Taking Back Control, Putting My Cape Back On

I couldn't resist. Seems like the perfect pole outfit. (smile)

So, today I had a kinda emotional trying day and I triumphed over evil.

Pbbt (spit and all), take that evil I refuse to play your game any more!


So Dirty, that would be my child's DNA donor, really plucked my nerves. There's nothing that I hate worse than for someone to be playing with my child's already fragile emotional well-being. This dude has been feeding my child a rack of lies lately and I decided to call him on it. Basically I told his tired behind that if the truth wasn't in him that he shouldn't say anything to my child.


This fool keeps telling peeps that I won't let him do this with "his" son, I won't let him do that and here it is that he hasn't even called my son not once in the 2 months that he has had his own phone. Mind you a phone that he pays for so he can supposedly talk to him. But every time I call him to inquire why he hasn't called my son, he's asking for my number to call me. Dude, you shouldn't smoke your own product, it's counterproductive...


So this Ninja going back and forth about what he ain't gots to do and ain't going to do because he happy with himself and I felt that old me about to do a Sherman Klump on me and I had to push her back down...way way way down. And I simply said,"I feel sorry for you, you missing out on something special. If you do call him, please don't lie to him."

I am just going to get my son's phone turned on myself. I have been taking care of him and will continue to do so. It's funny this dude has contributed $150 dollars (2 phone bills, 2 outfits) to my son in the last 4 1/2 years and he now thinks he has the right to walk around with his chest stuck out like he has done something. Pbbt, take that, maybe the mist will wash some of your 3 day old funk off.

Normally I would have been fuming all day. Fussing this Ninja out in my head. Today, I refused to let it go down that way. I went for a walk, got some pigeon legs and kept it moving. And found myself smiling because I had stayed in control.

So I pick up Chucky and Chucky B and they going at it. Whining. Fighting. More Whining. Wasting stuff on the floor. The entire shebang. Chucky really lays it on thick with the whining. He whined for 42 minutes straight about how he was sleepy and didn't want to do his homework. Normally, I would get so angry that I would whoop his tail and send him to bed, or just send him to bed, or start yelling at him. Today, I just chilled and stated calmly over and over again: You will go to bed, but not until you do your homework. If it takes until midnight, we will be here. If you go to sleep, I will pour water on you and wake you up and if I get to 10 and your pencil hasn't started moving you will be off the football team. Your first practice will be your last. (and he thought he wanted a new mommy before) That pencil got to moving. And guess what, since I didn't play into his madness...didn't lose my control...and even though this entire fiasco took over an hour, mentally and emotionally I wasn't drained because: I stayed in control and kept my cape on.


"I choose to accept this simple fact: The only person and thing I can control is myself. I have choices to make and I can choose to make ones that will enhance my life or I can choose ones that will lead to heartache and pain. Having control over one's actions is such a super power to have."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Do Not Pass Go

Go directly to jail!

So we all know that if you will lie, you will cheat, if you cheat you will steal, and if you steal you will kill.

Well, if something happens to me, that child of mine has done it.

Because he Lied about something...can't quite remember right now...he just confessed to Cheating on his test at school...and the day before that he Stole from RiteAid....

So the only thing left on his list is to Kill.

And since his last words to me was that he wanted 'another mama that wouldn't try to take him to jail' I am sure I will be his first target.

That's right, I took his hindparts to jail and had the officer come out and scare the begeebees out of him. This little criminal in training stole some chocolate from the store, which he is allergic to, and hid it until he had a chance to get it out of the house undetected. Problem was, he didn't bank on leaving his lunchbox upstairs and he didn't bank on me opening it up after I had already closed it.

Then this lil midget wants to play word games with me and be all specific and technical. He bets to be glad that I know the demons that lie within me and that I didn't grab hold to him while I was mad.

"Where did you get this from?"

"RiteAid."

"Did you steal this?"

"I dunno."

"What do you mean you don't know..did you put this in your pocket and not pay for it?"

"No, I put it in my hand first and then in my pocket."

"Did you pay for it?"

"No, because it was in my pocket."

Lord, Father, Jehovah, you truly are a powerful God because the only reason that child of mine can walk today is because I know that there are many days that you probably want to have an angelic foot, lighting bolt, a huge hail ball hit me right smack dab in my forehead, BUT you don't because you are loving and do not change even when I act a fool up in here.

