The Process of My New Life

Everything is a process.

This ain't the first time you are hearing  this.

My life was derailed when I was raped and life was left in me only to be taken away from me almost as violently as it was created.

I stood lied crawled cried slept in darkness, anger and despair for years because my ego wouldn't allow me  to reconcile that I the strong one, was weak.

I tried to bottle up all my pain and keep it inside so no one  would know that I was drowning even though everyone knew I was so far underwater that I might never break the surface again but me.

I ruin everything trying to save me.   Friendships credit relationships employment routines health

But as some of y'all remember,  I set myself free and decided to give active living a try. I  am still actively living and on most days,  I choose good over bad.

I am a vision that was once deferred and now I am a vision waiting to happen.


Everything takes time... that's one thing you can't rush

So like these dreams put on hold and temporarily destroyed,

 The visions that I see that are for me, that are God's will,  will certainly become my reality once again,

in due time

The process may not be easy but from the looks of things, it's surely gonna be worth it!

"Healing takes time as does finding your rightful place back in the universe, so enjoy the journey because the destination is but a vision that can suddenly change." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Really Don't Like Women....

But they are really good at giving me emotional support when Old Spice ain't treating me right.  And yes, by right, I mean spoiling me and giving me my way. 

Seriously, I used to not don't like women.  I can do without all the catty, backstabbing, gossiping, messiness, and the list goes on and on.  Maybe it's because I was the only girl sandwiched between two boys for so long.  Or maybe it's just because my tolerance level for foolishness is so low.  But whatever it is/was, I have been this way since I was kneehigh.  I gravitate to males.  It's easy, it's simple, it's less stress. 

Lol, well it USED to be less stress.  Now we got men that are just as catty and messy and that gossip and backstab more than women.  The world is definitely in a handbasket headed straight toward an inferno.
I don't know what is happening...if it is being 26 again or if women are finally catching up to where I am, but I am finding that I have let more and more of them into my inner circle, gloves and masks off... just me.


And I like it...no, I love it!!!  I love my sister friends.  I love letting my hair down and figuring out what we need to do to win.  Win at finances.  Win at family.  Win at careers.  Win at friendships.  Win at relationships.  just Win Win Win.   But most importantly, how to pick ourselves up as we perfect this art of winning.

I am finding that I love supporting and being supported by women who are trying to make it do what it do, just like me.  No pressure.  No competition.  No stress.  Just genuine love and support.  And trust me when I tell you that when women breathe life into other women, amazing things happen.

We are the mother of civilization.  Without women, there would not be a human race.  We are the first teachers.  Just think if we banded together and taught nothing but love, peace, and respect what the world would be....could be.

Right now, I have some sister friends that are helping me open up and tell my Truthz by them sharing theirs...the good the bad the ugly...and we all have ugly, no matter how we package it, shape it, or shake it...we all have skeletons, demons and fears that we need to address so that our future will be free of unnecessary mess.

My PIC  and Fizzle Mama are doing some amazing things and are on amazing journeys and I couldn't be happier because that means I too am doing some amazing things and on an amazing journey.  When they succeed and knock down walls, so do I because we on this life train together.... laughing, living and learning and hopefully we won't get put off anytime soon cuz we got a lil color to our skin.  

"Recognizing another queen's dopeness doesn't make you a princess."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Yeah I Knew it was Wrong but....

so what?!?

Naw, that's not how I really feel.  That's me trying to mask this pain.  This pain that I have been nursing for a year or so. 


It seems like just yesterday, the sight of me was lighting up his world.  Not so much any more.  Not so much at all.  It's almost like I am a distant memory and I think that is what makes it hurt like H-E-double L Oh, yeah I know I need to get a grip.  I need to shake it off.  I need to let him go.


But I can't.  No, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't.  My heart won't let me.  That pesky thing.  It keeps reminding of how LOVE felt and looked on LUV.  That glow.  That sway.  That pep in my step.  Life was on FLEEK!  (teehee, I know my PIC loves that word)  Troubles were coming at me left and right but with love I felt like Mike Tyson in his prime combined with the GOAT. I was floating like a butterflying and knocking ninjas down in 23 seconds.  I felt like I had my old mojo back.  You know the mojo I had been mourning pre-twins.  It felt like a comeback.  A resurrection.  A... ???


It was a darn lie. 


