The Best Me....

Means letting go of fears and negativity while standing in my purpose.  Yup, easier said than done, but it's doable.

It's doable!  Yes Yes Yes  and mo' Yes.  I am claiming it, not just for me but for you as well.  You can and shall walk in your purpose. 

It's amazing what happens when you change your perspective about things and how the things around you start to change, no srsly.   Ha, let me stop.

I hated my life and everyone and everything in it and around it.  I allowed Satan and his minions rob me of my joy.  His minions were folks in my family,  folks in my building, folks on my block, folks at my child's school, folks on the bus, folks in my sister circle, just folks everywhere.  These folks were trying to get me off my square, make me lose focus and for a time there, they were winning, but then I stopped and was like enough is enough.

I was sick and tired of lying in my own waste.  I was knee deep in crap and as I tried to turn around in it, I realized that most of the manure didn't even belong to me.  I was holding on to anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, despair, betrayal, sadness,etc etc that didn't even have anything to really do with me.  And for the stuff that did, why was I carrying it around like a piss soaked homeless blanket?

I mean I was mad that I was poor. 

I was mad that I was sick.

I was mad that folks didn't love me. 

But, my being mad didn't change anything.

It was time for me to put all that negativity in a dumpster and be done with it.

So, I started really consciously loving on me.  Really loving on and speaking life into me.  Now, I ain't going to lie, this was hard because I was going through a really bad breakup and I really didn't want to get up let alone boost myself up; but, it had to be done.

If I wasn't going to love on me, how was I expecting MK or anybody else to love on me?  Try as we might, it just doesn't work like this.

I started getting in the mirror and having my own pep rally.  "Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay.  She is fierce, she is funny, she has a whole lot of money.  She is sexy to the core and she doesn't keep score of who loves who the best.  She loves her life especially her kid, she loves her big ole house and the peace and quiet and the job that pays her beyond very well.   Team Luv is generous and loyal too she is happy yes so happy because her world is no longer blue.  Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay." (Don't laugh, cuz it is working)

I started reminding myself what a bad mammajamma I was.  Before I walked into situations where I knew before I had felt less than either because I knew my money was short, or folks wouldn't think I was light enough to be included in the "pretty crew,"  I told myself that I was a Queen, I was rich beyond compare, that my money ran long and that my beauty was flawless because I did wake-up like this, no fillers, contouring, makeup, concealers, this was just naturally me.  (or some variation of this)  And on the occasions that I did this, it was amazing how folks' greetings or comments would mimic some of the words I had spoke in my affirmation before joining them.

Perspective.

I started traveling with the few coins I had and being thankful in the moments that I did have.  I went to the Dominican Republic where most folks make $5 a day.  That is $150 a month.  I get more than that in foodstamps.  I mean I am poor, but buying a Coke ain't going to cause me to evaluate life goals.  I am not over here saying, now if I buy this Coke, can I still put gas in my car or buy some food to feed Snoopy aka The Child formerly known as Chucky.  And when the foodstamps run out, I still have enough coins to get him something other than flour and water to eat.   I may not be balling out like folks around me, but I ain't living on the streets selling my body for my next meal either.  To a lot of folks in these other places I have visited, I am rich.

Perspective.

I am sick but I am not wheelchair bound;  I can walk and run, even if it does cause me pain.  I am not blind;  I get to see the sun rise and set.  I do not need a tube in my stomach to eat;  I can chew and taste at will.  I can hear the whining of Snoopy without the aid of a hearing device.  I can touch and feel my love's face in-between my hands.   Thank you Jah!!!   I may not be well, but I am far from really being sick.

Perspective.

Slowly but surely, as I have implored these little changes in my life, things in and around my life have changed.  My cash flow has grown.  My health has improved.  And people's love for me has blossomed.  

My season and breakthrough is here and all I had to do was change what my mind's eye focused on!!!

"Live your life like you are already living the life of your dreams, change your perspective and focus on the positive and watch how your dreams suddenly become your reality."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

It is time...Circle of Life

So, you might want to take your bathroom break, fix your coffee, put on your pjs, finish playing Ruzzle and get settled because you may be here for awhile.  This one has the makings of being a long one, especially since I have been writing this since March 10th.  After failed attempts of trying to publish, I just mentally blogged it...rewrote it....etc. etc.  But something tells me that today is the day...

Today I came across an article about forgiveness that made my eyes water.  It just spoke to my soul, not because it was deep, but because it exposed a simple truth that I had been dancing around for 13 years now.       I have been stuck in time, stuck at the age of 23 because I refuse to forgive and let go.  This refusal has stunted my professional, emotional, financial, mental and social growth.

How do you forgive someone for making a mistake so fatal that it caused your entire life to be turned upside down?  Caused all the hope you had and represented to be blotted out over the span of 3 weeks.  3 weeks that haunt me faithfully every year.

But I am tired....not a good combination when they tell you that your time is running out.

I have no will to fight...but yet I fight because it is ingrained in me.  It is what I do.  It is what I know.  I am the proud survivor of Chicago's Southside where fighters and achievers are made.

I am kinda an oxymoron.  A real life contradiction.  The things I want, I give away.  The things I despise, I hold on to.  It's like I am punishing myself.  Punishing myself to remind me of that misstep of putting my trust in someone 13 years ago.

I wasn't always like this.  I remember when I used to open my mail on a regular basis.  I remember when I used to pay all of my bills and before they were due.  I never believed folks when they told me bills started showing up in different colored envelopes when they were past due.  Now, I am not only a believer but a collector of the rainbow threat letters.  (shrugs) I remember when I took care in choosing my outfits even if they were slightly wrinkled.  I remember when I was the rock for most of my friends and family, the one they knew without a doubt they could count on.  I remember facing my problems head on, come hell or high waters I was digging in my boots and standing my ground.

Those memories seem like a lifetime ago.

