My Inkings on my Soul

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and repeat....it will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Picking My Left Foot Up ~ Day 10

II have picked my left foot up and I am about to put my right foot down...and I am gonna keep on moving cuz I have already lost too much ground!

Oooh I am soooo ready to break out and sing "Can't you feel a brand new day" So, yesterday was day 9 and I didn't get a chance to blog about it because my days have been pretty jam packed. Actually I on got a chance to glance at the assignment before I fell asleep. But I am seeing that even though I didn't physically get to do it, I actually subconsciously completed today's assignment anyways from what would have been on my life's circle.

Today I went to see a man about a horse...or in other words, I went to see Quacky Quack. And low and behold when I left out do you know this man finally stated that I had been open!!!! My time left here must be shorter than I had calculated. But for those of you who have been following my internal battle, know that I have had a very hard time opening us to QQ. For a lot of reasons and for no reason at all. Anyways for me to become a healthy better me, I need to be able to express what is going on with me if only for the sake of clearing mental space. And well today I reaffirmed for myself that I am well on my way.

And I know I am gonna make it this time..this time I am gonna make it!!!!

It's a beautiful thing to wake up and know that I am going to be okay regardless of what goes down. I am so proud of me and how I am being consistent with learning to respond vs. react. I am also learning to be patient and to cut myself some slack. I just really can't wait until I see what's waiting for me at the end of this tunnel.

Still cracking up at QQ saying the guy for me is going have to have an abundance of tolerance...i don't care what he has as long as he walking with a big stick.

"Sometimes we go for so long with being hungry that when we are finally offered food, we cannot eat....no need to fret because sooner or later the hunger pains will get the best of us and we will figure out a way to digest something."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Relax, Relate, Reflect ~ Day 7

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the finest of them all? You gots that right, it's ME!!!! If you can't tell, I am really feeling myself right now, and well it's about dang ole' time.

I have learned a lot about myself this last week, this last month. It's funny that this 31 day reset came at a time in my life when I was doing just that...I was turning back the hands of time. I was relinquishing old baggage. I was forgiving and letting go. I was getting out of my own way because something in my soul is telling me that my breakthrough is near... I can smell it....oooh I can taste it!!!

So, this last week I have to say that I was happy to see the changes that had already set in motion were really seeping to my heart. I told myself that I was going to look in the mirror and regardless of what I saw, I was going to deal with it for what it was absent of emotions. So, when I faced difficult assignments, I didn't feel the need to procrastinate or shut down because I didn't let my feelings get the best of me. What has been done, is done. I can't do anything about it but accept it, learn from it and move on... and I'se a moving!!!!

I would say that the most enjoyable assignment for me was writing the love letter to myself. It just put a smile on my face. I am not sure why, but it's proof that I have learned to love Luv in a way that I haven't been able to love in a long time.

"I may not be where I want to be in life...or even where I need to be...but I am still here and I am still moving and still learning which means I am still living, and one day I will look up and see that I have reached my destiny."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Life's Assessment ~ Day 2 of 31 Day Reset

Everyone's getting ahead...but me.
Hmph.

Well that's how it feels when you are constantly grinding and grinding and grinding... it feels like everyone else is living the "good life" aka the "champagne life" while you are struggling to make ends meet, find love, do x,y,z.

At least that is how I have felt over these Past 11 years of just existing and getting by. But now my outlook is a lil bit different because I CHOOSE for it to be different and it all started with me looking at the "WO"man in the mirror and making changes that I didn't necessarily want to make but changes that I knew I needed to make if I wanted to change that pic at the top into this pic here:


So I started looking at my situations and my choices for what they were...being honest for the part I played in them and making the necessary adjustments and moving on. And I plan to do the same thing with this assessment.

