My Inkings on my Soul

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and repeat....it will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Almost Full Bloom

i remember when one of my readers commented that even though i was smiling, my eyes were crying.. *well that's what she meant even if she didn't say it like that* and she was right.

my eyes could no longer mask the turmoil of my soul. my despair. my depression. my downward spiral. my silent cry for help.

i wore many masks to shield me from any more hurt and pain BUT the masks only kept my tears from falling cuz the hurt and pain kept coming

and coming

and coming....

there were times where i tried to will myself to eternal sleep... i was done. i had fought the fine fight.. i had lost and i was okay with defeat...i just wanted it to end. i didn't want any more...there was no more fight in me

or so i thought

i am the descendant of the best of the best of the best cuz the weaker ones perished on the ship

all my life i have had to fight

life for me aint been no crystal nor no hardwood stair

and well when i was at my breaking point i remembered that i was perfectly imperfect and that God didn't make me to be broken.

yes, i was tired BUT was i so tired that i would finally stop trying to do it my way?

i had tried it my way for years and it hadn't fared well for me

so i decided to give God another go...

you know to rely on faith and let HIM fight my battles

you know HE can move mountains

and well like my natural hair journey,

the initial process was rocky and downright scary,

but the more i let go, the more i began to find my comfort zone and my peace

the more i was able to shed my outer layers and let love in

and out.

my tears flow freely now and well i am ok with that cuz

when i smile now, my eyes smile too

"i planted a new seed and allowed God to water it, now i am sitting back and watching it grow'

Gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do~ Smooches

The Talking Lizard Must Die!!! ~ Day 11

Dear Lizard Brain,

i’ve been noticing you popping up at certain points in this challenge and in my life. It seems like every time I want to do something for my own happiness and growth, you show up to tear me down.

For instance, when I tried to __open my mail_______, you showed up in the form of procrastination. I wanted to see it through, but instead I sabotoged my success by letting it pile up again and leaving it in the box__.

Another example was when I tried to change my life by __starting my own baking business__________ and you came along in the form of self-doubt. I knew I wanted to shift gears, but instead, you told me that __i was too poor to see it become anything to write home about so i let those offers that were on the table expire__________.

So I see what you’re doing and I don’t like it. Yes, I know that you’re afraid of change. You’re afraid of what will happen if I succeed. But what you have to understand is that whatever happens in my life will work out for my good. I was put here on earth for a purpose and you are keeping me from fulfilling that potential.

Well, until now, you have.

I will no longer allow you to stop my progress in living my ideal life. So the next time I see you, I will simply give you a nod and go on about my business.

It’s been nice knowing you, but now it’s time that we part ways.

Sincerely,

[me~ LUV]

haha..it's so funny how my path of progress and this 31reset challenge are in sync.. my writing my feelings down about that guy in my previous blog was a way of me cutting off the lizard's tail...next I am gonna cut off that lizard's head because I am going to see my baking business all the way through...-----> please click like over there and tell a friend about the yummy goodness found at Tweet's Sweets.

So they tell me...

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you vulnerable..you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)




I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it do...so when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)




Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I Think I Can....

But does that mean that I can?



I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?



I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?



What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?



What if?



I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.



I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.



I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..





I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?





"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

When It's All Said And Done

I want what you want...



Some days I want it more than you...



And other days, not so much.

I want to be free!


Free from it all...


It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.

It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.

It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.

It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.

It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.

It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.

It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.

It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.

It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.

See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.

It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.

It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)

It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.

So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.

"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

1 ~ Allow Me 2 Introduce Myself

(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)



My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.



I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.



I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.


I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect



I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.

"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Letting it Flow

And letting it go......

It's a scary kind of refreshing, to just not really care about the small stuff. You know the stuff that makes you second guess and question everything.

You know the stuff that ends friendships and destroys marriages....

Stuff that if kept in will have you popping lots and lots of pills before you are old...

Yup, that's the kinda stuff I have been discarding from my life. And it's funny cuz some of the stuff I had to step out of the 'limelight' to do. You know, I had to leave my surroundings and the "imaginary" glaring eyes to do.

So when I tell you this road trip was good for me, it was good for me. I am at peace with a lot of things. I see some things a lot clearer. I made some leaps and bounds. I had been transforming for a minute, but the fact that I changed my surroundings allowed me to make some transformations rather quickly without being under the scrutiny or watchful eye of my posse'.

I didn't have to hear, 'oh, look at you, is that this or that you wearing or got on?' I just did it and got to decide for myself whether I liked or did not like the transformation. And since no one outside of the four that traveled with me, knew me, the responses I received from them were at least based on nothing I had done in the Past.

