Facing the Music

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard to admit that some notes are just out of your range...your reach.




That the harmony that you hear is only in your head and that the resonance of the actual dissonance of your life, can be heard by all even if it's ignored by you.




I say often, "I am unbreakable and that I was not made to be broken." But, I am not very committed to the statement, which is why I say it often to remind myself of the mere fact that it should be embedded in my heart.


I cannot measure my success by those around me, but I constantly do to keep from dealing with my overflowing plate of things that I have placed there. A lot of the things that I placed on my plate, I knew that I had no business partaking in... I saw the warning signs... I knew they would be bad for my health, but the curiosity got the best of me...and like the cat, darn near killed me.


I rely a lot on my own understanding and perspective of things even when I know it will be to my own detriment. I am afraid of commitment to the point that I even have a hard time committing to following out my obligations to God...it's probably why I haven't gone and raise my right held to commit to providing justice for all...


I look at my crew...you know they say birds of a feather flock together. Well, I have flocked with the best of them, but when it comes to soaring to the next level, to even greater heights or just completing that level, something always comes up that sidetracks me, blocks me, prevents, prohibits me from finalizing my course. I may make it to the next level BUT it's like I am always playing catchup because I am missing that extra piece you get at the end. Sorta like playing SuperMarioBros., skipping by certain levels with magic codes, BUT wishing you hadn't bypassed them because in the end you were missing out on your invincibility or your extra men.


So, this past week, I had surgery on my foot. Had my bunion removed. Hoping that removing the excess pressure on my nerves, will stop the lost of sensation in my hands and feet. But, so far, it has happened more than ever. But, I guess, I should be happy that i will now have "pretty feet."


But anyway, being home with the kids in all this pain with no one of my picking near to help me, really made me look at my ways. Especially after the "blizzard" snowed us in and knocked out our power for hours and I didn't have a flashlight, a candle, nor a working phone. I realized that my secretive ways may one day get me in a situation that I cannot get out of. My next door neighbor kept offering to help me, and I kept refusing.


She one of them I ain't one to gossip and you ain't heard it from me BUT "so and so did and said and went here" types of neighbor and well, she means well BUT I know that Luv, like Homey, don't play that.


But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt lonely, that I didn't feel abandoned EVEN though I didn't really formally tell anyone that I was having surgery. I mean I told my aunts and my cousin because I needed them to assist me with getting my child to school and with me getting released from the hospital. So Jill Scott got my child to school and my aunt came and got me from recovery and wheeled me to my car. See, um, I figured since I had a HIGH tolerance for pain that I wouldn't really need much help, err support than that. Boy was I wrong.


When the numbness wore off, the pain grabbed hold of my entire body. When i tell you that I have never felt pain like that, I mean I would rather go deliver a 20 pound baby vaginally, naturally, than to feel that pain again. When I told people that I had actually taken 1600 mg worth of pain medicine and was still in pain, they were shocked. One because I don't do meds, especially pain meds. Two, 1600 mg is a lot of mg and after popping those two pills I was still favoring the fetal position.


I really underestimated how much assistance I really was going to need. I mean I was told that I was going to get a cane and walked out with crutches. I have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my door. Now add crutches to that equation while trying to keep track of a mischievous 6 year old and a super active 2 year old. These last couple of days have been hecka hard. Good thing I am really cool with at least one of my neighbors. She let us chill at her place and benefit from her candles when the lights went out so we wouldn't be down at my place in total darkness.

It was while I was down there chit-chatting with the ladies that it dawned on me that I had bought into the "i am strong and can handle anything" mentality. I cannot do it alone. Not now with two emotional children and only one good foot. And not never. I cannot seek that which I am also hiding from.


So for the last couple of postings, I have been fighting myself. My thoughts have been muddled. My vision has been hazy. I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision. Was I going to self-destruct by causing Safeway pain, undermining all of my emotional growth? Was I going to continue fighting/being resistant against change. Was I going to continue to do things the way I was accustomed?


