Patch it or Let it Burn

I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!

So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.

Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.

I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.

Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?


I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.

All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.


"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

But I don't know how.


I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:


how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)


Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.


So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...


Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.


My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the Bar...um a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were there...it does matter.


My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.


I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.


It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.


With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......


Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.


The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)