I had never been a girly girl, and to tell you the truth, I still ain't. I used to hate any and everything associated with being a girly girl: glitter, makeup, purses, accessories, if Barbie has it, I hate it (except Ken, I love me some Ken).

Well, the entire time I was away, I wore some type of makeup (yup, sure did). Now I ain't saying that I always looked on point, cuz some days it looked like I was a Vegas act, but, it was a learning experience and I felt good regardless of how it looked to me....and the fact that I was hit on several times everyday, I am guessing it wasn't that bad. I also wore accessories, even went out and bought some while on my trip. I have to be honest, I am not really feeling the bows in the hair, but I will give it a few more tries before I bail. I have also been wearing my feet out with a fresh pedicure, even got designs on the big toes. I am soooo against designs on my feet, just cause more people to look at your toes...but I did it and guess what...I liked it. With each passing day, my feet looked less and less like bear claws and more like regular ole feet.

Since I have been home, I have been keeping up with the self-motivated make-over and let me tell you, it has paid off. I have found myself in situations where I was glad that I didn't look like I had just rolled out of bed...like the time I went to my child's camp and this 23 yr old with a body like #whoa was all in my face....then some of the officers who were throwing a cookout at the camp made sure I got what I wanted first. But the true test will be this week, cuz it's back to work and back to my old environment, and well, you know some habits die hard....

But I didn't come this far to just roll over and play dead!

"Sometimes you have to allow yourself space and time to change and grow...sometimes you have to go somewhere new to get that fresh start you are looking for."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.



I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.


Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...


Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

My Sunshine Has Come....

and life is oh, so good...nope, it's GREAT!

And ain't nothing changed but my outlook on life. I'm still over here rubbing 2 nickels together praying they will turn into two quarters. I feel amazing, and I know I have more pep in my step cuz I am causing traffic jams and accident from all the gauking.

I am finally realizing that I hold the key to my own happiness. I can be happy and be alone. i can be happy and be in a room full of people, with all their pretentious ways and still be happy.

I can be happy and be poor. I can be happy! Wow, even I can be happy despite all that I have endured...endurance, that is a trait a lot of us have to cultivate cuz God is not going to deliver us out of everything.

I have resolved each day to choose something that I want to do differently, not that I SHOULD do differently...

And today I choose to see the world differently...see it as filled with people just like me trying to make it to the next level, trying to make it all make sense for them, trying to keep their head above water...and for that I choose to exercise a little more patience; not only with the people that I meet, but also, with myself because NO ONE is perfect.

And with that I shall find that I have more time to smile and be happy than to frown and be mad.

"I have the power to be happy, it's up to me to choose whether to exercise this power, for happiness truly is a state of mind."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Getting Out of My Head....

.......AND OUT OF MY OWN WAY!!!!!






I have been "head blogging" for a minute now which has caused me to DOUBLE POST. (Kanye triple posts..lol)


Oh, well, such is life. This is my space, so if you don't like it, I am sure you know where the "next" button is.




I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. I was on facebook and one of my old homies changed his status to something about "if you missed it before, here's your chance to ask any question you want and I will answer truthfully."

So me, being me, I inboxed him and asked "Are you gay?" Now, I have never ever thought he was gay. He was too much of a whore in highschool for the thought to ever cross my mind. I just wanted to mess with him and to see what his off-based, off-colored, out of order response was going to be?

And his response ...well let's just say that I am glad he didn't go into detail on why he liked the female genitalia. He then asked me, why I asked him that...did I think he was gay. Of course I told him that I was just messing with him and that I even had another question that I was going to ask him but..um I didn't ask it.

I choked. Well it wasn't that I choked as much as I wasn't sure I would be able to digest the response had it been negative; therefore I chose a question that would not jeopardize my well-being in any way. So yeah I choked. So to make up for me choking I asked him if he wanted to return the favor and ask me anything and I would answer honestly.

So, he asks me if I wrote in his senior yearbook in a purple pen. WTW? Um, I don't know. Which is weird cuz I have a beastly memory. So I tell him, "I don't know...what did it say?" He responses..."some freaky stuff" WTW.. Now I am frantically trying to remember if it was me and if so, what did I write, but um, in high school I was pretty much like I am now when it comes to freakiness I KEEPS IT ON THE LOW so I wouldn't have out-ed myself like that...esp in high school. I was still proud to be president of the V Club. So I tell him, "if it was freaky it probably wasn't me..but why you think to ask?" His response, "because I remembered you like purple"

And guess what yall, I did and I still do. Who knew he paid so much attention to me. I mean some of the Faithful Ten don't even know about my love affair with purple...or rather they choose to forget. I mean this was my boy. We ran with the same gang so we were cool. And I was a tomboy, so yeah we were doubly cool.

