Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

In the eyes, ears and even in the crack of his behind if I have to!


And it ain't just because I don't trust people.

People may have good intentions but there is almost always a hidden agenda or bad motive behind it or mixed up in there some where. Trust me. Luv knows about these things.


So, I was going back and forth about whether I was going to blog about this ...but then something happened the other day to set me off and well, so here we are.


I don't do "therapy" any more because the Crime Victim's Unit does not pay any more for me to go but it still pays for Chucky. So CQP had told me from jump street not to worry about the money because if I still needed to see him after the money ran out that he would still see me that we would work something out because he believes in helping people ...blah blah blah. Yeah sounds good. Let's fast forward to the money well being dry... um, yeah he will still text me, and talk to me on the phone and see me, but I now gots to hear "you know I ain't being paid for this" or "I go over and beyond my call of duty for you" and GRANTED all of what is being said is true, but who cares. Who wants to hear that..you knew I was poor when you met me. So, unless I can pay his fee, I won't see him.


I have an aunt that used to be rich...not sure of what her financial status is now that she is UNEMPLOYED...lmbo, I know I shouldn't be happy but you know what they say, "humble yourself before God humbles you." So anywho, my aunt lives next to R. Kelly. She has this phat house that um well let's see, only she lives in. But, if you ever in town and call months in advance to see if it's okay to stay with her, you will have your pick of the 5 guest rooms. Well, my aunt used to give me expensive gifts until I sent her a 10 page front and back letter the day I graduated from high school. Yes, even as a teenager, I was long-winded. But it wasn't the fact that she used to give me gifts, it was the fact that you had to thank her for these gifts every time you saw her or talked to her. When she came over she used inspect the things she had given me and my siblings, to see how well we were taking care of our things. Any time she would ask you to do something, she would rattle off everything she had ever done or given you...and be serious about it. And well, I don't know if you have picked up on this or not but:



I DO NOT JUMP JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY JUMP AND I SHO'LL AIN'T FEENA ASK HOW HIGH and you can take that to the bank.


I watched as my aunt used to buy my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and my mom. I'm sorry, my dignity wasn't for sell..not then and not now. So when my aunt told me that she would help with my college expenses if I x,y,z for her the next four years. I told her in a lot of words that she could kiss my black behind because unlike the other people in our family that she was buying, I was going somewhere and was going to get there with or without her.


When my father told me that he would help me get a car so I could get Chucky off the bus but that I would have to get this kinda car and call him at least once a week. I told him to take his money and shove it because if I had to walk until my feet fell off, that is what I was going to do before I have someone in another state dictate who I was going to call and what I was going to drive.


And now I have my other aunt trying to say that because she has watched Chucky a time or two that I need to go get her granddaughter and take her places with me. You say what? Lawd, father, please be with me because the one that will suffer in this situation is my funny looking cousin and not her my aunt, her grandmother.


People that know me, know that I will not ask for anything unless I absolutely without a doubt need it. That I definitely ain't running around trying to ask peeps to watch Chucky or C'sB. This year is probably the most I have been away from my child since he has been born. But he is about to be 7 going on 75..he pretty much watches himself.


Now I don't have a problem with saying thank you. I have been sending "surprise" thank yous this past month to peeps in my life that have really held me down. I sent my ICE a fruit basket with no return address or name attached to the card. You know how he figured out it was me? He said, "You are the only person I know that will give a gift and don't want to be thanked for it..everyone else wants you to know it was from them." I also don't mind getting peeps kids that get mine. Ask my Jill Scott. Cuz I can't take Fric anywhere without Frac. You just ain't gonna throw it in my face, especially when you ORIGINALLY supposedly did it because you wanted to help me out.


Yeah, never been a big fan of those TROJAN horses.


"Everything that glitters ain't gold and everything that says 'free' ain't free. Granted, we sell off a piece of ourselves everyday...but how many of us are willing to sell our souls for wooden nickels? Remember, the best gift is one that you forget that you gave."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate STAT..so my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

My Guy

So it's becoming apparently obvious that it must be destined for me to get with a BIG guy because as of late a lot of really, really, big guys have been approaching me.