Four years ago, I started this blog because I was tired of pining over a love lost.  I was tired of trying to sleep and baking soda myself to death.  I was tired of waiting for God to wake me up from this neverending nightmare.  I was tired of feeling broken and full of hatred and despair.  I was tired of suppressing my emotions and keeping folks at bay.  I had given up hope on finding the one person I had been looking for and decided it was time to leave my exclusive pity party and get on with my life. I mean I had to.  I had Chucky and Chucky's bride to care for.

That was four years ago and though I have made leaps and bounds and knocked mountains back down to molehills, I am still not where I want to be...still not walking in my purpose... still not fully me.

Many folks who think they know me don't even realize they know a shell of me...

Few know that I was raped.

Even fewer know that I was the mother of twins.

Twins that I fought for even though they were the product of a heinous crime.

Twins that made me stronger than I ever thought I could be....

Twins that made me lose hope in all humanity.

But that wasn't the problem.  I had never really trusted humanity.  Humans were dust like me.

When I loss those babies, I lost my hope and my faith in God.

That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for a God-fearing Christian like myself.  God was my everything.  My end all to be all.  The source of my joy and the reason I had hope.  I believed that God could move mountains and that He could and would do anything for those living their life right.

Then I had my wake-up call and my world didn't just crumble, it imploded.  All at once.  One day I felt that I could take on the world and achieve anything I put my mind to as long as I put God first, and the next day I just wanted to curse God and die.  But I wasn't that crazy, so instead I just stopped living.  Stopped participating in life and just put my head down and allowed myself to be tossed and thrown whichever way the wind blew.  When I finally decided to look up, I was appalled at what I had subjected myself to.

I had engaged in unhealthy sexual escapades.  Hooking up with dudes I didn't know and didn't care to know.

I had stopped paying my bills and was working jobs that didn't cover my basic needs.

I had stopped communicating with the Faithful 10 and was so disconnected I didn't even know how to get in touch with some of them again.

I hadn't opened a piece of mail in over 7 years.

I had missed a lot of important milestones in the lives of folks I really and truly cared about.

I had allowed myself to be wronged on many occasions and never spoke up.

I had a baby with a married boy cuz he surely wasn't a man.

I had allowed myself to be surrounded by negative, gossiping, self-righteous, fake people.  And if you knew anything about me, you knew I was allergic to folks like that...it was like me putting on corduroy in 100 degree weather...a huge no-no.

I had not only dimmed my light, I had shut that bad boy off and was afraid to knock the dust off to see if it still worked.  To see if I still possessed greatness because I was never mediocre.

Something had to give.

I wasn't happy and I wasn't dying...or at least I didn't know I was dying.
I just was tired of living the way I was living.  I hated being unhappy and being around unhappy people.  I hated walking around feeling so hopeless like a penny with a hole in it. (yeah you know the song)  I hated that I didn't know myself when I looked in the mirror, IF I looked in the mirror.  I hated using the fact that I was poor confine me to a mental prison.  I hated everything about who I had become and just wished the old me would show up and rescue me, because that is what she did.  She was Supersaveaho and here it was she couldn't even save herself.

I was tired and sick and tired of being tired.  And you know they say that's when you finally get up and do something about your situation...when you get sick and tired of being tired.  And I guess "they" are right.  Because I did something.

I cut off my hair.

That's right.  The last thing that identified me with the old me, I chopped off.  Boy ole boy the reactions I got were astounding.  I think folks thought I had finally snapped and lost what little sanity I had left.  Folks were offering to send me to treatment. Concerts.  Vacations.  Whatever it would take to snap me back right.

Ha! But I didn't need them.  I mean where were they the last 10 years I had been pining away.  Why weren't they encouraging me to seek help then?  All I needed, I already had.

I needed God and I needed me...but in the reverse order because I always do things backwards and well that's what works for me, so that is what I am going to stick to.

I cut my hair off to force myself to deal with me.  To see me.  To save me.  To center me.  I was going back to the middle.  I was taking off the masks and doing away with anything else I could hide behind or disappear within.  My hair was like a fail proof conversation piece...kinda like when you put a hat on an non-attractive baby (don't act like they don't exist).  You are saved from lying about how cute the baby is by talking about how cute the hat or the baby's clothes are.  The same with my hair. Folks were saved from focusing on how sad and dead I looked by focusing on how nice my hair was...hair that I had to get permed every five weeks due to the naps that appeared that didn't allow a comb to go through.  Hair that sucked money from my already non-existent cash flow.  Hair that I had been hiding behind for 10 years.

I cut my hair off and the first thing I noticed was that was my naps were curls.  Duh, I mean after all I did have Indian in my blood.  And not none of that 12 lines removed Indian either.  My greatgrandmother was full-blood Indian and her husband was Indian and French.  Why the woman that birthed me is high yellow with sandybrown hair and eyes. The next thing I noticed was my head wasn't as huge as I imagined. And that it was a shame that I had allowed fear to stop me from cutting my hair off for so long.

I now wondered what else had I allowed fear to stop me from doing.

Fear is a crippling thing.  It will have your peeping behind doors and hiding under cars.  Fear of being hurt ever again had me living the life of a bag lady.  I had emotional bags.  I had mental bags. I had physical bags.   Ha, hurt my back, I was hurting my entire life carrying those bags around with me and honey, like I said, I was tired.  My body was shutting down.  I was having pains and experiencing paralysis that the doctors couldn't explain.

 Something had to give.

So I went and talked to a Quack... lol, I love him so.  He is so good at what he does when he says nothing and just lets me figure it out on my own because when he opens his mouth, lawd knows he be way out in left field somewhere.  9 times out of 10, we already know the answer, know what we have to do, sometimes we just need a little encouragement...sometimes we just need to know that we have someone in our corner.  Even if it's because they are getting paid to be there.  But that wasn't really the case with him....his money has long since stop coming for me and he is still here, being a thorn in my side.  Though we are going on 4 years, there are only a few things that he has said that has really stuck with me...made me pause, reflect, meditate and act.  I think the most powerful thing is what he asked me, said to me in one of our earlier sessions when I had slipped up and opened up to him.

