Hoodwinked and Bamboozled!

This is how I feel and how I have been feeling... shoot it's been too too long..so you know what that means... strap up it's going to be a long bumpy ride....or maybe not... maybe i will for once just say what i have to say without all the pomp and circumstance... (miracles do happen) it's crazy, i don't even remember what my signature "thing" was with this blog... but like riding a bike, i am gonna get on this baby and i am going to ride it like i have never ridden before.

so what made me stop this time, cuz i was on a roll...well i went to see my homie who had been oppressed by the man (haha) in the ATL and while down there i decided to hit up all my homies that um were in close proximity. Well at one of my friend's house, who is more like my sistah, i experienced a set back. My child allowed her child to bite him on the butt. And while i did not allow them to question him w/o me or at all ( i questioned him in their presence) i still felt like i had failed him afterwards because when the incident was brought to me i immediately went in to reaction mode instead of listening and detective mode. I was so upset that he would show any part of his body to anyone after the year we had been through. I was also so upset that he was allowing a 3 year old to dictate his actions. I was also upset that I allowed myself to overreact. I was also upset because but for me sharing with my sistah my child's incident i don't think she nor her husband would have reacted the way that they did. I called Quack right away and he laughed... he thought it was funny and was like 'i bet he won't never take that dare again.' I then called my Jill Scott and she was like "eww boys are nasty...why would he let him bite him on the butt when he saw that lil boy wasn't going to back down?"

So the scenario we were given is that my lil nephew told my child that if he didn't get up and stop crying that he was going to bite him...my child was like no you not, and he like yes, i will.. and he's like no you won't and he's like bet, yes i will, and my child is like you won't bite me on my butt and my lil nephew goes and bites him him at the top of his butt, where the top of your pants stop.

I tried to blog about this on many occasions but couldn't...i couldn't process my feelings.. i didn't know how i felt about my friend sharing with her husband what had happened to my child after i asked her not to...i didn't know how i felt about her not taking my calls..i didn't know how i felt about my child's lack of concern for his safety...i didn't know how i felt about my overreacting to the situation and reading more into what was going on than was actually there. i just didn't know...

even with this blog and talking to Quacky Quack (is that his name or did i change it, dang it's been too long) i still keep so much stuffed in me. i am busting at the seams. and it has to stop..it's gotta stop... or it will certainly kill me

i feel like my entire life has been a sham..that i have been bamboozled into believing that the early bird gets the worm, that the one who walk the straight and narrow gets the successes, that if you work hard you can play harder, that there is enough room at the top ~ all that is hogwash... the ones i see succeeding right now are the ones that did it by any means necessary, by cutting throats, stabbing backs, stepping on heads, lying, cheating and deceiving...they living it up and quite honesty i want to live some too.

"life ain't always what you make it, sometimes it is just some crap you are given...but nevertheless, it is life, and if you play your cards right you just might win a book or two."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (Smooches <3 )

What the F

Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!

And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?


So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.

These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)


"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

When Time Stands Still

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that maybe can be is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."


When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."


"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......

She Made Her Bed Hard

So why can't she lie in it in peace. Why she gots to keep reaching out to me?!? I don't want her friendship. I don't want her trinkets. I don't want her love. AND I shole as heck don't need her mothering.

I just want her to leave me alone. Seriously. Just leave me be to find my way...and if my way should cross paths with hers, so be it, we make amends then and move on. But as of right now, I want her to stop sending me freaky looking texts of her face, of her hair, of her travels, and of her whereabouts. I honestly do not care.

I do not care that she cut her hair, dye her hair or even has hair. Is that harsh? Well, it's the truth. I do not care to share any of my personal tidbits with her about me or my child. Now that I have my niece, she thinks that she has more freedom to collide with my world more often. She is wrong. So, so, so, so, so very wrong. (in my Jill Scott voice, lol)

The line was drawn a long time ago. I never erased it. How dare she cross it without checking to see if it was okay with me. She infuriates me because she is the same, she ain't changed. She still the same ole person just light years older. It's funny cuz sometimes I look at her and see that she too is struggling to grow up that lil scared girl, struggling to find her way...but that ain't got much to do with me. Go head girl, find your way. Get your groove back. Do you. Leave me alone! Is that too much to ask?