Lifestyle: I like that I am FINALLY living again and creating a life outside of my normal hustle and bussle...outside of running around Chucky and Chucky's bride.. That I am back to enjoying my own company. I do not like that I really don't have a core group of folks I can hang out with that I really truly trust. I mean I trust them to a certain extent and then yeah...not a lot of them I would totally open up to even though they have opened up to me about their stuff...AND other people's stuff. Then there is the consistency thing. A lot of my adventurous girl homies don't have kids so of course they don't want to be bothered with kids all the time..and sometimes I just can't get rid of them. Then my homies with kids they don't really like doing the same things that I like to do...then finances is an issue.. and well sometimes I feel kinda stuck. Even though I am very happy with going to dinner, movie, etc by myself ( I am loving getting to know me all over again) sometimes I do want to share my company with other people who I don't have to be on guard with.


Work: I like that I have a job. I do not like that my job does not even cover my mortgage.

Education: I like that I have been blessed with the opportunities that I have had. I do not like that I let fear paralyze me, resulting in me losing my spot at Emory University...even though I am grateful for how Howard embraced me, I really believe my life would have been very different had I gone to Emory.

Finances: I like being able to have some money because I know of people with none. I do not like not making enough money to feed my child or to by toilet paper or to buy myself new panties when I want to! (thanks heavens for those years working at Vickis cuz I stocked up)

Health: I am not in a wheel chair. I am not assisted by a seeing eye dog. I am not confined to a bed. I don't like being in pain everyday. I don't like not having adequate insurance to have the tests I need ran to determine what is causing my pain.

Family: My son loves me even when I do not love myself. I do not like the fact that I had to add my niece to my family because her mother/my sister doesn't want her. I do not like that my family likes to expose the people that are trying to do something with their lives and shield and cover for the ones that need some serious help.

Relationships: I like that I am at a point in my life where I am really figuring out who and what is good for me..be it platonic or romantic. I do not like that I may have missed the chance of being loved unconditionally because it took me so long to own up to some of my skeletons.

Sometimes when you have walked with your head hung down for so long, you forget to pick it back up to see that you have actually come a long way. Living, Learning and Seeing.

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Half-a-dozen In One

..... And 6 in the other

People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.

I want to be free....I shall be free!

So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.

I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.

When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.


So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.

I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!

Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.

PAUSE...yeah you read right.

This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.

I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.

I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.


"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.


So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had possibly tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to Celie me at her Richmond concert.


So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.



I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.


Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...


Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Guess I Am In Good Company

I've been busy y'all. Busy living and loving, and loving and living. And it feels good. Each day I am excited to see what new thing I am going to discover about me...or better yet, what new things someone else is going to notice about me. I feel like a new person since I have been doing all this purging. I feel like a weight has been lifted since I have exposed MOST of my sins...can't tell it all, oh the Po-Pos will be knocking at my door.

It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.

I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.


But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)


To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.

Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)


This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...

"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their job...so when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.


I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me uneasy...got me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.


I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am able...now I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Dear God

Sometimes I wonder what your plan is for me. Sometimes I wonder if you really, really love me. I look back over my life and Sum Tymes, I Wanna Cry. I want to cry for a childhood that I will never know. I want to cry for the people who really loved me being taken away from me when I wasn't ready to let them go. I want to cry for never feeling like I belonged....anywhere. I want to cry for being born into confusion and chaos. I want to cry for never really having anyone around to fight for me when I was tired of fighting for myself. I want to cry just cause I don't even really know how to cry any more. Sometimes I think I used up the best parts of me trying to get through all of the foolishness that surrounded me.

My life is changing..it's coming full circle..and when I think about my life and compare them with the last 10, I realize this: The last decade was hell not because of what I went through but because I did not have you. I was mad at the world and most importantly, I was mad with you. I thought you owed me something, instead of realizing that I owed you. Before, even in my darkest hour, you always gave me something to smile about, something to hold on to, something to push forward to, something...never allowing me to give up even when that seemed to be the popular option.

I have been so focused on the bad, that I have been blind to the good. I have seen the people who have done me wrong, which has overshadowed the people that have done me right.

I am changing; therefore things around me are changing.