After pondering the situation and discussing it with those whose opinions I value, I decided to tell Safeway that he was in danger. Great emotional danger. I am sure that it hurt him knowing that while he was trying to be more "genuine" (his words) with me that I was plotting to destroy his emotional psyche'. I also told him that I lied to him about not commenting on his humping buddy's blog. I told him that I did not trust him any more and that I thought he was a liar. When he asked me if I hated him...if I was mad with him... I laughed. He really did not and does not matter any more. Because with each passing day, something else is reveal to me that shows me that God truly knows what is best for me and right now and maybe not ever, Safeway ain't it.

I have made a lot of progress and sometimes it seems as if I have to take 4 steps back just to move 1/2 step, and it bothered me. But now, I am okay with it. My progress cannot be measured by the distance I have traveled but it can be measured by the width and the ease of my smile. I know that I am afraid of what I have to do in order for me to get better, to feel better, BUT that doesn't mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. At first, I thought that I could just renovate and make adjustments by tearing out a wall here and there...when that didn't work, I began excavating, reasoning that the outer core and the foundation could be salvaged....Now, I am realizing that I am going to have to send a wrecking ball in, knock the entire thing down and start anew.

Starting over from scratch is never easy...I mean think about all the time, money, memories, etc. invested in the old. Those are things I will never be able to get back. But looking at the return I am destined to receive once my life is properly built is enough for me to say a prayer and give the signal to let the ball swing.

"I cannot crave companionship and only welcome isolation. I cannot crave closeness and shun intimacy. I cannot strive for success and be afraid of failure. I cannot demand understanding and only hear what I want to hear. I cannot expect perfection from imperfect people. I cannot continue to forgive without also trying to forget. I cannot continue loving with stipulations and expecting to find true love."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine

*******WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG EVEN FOR ME AND IT IS GONNA BE KINDA MUDDLED AT TIMES, BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT SO THAT I CAN SORT IT OUT (MAYBE)********


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.


My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a motha...so he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.


But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?


"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be loved...in theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it official...do they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never fails...so why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.

Why?

Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' pain...it keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Admittance, Acceptance, Advancement

I am very disappointed in myself.

In my life.

In my decisions.

As long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was get as far away from home as I possibly could.

I wanted to go out into the world and start over - start fresh. I wanted to make me a new family - a real family so that I could stop borrowing my friends. (Hi Byrds, Regalados, Russells, Lawsons, Mitchells, Boultons, Wilsons, Tracys, Moses, Roberts, Tangs, Hamodehs) You know, one that was less dysfunctional than mine.

Now I know all families have their problems....BUT, there's still some loyalty, some affection, some love, some other feelings besides hate, sadness, misery and disconnect.

Yeah, leaving home was supposed to be my "get out of jail free card," my "do-over," my chance at happiness.

The thing about running is this~once you start, you may never stop. It's kinda like tellling a lie~ you gotta keep telling them to cover for the first one you told.

So, I left and never really looked back. Sure, I glanced over my shoulder, checked my rear-view to see if my Past was gaining on me ~ BUT, I never did an aboutface to assess the situation...to sort through the madness...to allow myself to heal or to breathe.

Fast forward 15 years later and guess what - those issues, situations, problems I was running from are staring at me from my driver's seat. They have been running ruining my life for some time now.

Love

I watched my father beat my mother.

I watched my mother mace my father.

I watched my father abuse my siblings.

I watched my father abuse me.

I helped plot my father's death (my brother's have chicken livers for hearts which is the only reason that my father draws air today).

Trust

My father cheated on my mother several times.

Family members stole from our house on several ocassions.

My father cut the head off of my Incredible Hulk bank and took out over $2000 that he spent on booze ( money I had been saving...none of which came from him).

Loyalty

I saw the aftermath of my father being stabbed in his head by his brother.

I watched on numerous ocassions as my Grandmother pitted brother against brother, cousin against cousin, husband against wife.

My own mother set me up so that my father could confront me after I moved out to escape any further abuse by him.

How do you move on from all of that chaos, stress, dysfunction if you never come to terms with it?

You don't.

This is why inadvertantly I had allowed my Past to impact my present and shape my future. No longer.

Everyday I get up and take a sledgehammer to the walls around me. No time for babysteps...I've wasted enough time.