Now don't get me wrong, if that's what you like then I love it, for you. NOT ME, but for you? I mean have you seen me? Okay, some of you all haven't seen me, but for those of you that have, you know that me with a 6'3" 320 lb man is NOT a good look for me. I mean we won't be looking like a ten but people will be looking at us wondering how my lungs were holding up. I mean really, I have dated people heavier than me...Dirty was heavier than me and when he used to hug me or snuggle with me, it was like he was squeezing the life out of me.

I mean I remember on many occasions screaming, "get off me, I can't breathe." That's when I took to changing his diet. I wasn't trying to die from suffocation of a lover. "How did she die?" "I hugged her."

So today I went to the doctor's to get more test ran..I am sure my insurance is loving me. And there's this dude that has made it clear that he is really into me and well, I won't lie, I adore the attention, BUT not him. I mean the attraction level is zero partly because our bodies are not compatible. I am thick as I was told by several cuties today, but I ain't as thick as I would need to be to be able to deal with the likes of him. I mean he leaned on me and it felt like my ribs were cracking. Now don't get me wrong, he ain't sloppy looking and he ain't obese BUT he is too big for me. It would be like the old Monique getting with Snoop...she too big for him.

But just dealing with this guy on the limited basis that I do, has prompted me to think about what qualities and features do I want in my guy. And well I am really not sure. I thought I wanted an expressive guy, but this dude is always about to cry when he talking to me and telling me about how he so into me but his life ain't quite right. And I really want to tell him sometimes to MAN THE HECK UP, I mean I might get him a MAN DOWN shirt. So, I am going to list the qualities that I think I want in a guy and revisit this when I have more time to really process what I need from a guy and not just what I want.

What I need from him is:

Understanding, it's so simple as 1, 2, 3 (I couldn't resist)

But seriously, I need: Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Love, Support, Tender Affection, Commitment, Good Sex (all sex is not good), Protection/Security, Friendship, Stability, Openness, Leadership

"As we grow and mature, we understand that what we want should not outweigh what we need."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ps: Thursday Therapy is coming, I just didn't want to post it before the Quack was finished reading what he was supposed to be reading because I don't really want him to read my take on this session.

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be loved...in theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it official...do they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never fails...so why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.

Why?

Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' pain...it keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Hills and Valleys

Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk ~ yeah that's the size of what I heard today talking to CQP. He was really blowing me with all the Safeway questions.

Do you think it was a hill or a valley when you contacted the girl (see So, Outta Pocket)?

I mean I have been in the Valley of Death for so long, shouldn't he be asking was it a pothole, or a pile of snow?

But it's fine cuz I am getting a helicopter ride out of here. I've already paid my fare and I know my destination....

Life is what you make it and I am determined to make the best of what I have left of my life. Typically when I say I am going to do something and I have total control over the situation, I am going to do it.

I added my brother as one of my fb friends. (yeah the one I haven't talked to or dealt with in ten years)

I talked to my other brother on the phone.

See, small changes, but it's progression nevertheless.

"Some things you aren't going to have an answer for...you simply will have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry

The New Year is here and I am ready to take it by storm.

I am ready for the beautiful transformation that typically happens after something has been under extreme pressure for an extended period of time...

(for those slower than most, think of the pearl...for you PIC)

I am worth more than pearls and diamonds, but how could anyone recognize my worth when I myself had forgotten it?

It's funny how we can get so lost inside of our own head that we put out our own fire.

I am tired of taking the short end of the stick. I am tired of self-destructing because I am too afraid to push pass my fear. I am tired of wanting love and only letting it get as close as my fingertips.

I am tired of people NOT worrying about me because I always get it done, make a way out of no way at all. I hurt and I cry (and not just when I am watching E.T.)