How could he love me when he already had a Mrs. so he had already chosen she and not me..... Yeah, I thought about all this in the beginning but the feeling was so strong.  I needed to feel loved.  I needed to love.  I didn't want to die and think that I was damaged goods...good enough for loving folks but not good enough to get loved on in return.


My parents did a doosy on me....I pray I am not repeating history with NotSoMuchLikeChucky.  (yeah, I have to find him a new name just as soon as he stops semi acting like a spawn)


Truth of the matter is, I love HIM.  I love him.  I love him.  I have tried to stop loving him but I still love him.  Even though it feels like he no longer loves me....still I love him.


He claims he does but that we made a choice to end it (that's not really what WE decided but hey, I knew what it was when we started, but I really didn't). 


I believe people marry the wrong people.  Look at my parents.  They stayed married for 31 years just out of spite to keep the other one miserable.  But, I should have done the honorable thing and not got involved and I wouldn't be experiencing these withdrawal pains and second guessing what I can not go back and change.


I can't keep stressing....it's gonna kill me
I can't keep eating....my boobs getting too big
I can't keep not sleeping...imma kirk out on someone
I can't keep calling...he gonna start hating me


I gotta let go... I gotta let him go ... I gotta find a way to move on from something that is oh so wrong but felt just right.

"Some paths we make impassable due to our choices, throwing caution to the wind can lead to our butts being burnt by the fire."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Deflate Gate

He built me up with his grandiose tales of true love.
About how but for those papers and the timing we could be extraordinary.
Tales of wining and dining.
Loving and sexing, giving it to me good for at least 10 good minutes.


The more he fed me, the more I ate.  The more I ate, the bigger I got.
Until one day....
Pop!


My bubble was burst.  And my twisted dreams were shattered.
It didn't matter about those papers or even about the timing.
The watch could be stuck in time for all I cared and we would still be living a lie.


Long gone were the days of being fed off his plate.
Of the daily chats and check-ins to see if I was ok
Long gone were the days of him putting out my fires
So nothing on me was remotely burned
Long gone were the days where he was excited that I existed


I told myself I would not cry....
I told myself I got what I had coming...
I told myself that I was just fine....
I told myself to hold on to the memories...
I told myself to give it time and this too shall pass


Well hell, I don't have time and don't like time,
These seconds feel like centuries have past
This hole feels like it is Blue Black
It feels like I am drowning...


It's funny how one day you can be a Hit;
and the next day you are a Miss
Makes me hesitate to call it Love
But it darn sure wasn't Lust


I hear the hissing sound of the air start to lessen
So I know the end is near
Pretty soon there will be no air left
In this doomed fairytale

"Some heartache we can avoid by simply ignoring what's in our treacherous hearts."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Dear Me,

I don't always get it right, no matter how hard I try.  There is so much that has affected me when it comes to giving my heart.  I know it's crazy for those who have never walked my path, but I have been so broken that I am scared to even love myself.

Wonderful things have happened since I let them balloons go up.  I created space that allowed love to seep in.  Some love I could readily accept, other, I have to push on back out...everything ain't for everybody.  I went from faking it til I make it, to walking the walk instead of talking the talk.  Not only did I feel so lady, but I looked it too.  It was illuminating from my soul with such a glow that people often stopped me on the streets to inquire about it.  It's much to be said about a love so strong that it makes it impossible to hide because every inch of your body is telling on you.  Kool-aid smiles, skips in my step, song in my voice and glowing skin, all that from just letting love in.

It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go, a feeling that made all of those other awful experiences seem so far away, a feeling that I never wanted to forget, a feeling that I wanted to commemorate just in case I never felt this way again.

Loving you was allowing me to love me.  Wanting to give you my best meant that I had to first achieve my best.  I can't give you something that I don't have.  I embarked on the journey of self-love full of hope and excitement...I had finally tasted what it felt like to stand in the light of unconditional love.  From that love, I found the strength to tackle things that had held me paralyzed in fear for months....even years.  And before I knew it, I was sitting in a tattoo parlor declaring my love for all to see... and how fitting that tat was!

Gotta Love Me before I can truly love anyone else, and trust me when I say, "I love me some ME!"