She brings a lot of unnecessary drama into my life. Drama messes with my freedom. I don't sugarcoat much, especially not with females. Especially not the ones I am related to. People on the outside looking in would say that she is trying..that she is trying really hard and that I am just being difficult. WRONG. If she was trying, she would just leave me alone and just pray that I come around not try and force herself on me. She ain't about TEAM LUV she ain't NEVER BEEN ABOUT TEAM LUV...and trust me when I tell you that ain't changing over night. That ain't changing when the ink dries on hers and my father's divorce papers. That ain't changing cuz I have my niece. Lawd that probably ain't never going to change.

I didn't wear jewelry...haven't for years. She states, "You never wear any earrings, let me buy you some." I say, "No." Months later I receive some hideous earrings in the mail with this detailed text about how I should keep them even if I don't like them. Huh? Who buys something for someone knowing they ain't going to like it? Who buys contact holders for someone who doesn't wear contacts. And it would be the thought that counts IF she didn't go all out for the gifts she gives my siblings. I remember when I got that contact crap all the stuff she got my brother who was going away to Iraq. She hand picked everything HE LIKED and gave it to him. She sent him care packages of things he liked until he told her to stop cuz his wife was sending him care packages...then she got in her feelings and sent his last care package box to me filled with stuff either I was allergic to or never have liked. But she's trying, right?

I am not that little girl I used to be. Nor am I the grown up version of she. I am so much more ---- better. Yet, I am not the best I can or shall be...but I will get there. I cannot afford to let my mother to take up residence in my intimate space and therefore I will be removing the link that gave her the courage to open up my door and try to walk on in.

My niece has to go back....I am determined to be free.

"There are casualties in war...I am fighting for my Freedom...the quickest and safest way for me to get there is to unload some of this dead weight...don't want my fate to mirror theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.


So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had possibly tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to Celie me at her Richmond concert.


So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Leaps And Bounds

I have been jumping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and well some of them I have had to just knock down and step over.


It is what it is at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter how I get over them as long as I GET OVER IT.


And I have gotten over a lot of things. Like Safeway or SupaD as he likes to be called. I finally realized that I was in love with the possibility of who he could be and not with who he was and once I came to terms with that he may never realize his full potential, I kicked him to the curb. We still chat it up but it ain't like it used to be. I see his mouth moving but I don't hear a thang.


I have made great leaps with loving myself. Luv is truly in love with Luv and I think it shows. I am taking better care of myself. I am eating better. No more 2 and 3 hot fudge brownie sundaes a day. I have started eating salads for lunch and fruits for breakfast, unless OTIS is coming then all bets are off, I am trying to eat up everything in my house and your house too. I am courting myself trying to see what they things are that I am attracted to and what things about me turn me off. Yup, getting myself tight for my Mr. Right. Cuz, my Mr. Right bet not be your Mr. Right cuz my sharing days are long gone.



I have managed a household of 3 with very limited funds and not stressed too much about it. I am learning to rely upon Jah and leave doubt on the wayside. It has been a very challenging walk for me. I have gotten caught up on this hurdle a time or two. I want to do things my way, but I am learning that if I want to prosper I gots to get out of my own way.


Chucky is finally recovering from his Sept 4th incident. And that in itself gives me reason to smile.


I have been identifying things that I want to improve in my life and/or change and the qualities I need in a mate.

I need to be more patient and open to having someone assist me. But just in case this never happens, I need a patient, understanding, long-suffering man. I need someone who can look through my hard outer core and see down to the pits of my soul and know without a doubt that I love him even if I can't show it. To know that I have been hurt on so many occasions that I activated every safety precaution available to me.

I need to learn to listen and trust that the one speaking will not try and sell me a wooden nickle. I don't mind riding shotgun if I know I have a skilled driver behind the wheel. I need someone who will not lead us into destruction . I need someone who will speak lovingly to me, even when I am being a butt.