So, I call my ICE and breakdown. I call CQP and tell him. I text Jill Scott and tell her. I am at a lost. I don't know really what I can do differently. I mean enough is enough. I will not put money on his canteen. I will not write him. I will not visit him. I will not stop living if he gets locked up. I mean he needs to understand all of this now. I will not go to court and tell the Judge it wasn't him. I will not cover for him. I will not make excuses. I have a cousin that got locked up at the age of 10...I bet his mama wishes she would have paid attention to the early signs.

So, I spent the entire day at the hospital stressing. I felt the tears swell up in my chest. I wanted to let them out, but they would not fall. I had to do something. I had to make this boy understand that what he did was serious and that I would not stand by and condone his activity.

So after spending a shift in the hospital waiting to get various test ran on me because we still don't know what's wrong with me, I came up with an answer. I was going to take this little boy to jail. He big and bad enough to do the crime, let's see if he man enough to do the time. Hmph.

I wish I had taped it. It was pure comedy. I picked him up from school and talked to him calmly about his actions. I asked him what happens when you steal. "You go to jail." See, he had the knowledge, now it was just time for him to see application of it. I didn't say anything else to him. We went and picked up that little girl and they were in the back going back and forth and I was in the front getting my Alicia Keys on. I pulled up in front of 4D and this joker went slam off.

"Aww MAN! I gots to go to jail? You taking me to jail? I don't want to go to jail!" He starts wailing and so does the girl. Not sure why she crying. I get out the car and tell him that I will be right back. I go into the station explain my situation and how he really doesn't believe that he will go to jail because he is a kid. (this ain't his first time stealing) So I come back to my car, alone and start it up so I can continue singing "That's how strong my love is...." while I wait for the cop to get his coat and whatnot. So he comes and knocks on the window and opens the door and before he says anything, the child is screaming and crying and wringing his hands. I am in the front cracking up.

The cop pulled out his handcuffs and was like, "You know what these are? Stop crying...do you know what these are? You stealing from Rite Aid? You want me to lock you up? You gonna steal again? You sure cuz if so I am gonna come and I am going to put you in jail and you don't want to see what jail is...." My child's response to every question was, "I don't want to go to jail!" Funny thing is, the cop looked like he was about to cry when he walked away....next time I gots to get a lady cop.

So, all the way to Olive Garden, he cries and screams about how stupid he is that he was about to go to jail for stealing something stupid...then he states how he wants a new mama who won't send him to jail. I could've stated how I wanted a new son who wouldn't fight their teachers, cuss out people, and steal from RiteAid, but instead, I kept singing my song.

"I love my son, God knows I do, but I will not turn a blind eye to anything that he does. My love for him is strong, even if it has been shaken, and it is that love that will see him through this rough spell cause lawd knows he won't be stealing again, or at least for a very long time."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)


Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.


So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...


Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.


My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the Bar...um a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were there...it does matter.


My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.


I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.


It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.


With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......


Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.


The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

This Child of Mine

Well it would seem that I have created a lil opinionated, self-expressive, stubborn monster.

So today I had to have the meeting with the Powers to Be at my child's school. He had been suspended for fighting his teacher, his vice principal, and his principal.


Did I mention that he is six and in the 1st grade? I mean Lawd Have Mercy what's a mama to do? to say? I mean at what point did he realize that this would not end up very well for him?

It's funny because when I called ICE and told him he said, "That is your child," and I am thinking what in the hamsammich is that supposed to mean....I ain't never been suspended from school for fighting my teacher and principals (notice, I did not say that I ain't never been suspended)

And when I told his Gams, she was like,"He a chip off the old block huh...he lil Mike Tyson...I bet they won't mess with him again." And once again I say, I was not a bad child. I was simply misunderstood and had they seen it my way things would had fared better for all involved. Hmph.

But the more I sat there and listened to his teacher explain the things that this lil boy does in class, the more I heard my inner voice saying,"Lawd, that is your child, he is like a miniature you." And well, that's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either.

See, I ain't 6 and when I was six, I did as I was told whether I had an opinion on the matter or not. I may not like it but I did not always feel the need to express my disapproval with the situation right then and there. I was more of a planner. A get backer. I wasn't defiant (okay I was) but I wasn't disrespectful (okay sometimes but I was semi-grown). This lil boy here, if he feels that he has been wronged, he is going to plead his case until someone, anyone sees his point of view AND if no one sees it his way, he is not going to move on from the situation. He is going to emotional shut down.