"In the shake of a quake, I will not fall, that's how strong my love is (A. Keys)....Love, through it, all things are possible for God is love. Sometimes when you are going through it, and through it, and through it, you tend to forget that you don't have to do it alone. God is always there, willing and able to handle any problem....Question is, will you let HIM?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Hills and Valleys

Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk ~ yeah that's the size of what I heard today talking to CQP. He was really blowing me with all the Safeway questions.

Do you think it was a hill or a valley when you contacted the girl (see So, Outta Pocket)?

I mean I have been in the Valley of Death for so long, shouldn't he be asking was it a pothole, or a pile of snow?

But it's fine cuz I am getting a helicopter ride out of here. I've already paid my fare and I know my destination....

Life is what you make it and I am determined to make the best of what I have left of my life. Typically when I say I am going to do something and I have total control over the situation, I am going to do it.

I added my brother as one of my fb friends. (yeah the one I haven't talked to or dealt with in ten years)

I talked to my other brother on the phone.

See, small changes, but it's progression nevertheless.

"Some things you aren't going to have an answer for...you simply will have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Breaking the Silence and the Cycle

It's bound to be painful...

whether I let it all gush out at once or let it slowly seep out.

and though some things won't be pleasant, at times they will make me and you uncomfortable......

BUT THEY NEED TO BE SAID; THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED

And it goes without saying that sometimes the only way we can heal is to have reached rock bottom.

For us to have tried all of of concoctions in our head that we believe will work and have them all fail miserably before we are able to recognize that we need help. And to seek that help.

Sometimes I think that I would have been better off if I would have died on May 15, 2000. I mean my already unsteady world exploded around me. I died on the inside and the lil bit of sanity I had been holding on to for a raining day, disappeared.

All of my decisions became one of uncertainty. My mind never found peace because it was constantly scrutinizing every decision I had made throughout the course of the day. Should I have eaten those 2 hot fudge brownie sundaes... should I work here or there..should I have signed the lease.. should I buy the property.. did I do good by giving him my number...she's real, no, no...she's fake, no she's real..um maybe she's real and fake.

And typically when I had decided that she was fake she turned out to be real...and when I thought she/he was real they turned out to be more bogus than Bush's concern for the Katrina victims.

My decision to open up my home to someone who then decided to take advantage of my kindness by violating me has damaged me. It has made me question every decision I have made since then...but no longer.

I cannot constantly let my day be consumed with replaying something I did 10-12 hours prior. It is time to free my mind of the unnecessary drama.

Broken the cycle of indecisiveness, procrastination, and non-action.

They say to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..

Well, I have kept everyone at arm's length as of late (except the Faithful 10)

I just don't have time? energy? the use for? I don't know what it is....I just don't like wasting time or dealing with fake people or unnecessary situations. So, I typically just cut people off. Man, woman, babe, child, friend, family, foe. It really didn't matter. So, as it stands, I haven't talked to my Grandma or my brother in almost ten years.... that's a long time. There are friends that I have just wiped out of my life as well. I don't call and check up on my parents or my siblings because I really don't care, but I should care...shouldn't I?

Harboring grudges and resentment has made the space that I had available to love and accept love very cramped....no longer.

People are people and we are bound to step on one another toes and hearts but LOVE CAN COVER ANYTHING...so I forgive them and the other people who I let in who secretly plotted and prayed for my downfall...who talked about my child being an embarrassment...who kicked me when I was down and written me off as being nothing..I forgive you because you saw in me what I had failed to see: Stuntin ain't easy and you'll never be as great as me!

Broken: taken account and keeping record of all those who have wronged me (and to prove it, I have agreed to raise my niece for a little while. I probably have had 4 conversations with my sister over the last 8 years and when she asked me to help, I said yes without hesitation...life goes on)

I am afraid of unsafe heights, of being a piss poor mother, of never reaching my full potential, of never being funny, pretty, or smart enough. I am afraid of never finding love that will not leave.

Sometimes this fear paralyzes me and causes me to do things to destroy an uncomfortable situation for me versus having to face the situation head on.

