It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate STAT..so my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.


(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)


So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:


Counting my blessings.


People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.


The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.


I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.


The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).


"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)