for me versus having to face the situation head on.

So instead of waiting to see where love was going to end up...I pushed love into the arms of another so that I wouldn't have to deal with love choosing on its own...no longer

I may not know really what love is but I do know that I long for it and that I deserve it and that the next time it finds me, I am going to embrace it

Broken: denying love

I will edit this later...this has emotional drained me... so pardon typos and whatnots

"Trust is as fragile as a man's ego...once broken, it's hard to repair."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)