So instead of waiting to see where love was going to end up...I pushed love into the arms of another so that I wouldn't have to deal with love choosing on its own...no longer

I may not know really what love is but I do know that I long for it and that I deserve it and that the next time it finds me, I am going to embrace it

Broken: denying love

I will edit this later...this has emotional drained me... so pardon typos and whatnots

"Trust is as fragile as a man's ego...once broken, it's hard to repair."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Hope After Destruction

I want this.

No, I need this.

I need to get down to the niddity gritty of this LOVE/TRUST thing because I am headed toward self-destruction...headed toward self-destruction.

I am tired of this inward, outward battle of proving that I deserve to be loved only to don my Nike's when it appears to be headed my way.

I didn't ask to be beaten. I didn't ask to be made to feel less than. I didn't ask to be made fun of. I didn't ask to be here.....but I AM and it looks like I am not going anywhere anytime soon. So, it's time for me to expose the demons in my head. It's time for me to step from behind the veil and let the world see me in all of my glory.

This week is a very difficult week for me....This week used to be a very difficult week for me. This week will no longer impact my life to the point it cripples me and emotionally shuts me down. Ten years ago, I was raped during this week. It's funny, because until recently, every detail of the event was still etched into my brain, but today as I type this...the details are very hazy.

This week is also the week that I met with my family and learned that sometimes even the families you choose will turn around and bite you in the butt while stabbing you in the face. I don't think I ever got over the hurt and pain from finding out that people I had taken a chance on, that people I loved and shared so much of myself with were sitting up talking about me and my child. BACKSTABBERS...yall know the song.

So I am damaged; I am bruised, BUT I am restockable.

I still have worth, even with all my baggage, with all my heartaches and breaks, with all of my disappointments. And I had forgotten this....

I had been in the charge formation for so long ( you know, head slightly tilted forward, eyes slanted, shoulders squared, knees slightly bent and feet dug in) that I had forgotten that everything did not have to be a battle. That some things weren't worth fighting for....

They say that if you want different results that you have to do things differently. Well me just doing the quick battle line assessment of situations, devoting time to the things that appeared to be salvageable and not even bothering with those looking like they were about to flatline, has not worked for me. I have saved a lot of things that I should have let die and let perish things that still had life in them.

"Defeat is only final if you accept it. For the past ten years I have been wandering around the same valley, experiencing the same types of situations BECAUSE I refused to learn the lesson. I refused to accept that even though I was severely wounded that I had not been struck with a fatal blow...I still had life in me. That I still was capable of accomplishing the impossible dream even with all the trauma I had seen and experienced. Today, I rise, will you join me?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (SMOOCHES)

You Sooooooooooo Out of Pocket!

You ever had someone just jump way out there?


You know jump from their lane into yours without signaling or anything.



They hear something or read something and just run with it without thinking it through or processing the info like a NORMAL person would...

You haven't?

Well......................................... let me introduce myself. "Hi my name is Luv and I was so out of pocket the other day, I mean I was dead wrong and I am rather ashamed of my behavior, now you can scratch this off your never have met list."



The other day I must have bumped my head, really hard because I acted so uncool. I dropped the baton. I let them see me sweat. I became, even if just for a hot FB second, that chick.

Sidebar: Now, I am not saying that being that chick in certain instances are all bad. But, in my case, I had no reason to be that chick...probably didn't have any reason to be that chick either when I broke into dude's phone that time ( i digress)



I contacted this chick and asked her was her and her dude sex buddy having unprotected sex.. why, I mean he told me that they weren't and well when he told me I believed him but now that my entire body is going haywire and they can't pinpoint it, I'm like maybe dude gave me something... I mean I don't know how long they have been dealing but from her blog (yes, I read her blog) it seems like they have been hitting the skins for a minute and well, I wanted to know if dude had lied to me.


So instead of answering the question, this chick goes on and on about how she doesn't see how he finds time for me and how he is always with her and blah blah blah. And I am thinking, if he has given me anything that isn't curable, I am going to cause him bodily harm and if he has given me something that can be cured, I am going to cause him bodily harm.


So the chick has sent me several other messages that I refuse to respond to because I recognize that I am the one that opened Pandora's box..but just because I opened it doesn't mean I have to take out the contents...


