Surprise Ninjas......

.....I'm still alive!!!!


All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.


Cancer sucks beyond belief.  It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity.  It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.


 I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).


At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me.  I was tired.  I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.


My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time.  The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down.  The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon.  The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."


A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready."  The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine.  "Whoa, that's not good."



"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"


He look at me and stared. 


"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?"  As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings. 

"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.


I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone.  I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back.  I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6.   But I know deep down that I cannot die today.  Or in this hospital.  For Chucky's sake, I can't....


I have to hold on.  I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"


Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table.  But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said. 


Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.


Nurse come back in with reinforcements.  They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them.  They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs.  Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."


I start pacing.  The pain is starting to creep up on me.  I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping.  I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.


"You want something for the pain?"  One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.


"No."


"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."


"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds."  Ha, she looked surprised.  Take that and my pressure jumped a point!


I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell.  I look at the numbers on my machine.  Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph.  I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light. 


No snakes at my funeral.


 I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me. 


This can't be living.


"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance.  There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on.  Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Ninjas Please Go Sit Yourself Down Somewhere

Anywhere but here! Sheesh.


Yes, Ninjette I had your man and he had a baby on you with me, but that's water under the bridge...or it should be cuz I don't want his tired, smelly, broke behind any more. Haven't for a very long time. I think dealing with him for 5 years was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to spend a lifetime with him let alone another day, hour, or second. Which is why when he told me that he told you that he wanted to leave you for me, I told that Bama that come hell or high water, he bets to make you understand that he was just playing!

You can keep your Dirty man and his cooties!

Now look here Missy, I don't know what that DoubleDeadBeat over there telling you but let me tell you this right here: Please get it twisted and put your hand on my child and you and your can of corn will get dealt with. Who walks around with can goods in their bag just in case they get into a fight? Who does that? Yeah, peeps like you two, who old as the apostles and never grow up.

When I put it all in perspective and measure the amount of crap I have had to deal with in my life, I am astounded at how much drama your man and his family has brought into it. The stuff that I have had to reckon with I thought only happened in movies or on the Maury show. Mybajeezes.

Yeah, your man is also someone else's man, but believe me when I tell you it ain't me. I ain't wanted that Ninja since the day I told him, 4 yrs ago, to get to stepping. To be honest, I didn't want his behind when I had him. But, I loved the attention because I was lonely and going through some things. Trust and believe had I been in my right mind, he would have never gotten to smell my stuff let along stick it. Believe that.


Some mistakes will haunt you like a bad plate of the porky pork. I mean I got with this man literally months after I had lost the twins. Before the rape, I had had 3 sexual partners. After the rape and leading up to the time I hooked up with Dirty I know I had at least 3 more sexual partners (scared to actually calculate the actual number) and had men lining up to get a taste. So me getting with Dirty, even though initially I wasn't feeling him, mainly because one he was married and sleeping with like 3 other people and because he wasn't my type, saved me in a sense. It made me pump my breaks because I was spiraling out of control.

I tolerated him. Even after he stole from me. I tolerated him. Even after all of the lies. I tolerated him. Even after he double crossed me. I tolerate him. Even though he does not contribute to my child's well-being. I tolerate him. Because my child loves him, even though he thinks he is his "grandpa". I tolerate him. Even though he fills my child's head up with lies and make plans that he does not intend to execute. I tolerate him. Even though he ain't worth the sperm his daddy used to create him.


I must warn you, my tolerance is running thin. If you have a problem with me, have it with me. My child is here and he ain't going no where. If your man has a problem with dealing with your issues with the fact that my child is here and how he got here, that is for you and your man to work out. That Ninja should have thought about all that when we planned to have this baby. Yes, Ninjette I said planned. And had I known that he was allowing you to abuse his other kids to keep the peace with you, that blueprint would have been torched. Talking about he wanted to give me a baby to make me happy again, and I ain't seen happiness since.


