Protecting My Queen

Lol, so everything is changing, yet everything is staying the same.  I guess this new layout is a bit more cleaner....i have heavier things to muse about so I will let the small stuff be just that ~ small.

I hate playing games, even when I am good at them.  And right now it feels like I am in a game, one that I have played before.  Different hand, same moves.  I am confused because I know that this is probably the final test before the ultimate breakthrough.  Do I sacrifice everything to save the Queen?  Do I go down fighting and lose it all?

I loved him.  I cannot deny it.  It shows when his number appears in my caller i.d.  It shows when he looks at me and smiles.  It shows when he calls my name.  It just shows which is why I don't play poker.  I still have feelings for him or my heart wouldn't get that twinge of pain every times he mentions one of his follies names.

I don't know what I want from him.  I don't know what I want for him.  I don't know why we are back at this place in this space walking around the giant elephant.  Too much has happened.  Too much time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds, but the truth of the matter is that love covers all and time just gives us the space to realize this.

I need to free him so he can let me be because when a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them.  He has showed me that he will leave me in my darkest hour.  What more is there to see?  True people change, but only when they see fit to do so.  Is he there....the million dollar question.

I know what I want.  I also know what I need.  He is a nice combination of both, so it seems.  My heart calls out to him, followed by my body.  My mind, yeah my mind is telling me to pull up the draw bridge and to blow up the Trojan Horse.

Why is it that we cannot walk away from the derailing train?  Why do we have to go down with it?  Even knowing days are numbered I still stick around hoping to turn the tables and to capture his Queen with my Knight.  It's a shame that instead of offending I risk the chance of being subjected to serious pain in the very near future.

"Things are changing and have changed but some things remain the same because we protect it instead of sacrificing the little thing to save the thing that holds the most value."


~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Lawd What Have I gotten Myself Into?

Sweet Jesus! It feels like I have Chucky and Chucky's Bride up in this piece. These two are driving me bananas. And when I say these two, I am talking about my child that I pushed out after 21 hrs 45 min and 31 sec of natural child birth and my sister's child. YEAH THIS WOULD BE MY BIOLOGICAL SISTER'S CHILD

I mean CQP (quack quack) thought it would be a good thing for my child seeing that he was still having trouble adjusting to his situation ... thinking that his being able to be my BIG HELPER would help move him right along...move him right along in front of that bus I am gonna throw him and her in front of...

I mean every 10 secs there's somebody crying and it's usually him. I'm like dude you 6 and she 2..get over it. (I mean she did whack him in the head with a metal lunchbox..but the other times she just tapped him) He falls out on the floor and screams, "Mommy she hit me...Mommy she is sitting next to me...MOMMY she calling you MOMMY.." I am about to put a sock in it and I ain't talking about one of those 3 for $5 specials... geez

And this child she is like Houdini's twin sister. I mean I have strapped her down in every contraption I can think of and find and just when I stick my chest out thinking I have finally defeated Chucky's spawn, I feel her tapping me on my leg, "Ma-Ma...I got out." I mean I have invested in just about every car seat out there and she gets out... now I am about to buy some chains and chain her lil butt down.. let's see how she likes those apples. She has no discipline, no structure, no sense of danger and no common sense. (if she did she wouldn't fool with me) So everything is "No." The other day while driving she hit me in the back of my head with a chicken bone because I wouldn't take it from her when she said she was done. The look on my child's face as I turned around to admonish her was priceless.. he was like, yes, this lil girl is about to meet her destruction and then I can have the back seat back to myself.

But she's two and she doesn't know the ropes so I give her a stern talking to and ask her if she understands and she says no and then proceeds to shout Hallelujah Hallelujah.. I gots her Hallelujah and will raise her by two...she will be seeing angels if she keeps messing with me and my child.

So, to say it's an adjustment is an understatement. But what's funnier is people's reaction to me having her. "Why do you have her?" "What are you going to do with her?" ( I don't know, I thought about eating her for dinner but she still poops on herself) Um, what happens if your sister wants her child back? (Um, it's her child. I don't want her. I have one special child, wasn't really in the market for one even more special... I am shooting for a normal child) Why didn't your sister keep her? (well, it's quite evident that whatever is going on inside her world she felt it was best to send her child away to be with someone else. I think this is much better than cutting the child's head off or shoving her in a dryer and turning it on... or selling her into prostitution)

I am a lot of things but heartless is not one of them. I typically do not sit up and talk about a situation without trying to be apart of the solution. I am not sure what is going on...but I am sure that I can raise a semi-emotionally stable child. I am willing to keep trying to get it right as long as people are willing to trust their children with me.

"Be the change you want to see in this world. Stop sitting around passing judgment and pouring salt on people. Love thy neighbor or thy niece as yourself..lawd, God knew how to keep me on my knees talking to him in the 2010 cuz this situation gonna take a lot of prayer."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)