"Do you think by holding on to the hurt, pain, frustration and every detail about the situation validates your experience?"

In other words,  was I refusing to let go of all things and people that had wronged me or caused me pain because I felt that would lessen the validity of my claim that I had been hurt or wronged?  That was deep.  I had never questioned why I was dragging around accountings of what had happened to me when I was four, who did it, what they said, what they had on, etc. etc. People are going to be people and with that being said, people are going to lie.  They are going to lie even if they caught on tape so what difference did it make if I verbally regurgitated play by play what went down some 20 years ago?  The more I chewed on it, the more I realized that fear prevented me from letting go.  Fear of forgetting who and what had wronged me and thus allowing space and opportunity for them to wrong me again.

I couldn't live in fear any more.

I planned a cross-country trip with the hopes of conquering one of my biggest fears of all-times.  My fear of unsafe heights.  If I could overcome that, I knew I could overcome just about anything.  I thought the test would be driving along the top of the mountains, and though that was a challenge at times, the true test came when we walked along the top of the Grand Canyon.  Jesus had to be a fence, a weight-holder, a pacemaker, and some more stuff.  I thought I would be okay because we could walk at our own pace and didn't necessarily have to look down.  Yeah, all it took was for someone to pass me and force me closer to the edge than was comfortable for me to set me off.  Next thing I knew, I was off the beaten path, in the woods, on higher ground on all fours.  That's right, I was crawling in the dirt like a lunatic.  But now, I am faced with more problems because the Grand Canyon is in the desert which is also home to the rattlesnakes, which the tour guide had warned us about.  And I am higher than the path so I can see straight down into the Canyon. So of course now my bronchitis kicks in and I am having a hard time breathing in the thin air.  Oh, and of course now I have to pee.  So I am crawling, panting and shaking from side to side. Yup, I am sure I was a sight to see, in fact I know I was because my cousin, who was still on the path was pointing at me laughing and stating to me the obvious that now I was higher up than they were. Duh, I guess that was why I could see the top of all of their heads.  Any who, I decided that enough was enough.  I was too grown to be about to pee on myself because I was too petrified to stand up and walk back down to the path. I also didn't want to have to fight no rattlesnake or scorpion or any other poisonous wildlife. I was tired of being a prisoner to fear.  A fear that I had inherited and it was going to end right there.  Either because I was attacked by wildlife and died or because I pushed pass, through, under, around my fear and got on with my life.

I prayed. Then I stood up and walked back down to the path and quickly through the next 4 or so miles of sightseeing magnificence to the waiting tour bus.  I made it.  It might not have been pretty, but it was done.

Next up was my mail.  I was embarrassed about the bags and bags of mail I had in my house.  I didn't want folks to think I was keeping bags of trash so I just didn't invite people over who weren't related to me.  And even some of them couldn't get in.  But it was time for me to tackle that...but I was afraid.  Afraid I had missed important dates, had more bills I couldn't pay, etc. etc.  You see how stupid fear will have you acting?  Duh, it was 10 years worth of mail.  Of course there were going to be bills and all kinds of stuff I had missed out on in there.  Me not opening it wasn't preventing that, it was just prolonging me finding out the inevitable.  So thankful for my cousin who volunteered to come over and get me started.  We got through 6 bags in about 8 hours.  The other four...yeah, that's not so simple.

So I had conquered my fear of heights and tackled my fear of opening my mail, which symbolized so much more because I stopped opening my mail the day after the second twin died.  So what was next?

Next up was confronting the rapist.  Yeah, I had figured I had been avoiding that long enough and I really didn't believe in taking baby steps.  If I was going to take the band-aid off, I might as rip it all the way off.  No need to be gentle.  Being gentle had me existing in a zombie state for over about 10 years.  I won't rehash that encounter because I know I already blogged about it....I will just say that a huge weight was lifted from my life when I did that.  It didn't matter that he was a jerk and that his words confirmed that he was still a jerk.  What mattered is that his words prevented me from escaping into the reality I had created about the situation. His words made me accept that what I had always known was true.  That he had raped me and that it was nothing that I could have done differently outside of not letting him in.  And well, I can't change the fact that I did.

Since confronting him, I have been able to get rid of most of my emotional, mental and even physical baggage.  I have forgiven and I have let go.  That's right because I know my HIM is coming for me and I want to be able to get on the bus with ease when he arrives.

I am the happiest I have been in a very long time but I am still not there.  I still seek out shelter behind temporary masks.  Whether it be big baggy clothes.  Big hair.  Big attitudes.  What have you. I am still running and hiding from something...from someone.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of a lot of things for me.  It used to be the beginning of the end.  The day may heart cracked...the day the doctor stated I would die.  He was wrong. I died 3 weeks later.

Something has to change.  I am tired.  My body is tired.  My soul is tired.  And the doctors are saying I don't have that long to live.  They say if I make it out of May I am doing good.  Ha, I told them they need to recalculate because I have plans that I have already spent my money on in June.  And I am not one to waste money.  I have cancer.  But I don't believe them, even though they recently removed a tumor from my body. (shrugs) I am bigger than cancer.  I can beat cancer.

But....

I am not sure I can beat me.

How do you forgive someone for making a mistake so fatal that it caused your entire life to be turned upside down?  Especially when that someone is you?  I was the cause of my downfall.  I made the decision against my better judgment to let the rapist come stay with me.  I made the decision to allow him to enjoy life while I suffered in silence for all of those years.  I made the decision to not seek therapy because of fear of finding out that I had joined the ranks of most of my family and was now certifiably mentally unstable.  I made the decision to eat all that baking soda which has deposited metal throughout my body and poisoned my bloodstream.  I made the decision to have a baby with someone who was married and immature.  I made the decision to stop opening my mail and paying my bills. I made the decision to allow folks access to my life that don't deserve to be there.  I made the decision to turn my back on God because I felt I could make it just fine without His help.  I did it.  Yes, there were extenuating circumstances but I still made choices.  I chose to give up rather than do what I was known for doing, holding up my guards and rolling with the punches.