The thing is, I used to have a crush on him and never told him because of how I thought he and everyone else viewed me. I thought his response would have been the same as that skinny peg head Snoop dog rejectl ookalike (sorry having a moment). So I never told him or showed it. Even though I thought at times that he was feeling me. But now I was curious to know...just as I was curious to know when I first saw his status and went to ask him before my nerves got the best of me....

I looked at our back and forth and I said to myself, "Luv, we are changing...we are growing.. we are moving out of our own way, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. What does it matter what his response is now to something that took place a decade ago.. You don't want him now AND he married with 3 kids, so he bet not want you. It is time to step pass fear."

So I FB'd back "did you use to have a crush on me?" and I pressed send. There was nothing to do but wait, or not. Before I could decide what to do and let fear paralyze my heart, his response was delivered to my inbox.

And low and behold if he didn't admit that he did have a crush on me and that "they" thought I was cute but that I was a good girl and that "they" didn't want to ruin me or bring me down to their level.

WTW...you mean all this time I had been going around thinking that dudes weren't approaching me because they thought I was ugly AND they really wasn't approaching me because of the standards that I set for myself and maintained? You mean that dudes really can tell your worth and will respect it when you respect it first? You mean that a lot of this pain, anguish, and frustration I have experienced since high school could have been avoided had I just held onto my standards and stayed out of my head?


For my word..


"Sometimes we can be the cause of our greatest downfall."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Dear God

Sometimes I wonder what your plan is for me. Sometimes I wonder if you really, really love me. I look back over my life and Sum Tymes, I Wanna Cry. I want to cry for a childhood that I will never know. I want to cry for the people who really loved me being taken away from me when I wasn't ready to let them go. I want to cry for never feeling like I belonged....anywhere. I want to cry for being born into confusion and chaos. I want to cry for never really having anyone around to fight for me when I was tired of fighting for myself. I want to cry just cause I don't even really know how to cry any more. Sometimes I think I used up the best parts of me trying to get through all of the foolishness that surrounded me.

My life is changing..it's coming full circle..and when I think about my life and compare them with the last 10, I realize this: The last decade was hell not because of what I went through but because I did not have you. I was mad at the world and most importantly, I was mad with you. I thought you owed me something, instead of realizing that I owed you. Before, even in my darkest hour, you always gave me something to smile about, something to hold on to, something to push forward to, something...never allowing me to give up even when that seemed to be the popular option.

I have been so focused on the bad, that I have been blind to the good. I have seen the people who have done me wrong, which has overshadowed the people that have done me right.

I am changing; therefore things around me are changing.

I am excited and I am scared. I have known success and I have known failure. I have known praise and I have known ridicule. I have known righteousness and I have known darkness. I have done things that many only dream of and things that still haunt me in my dreams.

But, nevertheless, I am ready to move forward. I am ready for my forever. I am ready to be molded so that you can reveal your master plan. I am ready to stop standing in the way of my own happiness.

On Sept. 1st, I will complete a process, a process that has taken 2 years because of many things and because of nothing at all. Three days later, I will celebrate the anniversary of the day that rocked mine and my child's world. And celebrate I will because who knows if I would have grown so much in LOVE in such a short time, but for that day.

I am ready for the next phase and it's process....


"A closed fist doesn't get fed...sometimes we block our blessings simply because we aren't open to receiving them. Sometimes we have to stop focusing on all the people that have done us wrong and all the things that have gone bad in order to see all the people that have our back and to see all the things that go right."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday Therapy (part 1) ~ Fill 'er Up

Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.

I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...

Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.

People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.


So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)


So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.


I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.


Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded up....so even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.


Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.


Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes people...so I am back to square one...stumped.


What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?


"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Staying in the Moment

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'



I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.


I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?


I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.


I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.


I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.


I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.


"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Leaps And Bounds

I have been jumping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and well some of them I have had to just knock down and step over.


It is what it is at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter how I get over them as long as I GET OVER IT.


And I have gotten over a lot of things. Like Safeway or SupaD as he likes to be called. I finally realized that I was in love with the possibility of who he could be and not with who he was and once I came to terms with that he may never realize his full potential, I kicked him to the curb. We still chat it up but it ain't like it used to be. I see his mouth moving but I don't hear a thang.