"Trust ~ it takes years to build and seconds to destroy. Just because someone treated you one way doesn't give you license to make everyone pay for their actions. Emotions will get you in a jam that even your heart can't get you out of..."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Stacking the Deck

Shuffle, Shuffle, Cut, Cut, Deal, Deal, Flip a Card, Deal

So, this is what the quack thinks I am doing to him. He thinks that I am shuffling up whatever it is he is asking me, cutting it down into segments that I can quickly manipulate, then dealing him out a heap of HORSE CRAP (but of course he used the word BullS) with one or two honest responses mixed in the HORSE CRAP.

It's quite interesting....

Whenever I would go to speak, he would whip out his imaginary deck of cards and begin to deal out my HORSE CRAP.

The things is, he would be dealing when I was actually being sincere and not dealing when I was giving him FILLERS or FLUFF not HORSE CRAP. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I have mastered the art of talking in circles to the point that even when I am being straight forward it is sounding like randomness? Or is it that I have been doing this for so long that I don't even know what I am really feeling? (I know that sounds crazy but it is possible to run from your feelings so much that you actually lose touch with what you are actually feeling...you begin to fool yourself) Or, is it that his male ego is so fragile that when he told me that he knew a lot about me and I laughed and said, "oh, really, a lot of people feel that way...but trust, just because I have sat and talked with you for an hour doesn't mean that you have learned anything about me. I can say a lot and not really say anything at all," that I damaged his ego?

So now, this week he is over there dealing cards and telling me that I am pouring it on and well, I wasn't. Or at least I don't think I was. Actually, I know I wasn't. I was having a really bad day, spent the morning in my car crying while talking to my uncle. (but that's a story for another blog in another location) And, well, I just didn't have it in me to talk in circles because I was already emotionally drained.

So my homework: (yeah this is gonna get old after awhile, if I wanted to be writing papers, I would go on back to my part time job of being a professional student.)

Write about why do I think I am in therapy. Why do I think I am ready for therapy. Why do I think I am not ready for therapy.

And if I simply write that I am ready for love, he will whip out that deck of cards and then I would probably wanna horse kick him.

"Masks, we all wear them, actually, we are taught to wear them, and even encouraged to wear them, whether it's to mask how we truly feel about a person or a situation, or to hide what type of individual or worker we are...we wear them. Some people have the ability to change masks as quickly as a person changing a hat or a pocketbook. Masks are fascinating and often necessary, but the danger with masks is: you wear them long enough, people won't be able to tell your representative from the real thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

And Not With A Soda On The Side!

So I have been feeling a little under the weather.

I have had snoot running from my nose, my head has been throbbing, and my ears have been popping, and my child has been a whining.

Just whining about any and everything and well, it just got me to thinking about some things.

Things like how when I am sick, I really want to be catered to by a warm body that has a lot of testosterone running through it and preferably is over the age of 20. Now, I ain't talking about having nobody wipe my nose and my butt (no, I didn't have the runs, but I am just saying). I am talking about having someone fret over me. Make me some tea. Make me some cocoa. Make me some freakin' CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP! Bring me some tissue, you know the soft kind that won't make all them ugly scabs show up around my nose. Someone to ask me if there is anything they can do to make it better, even if they know that I am going to say 'no.'

I also realized that even though I am a great MOMMY.....

That I don't particularly care for being a mommy.

That's the plain truth of it. I mean I love kids. And at one time I wanted 10 of them. Five of my own and I wanted to adopt five. Now, I don't want any. I want a DO OVER.

This is hard work and on most days I don't think it's all that it's cracked up to be.

It's like the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself. Why bring a kid into the equation? Yeah these are things that I should have thought about before pre-creation, and I thought I had thought them through. But, I just don't like being a parent. Now, it goes without saying that if my child wasn't such a brat that I probably would enjoy being a parent, but he is and i don't and I guess that's life, which is why I just do the best I can do.

I am thinking I am gonna have a slide show for you guys tomorrow, so please toon in.

"Life doesn't always give us what we need or what we want, but that should not stop us from doing what we need to or want to do. Most happy people accept what they have and work with what they got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)