The doctors say some of the tumors have been growing for about 13 years.  Poetic irony don't you think?  All I need to do to beat this is to take my meds and eat raw veggies for a period of time.  But what if they are wrong?  I have been wrong before and it cost me my life figuratively.  I am not ready to lose my literal life. Not yet, not when I am have just reconnected with myself.

I have been punishing myself systematically for 13 years.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I did all that I could do and I lost. But how do you reconcile that your best wasn't good enough when your motto is 'failure is never an option' ?  Well, running, hiding and avoiding the situation surely aren't the best options seeing how that hasn't worked for me in 13 years.

I have to make peace with myself so that I can make peace with God and something tells me that this may be  my last shot.  Games tied.  Balls in my hand.  Do I dribble or do I shot?

Tomorrow is when my heart broke some 13 years ago.  Tomorrow is when I am choosing to finally mend that broken heart.  I will be picking up the pieces the best way I know how.  I will be living and embracing the pain and hurt and whatever else I may feel.  I will own it fully and then I will let it go. I don't need it any more.  I get it.  I messed up.  I went against my gut and lost.  Life happens.  I did something very few women are able to do even though many fantasize about it.  I carried two babies at the same time. I was the mother of twins even if very few people know it.

Tomorrow I will be celebrating life and I will continue to due so over the next 3 weeks.  Ending it with a private memorial service, for my babies and for myself.  I know some are probably lost and wondering why I   will do it for 3 weeks.  Well, my babies came 3 weeks a part, one in April and the other in May, which is why it would also be poetic justice if I died in the month that I had figuratively died in some 13 years ago. But it's not going to happen.

It can't. I am too close to true happiness.  Too close to finding my forever.  I can feel it.  I just don't know how to get to it.  I am afraid to take that first step.  But like I said, I am tired so I have no choice but to do it.  Tomorrow, I will face fear head on and set the tone for the rest of my life.

I am done running and not just because I am tired.  But because it is time for me to take my rightful place.  It is time for me to return to the circle of life before my circle completes itself without me.

I am from the Southside of Chicago, where fighters and achievers are made.  It is time that I start back acting like it.

"Sometimes the greatest act of forgiveness is to forgive yourself.  Falling down is never the hard part, it's the getting back up."

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~gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do ....... Smooches

ps.  for the ones that know me, this would not be a time to overwhelm me with calls, etc.  I was dealing with all of this yesterday and the day before and the day before that...just act regular.  I appreciate genuine behavior.

Relax, Relate, Reflect ~ Day 7

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the finest of them all? You gots that right, it's ME!!!! If you can't tell, I am really feeling myself right now, and well it's about dang ole' time.

I have learned a lot about myself this last week, this last month. It's funny that this 31 day reset came at a time in my life when I was doing just that...I was turning back the hands of time. I was relinquishing old baggage. I was forgiving and letting go. I was getting out of my own way because something in my soul is telling me that my breakthrough is near... I can smell it....oooh I can taste it!!!

So, this last week I have to say that I was happy to see the changes that had already set in motion were really seeping to my heart. I told myself that I was going to look in the mirror and regardless of what I saw, I was going to deal with it for what it was absent of emotions. So, when I faced difficult assignments, I didn't feel the need to procrastinate or shut down because I didn't let my feelings get the best of me. What has been done, is done. I can't do anything about it but accept it, learn from it and move on... and I'se a moving!!!!

I would say that the most enjoyable assignment for me was writing the love letter to myself. It just put a smile on my face. I am not sure why, but it's proof that I have learned to love Luv in a way that I haven't been able to love in a long time.

"I may not be where I want to be in life...or even where I need to be...but I am still here and I am still moving and still learning which means I am still living, and one day I will look up and see that I have reached my destiny."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Taking the next step ~ Day 6

Day 6, wow, I have consistently blogged for six days....that's a huge victory for me because it means that I had enough mental space to sit down and do something other than fade into the background for six days in the row... go me! Moving out of my own way has been the biggest blessing.

So today we are supposed to etch in stone our mission statement of who we are and/or who we would like to become.


I am the love that I see in my ICE, I am the openess and warmth that I feel when I visit my family in Tennessee, I am the easy-going neighbor down the hall, I am not Bill Gates' rich, but I am financially stable and happy to know that not only am I providing for my family but I have a little left over for the fun things in life. I am stepping past, over, around fear. I will no longer hide my brilliance because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am loving, learning, living, forgiving, and letting things go and covering it all with LOVE. I am loving Luv unconditionally, faults and all. I am cutting her some slack because she is not perfect even though she tries to be. I am embracing the day and getting the most out of it because tomorrow is not promised to me or to those that I care about the most...and what I don't get done today, I will gladly give it the *Kanye shrug* and make time for it the next day, and if the next day doesn't come, oh well, I will know that I lived the day to it's fullest. I am walking a more steadfast, a more heartfelt, a more faith-building walk with God and trusting that He has me even when I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am running my own bakery and it's very successful (please click "like" -----> ) I am so focused on my own walk that I do not see or hear the naysayers traveling around me. I am happy and free!


"Who I am today, is not who I was yesterday, and neither are the woman I will be tomorrow."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Dear Luv ~ Day 3

Dear Luv,

Life for you hasn't been a crystal, let alone a metal stair; nevertheless, you have fought the good fight and you have come out on top. I love the way you have taken control of your life and either completely gotten rid of folks that mean you harm or limited their access to you. I love the way you have changed the way you interact with your son and your niece. I love the way that you take time out each and everyday to give thanks to Jah for allowing you more time to get your life right and for you to be able to see the blessings in being you. I love your unstoppable spirit and that contagious smile.