I am excited and I am scared. I have known success and I have known failure. I have known praise and I have known ridicule. I have known righteousness and I have known darkness. I have done things that many only dream of and things that still haunt me in my dreams.

But, nevertheless, I am ready to move forward. I am ready for my forever. I am ready to be molded so that you can reveal your master plan. I am ready to stop standing in the way of my own happiness.

On Sept. 1st, I will complete a process, a process that has taken 2 years because of many things and because of nothing at all. Three days later, I will celebrate the anniversary of the day that rocked mine and my child's world. And celebrate I will because who knows if I would have grown so much in LOVE in such a short time, but for that day.

I am ready for the next phase and it's process....


"A closed fist doesn't get fed...sometimes we block our blessings simply because we aren't open to receiving them. Sometimes we have to stop focusing on all the people that have done us wrong and all the things that have gone bad in order to see all the people that have our back and to see all the things that go right."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Getting My Front Row Right

So as I am going on this journey, or maybe I should call it a QUEST, makes it sound so much more intriguing....

So as I venture out on my QUEST with my noble Chucky, I am really in awe as things are falling into place and aligning themselves for me to take what is rightfully mine.

I am realizing that some of y'all have gots to go!

Some of y'all have been sitting down at Luv's table for quite too long. Sitting there eating my free food, sucking up all my cool air, drinking my FIRE sweet tea (don't mind the head swooning after you drink a cup, just lets you know you ain't got "SUGA" cuz if you did you would be in a coma by now), telling me how good it is every time I stick my head in, but as soon as I leave you throwing salt on me... Talking bout I think I am this, I think I am that, and my food ain't the shiznick (so why you still here)...kick rocks, DEUCES!

The more I see me, the more I see that I have let a lot of people into my personal space that should have NEVER been allowed there. I had been giving away front row tickets to my life to people who should have been outside the stadium searching for scalpers, trying to get in. I mean there are some people in my life who only love me when I am down, so I am going to shift them right on up to the nose bleed section so from their perspective, everything looks the same. And then of course there are those who don't love me at all and are just looking for something to gossip about or carry. To those, I say carry this: Luv not only sees her destination but she is closing in on it, fast...and if you ain't with her then she is dismissing you because she doesn't have time for small mindedness. And then there are those that were given Section 300 seats that deserve floor seats because they really do genuinely care and want what's best for me. (sorry, free popcorn?)

So, yeah, I am doing a whole lot of reorganizing over her: physically and mentally. I am snatching tickets and calling security cause as a lot of my Facebook friends just found out, some of y'all just don't make the cut. DELETE

So in preparation of taking Center Stage, I have been trying to get some things etched in stone with regards to how I am going to be from here until the next time I need to do an aboutface.

Date Night ~ I am trying to take myself and just myself out on a date, once a week. The only way I can get back to the basics of who I am and who I really want to be, is to spend some real quality time with me, without the crumbsnatchers around fighting for my attention.

Care and Upkeep ~ No it's not a front, I really look like I just rolled out of bed most of the times, because, um, I just rolled out of the bed. I have promised to put more effort into my upkeep for myself. To spruce things up. I said that even though I am a fan of the think bushy eye brows, that I would get a shape up at least once a month. I am also going to start back swimming and skating. I used to swim like a fish...stopped because I hate wet hair..guess that isn't really a problem any more. Skating, well, I have to wait for the doctor to clear me before I get my Roll Bounce back popping. I have been doing a half-way decent job with managing my new hair. If nothing else, I make sure it is not looking like sand paper.

I think I am ready to put RoughNeck persona to bed and send out my sophisticated representative. The problem I run into with this is that I have so many allergies. The only scent I can wear is Baby Powder. The only earrings I can wear has to be a high quality of gold. And my makeup skills are no where near on point. But I guess I can stop belching my name in public.

And I am really trying to decide what are the things I will need from my future mate versus the things that I want. I am working everyday to become a better person, for me. The more I let go and come to terms with the more I find that my long lost friend, the smile, shows up on my face.