So CQP (Cool Quack P..lmbo) did not feel as though my letter to Safeway was open and unrestricted. He claims that it was limited in parts and not totally free. Now he really feena make me ask him to show me his degree cuz, I mean if that wasn't open, I don't know what is.. I mean did he want me to do a Dewayne and be like "Baby Baby please, baby baby please?" I mean what more can I say to the boy? HE KNOWS how I feel about him. I told him, I've showed him, and I really have nothing left to give. And plus, he's gone...his heart has left and I'm left replaying one of my favorite scenes from Baby Boy "He don't love me any more...take me away." (classic foolishness)

So my homework for next Thursday is: To identify all of the negative cycles I continue to perpetuate and break them. (yeah, I am not feeling this one either so I probably will write about why I should free my mind by going natural)

sidebar...is anyone else wondering how any of this mess is helping me help my child deal with his issues which by the way have been compounded now that I have taken in a boarder (a tale for another day)

I have resolved that each and every day I will cut myself some slack and not take myself or life that seriously. So today, January 1st, I will not get mad at myself for yet again failing to wash all of those dirty clothes sitting in my living room. They will get washed.

"You don't need a new year to have a new beginning. Each and every single day can be the start of something fresh, something new, something wonderful; it's all in the way you look at it. A year is a year regardless of what day you begin it on. Here's to living each day to the fullest and enjoying it and recognizing it for what it is, just a day."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (A Day Early) ~ Like You"ll Never See Me Again

Even though I don't really have the energy to do this assignment ~ I have decided to do it because I cannot afford to come back to this place and feel the pain and anguish and sit in the confusion that Mister Man (Quack ; p ) calls emotions.

Today's assignment for tomorrow's session is to write a letter to Safeway.. a letter expressing exactly how I feel...no fillers, no chasers.

So, we about to take the Henny to the head cuz that's the only way I am going to be able to reach the depth of my soul and leave it all expose out in blogland.

But then again, what do I have to lose? I mean, I have already lost him, what could be worse than that...pride doesn't keep you warm at night or help you smile through the pain.


So here is what I would say to HIM if I wasn't so scared of loving without strings attached..

I love you more than any love song you know. I am we are not the prototype, I am we are the real deal. Why is it that neither one of us really can pen when our relationship began or where it really will end? It's like I have known you my entire life. You were my Boo, but most importantly, you were my friend. I just can't sit here and watch it slip away. I know I have messed up with my last little stunt...but how is it that you knew before I told you what had set me off? How did you know that I thought someone had taken my place? That you were about to give your heart away... I won't lie, you hurt me, right down to my core. You kicked me while I was down and that shook me for awhile. But, I love you and they say love does not fail, so I could not simply walk away.

I have been running from something all of my life. I have been ducking and dodging, all of my life, and well I am was tired of running and had decided to fight. Fight for what was once mine. Fight for your love, fight for our love. Each time I am in your presence, I feel your love. Each time you kiss me, I feel your love. Each time you hold me, I feel your love. I see your love in your eyes which is why none of this makes sense to me. And it never will.

There are only so many cds with Lauryn's Sweetest Thing, MJB's Everything, India's Chocolate High, Alicia's No One, Raheem's Love Drug, Lutha's I Rather.. and the list goes on and on that one can make before the other gets the picture.

Before I met you, I had never been in love before, sure I had loved, BUT I had never given my heart away and stood by to watch to see whether they would toy with my heart strings, or love me genuinely. I had never wanted to be so connected, so close that when the vibing ceased that I would be left to pick up the pieces. You knew me when I was still walking with my head hanging down, still trying to find a reason to push forward. You knew me when the smiles were few and the pain overflowed. You knew me when I had given up on finding love and was settling for the Old Maid position. You knew me when I was broken and yet you still loved me. You still wanted me...You still saw me for the Queen I am.

Your love transformed me. It breathed new life into me. It made me feel free, again. It helped me start the journey of finding me. They say when that Love Jones come down, it's a mutha... well it surely is.