I love how you are taking the necessary steps to take care of your health..I know it can be scary to do it alone but just think about how much happier Chucky gonna be knowing you will get to harass him for a lot more years. I love that you are eating healthier and not just making the kids eat healthier. I love how you have completely kicked your addiction to Baking Soda and Baking Powder.

I love how you are now utilizing your legal and English degree to help provide the financial security that you had been longing for. I love how you are using your education to help others.

I love how your are getting your finances in order by paying the bills that you can on time to build up your credit. I love how you switched from a big named carrier to a prepaid to free up more money that could go towards taking care of the kids. I love how you are still able to save up for a rainy day.

I love how you are handling running your own business why working a full-time job and starting up a non-profit... You are my shero.. You give me goosebumps when I think of all that you do.

I love how you are waiting on love and no longer panicking or feeling jealous or envious when you see individuals in what appears to be loving relationships....your time is coming. I love how you are so committed to reacquainting yourself with Luv, self-love is a beautiful thing. I love how you have accepted that your family will probably never change and can NEVER change what and how they have treated you in the future but that you can and have set up boundaries for them now. I also love how you are there for your friends who are also going through it, you have such a big heart and I know someone with an even bigger heart is gonna come sweep you off your feet..

Stay true to yourself Luv, Stay true to your walk with God, Stay true to LOVE and you shall be alright

Smooches to yah,

Luv

"If you can't love yourself or see better for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? Change your outlook and everyone else will adjust accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Picking Up The Pieces

The first time I heard this song I burst into tears. I had been feeling some kinda way for a minute and was looking for something that could verbalize the feelings of insecurity, frustration, longing, despair, hope, love....yes ball of confusion that was taking over my body and turning me into an emotional wreck.

It's hard because every situation, encounter, person, event, and experience has the potential of shading the windows to our soul... the color of that hue can impact our life more than the event itself. Having a lasting choke hold impact on your future, making you react to situations in manners that's not your norm. It can also force you to seek out situations that you know are not beneficial for you so that you can validate your now preconceived notion about something. It forces you to hold on to pain and constantly seek situations that will not only reinforce that pain but validate why you should stop trying to see things any other way.


I have had a helluva life. There are times that I get up and wonder why the heck me. There are times that I get up and wonder why my clock has not expired yet...what more pain, turmoil, persecution do I have to go through before I get a reprieve. But, my life could be much worse. Much, Much worse. I know this, but I really don't care because I am in the midst of the storm and it feels like I am being struck by lightening every waken moment. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of strides...leaps and bounds this past year. I have unloaded a lot of dead weight. I still shake my head in disbelief at how much peace came to my life after I confronted the rapist. Has me over here trying to figure out who and what else I need to confront so I can elevate to the next level because I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be. I refuse to believe it even though the dirt on my glasses makes it hard for me to see any other way or life for me.

I have struggled with low self-esteem off and on throughout my entire life. I know when it was introduced and when it was reinforced and when it was validated...I don't know how to get rid of it. The surface stuff I have gotten control of..cuz yeah I am the flyyest of the fly when I am flying solo... The problem comes in when it's time to establish something that's deeper than superficial. When I have to make my "representative" look somewhat like what's behind all of these masks. When I have to become emotionally available and vulnerable.

I can't.. well I can..but I can't be consistent. I get afraid and I run. I retreat. I delete and block on facebook and twitter. I do all sorts of silly things that makes it looks like I ain't ready when I am. I also become attracted to guys who aren't available. People who have no interest in waiting for me to pick up the pieces so they can understand how they fit. And it's slowly driving me over the edge. I know my worth...I know my worth...I know my worth...but sometimes I am too afraid to show it.

My current lust interest is as fickle as me and it frustrates me...I don't want fickle, I want something that will last forever..from infinity and beyond.


"There comes a time when we have to take off those rose and smut covered glasses and wipe them clean and start seeing things for what they presently are and not for what they were...living in the moment without letting the Past shape the outcome or the experience."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

So they tell me...

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you vulnerable..you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)




I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it do...so when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)




Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.


So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had possibly tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to Celie me at her Richmond concert.


So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Getting Out of My Head....

.......AND OUT OF MY OWN WAY!!!!!






I have been "head blogging" for a minute now which has caused me to DOUBLE POST. (Kanye triple posts..lol)


Oh, well, such is life. This is my space, so if you don't like it, I am sure you know where the "next" button is.




I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. I was on facebook and one of my old homies changed his status to something about "if you missed it before, here's your chance to ask any question you want and I will answer truthfully."

So me, being me, I inboxed him and asked "Are you gay?" Now, I have never ever thought he was gay. He was too much of a whore in highschool for the thought to ever cross my mind. I just wanted to mess with him and to see what his off-based, off-colored, out of order response was going to be?

And his response ...well let's just say that I am glad he didn't go into detail on why he liked the female genitalia. He then asked me, why I asked him that...did I think he was gay. Of course I told him that I was just messing with him and that I even had another question that I was going to ask him but..um I didn't ask it.

I choked. Well it wasn't that I choked as much as I wasn't sure I would be able to digest the response had it been negative; therefore I chose a question that would not jeopardize my well-being in any way. So yeah I choked. So to make up for me choking I asked him if he wanted to return the favor and ask me anything and I would answer honestly.

So, he asks me if I wrote in his senior yearbook in a purple pen. WTW? Um, I don't know. Which is weird cuz I have a beastly memory. So I tell him, "I don't know...what did it say?" He responses..."some freaky stuff" WTW.. Now I am frantically trying to remember if it was me and if so, what did I write, but um, in high school I was pretty much like I am now when it comes to freakiness I KEEPS IT ON THE LOW so I wouldn't have out-ed myself like that...esp in high school. I was still proud to be president of the V Club. So I tell him, "if it was freaky it probably wasn't me..but why you think to ask?" His response, "because I remembered you like purple"

And guess what yall, I did and I still do. Who knew he paid so much attention to me. I mean some of the Faithful Ten don't even know about my love affair with purple...or rather they choose to forget. I mean this was my boy. We ran with the same gang so we were cool. And I was a tomboy, so yeah we were doubly cool.