I need to show emotion in the instance that I am feeling that emotion. I have to open the gate sometimes before my visitors stop stopping by. I have to relinquish some control and let nature take it's course. I need a man who also will let me know without a doubt that I am his everything.


I need to continue working on loving me to the fullest. The more I love myself the more space I open up for others to love me. The more I treat myself good, the more also will follow suit.


I still have some things I cannot get over. Not sure why. It's not too high. Not too low. It's really just right but for some reason I am intimidated by what this leap would mean and so I avoid it hoping it will just up and disappear. I know it won't but there is no harm and wishing.


"Lesson Learned are things we can chalk up to the game. They aren't there to make us feel bad about ourselves but rather to give us a tool to measure how much we have grown. Embrace them, they are apart of you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate STAT..so my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.


(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)


So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:


Counting my blessings.


People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.


The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.


I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.


The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).


"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

You Must Have Bumped Your Head

I mean for real. Because there is no other way to explain my child's behavior today.

This lil boy showed his entire behind. He had no shame and wasn't calling for "privacy." Today was his day to see QCP and well he was doing fine until we got there. I mean actually he had a wonderful day this morning. Got up and only took 45 minutes in the shower instead of an hour. He took all of his dirty clothes out with him cuz he remembered he wasn't at Jill Scott's house. He even hung up his rag and brushed his teeth without complaint.

I told him, "I am so proud of you. Your behavior is stellar. It's superb. It's excellent. Keep up the good work."

He went to school and got into a fight. I was even okay with this... see my child is a punk... and the kids pick on him cuz they know he not going to fight back. But he had had enough of this one lil boy and handled his business. I had already given his school notice that my child had the green light to put this particular boy on his back. My only problem with the situation was that when his teacher told him to stop, he did not. He actually went around her to try and further hammer into the boy's head that he was tired of him picking on him.

I told him, " I am not mad at you for defending yourself. I told you to put that lil boy on his back and you did just that. But, when your teacher tells you to stop, you are to do that...do you understand?"

So we travel to the library to burn some time before his session. I tell him to do his homework and he begins to try and rationalize why he wasn't going to do it right then and there. (so he's wearing on my patience. ) He then begins to ignore me as I tell him to leave the girl alone and let her put the puzzle together by herself. He then has an emotional meltdown and tell me that I don't love him. I just love the girl. I don't love him because I told her good job for using the pot and not going in her diaper.. now if that ain't the biggest load of crap, I don't know what is.

So we travel to CQP's building and he is fine. He is playing with Chucky's Bride and being attentive to her. CQP comes out and he is still fine. CQP ask him if he has food in his lunchbox and if so what it is... he is still fine. CQP is about to eat and generously gives my child some of his food and tells him to give me his lunchbox because he is going to eat pasta. My child loses it.

I swear you would have thought he never had it. This child screamed at the top of his lungs. He stomped his feet. He jumped up and down. He tried to snatch the lunchbox from my hand. He tried to apply pressure to my arm to get it out of my hand. He unzipped the box after I zipped it. He then decided he was going to wander through the office building unaccompanied by an adult to show his frustration.

And I, I remained calm. Why? Because I did not have my belt or a good pair of shoes on. My time to shine would come later. I watched as he continued to show his tail. I just kept praying that when I laid hands on him that I did not kill him.

Most of his session was spent with him wandering the hallways shouting out demands. He finally stated that I loved Chucky's Bride more and did not love him.

I said, "I love you, I do not love your behavior or your actions."

The funny thing is when we left you would have thought I had taken a different child home. He laughed. He played. He tried to strike up multiple conversations with me. He helped out Chucky's Bride. He politely and correctly asked for his lunchbox (and if you think I gave it to him, um you really don't know me). He came home took off his clothes and proceeded to play.

I helped Chucky's Bride get ready for bed and then I came into his room and began to beat the devil out of him. That was the only explanation I could come up with as to why he had acted a fool. The devil must have taken over his body and I wasn't going to let him have him without a fight.

Afterwards, we did homework without incident.

I said, "If I didn't love you, I wouldn't discipline you. I would let you run amuck. But I ain't ready to bury you so I will continue to keep my foot up your butt."