"True love can't be denied, opening your eyes to a whole new world, a brand new day.  Can't you feel it?" ~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do......Smooches

No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Starting a New Book

i love you & i've loved you for a very long time...

i was so insecure, so broken, so mad, so NOT the me that I wanted to be when i met you.

i was so angry and so down that nothing you did made my smile last or erase the feeling that i really didn't want to be around you.

i wanted to love you....i wanted to know that you would love me forever & a day....one day

i thought that if i sexed you up good, you would stay.

but then i started hating myself because i was better than that...i'm sure you knew that

i hated you for a long time

i was so hurt and so confused ~ but once again i was trying to use sex to validate my space, confirm my place in your life.

but i am better than that...you know that

i love you and have loved you for a long time and probably always will

sure folks know you as the store but they also know you as HIM

HIM ~ the one i think of when i am lonely

HIM ~ the one i want to run to when i am scared

HIM ~ the one i want to grow old with

HIM ~ the one i want holding my hand to the very end

i wish i could say it didn't hurt

i wish i could say that i won in the end

i wish i could say that we rode off into the sunset

i wish i could make time stand still

i wish i had seized more moments

so i would have more memories to share

but i am done looking back and analyzing this story of you and me

i can honestly say that i am finally free

i understand your season and am grateful for the lesson

i fully understand that LUV is capable of loving

and it all started with me loving ME

"Sometimes you have to give thanks even when you don't see the blessing because I know God hasn't forgotten about lil ole me."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (smooches)

My Inkings on my Soul

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and repeat....it will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Almost Full Bloom

i remember when one of my readers commented that even though i was smiling, my eyes were crying.. *well that's what she meant even if she didn't say it like that* and she was right.

my eyes could no longer mask the turmoil of my soul. my despair. my depression. my downward spiral. my silent cry for help.

i wore many masks to shield me from any more hurt and pain BUT the masks only kept my tears from falling cuz the hurt and pain kept coming

and coming

and coming....

there were times where i tried to will myself to eternal sleep... i was done. i had fought the fine fight.. i had lost and i was okay with defeat...i just wanted it to end. i didn't want any more...there was no more fight in me

or so i thought

i am the descendant of the best of the best of the best cuz the weaker ones perished on the ship

all my life i have had to fight

life for me aint been no crystal nor no hardwood stair

and well when i was at my breaking point i remembered that i was perfectly imperfect and that God didn't make me to be broken.

yes, i was tired BUT was i so tired that i would finally stop trying to do it my way?

i had tried it my way for years and it hadn't fared well for me

so i decided to give God another go...

you know to rely on faith and let HIM fight my battles

you know HE can move mountains

and well like my natural hair journey,

the initial process was rocky and downright scary,

but the more i let go, the more i began to find my comfort zone and my peace

the more i was able to shed my outer layers and let love in

and out.

my tears flow freely now and well i am ok with that cuz

when i smile now, my eyes smile too

"i planted a new seed and allowed God to water it, now i am sitting back and watching it grow'

Gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do~ Smooches

3~ My Favorite Place

It's something about this place that just soothes my spirit and calms my soul... I love me some it..and it loves me

I was unstoppable, unmovable, unshakable.....

I was happy, confident, and determined

I soared freely in this CITY...

This City knows how to keep the fat girl living inside of me happy at all times.

This City kinda reminds me of me, it has two extremes: a bitter winter and a scorching summer


This City prepared me for greatness and it will always be my home

And they ain't never lied.....

CHITOWN HOMIES ARE THE CRAZIEST!!!!

"Sometimes holding on to the Past helps you remember that what once was, can be again..."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

But I don't know how.


I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:


how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Inside Out Beauty

Have you every stopped to marvel at the beauty of a flower? I mean just really appreciated the petals, the color and the stem and how it all worked together?




Have you ever, stopped and marveled at the bud that did not bloom and recognize it's potential beauty? Realizing that ultimately what's beautiful on the outside, gots to be beautiful on the inside. ... And what's beautiful on the inside gots to be beautiful on the outside.




So me and CQP have been beefing. He has been getting under my skin. Partly because he ain't hearing me and he's dyslexic when it comes to understanding texts. And partly because he is finally seeing me. Or maybe he has seen me before and was just pussyfooting around the issue. Kinda like I had been doing with Safeway. Seeing the Elephant and acting like it was a kitten. Some things cannot be sidestepped...some things have to be addressed...some things cannot be sugar coated....some things you have to just spit them out the best way that you know how and let the pieces and the hurt lay where they may fall.... some things you can't apologize for and some things you have to let go, no matter how much they hurt you.