So what am I to do? I mean in actuality, I created him to be exactly the way he is. I didn't treat him as if he was my property or an animal. I have always asked him what he thought about certain things and tried to train him to process things in a certain manner. However, I never really explained to him that just because I asked for his feelings on a certain matter, it didn't mean that I actually cared about what he was saying (does this sound harsh). I mean he is a child and I am an adult and frankly I do not want to hear feedback on everything I have told him to do. Do it and go tell your imaginary friends your gripes. Journal it. I don't care. But don't keep coming to tell me how you did not like that when I whooped you that I hurt your hand or that you don't think it's fair that you can't have water after a certain time because people need water to grow. I don't care!

It would appear that he has gotten my universal "I am not really listening to what you are saying but I do not want to be rude and tell you to put a sock in it nod" confused with my "I am listening and I care nod."

So I am sitting up in this meeting listening and I really want to reach over and shake his teacher. Now I know why this boy suddenly thinks our household is a democracy. She allows him to decide when he is going to participate in class or do his assignments. Hannah say what say what (I hate Disney Channel)! You allow a 6 year old mini-me decide when he is going to follow instructions? He is 6 with the thinkings of Pinky and the Brain. He wants to take over the world. He mastered the art of manipulation before he was 2 ( I kid you not). So when you stated to me that sometimes you think he is taking advantage of you, I say, "Um, you think?!?"

But the issue is this: We have a lil boy who is well advanced emotionally and even intellectually but socially he is a mess. How do we deal with him? How do we find a medium without crushing his thirst for knowledge and his assertiveness? I mean I want my child to think for himself and to be a leader not a follower BUT I also want my child to be obedient and do as he is told when he is told. Sounds like an oxymoron.

My child has watched me all of his life and well I do things quite differently. I have a gift for making it do what it do with what I have. He doesn't understand that everyone cannot go into Chucky Cheese with $5 bucks and a coupon with 5 kids and leave with everyone being fed and with a decent toy stuffed under their arms. He doesn't understand that when someone tells me something that I don't like or don't think is fair that I have earned the right to voice my opinions and give them my behind to kiss because I pay the bills (when I pay them) and the deed is in my name. He doesn't understand that at 6 he cannot freely voice his opinions with any and everyone. He doesn't understand that at 6, he cannot take matters into his own hand.


Yes, I have pushed my son and made him more independent than most 6 year-olds because well, I had to and because I wanted to. I am a single parent and I do not have time to be washing him up and dressing him until he is 10. I cannot cater to his every beck and call and even if I could, I would not. I do not want a Mama's Boy. I don't. I don't want to marry one and I do not want to raise one. I want to know that if I died right now that this boy can pretty much fend for himself. That he can count his money and see people for who they are...I don't want him believing everything people are throwing out at him...I want him questioning and researching what they are saying...BUT I want it done within reason.


I don't want him thinking that he has had a stellar day and therefore his teacher should have also picked him to go watch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and since she has evidently overlooked him that he is going to make it his business to go rectify the situation by walking out of class and going to watch the movie that he has already seen about 25 times. And then when he is approached about it, he gets all huffy and starts fighting them and tells them to move out of his way, get off of him cuz he is going home. And not processing it to the point to understand that he really doesn't want to be coming home to me after having that type of day.


So, they have decided to talk to CQP and develop a behavior plan for him. This should be good because CQP dotes on my child and thinks that even when he shows his entire behind that it is okay because he is a person and he has feelings and he has the right to express them. (smile) They are going to reward him for good behavior. Nice. Especially seeing that he is typically on Yellow (the highest mark you can receive for behavior) everyday. So he should be raking in the prizes...

I say they need to go ahead and scan my child's head and see if one of his wires have shorted out or something. Seriously, how does a behavioral plan work for someone who has behavioral issues once every 4 months or more? It's like putting a person who typically gets straight A's on an academic improvement plan after they flunk one test. It doesn't really address the issue(s).

Anywho, I don't think Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is still on my child's must see list.

"Being a parent is hard work. Some days you will get it right and other days, well, you will wish your little bundle of joy had come with an instruction manual and an on and off switch. No matter how you feel, know tasing is never an option ; -) "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)