Let's pray the Devil has moved on and regular Chucky is back tomorrow.

"They say bring a child up in the way in which to walk and he will never leave it. I refuse to be hugging on my child from a jail cell or scattering his ashes. I know my child is going through a lot; we all are. I refuse to allow him to believe that he has the green light to act out simply because he is going through things. He will not be taught to be broken."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (A Day Early) ~ Like You"ll Never See Me Again

Even though I don't really have the energy to do this assignment ~ I have decided to do it because I cannot afford to come back to this place and feel the pain and anguish and sit in the confusion that Mister Man (Quack ; p ) calls emotions.

Today's assignment for tomorrow's session is to write a letter to Safeway.. a letter expressing exactly how I feel...no fillers, no chasers.

So, we about to take the Henny to the head cuz that's the only way I am going to be able to reach the depth of my soul and leave it all expose out in blogland.

But then again, what do I have to lose? I mean, I have already lost him, what could be worse than that...pride doesn't keep you warm at night or help you smile through the pain.


So here is what I would say to HIM if I wasn't so scared of loving without strings attached..

I love you more than any love song you know. I am we are not the prototype, I am we are the real deal. Why is it that neither one of us really can pen when our relationship began or where it really will end? It's like I have known you my entire life. You were my Boo, but most importantly, you were my friend. I just can't sit here and watch it slip away. I know I have messed up with my last little stunt...but how is it that you knew before I told you what had set me off? How did you know that I thought someone had taken my place? That you were about to give your heart away... I won't lie, you hurt me, right down to my core. You kicked me while I was down and that shook me for awhile. But, I love you and they say love does not fail, so I could not simply walk away.

I have been running from something all of my life. I have been ducking and dodging, all of my life, and well I am was tired of running and had decided to fight. Fight for what was once mine. Fight for your love, fight for our love. Each time I am in your presence, I feel your love. Each time you kiss me, I feel your love. Each time you hold me, I feel your love. I see your love in your eyes which is why none of this makes sense to me. And it never will.

There are only so many cds with Lauryn's Sweetest Thing, MJB's Everything, India's Chocolate High, Alicia's No One, Raheem's Love Drug, Lutha's I Rather.. and the list goes on and on that one can make before the other gets the picture.

Before I met you, I had never been in love before, sure I had loved, BUT I had never given my heart away and stood by to watch to see whether they would toy with my heart strings, or love me genuinely. I had never wanted to be so connected, so close that when the vibing ceased that I would be left to pick up the pieces. You knew me when I was still walking with my head hanging down, still trying to find a reason to push forward. You knew me when the smiles were few and the pain overflowed. You knew me when I had given up on finding love and was settling for the Old Maid position. You knew me when I was broken and yet you still loved me. You still wanted me...You still saw me for the Queen I am.

Your love transformed me. It breathed new life into me. It made me feel free, again. It helped me start the journey of finding me. They say when that Love Jones come down, it's a mutha... well it surely is.

You made me want to be a better woman...and not just want to be, but put in motion the things I needed to do to become that woman...the woman that I felt you deserved. I didn't mind cooking your breakfast or washing your clothes (not that I ever did). What you say, be barefoot and stay at home? Yeah, I didn't even mind your old fashion goals. I didn't mind because as it goes, love will make you do and say some crazy things.

But it's something about how our convo ended today to let me know that your love is gone..that i went too far. and there is nothing i can do to turn back the hands of time because if I could I would have turned them back to the beginning a long time ago. Back to when you constantly called and doted on me. Back to when you freely loved me. You know back when I was listening to the people tell me (not u PIC cuz u always said he was a good guy, but then you also like Kream) that you were running that SE game on me. So instead of fully opening up and loving you. I loved you in measures...I loved you in portions. I loved you cautiously. I loved you to the best of my ability...I didn't want to give you all my love and then you casually walked away from me.

I couldn't "Stay in the Moment" though it was Worthy advice. I just couldn't stand not being in control...not knowing... and now look at the mess we're in.

How is it that something so right, could be so wrong? Is my clock running fast, or is yours running slow?