"Time is a wasting. Time is precious. Time may spring forward and fall back, yet it never reverses. Seize not only the day, but the moment, the hour, the second because that is something you will never get back. Life is time, how much more of yours are you willing to waste?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Inside Out Beauty

Have you every stopped to marvel at the beauty of a flower? I mean just really appreciated the petals, the color and the stem and how it all worked together?




Have you ever, stopped and marveled at the bud that did not bloom and recognize it's potential beauty? Realizing that ultimately what's beautiful on the outside, gots to be beautiful on the inside. ... And what's beautiful on the inside gots to be beautiful on the outside.




So me and CQP have been beefing. He has been getting under my skin. Partly because he ain't hearing me and he's dyslexic when it comes to understanding texts. And partly because he is finally seeing me. Or maybe he has seen me before and was just pussyfooting around the issue. Kinda like I had been doing with Safeway. Seeing the Elephant and acting like it was a kitten. Some things cannot be sidestepped...some things have to be addressed...some things cannot be sugar coated....some things you have to just spit them out the best way that you know how and let the pieces and the hurt lay where they may fall.... some things you can't apologize for and some things you have to let go, no matter how much they hurt you.




Most of CQP questions are trivial gum drop questions...questions that just fill up the empty space and allows me to work on my standup. But there has been one question that he often poses to me that I have ignored because it was the comfortable thing to do. To answer it would cause me to look deep within because none of my surface okey doke answers would do, not for him and not for me.



Why do I fight myself and hold on to the things that cause me the most pain...(of course you know these ain't his words..)



This question has bothered me, it has nagged at my soul. Because it has the ability of exposing me for the lil' lost girl that I really am. It had the ability of collapsing not only my walls but sinking my foundation. (yeah that I was supposed to be revamping anyways)



But I want this. I want a do-over. I want to erase all the negativity that is embedded in my heart, mind and soul. I want to take back contol over my vessel. I want this even if I can not verbally express it or emotionally show it. I am so tired of feeling the sorrow of the world. So tired of bleeding invisible blood. So tired of second-guessing the best friend I have ever known: ME.




So today, a day after my Granddaddy's birthday and four days before mine, I have decided to let the world me really see what beauty I possess on the inside. I have found that I hide behind a lot of things: books, wit, glasses, work, drive, pain, sorrow, drama, big clothes, etc. But the biggest thing that I have hid behind has been my hair.


My hair has been the cause of much joy but also much pain. I remember being at Six Flags with a fresh press out. I remember my parents admonishing me about working too big of a sweat, 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember not being able to get on the water rides because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember when the sky opened up without a moment's notice and it started to unleash gallons and gallons of water on the screaming and scampering thrill seekers. I remember my brothers racing to a nearby stand to grab a bag for my hair because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember racing to the car and getting in the car and taking off the bag and laughing...My hair had not only turned back, it looked like I was first generation African. I also remembered wondering, when had I voiced that I didn't like my hair the way it was.


I didn't like the pressing comb. My mother always burned my ear and my head when she pressed it. It took all day and only lasted 15 minutes. I didn't like relaxers because they left scabs in my head because I was always scratching my head, even as the goob was getting applied to my head. And then, my mother was always finding someone to do my hair in their "home shop" and when my hair fell out the next day, she would understand why that person did hair in their home and not IN a shop. In high school my mother made me get my hair done every week because she always said my hair looked a hot mess...and I'm sure it did...but it was my hot mess. I always got accolades from both sexes when my Do was just right. I always felt good when the Indians were not just on the tips, but could be seen throughout my head. I am not sure when I started determining my beauty based on my hair, its texture, and its length...but it happened.

I have been wanting to start-over for a long time...especially with my hair. It is currently falling out due to my too blessed to be stressed, stress. I have wanted to stop the relaxers because I am tired of getting a touch-up every five weeks. I am tired of being a prisoner to my fears. I am tired of having my self-worth and beauty determined by superficial things. I am tired of being afraid to start over. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have never been much of a 'talker' I have been a doer.. and for a minute I have been going back and forth about this hair thing. I have been telling everyone that I want a do-over...then I have set back and listened to what all the naysayers have said...