I have made great leaps with loving myself. Luv is truly in love with Luv and I think it shows. I am taking better care of myself. I am eating better. No more 2 and 3 hot fudge brownie sundaes a day. I have started eating salads for lunch and fruits for breakfast, unless OTIS is coming then all bets are off, I am trying to eat up everything in my house and your house too. I am courting myself trying to see what they things are that I am attracted to and what things about me turn me off. Yup, getting myself tight for my Mr. Right. Cuz, my Mr. Right bet not be your Mr. Right cuz my sharing days are long gone.



I have managed a household of 3 with very limited funds and not stressed too much about it. I am learning to rely upon Jah and leave doubt on the wayside. It has been a very challenging walk for me. I have gotten caught up on this hurdle a time or two. I want to do things my way, but I am learning that if I want to prosper I gots to get out of my own way.


Chucky is finally recovering from his Sept 4th incident. And that in itself gives me reason to smile.


I have been identifying things that I want to improve in my life and/or change and the qualities I need in a mate.

I need to be more patient and open to having someone assist me. But just in case this never happens, I need a patient, understanding, long-suffering man. I need someone who can look through my hard outer core and see down to the pits of my soul and know without a doubt that I love him even if I can't show it. To know that I have been hurt on so many occasions that I activated every safety precaution available to me.

I need to learn to listen and trust that the one speaking will not try and sell me a wooden nickle. I don't mind riding shotgun if I know I have a skilled driver behind the wheel. I need someone who will not lead us into destruction . I need someone who will speak lovingly to me, even when I am being a butt.


I need to show emotion in the instance that I am feeling that emotion. I have to open the gate sometimes before my visitors stop stopping by. I have to relinquish some control and let nature take it's course. I need a man who also will let me know without a doubt that I am his everything.


I need to continue working on loving me to the fullest. The more I love myself the more space I open up for others to love me. The more I treat myself good, the more also will follow suit.


I still have some things I cannot get over. Not sure why. It's not too high. Not too low. It's really just right but for some reason I am intimidated by what this leap would mean and so I avoid it hoping it will just up and disappear. I know it won't but there is no harm and wishing.


"Lesson Learned are things we can chalk up to the game. They aren't there to make us feel bad about ourselves but rather to give us a tool to measure how much we have grown. Embrace them, they are apart of you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

Letting My Hair Down

I don't do it often...

Actually, I couldn't remember the last time I just let loose, so I am guessing it was long overdue.

I mean I have been going through it, above it, under it and around it. So I figured I could use a little me time and well, I took it. I did something I haven't done in a long time, I treated myself.

That's right you read right, I treated myself to an all expense paid one day getaway. (well something is better than nothing right) I mean if it was just Chucky, I would have went for the weekend, but it's pushing it to ask anybody to watch Chucky's Bride two nights in a row.

I had a longing to see Monica. It's something about her voice, her songs that soothe my soul. I mean she has truly been through a lot and had to go through it while the world was watching and criticizing. Me, I just go through it in the comforts of my home...

So right around the time I was coming to terms that I needed to cry, I decided that I also needed to continue living, and that I needed to make an outward show that I was now living. I remembered that I used to treat myself to concerts all of the time. I was very fortunate to see my all-time favorite artist LUTHA three times. Oh, how I miss him so. I thought it would be fitting for me to see Monica cuz like her, I am Still Standing. Well, she wasn't performing in the DMV and the closest show to me was Atlantic City so I made it up in my mind that I would go. I asked a couple of my girlfriends if they wanted to join me... a few of my sistah friends were going through it too and I figured we would be great company for one another. If not, I would Still Stand by my lonesome.

The fact that I was on a tight budget did not deter me...when had I not been on a tight budget. The fact that I could not find a reasonably priced hotel did not deter me. If I had to sleep in my car, I would get there, I might not smell too nicely but I would be there.

Well, in the end, it all worked itself out. I got a really nice room for really cheap. I was able to implement Ms. Serenity's makeup techniques and enhance my divaness. And Ms. Monica herself (who sang her butt off) tweeted me back on Twitter. (yup, still floating)

So here are some pics of me letting go and letting loose, enjoy:

This dude was trying to push us into the water...I had to let him know that I was from the Chi and I would shank him.

"The more I treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, the more I realize that I am the ultimate prize. No longer checking for peeps who ain't checking for me cuz 'I am too fly for [anyone's] day to day'." (Monica StayGo)

~ gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do (smoooooooooooooches)

It's Been A Long Long Time Coming

And, it's time for me to stop numbing the pain.


It's funny because I don't even remember when I mastered the art of defusing pain. I know I have a high tolerance for physical pain...but I am not sure when I totally became numb to the emotional pain.