My head hurts and my heart is starting to clench up...and though i have said a lot...it still feels like i have not said enough... my faith is broken, and my eyes are closing, (and the tears are falling) but my heart's wide open as I say this in closing:

I love you Supa. You are the one for me. I never understood what people met when they said they had found the one until I met you. You can't complete me because I am already whole. But you do compliment me, you yourself said we were a perfect fit. They say... I say... the Bible says: Love never fails. So I have to TRUST and BELIEVE this and let you go and hopefully you will find your way back to my our love.

"I held my tongue when I should have spoken, I spoke when I should have been quiet. I hid what I should have broadcasted and publicized what I should have kept sealed. Some lessons do not have to be learned the hard way. I had love and lost it and now I have to sit and wonder if it will ever return, please don't make the same mistake I made. Love like there is no tomorrow, because sadly it may not be."

Gotta Luv M, Cuz I surely Do (Smooches)

Mr. Man if this isn't open enough for you, I don't know what is, becuz this is as good as it gets with me. You may never see me like this again because I don't know if I can ever love like this again or even if I want to. How you like them apples?

The Sky Is Falling (GUESS WHO'S BACK)

Ever felt this way? That everywhere you turned and every time you turned something was going really wrong...wrong to the point that you just knew the world must be getting ready to end. (not literally)

That the sky had to be falling and the ground had to be sinking cuz you felt like you were chin deep in mud and being slammed in the head with craters?

No... well, lucky you!

But seriously, it has been one thing after another. I have been trying to post before this but I had computer issues, then I had password issues, then I had life issues, then I had health issues and then I had more life issues, and more health issues, and then job issues, and it was issues on top of issues that I temporarily shut down.

BUT.....

I have been making progress which I will update you on in the upcoming days. I have continued with therapy and um, let me tell you this, therapy is HARD! My QUACK (um, he says he doesn't like this name...he just wants to be the guy I talked to...lmbo) isn't that insightful but he means well and he cares so I go..

My child still isn't quite right...but he is adjusting... the bedwetting had stopped and the attitude had simmered down but now we right back to square one. : (

My house, well it's 95% clean!!!! And I did some home improvements all by myself..I put up baseboards with a manual saw, some nails, and a hammer... and let me tell you, please don't cross me cuz I got the arms of a construction worker and I don't mind flexing. There are days that I go into my house and cry...I can't believe how much clutter I have gotten rid of since the starting of this blog.

My relationships, well the guy I was trying to get over must have thought I would crumble, after I broke down and cried...or maybe it was the devil...but whomever it was must not know that I AM A SURVIVOR (there will be a later post about this)

"Life isn't always what it's cracked up to be, but as long as we are among the living we can decide whether we are going to take what life throws at us on our back, knees or feet. Life sometimes really is what you make of it...Too often we take seriously the things and people we should look at as a joke and take for granted the things and people we should take seriously. Live life without regrets, chasing your own happiness, loving as much as possible, making it a worthwhile ride."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do!!!! Smooches

feels good to be back..

You Have The Right to Remain Silent

(This is a rather long post)
In otherwords:


SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!

So the Po-Pos came a knocking at my door the other day and well I guess that's where the drama begins. See normally, if someone knocks on my door and I am not expecting company, I just let them knock. I don't care if they can hear me inside talking, laughing, crying, singing, or screaming .... I will proceed as if I don't hear the knock, that's just me, especially if it's at night. I just don't invite too many people into my personal space, literally or figuratively. But for some reason I answer...

Bam, Bam, Bam

Who is it?

It's the police! (So instantly my mind goes, oh no, did I go kill that sucka and black out? Seriously. Then I was like if my neighbor's called the cops because my child was making all of this noise, it is on. The next time he even sounds like he feena whoop his wife's tail, I'm gonna call about the noise)


Opening the door a crack, "What do you want?" I ask this slimey looking white non-uniformed guy standing at my door.


"I'm looking for a Ms. such and such...or such and such..do anybody by that name stay here?" (now I'm looking at this fool like you must got me twisted if you think that you are going to come knock at my door, not even sure if it's my door, and mispronounce my name and think I am going to identify myself..and where is your partner if you a po-po?) STRIKE TWO, Strike One was showing up at my door unannounced.