You made me want to be a better woman...and not just want to be, but put in motion the things I needed to do to become that woman...the woman that I felt you deserved. I didn't mind cooking your breakfast or washing your clothes (not that I ever did). What you say, be barefoot and stay at home? Yeah, I didn't even mind your old fashion goals. I didn't mind because as it goes, love will make you do and say some crazy things.

But it's something about how our convo ended today to let me know that your love is gone..that i went too far. and there is nothing i can do to turn back the hands of time because if I could I would have turned them back to the beginning a long time ago. Back to when you constantly called and doted on me. Back to when you freely loved me. You know back when I was listening to the people tell me (not u PIC cuz u always said he was a good guy, but then you also like Kream) that you were running that SE game on me. So instead of fully opening up and loving you. I loved you in measures...I loved you in portions. I loved you cautiously. I loved you to the best of my ability...I didn't want to give you all my love and then you casually walked away from me.

I couldn't "Stay in the Moment" though it was Worthy advice. I just couldn't stand not being in control...not knowing... and now look at the mess we're in.

How is it that something so right, could be so wrong? Is my clock running fast, or is yours running slow?

My head hurts and my heart is starting to clench up...and though i have said a lot...it still feels like i have not said enough... my faith is broken, and my eyes are closing, (and the tears are falling) but my heart's wide open as I say this in closing:

I love you Supa. You are the one for me. I never understood what people met when they said they had found the one until I met you. You can't complete me because I am already whole. But you do compliment me, you yourself said we were a perfect fit. They say... I say... the Bible says: Love never fails. So I have to TRUST and BELIEVE this and let you go and hopefully you will find your way back to my our love.

"I held my tongue when I should have spoken, I spoke when I should have been quiet. I hid what I should have broadcasted and publicized what I should have kept sealed. Some lessons do not have to be learned the hard way. I had love and lost it and now I have to sit and wonder if it will ever return, please don't make the same mistake I made. Love like there is no tomorrow, because sadly it may not be."

Gotta Luv M, Cuz I surely Do (Smooches)

Mr. Man if this isn't open enough for you, I don't know what is, becuz this is as good as it gets with me. You may never see me like this again because I don't know if I can ever love like this again or even if I want to. How you like them apples?

The Sky Is Falling (GUESS WHO'S BACK)

Ever felt this way? That everywhere you turned and every time you turned something was going really wrong...wrong to the point that you just knew the world must be getting ready to end. (not literally)

That the sky had to be falling and the ground had to be sinking cuz you felt like you were chin deep in mud and being slammed in the head with craters?

No... well, lucky you!

But seriously, it has been one thing after another. I have been trying to post before this but I had computer issues, then I had password issues, then I had life issues, then I had health issues and then I had more life issues, and more health issues, and then job issues, and it was issues on top of issues that I temporarily shut down.

BUT.....

I have been making progress which I will update you on in the upcoming days. I have continued with therapy and um, let me tell you this, therapy is HARD! My QUACK (um, he says he doesn't like this name...he just wants to be the guy I talked to...lmbo) isn't that insightful but he means well and he cares so I go..

My child still isn't quite right...but he is adjusting... the bedwetting had stopped and the attitude had simmered down but now we right back to square one. : (

My house, well it's 95% clean!!!! And I did some home improvements all by myself..I put up baseboards with a manual saw, some nails, and a hammer... and let me tell you, please don't cross me cuz I got the arms of a construction worker and I don't mind flexing. There are days that I go into my house and cry...I can't believe how much clutter I have gotten rid of since the starting of this blog.

My relationships, well the guy I was trying to get over must have thought I would crumble, after I broke down and cried...or maybe it was the devil...but whomever it was must not know that I AM A SURVIVOR (there will be a later post about this)

"Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but as long as we are among the living we can decide whether we are going to take what life throws at us on our back, knees or feet. Life sometimes really is what you make of it...Too often we take seriously the things and people we should look at as a joke and take for granted the things and people we should take seriously. Live life without regrets, chasing your own happiness, loving as much as possible, making it a worthwhile ride."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do!!!! Smooches

feels good to be back..