So, I am telling you Ninjas and the Devil to go sit yall raggedy tails down. I ain't got time for yall smallness. My child and I got places to see and things to do and when we are done doing us, I am 99.9% sure you will still be doing the same thing: NOTHING

Kick Rocks Ninjas, you are and always will be, the weakest, whackest, brokest link.

"Roadblocks come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They are designed to distract you from your ultimate goal. Learn to recognize and understand that small minded people a.k.a. haters never want to see you happy, never want to see you get ahead, even if you been down and out for a long while. The hater circuit is just like the groupie circuit, word gets around when you about to make big moves. And yes, it ain't nothing but the Devil. Now that you know, regroup, adjust and keep it moving!"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

This is Dedicated to You ~ Blackberry Molasses

I remember the first time I heard Blackberry Molasses and how the words just spoke to my soul. I was looking for a constant in my life. Looking for something that would be consistent, persistent, long-lasting, steadfast...something that would never change.

The more things changed around me, the more I fought against changing, the more I resisted change, the more I despised and feared changed...the more that I became less of who I was and wanted to be, and the more I became like the people I used to pity.

I needed to be in control of something, anything...even if it meant in the end I was losing out...because controlling something was better than nothing right?

Then there was a time where I embraced change but for the wrong reasons. I allowed situations, pain, hurt, bitterness, disappointment and fear to change me, mold me, and almost destroy me....

But it didn't. Even though the pressures of pist poorly playing this game of life had changed my outer core, my outward appearance, it did not change my heart. Kinda like water and ice. The drop in temperature pressure will turn water into a solid hard matter (ice) but once you add some heat to that bad boy, that ice will revert back to it's original state, unchanged....

I like to give credit where credit is due because I did not do this on my lonesome. I did not pull myself up by my own bootstrap. I have stood on the backs and shoulders of many great people that entered this world before me. When I could not see a way out due to my tears blinding me, ordinary people stepped in and guided me. However, there is one person that I have consistently as of late, been overlooking and short-changing that I need to know that I appreciate and recognize that they are doing the best they can with the tools they currently have at their disposal.

I want to thank you for never totally giving up even when you felt you had no fight left in you. For not swallowing all of those pills stashed in that cocoa. For fighting tooth and nail for the things you believed in. For doing your best to try and break that dysfunctional, abusive parenting cycle. For recognizing that you cannot do it all and that sometimes you have to ask for help. For understanding that sometimes you have to be like that Lil Red Hen and just do it your darn self! For loving even if it was with limits instead of becoming totally embittered. For doing what you had to do to protect your heart until you were more fully capable of dealing with the things that caused you to seek cover in the first place. I want to thank you for pushing the envelope when it needed to be pushed. Flipping the boat when rocking no longer was enough. Thank you for being a leader for most of your life. Thank you for finally coming to the realization that sometimes you have to step out on faith and silence the naysayers.

THANK YOU!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for always trying even though others would have you believe that you weren't trying hard enough. Thank you for reaching out for help when the load got too heavy for you to kick, pull, drag, let alone lift. Thank you for your wit and for your ability to find humor in your darkest hour. Thank you for being such a loving, caring, understanding person...thank you for finally realizing what a gem you truly are; how priceless you are.

Most importantly, thank you for coming to terms with most of the things that had control over you...for understanding that the only thing to fear was fear itself and for accepting the facts that the only thing that is constant, is change and that the best way to be in control of that change that is really inevitable is to be the change that you want to see in everybody else...to mimic the change you want for yourself, not just for others.

I love you and I am so very sorry that I have been neglecting you. I am so proud of the things you have done and I admire your sheer will to overcome any obstacle even when you would rather just lie down in self-pity. Know that I am now in it to win it, good, bad or indifferent.

Let the do-over begin. You are the captain of your own vessel. Happy New Beginnings to Me!

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Am!!!! (Smooches)