Most of CQP questions are trivial gum drop questions...questions that just fill up the empty space and allows me to work on my standup. But there has been one question that he often poses to me that I have ignored because it was the comfortable thing to do. To answer it would cause me to look deep within because none of my surface okey doke answers would do, not for him and not for me.



Why do I fight myself and hold on to the things that cause me the most pain...(of course you know these ain't his words..)



This question has bothered me, it has nagged at my soul. Because it has the ability of exposing me for the lil' lost girl that I really am. It had the ability of collapsing not only my walls but sinking my foundation. (yeah that I was supposed to be revamping anyways)



But I want this. I want a do-over. I want to erase all the negativity that is embedded in my heart, mind and soul. I want to take back contol over my vessel. I want this even if I can not verbally express it or emotionally show it. I am so tired of feeling the sorrow of the world. So tired of bleeding invisible blood. So tired of second-guessing the best friend I have ever known: ME.




So today, a day after my Granddaddy's birthday and four days before mine, I have decided to let the world me really see what beauty I possess on the inside. I have found that I hide behind a lot of things: books, wit, glasses, work, drive, pain, sorrow, drama, big clothes, etc. But the biggest thing that I have hid behind has been my hair.


My hair has been the cause of much joy but also much pain. I remember being at Six Flags with a fresh press out. I remember my parents admonishing me about working too big of a sweat, 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember not being able to get on the water rides because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember when the sky opened up without a moment's notice and it started to unleash gallons and gallons of water on the screaming and scampering thrill seekers. I remember my brothers racing to a nearby stand to grab a bag for my hair because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember racing to the car and getting in the car and taking off the bag and laughing...My hair had not only turned back, it looked like I was first generation African. I also remembered wondering, when had I voiced that I didn't like my hair the way it was.


I didn't like the pressing comb. My mother always burned my ear and my head when she pressed it. It took all day and only lasted 15 minutes. I didn't like relaxers because they left scabs in my head because I was always scratching my head, even as the goob was getting applied to my head. And then, my mother was always finding someone to do my hair in their "home shop" and when my hair fell out the next day, she would understand why that person did hair in their home and not IN a shop. In high school my mother made me get my hair done every week because she always said my hair looked a hot mess...and I'm sure it did...but it was my hot mess. I always got accolades from both sexes when my Do was just right. I always felt good when the Indians were not just on the tips, but could be seen throughout my head. I am not sure when I started determining my beauty based on my hair, its texture, and its length...but it happened.

I have been wanting to start-over for a long time...especially with my hair. It is currently falling out due to my too blessed to be stressed, stress. I have wanted to stop the relaxers because I am tired of getting a touch-up every five weeks. I am tired of being a prisoner to my fears. I am tired of having my self-worth and beauty determined by superficial things. I am tired of being afraid to start over. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have never been much of a 'talker' I have been a doer.. and for a minute I have been going back and forth about this hair thing. I have been telling everyone that I want a do-over...then I have set back and listened to what all the naysayers have said...


Well last time I checked, them same haters told me that I couldn't be the 1st Black valedictorian in my high school, told me that I could not make it on my own, told me that I could not do law school as a single parent, told me that I wasn't beautiful because I wasn't light, didn't have straight feet, white teeth, didn't have really long hair, didn't have a big butt (but i really did used to have a dunk..i did) and well to them haters I say:


Look at me now,










Now that I ain't gots no hair (smile) maybe you too can finally see the beauty that lies within me that has been so wrapped in this protective bud, also lies on the outside. (now let me go straighten my wig)



"I have been waiting for my do-over; today, I realize that I really had been waiting in vain because all I had to do to get a fresh start was to allow my bud to open up and blossom."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

CQP: the answer is because I felt they defined me and determined my worth...was a testament to how strong I was...what I could endure...like battle wounds,scars. Gave me street cred...It was all that I had to hang my hat on...but no more, I am now in control of the ink that will memorialize the rest of this crazy journey...you welcome to come along for the ride.

i plan to get caught up on everyone's blogs this weekend so please excuse the late comments

The Curse of My Gift

I have a very peculiar gift.


A lot of people swear they wish they had it.


People are always astounded by it.

I HATE it on most occasions.

I have an extraordinary memory. I can not only remember things from 30 years ago (there I go dating myself) but I can remember very specific details like: conversations (verbatim), outfits worn, where people stood, exact locations, etc...etc. Stuff that no one should want to remember.