Well last time I checked, them same haters told me that I couldn't be the 1st Black valedictorian in my high school, told me that I could not make it on my own, told me that I could not do law school as a single parent, told me that I wasn't beautiful because I wasn't light, didn't have straight feet, white teeth, didn't have really long hair, didn't have a big butt (but i really did used to have a dunk..i did) and well to them haters I say:


Look at me now,










Now that I ain't gots no hair (smile) maybe you too can finally see the beauty that lies within me that has been so wrapped in this protective bud, also lies on the outside. (now let me go straighten my wig)



"I have been waiting for my do-over; today, I realize that I really had been waiting in vain because all I had to do to get a fresh start was to allow my bud to open up and blossom."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

CQP: the answer is because I felt they defined me and determined my worth...was a testament to how strong I was...what I could endure...like battle wounds,scars. Gave me street cred...It was all that I had to hang my hat on...but no more, I am now in control of the ink that will memorialize the rest of this crazy journey...you welcome to come along for the ride.

i plan to get caught up on everyone's blogs this weekend so please excuse the late comments

Dopeboy Blessings

It's funny how things that are out of place are either falling into place or out of my life. I am in a really good place right now. I am in motion. I am focusing. I am discussing. I am releasing. I am living. But most importantly, I am accepting and I am changing.


Each day I am accepting who I am: the good, the bad, the ugly. And boy let me tell you there is a lot of bad and ugly up in here, but can you blame me? But, there is a sprinkle of good which has done wonders for me and others.

I often focus on the negative and not the positive because it just seems like there is so much of it, it overshadows, covers, smothers the goodness. Today, I choose to focus on my blessings.

So, as many of you know I am on crutches and have to contend with Chucky and Chucky's Bride. It has been really hard for me to get around because 1. My car won't start because the battery is dead and I am blocked in by the snow 2. I am not brave enough to do public transportation with Chucky's Bride while hopping, sliding on crutches.


Well, I have been receiving blessings on top of blessings this week, right when I needed them. So, as I stated, my car battery died on me because my car has been sitting for a week. So do you know the store manager from AutoZone came over, unhooked my battery, carried it back tot the store and charged it up so that I could at least start my car up if I ever got myself dug out. Then the other day when I needed to get to the hospital and it appeared as if every cab in the District was either already on a job or broken, a city worker offered to give me a ride to the hospital free of charge. What a blessing because Mama didn't really have roundtrip cabfare.

So today when the neighborhood dope boy came to shovel my car out (yeah I paid him, but that's a different story) and caught me when I was falling on the ice, I had to chuckle. Now when dope boy had another dope boy come and swoop us to take me to get them monsters so I wouldn't be late getting them, I couldn't help but smile. I mean it must pay to be genuine because I have always kept my foot up dope boy #1's butt, trying to push him to realize what he could get out of life if he just worked for it. Now I will say that I was more than concerned when we got pulled over by the Po-Pos, but even that was uneventful. I mean they were more concerned with making Chucky's Bride happy than with searching the vehicle. Cause lawd only knows what these jokers may have had in that car, but I don't think DB1 would roll like that with me in the car because I am kinda like his L7 big sister.

So I managed to buy another battery and guess who put it in...You guessed it: Autozone's Store manager and when I went to retrieve my key from the store's safe, another manager was like "you must be a special person, you must be a really nice person...it seems like you get a lot of people to go out of their way for you." And you know what, he's absolutely, without a doubt, right.

I am special and I do go out of my way for people. So even though everyone else seemed astounded at the sight of the neighborhood pushers clearing the snow from around my car and helping me to and fro across the ice, I knew I was just getting back what I had put out there.