"Naw, don't nobody with that name stay here. " (I shut the door and tell my child to get his shoes on. Now, I am a little leary. As some of you all remember, one of my friends was killed a year ago and it started with a knock on the door by someone saying they were the police and then the FBI then a couple of days later she had bullets in her body. So I am literally in counter-attack mode. I am about to go MacGyver on his behind and then I hear dude talking to somebody, I tell my child to get in the room pronto. I open the door just in time to see a chick step out of the stairway onto the hallway of my floor. WTW, was this chick hiding in the cut waiting for me? Were these fools thinking they were gong to ambush me? What's really going on? Now, all I am thinking is that I have to get my child to safety. )

"Um, do you know anybody by the name of such and such or perhaps such and such?" (Once again this fool doesn't even come close to my name. What game is he playing?)


"Naw, why you looking for her?"


So now it's the chicks turn to talk, "Oh, we just want to talk to her."

And I'm thinking, yeah, good luck doing that. I watch them as they go back and forth and stare at this lil' piece of paper. Then the chick suggests the dude call whomever sent them looking for me. Dude calls someone and says now they not picking up. Yeah it's getting shakier by the second. Then these fools proceed to knock on my neighbors doors looking for me. And I am just laughing cuz most people don't know me at all and of the the ones that do, only six of them know my government name. But it doesn't seem right that they are basically shaking down my building looking for me. It just doesn't seem coplike.

So now I am like let me get my baby away from me. We need to separate. The sad part is my cell phone was lost and I don't have a house phone so I wouldn't be able to call for back-up right away. So, I walk down the hall and knock on one of my neighbor's door and the Po-Pos watch me and then I'm like I don't want them thinking this is where I live so I say loudly "I guess Idonthaveaclue is sleep." I keep knocking until they leave my floor and go down to the second floor. I then run to another neighbor's house and knock and when they opened the door I gave them the rundown and was basically like my child needs to stay here and if anything crazy goes down this is the person who should come get him.

So now that my child is safe I jump right back into commando mode. I don't hear anymore knocking so I assume the perps have vacated the building. I rush down the five flights of stairs hoping I can catch their vehicle so that I can get the tag number. I ask the WindowNeighbor if she let the perps in the building because our building is supposed to be secured. She doesn't know who let them in or if they have left the building. So, I run outside and check for any moving cars. I don't see any with them in it. As I am heading back to my building I spot the undercover po-po vehicle. I memorize the plates. Just because they now have been i.d. as legit po-po's don't mean they ain't dirty. So I head back into my building to search for them and immediately hear them questioning someone about me. Now that part doesn't bother me because they asked everyone that opened their door if they knew me. What bothered me was the person was giving them my information.

So you know I was like WTW. I flew up them stairs like I was on the dipper. I came around that corner and stared my neighbor down. If looks could kill, I would be writing about her funeral. So this is where the real fun begins. So it appears that the dude didn't like the fact that he had to walk up and down them stairs looking for me and so he decides that he is going to try and implore intimidation tactics on me. Lawd help this fool, don't he know who I am? I ain't afraid of no po-po. STRIKE THREE

So he goes into his aggressive, angry you are going to talk to me spill. And I simply smile and say:

"Do you have a warrant?" "Am I under arrest?" "Then I don't have to talk to you at all."

The look on his face, you guessed it: PRICELESS.

So, I eventually decide to talk to them only because the chic said it was about my child. So I lead them back to my place and made them stand while they tried to assure me that everything they did was "by the book." This is how they normally notify a parent that their child needs to go to therapy. (yeah, I am sure of it) And yeah, I got a glimpse of that white sheet of paper. No name on there. Just an address with an incorrect suite number. And a home number that I had six numbers ago.


Oh, my neighbor, yeah I went back and knocked on her door and basically told her next time to shut her big trap. Good thing I don't live a life of crime cuz I would have to take her out.


"Ignorance is never bliss. Know your rights and never be afraid to exercise them. And when you feel that your rights have been violated, never be afraid to fight for them."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)