The thing is, I used to have a crush on him and never told him because of how I thought he and everyone else viewed me. I thought his response would have been the same as that skinny peg head Snoop dog rejectl ookalike (sorry having a moment). So I never told him or showed it. Even though I thought at times that he was feeling me. But now I was curious to know...just as I was curious to know when I first saw his status and went to ask him before my nerves got the best of me....

I looked at our back and forth and I said to myself, "Luv, we are changing...we are growing.. we are moving out of our own way, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. What does it matter what his response is now to something that took place a decade ago.. You don't want him now AND he married with 3 kids, so he bet not want you. It is time to step pass fear."

So I FB'd back "did you use to have a crush on me?" and I pressed send. There was nothing to do but wait, or not. Before I could decide what to do and let fear paralyze my heart, his response was delivered to my inbox.

And low and behold if he didn't admit that he did have a crush on me and that "they" thought I was cute but that I was a good girl and that "they" didn't want to ruin me or bring me down to their level.

WTW...you mean all this time I had been going around thinking that dudes weren't approaching me because they thought I was ugly AND they really wasn't approaching me because of the standards that I set for myself and maintained? You mean that dudes really can tell your worth and will respect it when you respect it first? You mean that a lot of this pain, anguish, and frustration I have experienced since high school could have been avoided had I just held onto my standards and stayed out of my head?


For my word..


"Sometimes we can be the cause of our greatest downfall."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

But I don't know how.


I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:


how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

If You Ask Me I'm.....

ALMOST ready.

Yup, not quite ready yet, but I am more ready than I have been in a very long time. But, I am still not fine tuned and I ain't afraid to say that I am not courting material just yet. I still need to work on me... AND that's what Luv's going to continue to do.

I want love so bad that I can taste it in my loins...it keeps me up nights sweating, crying and longing. I can feel it cover me, embrace me, caress me....

But, I still don't quite see it, clearly. It is still a haze. I am still undecided about some things and well, when I take that walk down that aisle, I don't want my train to be hiding my baggage that I am dragging behind me. I want to be free as a bird from majority, if not all of the things that have caged me.

I am still not the me that I say I am..and until then, I can not be the me that I need to be for me or for anyone else. But, I am getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say. There is less double talk, even to the people that matter the least. I used to give you as much hot air that I could fill your head with, just enough for you to walk away thinking you knew it all when you really knew nothing.

I am speaking my mind with no apologies..unfiltered but not brash. There was a time when I went for the finishing move right off the break. You would send the lobby and I would slam it back to you daring you to hit it back. I was ruthless...I was cold...I was guarded...I was who I needed to be at the time to survive.

I don't need to be her any more. I don't want to be her any more. There is so much more to me than that and the more I love myself the more I know that more changes are necessary in order for me to fully transform.

Not just letting go and letting God. Just letting go period. Letting go of the insecurities that are often self-imposed then superimposed on someone else's opinion of me.

I used to cyberstalk my HIM's page....ain't ashamed..made it easier for me to start catching him in his lies. And believe me there were lies...lots of them. And he still lies but, I have less of a need to prove he is lying, now. It doesn't even matter. He doesn't even matter. I matter. I know that he played me and well I can't change it, so why be ashamed of it. I loved me some him and he, well he loved that I loved me some him and then became frightened by my love because he wasn't in a place to receive it, and he played my face, trying to force my hand to leave.

Relationships are never about the other person. It's always about you and what you need to do to get to a point where you can live with yourself. And right now, I am still easily frustrated when talking to SupaDave and to the others. So this lets me know there are still things I need to come to grips with about myself. And well before this news would depress me...me thinking there is always something and that I ain't never going to get right...but now I embrace it, and welcome it because I can definitely see my growth. I see and feel the love as I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how sexy and beautiful I am.

So, I am still trying on new skins..trying to find that close to perfect fit...and once I find it, I know that I will be ready to receive what God has in store for me. And trust, he won't have to ask me if I am ready...it'll be written all over my face.

"Self love is amazing. The more you love yourself, the more you will remove yourself from people, things and places that are counter-productive to where you need to be. Discoverying who I am has turned out to be a pleasant journey."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Staying in the Moment

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'



I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.


I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?


I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.


I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.


I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.


I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.


"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Bare, Naked Truth

Being vulnerable isn't one of my strong points.


If I could have any super power that I wanted, I think I would ask for invincibility just so that I would never have to be vulnerable...EVER AGAIN!


I didn't always used to be this way...I didn't, you can ask my ICE. He just said to me the other day:

"What happened...you weren't always like this...I just don't understand."

Yes, I used to be sure about my decisions and about myself and about my value. I used to have haters galore.


It happened 10 years ago this time. Them babies. That entire ordeal. It just took everything good that I had left in me. It killed my spirit. It shattered my already broken foundation. It altered my reality...it damaged me beyond compare.

It is what it is. I do not try and make excuses for it. I do not try and burden people with my sorrow or my problems. I do not try and let people know how badly I am really hurting. But I will try and explain the method to my madness and rehash why that was the straw that broke Luv's back.

Yes, I had a horrific childhood. I know this and I had accepted this BUT what I didn't accept at the time was that I was unworthy of being loved and incapable of giving and receiving it. I had determined that my parents were too screwed up to effectively love anything else because they didn't even love themselves. I had determined this at the age of 7.

I don't drink because I don't think I would stop because quiet as it is kept, my father is/was an alcoholic. Not too sure what he is now because I ain't checking for him. I know the power of genetics. I know how much environment over nature can influence a person. I understood the dynamics of this probably by the age of 8.


I say all of this to say that I was very skilled at identifying the situations around me for what they were, processing them, and discarding them in such a fashion that they did not damage me...did not take away from my emotional cup.