"Luv thy neighbor as thyself cuz you never know when you gonna need that crackhead, that prostitute, that old bathrobe wearing lady, or that person of a different hue that you don't like to bestow God's blessings upon you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Curse of My Gift

I have a very peculiar gift.


A lot of people swear they wish they had it.


People are always astounded by it.

I HATE it on most occasions.

I have an extraordinary memory. I can not only remember things from 30 years ago (there I go dating myself) but I can remember very specific details like: conversations (verbatim), outfits worn, where people stood, exact locations, etc...etc. Stuff that no one should want to remember.


My short term memory is more profound than my long term memory. I can memorize vast amount of knowledge in a short period of time and regurgitate it upon command, on most occasions. This is how I made it through law school. I did not open most books until the week of finals. Since my grade would only consist of my final there was no need for me to store all that mundane jargon throughout the school year when I could just cram during finals week. It's also how I passed the Bar after only studying for three days.

So many may be reading this and saying well what is the problem..sounds good to me.. the problems is I just don't remember the good, I remember EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. And some days it just seems like the bad outweighs the good.


Maybe that's why I wouldn't commit to writing this blog as openly as I needed to...maybe that's why it took another tragedy to get me into therapy. I remember that I started going to the Rape Crisis Center... I went for a couple of sessions and just stopped going. It was too much for me. While the ladies were up sharing, I was transported back to my room, to my bed, to my apartment where I was being victimized. Do you know what it's like to be victimized in what's supposed to be your safe haven? Everyday that I came home, I relived this tragedy. Scene by scene. Because that's what it had become for me: a movie.


I hated coming home because I knew the minute that I opened the door, I would be transported back in time. So, I took to doing things to take my mind off the foolishness like dating losers (and I am not calling them losers after-the-fact, I knew they were losers before hand), eating baking soda, and writing. That's how I met my child's donor. That's partially why I am sick right now. I wrote a book about my ordeal and when I was approached by a publisher to publish it, I freaked out and shelved the book. I also started doing something else that I hadn't done before, I started editing my tragedy.


Each day I would change a scene. Sometimes it would be something small and other times it would be something big. It got to the point that I had edited it so much that I didn't even get raped, I got away...and well that's probably why the rape never really bothered me per se, I had fooled myself into believing that it didn't really happened the way that it happened. Now the twins, that was something totally different, I couldn't edit that pain away.

I couldn't change the fact that so many people told me their dying was the best because I shouldn't have tried to keep the rapist baby. I couldn't edit out the look on my child's face as I held him in the palm of my hand as he died. I couldn't edit out the pain that I felt at having to go through most of the ordeal alone because I didn't know who would be bitten with the stupid bug. I couldn't edit scenes and I couldn't numb the pain or blink away the stupid people.

There are a lot of painful episodes in my life that I can't let go of because they are so fresh in my mind, it's like they just happened. So, I can't forgive, because I can't forget that you stood there and laughed at me and played that stupid Ebony and Ivory song at a time when I needed to be told that I was pretty, that Black was beautiful...anything BUT that I was black followed by the snickering and the playing of Stevie's song. I can't trust because I hear and replay all of the broken promises that were broken even before they left the lips of the people uttering them.


So, you can imagine that this can get tiresome. It was sorta like I had pain OCD because my mind would not constantly replay the good episodes, it was only the ones that caused my knees to buckle that my brain had on repeat. Maybe it was a defense mechanism...keeping the pain fresh in my mind so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. But it had the opposite effect; I typically fell into the same situation, scenario, relationship because I couldn't mentally edit the outcome. So, I had to try and physically alter the outcome by proving to myself that if placed in the almost exact situation again, I would come away with different results.

Well, you should know how that worked for me.

Yup, it got me a whole bunch of new painful episodes for my brain to replay.


So, I developed another way to deal with the issues of remembering so much: I stopped listening and participating. I only listen to half of what people tell me so when I go to process the info later on, I can't because it doesn't make sense. I only participate 50% in a relationship so I am very rarely forced to "show-up." How can I, I only remember half of what was said and half of that I have edited to fit my needs.