Thursday's Therapy~Stacking the Deck

Shuffle, Shuffle, Cut, Cut, Deal, Deal, Flip a Card, Deal

So, this is what the quack thinks I am doing to him. He thinks that I am shuffling up whatever it is he is asking me, cutting it down into segments that I can quickly manipulate, then dealing him out a heap of HORSE CRAP (but of course he used the word BullS) with one or two honest responses mixed in the HORSE CRAP.

It's quite interesting....

Whenever I would go to speak, he would whip out his imaginary deck of cards and begin to deal out my HORSE CRAP.

The things is, he would be dealing when I was actually being sincere and not dealing when I was giving him FILLERS or FLUFF not HORSE CRAP. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I have mastered the art of talking in circles to the point that even when I am being straight forward it is sounding like randomness? Or is it that I have been doing this for so long that I don't even know what I am really feeling? (I know that sounds crazy but it is possible to run from your feelings so much that you actually lose touch with what you are actually feeling...you begin to fool yourself) Or, is it that his male ego is so fragile that when he told me that he knew a lot about me and I laughed and said, "oh, really, a lot of people feel that way...but trust, just because I have sat and talked with you for an hour doesn't mean that you have learned anything about me. I can say a lot and not really say anything at all," that I damaged his ego?

So now, this week he is over there dealing cards and telling me that I am pouring it on and well, I wasn't. Or at least I don't think I was. Actually, I know I wasn't. I was having a really bad day, spent the morning in my car crying while talking to my uncle. (but that's a story for another blog in another location) And, well, I just didn't have it in me to talk in circles because I was already emotionally drained.

So my homework: (yeah this is gonna get old after awhile, if I wanted to be writing papers, I would go on back to my part time job of being a professional student.)

Write about why do I think I am in therapy. Why do I think I am ready for therapy. Why do I think I am not ready for therapy.

And if I simply write that I am ready for love, he will whip out that deck of cards and then I would probably wanna horse kick him.

"Masks, we all wear them, actually, we are taught to wear them, and even encouraged to wear them, whether it's to mask how we truly feel about a person or a situation, or to hide what type of individual or worker we are...we wear them. Some people have the ability to change masks as quickly as a person changing a hat or a pocketbook. Masks are fascinating and often necessary, but the danger with masks is: you wear them long enough, people won't be able to tell your representative from the real thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Therapy Thursdays

Okay first up, I know today is not Thursday, but it is the day that I go to therapy and well I couldn't post so I am posting now.


So, the jury is still out on this guy. He seems kinda spastic. My child likes him but then again, why wouldn't he, all they do is play games.

When I asked him what they talk about, he says I don't know but I beat him in checkers.

That's real encouraging.

Anyways, so on Thursday I have to go for my one-on-one session with him and well so far I'm not sure therapy is for me. I mean if I have to revisit the stuff that I have successfully forgotten about or put away, I don't think I am going to hang in there.

This past Thursday he hit a cord. I had to think about the top three awful things that happened to me at the hands of my parents. And well, at first I couldn't think of anything. I almost grabbed my phone to call one of my sistah friends to ask her and then it all came back to me like I was being swept away by a flood.

Let's just say that I had a stank attitude the rest of the day. He also gave me homework and well, I wanted to share the wealth...You know what they say, therapy is only good if you can share it with a group. (okay they don't say that but who cares)

Think about your childhood, how are you different now from then...how do you want your future to differ from your present.


"Yesterday is gone forever, today is what you make it, tomorrow has yet to be written. Stop letting people from your past who do not matter continue to write chapters of your life when you know they aren't going to stick around for the finale."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

The pics....

This is Dedicated to You~~ (My) Jill Scott

So despite you having a big head and always walking around in cheatah leopard tiger monkey some type of animal print looking like you about to fly away to the jungle, looking for George so you can swing on his vine, I just wanted you to know:

YOU ARE APPRECIATED!

At least by me and that child that seems to believe that he actually lives at your house.