My short term memory is more profound than my long term memory. I can memorize vast amount of knowledge in a short period of time and regurgitate it upon command, on most occasions. This is how I made it through law school. I did not open most books until the week of finals. Since my grade would only consist of my final there was no need for me to store all that mundane jargon throughout the school year when I could just cram during finals week. It's also how I passed the Bar after only studying for three days.

So many may be reading this and saying well what is the problem..sounds good to me.. the problems is I just don't remember the good, I remember EVERYTHING, the good and the bad. And some days it just seems like the bad outweighs the good.


Maybe that's why I wouldn't commit to writing this blog as openly as I needed to...maybe that's why it took another tragedy to get me into therapy. I remember that I started going to the Rape Crisis Center... I went for a couple of sessions and just stopped going. It was too much for me. While the ladies were up sharing, I was transported back to my room, to my bed, to my apartment where I was being victimized. Do you know what it's like to be victimized in what's supposed to be your safe haven? Everyday that I came home, I relived this tragedy. Scene by scene. Because that's what it had become for me: a movie.


I hated coming home because I knew the minute that I opened the door, I would be transported back in time. So, I took to doing things to take my mind off the foolishness like dating losers (and I am not calling them losers after-the-fact, I knew they were losers before hand), eating baking soda, and writing. That's how I met my child's donor. That's partially why I am sick right now. I wrote a book about my ordeal and when I was approached by a publisher to publish it, I freaked out and shelved the book. I also started doing something else that I hadn't done before, I started editing my tragedy.


Each day I would change a scene. Sometimes it would be something small and other times it would be something big. It got to the point that I had edited it so much that I didn't even get raped, I got away...and well that's probably why the rape never really bothered me per se, I had fooled myself into believing that it didn't really happened the way that it happened. Now the twins, that was something totally different, I couldn't edit that pain away.

I couldn't change the fact that so many people told me their dying was the best because I shouldn't have tried to keep the rapist baby. I couldn't edit out the look on my child's face as I held him in the palm of my hand as he died. I couldn't edit out the pain that I felt at having to go through most of the ordeal alone because I didn't know who would be bitten with the stupid bug. I couldn't edit scenes and I couldn't numb the pain or blink away the stupid people.

There are a lot of painful episodes in my life that I can't let go of because they are so fresh in my mind, it's like they just happened. So, I can't forgive, because I can't forget that you stood there and laughed at me and played that stupid Ebony and Ivory song at a time when I needed to be told that I was pretty, that Black was beautiful...anything BUT that I was black followed by the snickering and the playing of Stevie's song. I can't trust because I hear and replay all of the broken promises that were broken even before they left the lips of the people uttering them.


So, you can imagine that this can get tiresome. It was sorta like I had pain OCD because my mind would not constantly replay the good episodes, it was only the ones that caused my knees to buckle that my brain had on repeat. Maybe it was a defense mechanism...keeping the pain fresh in my mind so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistake twice. But it had the opposite effect; I typically fell into the same situation, scenario, relationship because I couldn't mentally edit the outcome. So, I had to try and physically alter the outcome by proving to myself that if placed in the almost exact situation again, I would come away with different results.

Well, you should know how that worked for me.

Yup, it got me a whole bunch of new painful episodes for my brain to replay.


So, I developed another way to deal with the issues of remembering so much: I stopped listening and participating. I only listen to half of what people tell me so when I go to process the info later on, I can't because it doesn't make sense. I only participate 50% in a relationship so I am very rarely forced to "show-up." How can I, I only remember half of what was said and half of that I have edited to fit my needs.

And while this new technique works to a certain degree, it does nothing for the syndicated programs that play daily in my head. How do I pull the plug on them? How do I turn them off. How do I let the real healing begin? Because I can't stop treating Jack Sprat like Jack Benimble if I am reliving my relationship with Jack every second of the day.


I wonder if I can't forget because I haven't forgiven or if I can't forgive because the images are so etched in my mind and heart.... I don't know. But I have started trying something new, because you know what they say....

I have started forgetting not so good events in my life as soon as they happen and you know what, I find that I don't have a need to forgive because I can't even remember actually why I was upset in the first place. I have also started giving most people the benefit of the doubt and not instantly believing they meant to cause me harm. This has also eliminated my need to forgive because if it wasn't done maliciously, there is no need to sweat it, so I just let it roll right off my back and on out the door.

No need to make a sitcom out of a doomed pilot.