The memories used to haunt me, daily. Used to keep me up at night, shaking. I didn't want to close my eyes because I didn't want to slip into the realm where it felt like I was reliving it again. At least with my eyes open, I knew that I was just daydreaming and that the harsh realities of my visions had already come to pass.


I had forgotten the pain I felt growing up as me. I had forgotten what it felt like...I had forgotten how painful it was for me to be powerless in saving my babies..I had forgotten why the windows to my soul always looked like they had a murky haze on them.

I lost myself in my book. I lost myself in my job. I lost myself in worthless men. I lost myself in food. I lost myself in despair.


I know me and knew that something was heavy on my soul that needed to be addressed, but I could not pinpoint what it was. I thought it had to do with me blaming myself, so I discussed that but the feeling did not go away. I thought it was about me giving up on my child because I was taking his acting out so personally. So I discussed that but the feeling was still there. I thought it was this, I thought it was that...still no release from the tightness and the heaviness growing in my heart.

I had been planning on blogging about how Chucky and his bride were progressing. How the category 6 storm had downgraded to a tropical storm. How things were finally settling down and I was getting a lil' more peace in my house. But I received a text from my sister yesterday informing me that she will be coming to get Chucky Bride soon and that she is about to have yet another baby. And I immediately texted back asking her what is she going to do with this baby and asked about my nephew that is now 1 yrs old that she walked out the door with when he was two weeks old and never returned with. I mean you have 2 kids and someone else is caring for them...and now you about to have another. Birth control would not be the answer... neither would tying of her tubes. She is searching for love...searching for proof that she belongs, that she matters, that she is valued and that is when it hit me...


The last time I saw CQP, he hurt my feelings. He didn't try to, and I am sure he doesn't even realize that he did..but he did. We were going through the different issues that result in a person having self-value issues. I just couldn't wrap my head around why I didn't value myself especially with all that I had accomplished. So CQP broke it down for me about how terrible my childhood was...about basically how my parents failed at showing me that I was priceless and at showing me love...and then the peeps that did love and value me, they unfortunately weren't permanent features in my life...so I have been trying to reconcile my value ever since.

While he was talking and bringing up things I had told him that had happened to me, I felt a pain like I hadn't felt in a long time. I saw me at 4 and 5 crying myself to sleep in my bed. I heard my prayers to God asking HIM why did he choose these people to be my family. I saw myself comparing myself to others trying to figure out what was wrong with me...trying to see what I could do differently to get my parents to love me, to see me, to understand me, to cherish me.

I remembered how alone and unloved I felt. I remembered wanting to disappear. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was receiving. I remember hating myself.

So as he is talking I am wondering, 'why didn't I just end it all when I was little because I had a very dysfunctional childhood and standing here looking back, I am not even sure how I made it through.'


On April __, 2000, the doctors told me that I was going to die. This was right after they scooped my stillborn son into a specimen cup. They wanted to take my other son. I basically told them that they could go to hell. They assured me that I only had 2 choices, neither of which I morally agreed with. I told them if I died, I would die with my baby and I meant that and well, I did.

I remember the pain I felt. I remember how powerless I felt. Most of all, I remembered that I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I couldn't mourn. I had work to do. I had to fight for my firstborn's brother. I had to try and make him stick or at least get to a point where he could live outside of my body.

I remember for 3 weeks I fought everyone. I fought my mother and her ignorant, drama filled lies. I fought my grandmother. I fought the insensitive nurses. I fought the incompetent doctors. I fought against my body's natural urge to abort my child. I fought the paramedic worker.

I fought with all my might and I still lost.


I remember holding my son in my arms...watching him fight to breath, fight to live, fight to be seen. I remember being angry. I remember feeling defeated. I remember feeling lost. I remember that I did not cry.

I couldn't...there was no time for that...I needed to sift through the madness...salvage whatever I could and keep it moving. I would cry another day, just not that day. And here it is 10 years later and I still haven't found the time to cry.. to cry for my sons...to cry for my dysfunctional childhood, to cry for me


But it is coming...I can feel it..and well, it's been a long, long time coming. I have been at work, tearing up...one or two may fall and then it's done. I have been driving and the same thing has happened, a tear here, a tear there. My soul is ready to release this backup of pain, of sorrow, of hurt of everything that I cannot verbalize that I have had to endure. I am worthy of my own tears. I am worthy to be loved.

"It's been a long, long time but a change's gone come. Each day, I move toward that change. I embrace that change. I love that change. I realize that I am only as strong as my weakest link and each day that link moves closer and closer to UNBREAKABLE."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)