In this day and age, it's not too many peeps my age (or younger) that give me cause to pause and peruse their life story. Or, give me reason to pause and notice them at all. I mean your attire alone stops me in my tracks, usually cuz I am trying to find my phone so I can take a pic and send it to Ghetto Hot Mess and call PETA and the fashion police at the same time, but I overlook all of your fashion faux pas, because the truth of the matter is, when you get right down to it, all that matters is your heart (and the fact that my lil cuzzo did not pick up your fashion taste makes it easier, you grown, you have earned the right to do you, urgh!).

You are a very selfless person, even when you have earned the right to be selfish. You came when no one else would come. You pick up slack that I don't even realize is there. You love with no strings attached. You have cleared the way for me to make my long, overdue journey back to the middle and for this and much more......

Thank you for being you because it makes it so much easier for me to be me (non-violent). So go on Cuzzo and put on that zebra shirt with those red pants and cheetah shoes, sure my stomach will drop and my eyes will hurt, but at the end of the day, I will love you the same.

"Many would like to believe that they are self-made men or women...I know that I did not get this far without having God above me and the family that are my friends and the friends that are my family (no, not one in the same) surrounding me, pushing me, protecting me, and most importantly LOVING ME. Without them, I am not nothing, but it doesn't make for much to write home about."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Sidebar: So, I will be doing a series of You Are Appreciated or This is Dedicated To You cuz it is very healthy to thank those who have done something for you and sometimes to you. I will at least try and make it monthly if not weekly.

Also, since I am having technical difficulties, I am gonna have to blog twice in a day at times, please bear with me...sometimes I just can't be holding all this stuff in my head, it might explode. (smile) and for those of you asking for pics from my getaway, send me your FB link.

ONE LUV.

The Little Red Hen

As long as I can remember I have been the Little Red Hen.......

I would ask for help and people would say that they would help me. I would twiddle my thumbs and sit on my hands as I tried my darnest to exhibit some form of patience. 95% of the time, I would be left to do the task that I initially asked for help with by my lonesome. And therefore, I only would reap the rewards of my labor.

This is why I don't readily ask for help now. I don't have time to waste to sit around waiting for someone (who most likely had good intentions when they offered) to bail on me and leave me with less time to complete some task that for some reason (mentally, emotionally, physically, psychologically) I could not complete on my own. So much for Lean On Me.

Well, I have been dealing with this demon for NINE YEARS and it finally got to the point where I realized that I could not do it alone because mentally I wasn't ready to move forward and emotionally I wasn't stable enough. Physically I could do it, but the psychological effect of staring at my own personal main post office instantly drained me. So I asked for help.

I asked and I asked and I asked.

They accepted and said they would come, but none did.

And just when I was about to go dust off my lil white apron and don my red hen suit, one showed up. And after five plus hours of non-stop sorting, stuffing, ripping, bagging, and dragging, and then two additional days of me going it alone we have this picture update (I will have to try and upload the other pics because blogger is having issues)

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but I only have two.....

AT LAST!

"They say that troubles don't last always and I guess they right. The thing to remember is that just because they don't last always don't mean that they will be here today and gone tomorrow. Sometimes you have to repeat the wash and spin cycles a few times before you are ready to be dried out."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

for those just sitting down to break bread with me, check out this one to understand my excitement.

Dear John (version 1)

My heart's in turmoil...I wish I could say that by the time you read this blog, I would be gone, but I know I won't. I have been writing this letter for some time and well, I can't quite pen my words to say exactly what I want to say without sounding like a 3 year old child or without sounding bitter, jealous, angry, or affected, or without having to write another side note to explain what it was that I was trying to say that I felt I didn't say that well in the letter.


Truth is: I am bitter, angry and affected. AND, at times I do get jealous and pout and throw a tantrum like a 3 year old, okay maybe a 5 year old child.