I remember almost everything about my childhood, but this one incident stands out to me because it has always puzzled me why I held on to this memory...why it bothered me so. I was in first grade. My mother and father were going through one of their violent spells. My father tried to smash my mother's head in. My mother left. She eventually came back to get us. We were hiding out in my aunt's apartment. I remember that on most occasions that someone else would come pick us up from school because I don't think my mother wanted to chance meeting up with my father and they got to humbugging out in front of the school. But on this particular occasion, she got us herself. I remember we stopped at this grocery store where we ran into my 1st grade teacher. I remember my mother feeling some kinda way about running into my teacher. I don't know if it was because she was white or if it was because we stated we were going home and she made mention that she thought we lived elsewhere. I remember Ms. Lovely looking at my mother and patting her and telling her that if she needed anything...any type of assistance to just let her know. I remember my mother mumbling as we were getting into the car that we couldn't stop at that grocery any more on the way from school.


I think in that instance I learned that no matter what, you never let anyone know how bad it really is.


Fast forward: So, up until the incident with my twins, I had seen and learned a lot of dysfunction; but, I was able to insulate myself from its brunt force by believing that I could rise above the madness. That I could escape, scratchfree. I believed that once I got away from my parents and that environment that I would be okay. That people would instantly love me. That I would prove that I could and would be different. That I would love myself. (and I did) And most importantly that I would love my kids...but the powers that be were telling me that I wouldn't be able to have kids...so, I would just adopt...no need or time to cry about something I couldn't control I needed to keep that forward momentum.

I allowed this dude who I knew was sweet on me to come visit. He had been sweet on me for a long minute. When I was 16, I used to feel him undress me with his eyes. He was like 29. He didn't phase me, I was going to marry Michael Jordan. I had no time for little people. So, anyways, this dude had caught up with me on one of my many trips home and asked if he could stay with me if he came to visit the nation's capital. Yeah, why not? I had had plenty of dudes stay with me and nothing happen. There was no need for alarm, right? Plus, I wasn't 16 any more. I wish I could say that I didn't have any reservations, but I did. So much so that it prompted me to call this dude and ask what his intentions were, explaining that if he thought he was gonna get some, he should cancel his tix could he was gonna be severely disappointed. I told him that I didn't like him like that and that I was a virgin, saving it for my husband(I had been celibate for 2 1/2 years but he didn't need to know that). So he comes and the first night everything is cool. The second night he rapes me. I confide in some people and then try to push on. I didn't want people worrying about me and I partly blamed myself. I had doubts, I should have told him he couldn't come. Yes, no means no, but still....


Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with twins. I was soooooooooooooo excited. I charted and plotted everything about them. I was so in love. My pregnancy was very difficult. I found out that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world disguising themselves as intelligent people. While I was fighting for my babies lives, there were people praying that I would lose them since I wouldn't abort them because I must be out of my mind to want to have a rapist baby. (Funny, cuz I only looked at them as being MY BABIES) See, them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could love. Them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could be loved. Them babies were my chance to start my own family and break the cycle. To show that God hadn't forgotten about me and that He would allow some sunshine to shine on me...when them babies died it was like someone had turned out the lights.


When my babies died, I was lost. I didn't know what to hold on to as truth. I knew God could not try me with anything evil because HE is pure. But, I couldn't figure out why He allowed me to go through something so awful after all I had been through in life. I couldn't understand why He thought I could go through something so heinous, and all alone. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted to hurt me, when all I wanted out of life was to be happy. To love and to be loved. I couldn't understand why I was constantly turning the other cheek just to be crapped on again and again. So, as the days turned into months, I stopped talking to people. I just wanted to be left alone. If I was by myself, the only one who could treat me badly would be me. And being alone all the time, I started allowing the negativity that had been chasing me for so long to catch up with me. Then I stared listening to it, digesting it, and before long, I was believing and living it.


See, it's hard to make a person understand what I was before because a lot of them only can see what's in front of them. I am just a fraction of what I used to be. I mean, I was so fierce, I used to hate on myself. (smile) I used to travel on a shoestring budget. I used to give gifts straight from the heart. I used to have fun and really lived the mantra that what you thought of me was none of my business. I used to do so many things and I still can, and I will, it's just..

I see the way you look at me, I see the pity in your eyes, you feel sorry for me...for what? my story is not that different from someone else. We all go through our trials and tribulations. We all have to carry our own torture stake. I can't take your help because it comes with strings attached. I can't take your help because you don't really see me. You see this shell of me that stands before you, you don't see the me I used to be or the me that I am going to be. You don't see that you have yet to make me feel human, to make me feel connected.


I am vulnerable with my Ice because he knows my story. He does not pity me. He does not patronize me. He gives it to me straight, no chaser. He has seen what I can do. He believes in me. He loves me. He connects with me, letting me know he knows I am human.


"It's something about the human touch that can make a person feel safe, it's something about a smile that can lift the heaviest of spirits, it's something about tears that can cleanse the soul, it's something about letting go that will push us into the future."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's Been A Long Long Time Coming

And, it's time for me to stop numbing the pain.


It's funny because I don't even remember when I mastered the art of defusing pain. I know I have a high tolerance for physical pain...but I am not sure when I totally became numb to the emotional pain.


The memories used to haunt me, daily. Used to keep me up at night, shaking. I didn't want to close my eyes because I didn't want to slip into the realm where it felt like I was reliving it again. At least with my eyes open, I knew that I was just daydreaming and that the harsh realities of my visions had already come to pass.


I had forgotten the pain I felt growing up as me. I had forgotten what it felt like...I had forgotten how painful it was for me to be powerless in saving my babies..I had forgotten why the windows to my soul always looked like they had a murky haze on them.

I lost myself in my book. I lost myself in my job. I lost myself in worthless men. I lost myself in food. I lost myself in despair.


I know me and knew that something was heavy on my soul that needed to be addressed, but I could not pinpoint what it was. I thought it had to do with me blaming myself, so I discussed that but the feeling did not go away. I thought it was about me giving up on my child because I was taking his acting out so personally. So I discussed that but the feeling was still there. I thought it was this, I thought it was that...still no release from the tightness and the heaviness growing in my heart.