"They tell us that we should forgive and forget, it is the Christian way. But how do you forgive if you can't forget the hurt and pain that were caused by the deed? How do you forget something that you are trying so hard not to forgive? I guess the real question would be: how do you progress forward when you steady holding on to what's behind you?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz i Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine

*******WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG EVEN FOR ME AND IT IS GONNA BE KINDA MUDDLED AT TIMES, BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT SO THAT I CAN SORT IT OUT (MAYBE)********


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.


My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a motha...so he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.


But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?


"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

What's A Gurl To Do?

I mean really? Do I continue being cordial with you because you are now concerned about me because I am sick? I mean really what do you expect me to do? Do you expect me to continue being nice and forget about the hell you have recently put me through? Did you think I was lying when I said that I was more your friend than you were mine? I mean really what's a girl to do when nothing I held sacred was sacred to you?

So you think I may be crushing on CQP or he on me...now that's funny cuz I think he carries fairy dust and he thinks that I am a prime candidate for Saint E.

I mean how do I get pass the fact that I no longer trust anything you say or do? That my heart has moved on from you. Three years of pining and chasing after you...I have wasted so much time and well the rest may not even be mine to choose, but even if I could, why would I choose to spend it with you?

It's funny because we have had some really OPEN convos...convos that have amazed you...what you say, that you haven't heard me this calm and emotion free in a long time? I had to chuckle when you said this because everyone sees a different me...

I have been holding on to this hate for so long and now that I have finally decided to let this hatred go and live my life, everyone is taking notice. It's funny how many dudes are seriously trying to approach me. It's even funnier that I no longer care about how rejection is going to sound to their ears. I am shutting them down at hello and letting them know that I am working on me. I am dating me. I am seeing me and no, I do not have the time, space, nor the energy to deal with them.

But what about you? How should I proceed...I'm not really sure BUT I have been sitting still a lot lately listening to my soul and, well seeing that I no longer get butterflies when I talk to you and no longer have to change ; -), I think it's high time for me to excuse you from the table.

You are dismissed. You are the weakest link....Bye Bye

"Doesn't it feel good to be loved by me...Luv?"

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.


(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)


So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:


Counting my blessings.


People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.


The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.


I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.


The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).


"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be loved...in theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it official...do they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never fails...so why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.

Why?

Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' pain...it keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Lawd What Have I gotten Myself Into?

Sweet Jesus! It feels like I have Chucky and Chucky's Bride up in this piece. These two are driving me bananas. And when I say these two, I am talking about my child that I pushed out after 21 hrs 45 min and 31 sec of natural child birth and my sister's child. YEAH THIS WOULD BE MY BIOLOGICAL SISTER'S CHILD

I mean CQP (quack quack) thought it would be a good thing for my child seeing that he was still having trouble adjusting to his situation ... thinking that his being able to be my BIG HELPER would help move him right along...move him right along in front of that bus I am gonna throw him and her in front of...

I mean every 10 secs there's somebody crying and it's usually him. I'm like dude you 6 and she 2..get over it. (I mean she did whack him in the head with a metal lunchbox..but the other times she just tapped him) He falls out on the floor and screams, "Mommy she hit me...Mommy she is sitting next to me...MOMMY she calling you MOMMY.." I am about to put a sock in it and I ain't talking about one of those 3 for $5 specials... geez

And this child she is like Houdini's twin sister. I mean I have strapped her down in every contraption I can think of and find and just when I stick my chest out thinking I have finally defeated Chucky's spawn, I feel her tapping me on my leg, "Ma-Ma...I got out." I mean I have invested in just about every car seat out there and she gets out... now I am about to buy some chains and chain her lil butt down.. let's see how she likes those apples. She has no discipline, no structure, no sense of danger and no common sense. (if she did she wouldn't fool with me) So everything is "No." The other day while driving she hit me in the back of my head with a chicken bone because I wouldn't take it from her when she said she was done. The look on my child's face as I turned around to admonish her was priceless.. he was like, yes, this lil girl is about to meet her destruction and then I can have the back seat back to myself.

But she's two and she doesn't know the ropes so I give her a stern talking to and ask her if she understands and she says no and then proceeds to shout Hallelujah Hallelujah.. I gots her Hallelujah and will raise her by two...she will be seeing angels if she keeps messing with me and my child.