I am BITTER that your transition from being in love to being out of love with me has been so seamless. I still wonder how it is that you managed to get your tool lubed just days after we departed IF you weren't doing anything on the side. (I know that some of us will do whatever to get a man, but dang, just like that? Exactly) I mean, yeah we weren't together but isn't there some unofficial break-up rule that you don't hump, pump, finger, lick, stick, bite, shuck, or bring to your mama's house another person within 168hrs (um, yeah that would be 1wk) of breaking up with your previous girl/guy? I'm just saying.


I am ANGRY that you stopped being there for me.... you used to go out of your way to make sure I was fed, safe, and knew my rightful place. Now if I am hungry I know to call Takeout Taxi and if I am in danger to call 911 and hope the Po-Pos ain't on a coffee break and I question if I was ever your number one girl since you only pen things for your number one fan.



I am JEALOUS that you are a guy and I am a girl and therefore even when I don't cry myself to sleep, I toss and turn reminiscing about the love we once had while you make memories with your new girl toy.


I throw tantrums because like a child I feel powerless and when I throw a fit, I at least get your undivided attention if just for that fleeting instance.


I am AFFECTED because I told myself that I would NEVER love again. That I would never let anyone get so close to me that they could cripple me... that they could cause me to lose me.. cause me to doubt me... cause me to be all up in my head. I loved you, the best way I could...even when it scared the bajeezies out of me, I stayed the course...even when I sensed you were getting scared, I pushed forward; even when you allowed others to weigh in, I sucked it up and charged it to the game; even when you dethroned me and put me at the end, I bided my time; even when it was apparent that the well had run dry and I was the pinch hitter for when the starting five weren't delivering....I loved you and smiled through the pain.


You asked a very valid question: Why am I here? Well, cuz in my mind, I never left.


"Falling in love is the easy part, it's the landing that's hard. Sometimes when you land, you find out you hit the mark and other times you find out you missed the target completely. Navigating the course of love is never easy, not for the ones on the rollercoaster ride nor for the friends and family watching from the sidelines."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I'm Going To See the Wizard

Okay, I lied, I am really finally going to see a Quack.

And I kinda have mixed emotions about it. I mean on one hand, I want him/her to perform a miracle. I want him/her to sprinkle some fairy dust and make me all better. Or, I want him to sing a song about me having a heart, a brain or some courage and for me to feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then I leave feeling better than before.


I want the pain of my childhood...erased. I want the pain of losing my babies... erased. I want the experience of being violated...erased. I want the frustration of feeling like a motherless, fatherless child...erased. But I really want the feeling that I don't deserved to be loved ERASED.

They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, but the reality is, what doesn't kill you drives you insane. At least that has been my experience.


So, I know the Quack can't make all of my fears, frustrations, pains and disappointment disappear but I would like them to cuz my notion of coping is "just ignoring the situation" and well as i look at my toe, i know ignoring a situation hasn't quite worked out well for me in the past.


It's funny because I am not sure if I am totally comfortable with going to see a Quack even though I feel it will be totally beneficial for me... it's something about having it documented that I can't handle everything thrown at me...that I don't use the best coping techniques all the times...that it does matter A LOT when I put forth the effort to love someone and they don't love me back... it's like letting the world know that I am not as put together as they thought. (now I have been telling people for the longest that I am not as strong as they think I am but now it's like they gonna have proof) I know it's silly, but it's real. It's what I am feeling right now.

So I guess, on the other hand, I want to go and I want the Quack to tell me that I had the solution right under my nose that all I had to do was click my Nike's or Keds 3-4 times and that I would be where I want to be with who I want to be there with.

Nevertheless, I am going to go and lie on this couch and try and cram as much of my life into the one hour free consultation as I can.

Really the hard part has already been done... I already know my issues and WHY I have the issues, I just need to know how to fix, cope, deal with , maintain my issues.

"Sometimes we have to accept that there are no quick fixes to our issues and that the fix may be simply to maintain to the best of your ability until you can affect enough change to alter the course of your life...it's kinda like playing cards, like when you are dealt a sucky hand that you can't throw back in, sometimes you just gots to put on your poker face, take a deep breath, and play that crappy hand and hope the next deal won't be so bad."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)