Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

Leaps And Bounds

I have been jumping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and well some of them I have had to just knock down and step over.


It is what it is at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter how I get over them as long as I GET OVER IT.


And I have gotten over a lot of things. Like Safeway or SupaD as he likes to be called. I finally realized that I was in love with the possibility of who he could be and not with who he was and once I came to terms with that he may never realize his full potential, I kicked him to the curb. We still chat it up but it ain't like it used to be. I see his mouth moving but I don't hear a thang.


I have made great leaps with loving myself. Luv is truly in love with Luv and I think it shows. I am taking better care of myself. I am eating better. No more 2 and 3 hot fudge brownie sundaes a day. I have started eating salads for lunch and fruits for breakfast, unless OTIS is coming then all bets are off, I am trying to eat up everything in my house and your house too. I am courting myself trying to see what they things are that I am attracted to and what things about me turn me off. Yup, getting myself tight for my Mr. Right. Cuz, my Mr. Right bet not be your Mr. Right cuz my sharing days are long gone.



I have managed a household of 3 with very limited funds and not stressed too much about it. I am learning to rely upon Jah and leave doubt on the wayside. It has been a very challenging walk for me. I have gotten caught up on this hurdle a time or two. I want to do things my way, but I am learning that if I want to prosper I gots to get out of my own way.


Chucky is finally recovering from his Sept 4th incident. And that in itself gives me reason to smile.


I have been identifying things that I want to improve in my life and/or change and the qualities I need in a mate.

I need to be more patient and open to having someone assist me. But just in case this never happens, I need a patient, understanding, long-suffering man. I need someone who can look through my hard outer core and see down to the pits of my soul and know without a doubt that I love him even if I can't show it. To know that I have been hurt on so many occasions that I activated every safety precaution available to me.

I need to learn to listen and trust that the one speaking will not try and sell me a wooden nickle. I don't mind riding shotgun if I know I have a skilled driver behind the wheel. I need someone who will not lead us into destruction . I need someone who will speak lovingly to me, even when I am being a butt.


I need to show emotion in the instance that I am feeling that emotion. I have to open the gate sometimes before my visitors stop stopping by. I have to relinquish some control and let nature take it's course. I need a man who also will let me know without a doubt that I am his everything.


I need to continue working on loving me to the fullest. The more I love myself the more space I open up for others to love me. The more I treat myself good, the more also will follow suit.


I still have some things I cannot get over. Not sure why. It's not too high. Not too low. It's really just right but for some reason I am intimidated by what this leap would mean and so I avoid it hoping it will just up and disappear. I know it won't but there is no harm and wishing.


"Lesson Learned are things we can chalk up to the game. They aren't there to make us feel bad about ourselves but rather to give us a tool to measure how much we have grown. Embrace them, they are apart of you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

It's Time to Get My Grown Lady On

So for two days now, I have been trying to get on and purge my system of all the new negativity that it's collected.

But I wasn't able to because I could not get on the internet.....

Because I bootleg...you know pirate the internet....you know use any and all unsecured network I can find. On some days, I am very fortunate because I am able to use SamePlace's network. But most of the time SP's network isn't strong enough for me to use unless I'm up at the crack of dawn.....


You know, I also bootleg my cable so I can't get any movie channels....(but, I did report that I was getting free cable and Comcast just laughed at me)


I don't remember a lot about my last attempt at flexing my "permanent student" muscle, BUT, I do distinctly remember a convo I had with one of my Lifesavers.

"Hey, yo, you know I tried watching the Ultimate Hustla last night and couldn't."

"Really, why, is it that bad...I heard it was actually pretty decent."

"Becuz I already know the Ultimate Hustla...It wasn't nothing that they had to do that you ain't done...and done better with less resources. I don't know how you do what you do but you get your hustle on."


I'm sure Cherry meant what he said as a compliment but somehow his words stung. They hit me right in my gut. I don't know if it was because he was affluent and I was a floating. I just know that I walked away feeling a lot less bouncy.


Recently I was thinking about some of my older blog posts and thinking about how much I had grown...how much I had stayed the same in other areas...and just how different I was trying to become. Yeah, when I was speaking the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz, I was doing it from a different place. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was so dismal. I know I said that Sum Tymes I Wanted to Cry, but in reality, it was all the time. But the funny thing was, I rarely did... I couldn't... I wouldn't.... I didn't know how to just let it all go.


I thought that if I cried that would be the end all to be all...that it would show defeat. Show that I was weak. Beaten. Down and out. But the reality was it didn't matter if I cried or not....just like it didn't matter that I hid my heart....you cannot escape life. It will find you.


So, I was here just thinking and refreshing and refreshing, hoping praying that I could get a signal, when it hit me.


It's time for me to grow the heck up.


It's time for me to get my grown lady on. And not just when I am flossing to go see Lutha (*tear*), a Tyler play, or some other event where I am able to push pass the madness and let my outter Diva show.


If I want a different outcome, I need to do things differently. Like I need to pay my bills on time. I need to get a reliable phone. I need to pay for internet. (lawd, yes, I said it..notice I did not say pay for cable, cuz I don't watch t.v. all like that). I need to stop trying to figure out how to make it on $0.15 (yes, a dime and a nickel) and start figuring out how to get that $1 to live on.


It's like that boot. Yeah, it serves it's purpose BUT it's not pretty to look at. And since it's already so dang ol' muddy, you are more apt to go out of your way to step in more mud then to avoid it. I mean, it's already dirty, why not.

Today I am turning in my moonshine license...taking my boots to the sink...laying my bootlegremedies to rest for I can't fully LUV myself if I am constantly dodging people and looking for hookups.


"Sometimes you gotta make it do what it do...but when this sometimes turns into all of the times, it may be time for you to do something differently. It's really true, change starts from within."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)