So, to say it's an adjustment is an understatement. But what's funnier is people's reaction to me having her. "Why do you have her?" "What are you going to do with her?" ( I don't know, I thought about eating her for dinner but she still poops on herself) Um, what happens if your sister wants her child back? (Um, it's her child. I don't want her. I have one special child, wasn't really in the market for one even more special... I am shooting for a normal child) Why didn't your sister keep her? (well, it's quite evident that whatever is going on inside her world she felt it was best to send her child away to be with someone else. I think this is much better than cutting the child's head off or shoving her in a dryer and turning it on... or selling her into prostitution)

I am a lot of things but heartless is not one of them. I typically do not sit up and talk about a situation without trying to be apart of the solution. I am not sure what is going on...but I am sure that I can raise a semi-emotionally stable child. I am willing to keep trying to get it right as long as people are willing to trust their children with me.

"Be the change you want to see in this world. Stop sitting around passing judgment and pouring salt on people. Love thy neighbor or thy niece as yourself..lawd, God knew how to keep me on my knees talking to him in the 2010 cuz this situation gonna take a lot of prayer."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Breaking the Silence and the Cycle

It's bound to be painful...

whether I let it all gush out at once or let it slowly seep out.

and though some things won't be pleasant, at times they will make me and you uncomfortable......

BUT THEY NEED TO BE SAID; THEY NEED TO BE ADDRESSED

And it goes without saying that sometimes the only way we can heal is to have reached rock bottom.

For us to have tried all of of concoctions in our head that we believe will work and have them all fail miserably before we are able to recognize that we need help. And to seek that help.

Sometimes I think that I would have been better off if I would have died on May 15, 2000. I mean my already unsteady world exploded around me. I died on the inside and the lil bit of sanity I had been holding on to for a raining day, disappeared.

All of my decisions became one of uncertainty. My mind never found peace because it was constantly scrutinizing every decision I had made throughout the course of the day. Should I have eaten those 2 hot fudge brownie sundaes... should I work here or there..should I have signed the lease.. should I buy the property.. did I do good by giving him my number...she's real, no, no...she's fake, no she's real..um maybe she's real and fake.

And typically when I had decided that she was fake she turned out to be real...and when I thought she/he was real they turned out to be more bogus than Bush's concern for the Katrina victims.

My decision to open up my home to someone who then decided to take advantage of my kindness by violating me has damaged me. It has made me question every decision I have made since then...but no longer.

I cannot constantly let my day be consumed with replaying something I did 10-12 hours prior. It is time to free my mind of the unnecessary drama.

Broken the cycle of indecisiveness, procrastination, and non-action.

They say to keep your friends close, and your enemies closer..

Well, I have kept everyone at arm's length as of late (except the Faithful 10)

I just don't have time? energy? the use for? I don't know what it is....I just don't like wasting time or dealing with fake people or unnecessary situations. So, I typically just cut people off. Man, woman, babe, child, friend, family, foe. It really didn't matter. So, as it stands, I haven't talked to my Grandma or my brother in almost ten years.... that's a long time. There are friends that I have just wiped out of my life as well. I don't call and check up on my parents or my siblings because I really don't care, but I should care...shouldn't I?

Harboring grudges and resentment has made the space that I had available to love and accept love very cramped....no longer.

People are people and we are bound to step on one another toes and hearts but LOVE CAN COVER ANYTHING...so I forgive them and the other people who I let in who secretly plotted and prayed for my downfall...who talked about my child being an embarrassment...who kicked me when I was down and written me off as being nothing..I forgive you because you saw in me what I had failed to see: Stuntin ain't easy and you'll never be as great as me!

Broken: taken account and keeping record of all those who have wronged me (and to prove it, I have agreed to raise my niece for a little while. I probably have had 4 conversations with my sister over the last 8 years and when she asked me to help, I said yes without hesitation...life goes on)

I am afraid of unsafe heights, of being a piss poor mother, of never reaching my full potential, of never being funny, pretty, or smart enough. I am afraid of never finding love that will not leave.

Sometimes this fear paralyzes me and causes me to do things to destroy an uncomfortable situation for me versus having to face the situation head on.

So instead of waiting to see where love was going to end up...I pushed love into the arms of another so that I wouldn't have to deal with love choosing on its own...no longer

I may not know really what love is but I do know that I long for it and that I deserve it and that the next time it finds me, I am going to embrace it

Broken: denying love

I will edit this later...this has emotional drained me... so pardon typos and whatnots

"Trust is as fragile as a man's ego...once broken, it's hard to repair."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)