No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Holding the Key .....

but giving away my heart.

What a different a year makes. It seems like a lifetime has past since I last inked my soul's cry on here. I have been writing and sorting in my head BUT most importantly, I have been living. Not living and going through the motions, but living and actually participating in the moments. I have been creating moments that allow for the memories that will last a lifetime.

I think my last straw ~ my last stand ~ my broken beyond repair point was when I cut off all of my hair. How liberating....how freeing and yes, how scary. I no longer had anything to hide behind, to shield me... I was naked and boy did I embrace it, define it, and LOVE it!!!!

To have as many heartbreaks as I have had...to suffer as much as I have...to endure and see as much as I have and yet to be able to love after all of it.....what a victory!

To go from not being able to stand more than 5 seconds in front of a mirror to being the mirror's biggest fan ~ what a blessing.

What a liberating blessing to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror, flaws and all and say "I love you and can't nothing you do or say change that cuz you are the best thing going," and mean it...each and every word.

Letting go of the hurt, of the Past, of the negativity, of the People that mean me ill, of the People that have served their purpose, of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the prejudices, of the darkness has been the hardest part. Useless Baggage that does nothing but weigh you down. We know this..I knew this but yet I humped it on my back religiously...why?!? did it validate my story, did it strengthen me...did it empower me...did it help me in anyway besides speeding along the process of me getting the handi-to-be crippled badge?

The more I let go, the more masks I got rid of...because the people that I did not trust got 'let go' out of my life so there was no need for me to hide my hurt and pain any more.

I am currently unemployed with two minor kids and a mortgage and car insurance and bills on top of bills and no steady money in sight BUT I haven't been this happy in awhile. I am so in love with myself that even life's setbacks can only get me so down. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to return my love and I am okay cuz I know it's him and not me... ain't nobody flyer than me ; )

I am a moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving and getting out of my own way. I used to be so concerned about who held the key to my heart that I never really allowed myself the opportunity to open my heart to allow anyone to use the key..so what did it matter that they had the key?

Now I hold the key and give my heart, locking it and opening as need be. I am so in love with loving me.

"Letting go does not diminish or erase what we have gone through. It does not weaken or tarnish what we have accomplish. It simply makes more space for us to receive greater blessings and it allows us to love a little more."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)