I had been planning on blogging about how Chucky and his bride were progressing. How the category 6 storm had downgraded to a tropical storm. How things were finally settling down and I was getting a lil' more peace in my house. But I received a text from my sister yesterday informing me that she will be coming to get Chucky Bride soon and that she is about to have yet another baby. And I immediately texted back asking her what is she going to do with this baby and asked about my nephew that is now 1 yrs old that she walked out the door with when he was two weeks old and never returned with. I mean you have 2 kids and someone else is caring for them...and now you about to have another. Birth control would not be the answer... neither would tying of her tubes. She is searching for love...searching for proof that she belongs, that she matters, that she is valued and that is when it hit me...


The last time I saw CQP, he hurt my feelings. He didn't try to, and I am sure he doesn't even realize that he did..but he did. We were going through the different issues that result in a person having self-value issues. I just couldn't wrap my head around why I didn't value myself especially with all that I had accomplished. So CQP broke it down for me about how terrible my childhood was...about basically how my parents failed at showing me that I was priceless and at showing me love...and then the peeps that did love and value me, they unfortunately weren't permanent features in my life...so I have been trying to reconcile my value ever since.

While he was talking and bringing up things I had told him that had happened to me, I felt a pain like I hadn't felt in a long time. I saw me at 4 and 5 crying myself to sleep in my bed. I heard my prayers to God asking HIM why did he choose these people to be my family. I saw myself comparing myself to others trying to figure out what was wrong with me...trying to see what I could do differently to get my parents to love me, to see me, to understand me, to cherish me.

I remembered how alone and unloved I felt. I remembered wanting to disappear. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was receiving. I remember hating myself.

So as he is talking I am wondering, 'why didn't I just end it all when I was little because I had a very dysfunctional childhood and standing here looking back, I am not even sure how I made it through.'


On April __, 2000, the doctors told me that I was going to die. This was right after they scooped my stillborn son into a specimen cup. They wanted to take my other son. I basically told them that they could go to hell. They assured me that I only had 2 choices, neither of which I morally agreed with. I told them if I died, I would die with my baby and I meant that and well, I did.

I remember the pain I felt. I remember how powerless I felt. Most of all, I remembered that I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I couldn't mourn. I had work to do. I had to fight for my firstborn's brother. I had to try and make him stick or at least get to a point where he could live outside of my body.

I remember for 3 weeks I fought everyone. I fought my mother and her ignorant, drama filled lies. I fought my grandmother. I fought the insensitive nurses. I fought the incompetent doctors. I fought against my body's natural urge to abort my child. I fought the paramedic worker.

I fought with all my might and I still lost.


I remember holding my son in my arms...watching him fight to breath, fight to live, fight to be seen. I remember being angry. I remember feeling defeated. I remember feeling lost. I remember that I did not cry.

I couldn't...there was no time for that...I needed to sift through the madness...salvage whatever I could and keep it moving. I would cry another day, just not that day. And here it is 10 years later and I still haven't found the time to cry.. to cry for my sons...to cry for my dysfunctional childhood, to cry for me


But it is coming...I can feel it..and well, it's been a long, long time coming. I have been at work, tearing up...one or two may fall and then it's done. I have been driving and the same thing has happened, a tear here, a tear there. My soul is ready to release this backup of pain, of sorrow, of hurt of everything that I cannot verbalize that I have had to endure. I am worthy of my own tears. I am worthy to be loved.

"It's been a long, long time but a change's gone come. Each day, I move toward that change. I embrace that change. I love that change. I realize that I am only as strong as my weakest link and each day that link moves closer and closer to UNBREAKABLE."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Counting My Blessings

I received another award and I am so thankful! Yall just don't know what these awards do for my blogging esteem. Makes me want to sit down and write more (yes, it is possible for me to write more.)



I was given this award by Chic Mama please travel the big blue ocean to her world. She is a Brit ; ) and guess what, she is going thru the same madness that some of us are going through in the U.S. Confirms that people are people and that we all are connected by a common thread regardless or race, color, or religion.



So I gots to list five things I am thankful for and pass this along to five other peeps:



*digging in my bag* This awards goes to the following five peeps:



Fat Girl LadyLee



KCCM Ms. Frenchie (yes the one from American Idol)



MyS20s



whoo. Now that that's out of the way let me get right down to it. I have to admit that this is something I need to do more of. Ms. Chic Mama does this weekly and others journal about it...me, sometimes I am just too busy looking for Manna to see the blessing sitting right in front of me. So are five things that I am grateful for in no particular order.



1. I am grateful for having a relationship with a loving, forgiving God. He is the best, believe that.

2. I am grateful for having REAL people around me who are ready to protect me and love me, even if it has to be on my own terms.

3. I am grateful for learning at a young age that the only difference between me and the peeps I see in them million dollar homes is opportunity and that some opportunities you have to let pass you by because you will wind up giving up more of yourself than what you will get in return.

4. I am grateful for my never say die attitude...it has gotten me pass points where a lot of peeps have packed up and gone home.

5. I am grateful for the people who take the time out of their busy schedules to read what's going on in my world, in my head...let's me know that I do have a story to tell and that someone is interested in hearing it.



Well that's it for now.





Please note that this is a very bad week for me emotionally. I don't really know how I am going to be..or how my blog is going to be..it's liable to be all over the place...I may not blog..I may not Tweet. I just don't know. But know that I will be okay...I think I am going to take this week and reflect and really come to terms with how my life changed dramatically 10 years ago this week...





"I am grateful that right when I am at my breaking point, right when I have had enough, right when I am throwing in the towel and about to walk away that God doesn't allow anything else to happen to me that would certainly cause me to lose all faith and hope. Sometimes you gots to be grateful that nothing wrong is going on in your life even if it's just for that moment...that second."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)