And while this new technique works to a certain degree, it does nothing for the syndicated programs that play daily in my head. How do I pull the plug on them? How do I turn them off. How do I let the real healing begin? Because I can't stop treating Jack Sprat like Jack Benimble if I am reliving my relationship with Jack every second of the day.


I wonder if I can't forget because I haven't forgiven or if I can't forgive because the images are so etched in my mind and heart.... I don't know. But I have started trying something new, because you know what they say....

I have started forgetting not so good events in my life as soon as they happen and you know what, I find that I don't have a need to forgive because I can't even remember actually why I was upset in the first place. I have also started giving most people the benefit of the doubt and not instantly believing they meant to cause me harm. This has also eliminated my need to forgive because if it wasn't done maliciously, there is no need to sweat it, so I just let it roll right off my back and on out the door.

No need to make a sitcom out of a doomed pilot.

"They tell us that we should forgive and forget, it is the Christian way. But how do you forgive if you can't forget the hurt and pain that were caused by the deed? How do you forget something that you are trying so hard not to forgive? I guess the real question would be: how do you progress forward when you steady holding on to what's behind you?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz i Surely Do (smooches)

Musing to Myself

What is your deepest fear, besides fear?

How is it that a four letter word has so much power over you?

It's funny that things that would scare the bejeezbees out of most people, you tackle with ease.

So much progress has been made...

ON THE SURFACE.

However, not much has been made underneath. Underneath you still are cautious of what you say and who you say it to. You still guard your intimate thoughts from those surrounding you. You still let things fester and boil until they explode once you can't take any more.

They say one will continue revisiting a certain trial until the lesson is learned. So what lesson is it that you are missing with Safeway? Why is he still lurking around your door?

Why is it that you are constantly battling with the person you used to be and the person you want to be? You were not happy with the old you because it was so different from the previous you and so far off the mark of the you, you wanted to become....but what now....what's stopping you?

I think it's the fear of being hurt. The fear of failure, of missing the mark. The fear of being misinterpreted and misunderstood. The fear of being totally exposed. The fear of letting myself down again.

I crave love, like the flowers crave rain. I have been searching for it for what seems like my entire life. I remember that I always hooked up with dudes less than because well, I never really had any reasons to expect for it to last and therefore was never shocked when it ended. I always looked for the bad boys, the outcasts, the misfits...the one time I took a chance on a NICE GUY well look how it ended. I let him in...all the way in...I loved him more than I knew I was capable of loving....I changed for him, for me because I wanted to keep him, wanted to make him happy...I wanted to be happy. And it turns out that it's true, your family and love ones can hurt you worse than anybody else.

I am still confused about why he did the things that he did...when we are together, it still feels so magical, so cinderella-ish. But, I am not searching for answers, I am searching for ways to pay him back, to hand him his heart on a platter, to break him down and make him live the life of never trusting another soul, of never wanting anyone else to get close to him. I am looking to give Karma a ride on my back.

The old me is rejoicing and is plotting and planning. The me in progress is not so thrilled. She just wants some clarity on the situation. She wants to know why he is so concerned all of a sudden...so attentive...so like he was when we first met. She wants to know what he gains from collecting broken hearts. From hurting her, me, them other girls.

Why am I so afraid to be loved...to let someone else in...I mean there is a 50/50 chance it will go well and a 50/50 chance that history will repeat itself. Why am I so resistant to change and personal growth when it is on somebody else's time-table and not by my watch?

I mean being in this rut these past 10 years has not gotten me anywhere. I have very lil to show for it but what I do have to show for it, speaks volumes to my character, to my resilience, to my determination to keep trying until my visions are tangible.

But, I still feel like I am that little hamster on the metal-wheel-around thinking I am gaining on something when I really am rotating around the same madness.

"Life lessons shape us, mode us, and form us into better than before people, when we step past the fear and allow life to do it's thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)