Picking Up The Pieces

The first time I heard this song I burst into tears. I had been feeling some kinda way for a minute and was looking for something that could verbalize the feelings of insecurity, frustration, longing, despair, hope, love....yes ball of confusion that was taking over my body and turning me into an emotional wreck.

It's hard because every situation, encounter, person, event, and experience has the potential of shading the windows to our soul... the color of that hue can impact our life more than the event itself. Having a lasting choke hold impact on your future, making you react to situations in manners that's not your norm. It can also force you to seek out situations that you know are not beneficial for you so that you can validate your now preconceived notion about something. It forces you to hold on to pain and constantly seek situations that will not only reinforce that pain but validate why you should stop trying to see things any other way.


I have had a helluva life. There are times that I get up and wonder why the heck me. There are times that I get up and wonder why my clock has not expired yet...what more pain, turmoil, persecution do I have to go through before I get a reprieve. But, my life could be much worse. Much, Much worse. I know this, but I really don't care because I am in the midst of the storm and it feels like I am being struck by lightening every waken moment. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of strides...leaps and bounds this past year. I have unloaded a lot of dead weight. I still shake my head in disbelief at how much peace came to my life after I confronted the rapist. Has me over here trying to figure out who and what else I need to confront so I can elevate to the next level because I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be. I refuse to believe it even though the dirt on my glasses makes it hard for me to see any other way or life for me.

I have struggled with low self-esteem off and on throughout my entire life. I know when it was introduced and when it was reinforced and when it was validated...I don't know how to get rid of it. The surface stuff I have gotten control of..cuz yeah I am the flyyest of the fly when I am flying solo... The problem comes in when it's time to establish something that's deeper than superficial. When I have to make my "representative" look somewhat like what's behind all of these masks. When I have to become emotionally available and vulnerable.

I can't.. well I can..but I can't be consistent. I get afraid and I run. I retreat. I delete and block on facebook and twitter. I do all sorts of silly things that makes it looks like I ain't ready when I am. I also become attracted to guys who aren't available. People who have no interest in waiting for me to pick up the pieces so they can understand how they fit. And it's slowly driving me over the edge. I know my worth...I know my worth...I know my worth...but sometimes I am too afraid to show it.

My current lust interest is as fickle as me and it frustrates me...I don't want fickle, I want something that will last forever..from infinity and beyond.


"There comes a time when we have to take off those rose and smut covered glasses and wipe them clean and start seeing things for what they presently are and not for what they were...living in the moment without letting the Past shape the outcome or the experience."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

So they tell me...

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you vulnerable..you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)




I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it do...so when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)




Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Hoodwinked and Bamboozled!

This is how I feel and how I have been feeling... shoot it's been too too long..so you know what that means... strap up it's going to be a long bumpy ride....or maybe not... maybe i will for once just say what i have to say without all the pomp and circumstance... (miracles do happen) it's crazy, i don't even remember what my signature "thing" was with this blog... but like riding a bike, i am gonna get on this baby and i am going to ride it like i have never ridden before.

so what made me stop this time, cuz i was on a roll...well i went to see my homie who had been oppressed by the man (haha) in the ATL and while down there i decided to hit up all my homies that um were in close proximity. Well at one of my friend's house, who is more like my sistah, i experienced a set back. My child allowed her child to bite him on the butt. And while i did not allow them to question him w/o me or at all ( i questioned him in their presence) i still felt like i had failed him afterwards because when the incident was brought to me i immediately went in to reaction mode instead of listening and detective mode. I was so upset that he would show any part of his body to anyone after the year we had been through. I was also so upset that he was allowing a 3 year old to dictate his actions. I was also upset that I allowed myself to overreact. I was also upset because but for me sharing with my sistah my child's incident i don't think she nor her husband would have reacted the way that they did. I called Quack right away and he laughed... he thought it was funny and was like 'i bet he won't never take that dare again.' I then called my Jill Scott and she was like "eww boys are nasty...why would he let him bite him on the butt when he saw that lil boy wasn't going to back down?"

So the scenario we were given is that my lil nephew told my child that if he didn't get up and stop crying that he was going to bite him...my child was like no you not, and he like yes, i will.. and he's like no you won't and he's like bet, yes i will, and my child is like you won't bite me on my butt and my lil nephew goes and bites him him at the top of his butt, where the top of your pants stop.

I tried to blog about this on many occasions but couldn't...i couldn't process my feelings.. i didn't know how i felt about my friend sharing with her husband what had happened to my child after i asked her not to...i didn't know how i felt about her not taking my calls..i didn't know how i felt about my child's lack of concern for his safety...i didn't know how i felt about my overreacting to the situation and reading more into what was going on than was actually there. i just didn't know...

even with this blog and talking to Quacky Quack (is that his name or did i change it, dang it's been too long) i still keep so much stuffed in me. i am busting at the seams. and it has to stop..it's gotta stop... or it will certainly kill me

i feel like my entire life has been a sham..that i have been bamboozled into believing that the early bird gets the worm, that the one who walk the straight and narrow gets the successes, that if you work hard you can play harder, that there is enough room at the top ~ all that is hogwash... the ones i see succeeding right now are the ones that did it by any means necessary, by cutting throats, stabbing backs, stepping on heads, lying, cheating and deceiving...they living it up and quite honesty i want to live some too.

"life ain't always what you make it, sometimes it is just some crap you are given...but nevertheless, it is life, and if you play your cards right you just might win a book or two."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (Smooches <3 )

Looking Up...

Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.


So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.


I missed a week of work...no pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.

On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total stranger...no not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.

So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?

I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.

So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)

I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.

My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...

"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Think I Can....

But does that mean that I can?



I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?



I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?



What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?



What if?



I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.



I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.



I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..





I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?





"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday Therapy (part 1) ~ Fill 'er Up

Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.

I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...

Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.

People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.


So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)


So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.


I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.


Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded up....so even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.


Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.


Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes people...so I am back to square one...stumped.


What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?


"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Ninjas Please Go Sit Yourself Down Somewhere

Anywhere but here! Sheesh.


Yes, Ninjette I had your man and he had a baby on you with me, but that's water under the bridge...or it should be cuz I don't want his tired, smelly, broke behind any more. Haven't for a very long time. I think dealing with him for 5 years was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to spend a lifetime with him let alone another day, hour, or second. Which is why when he told me that he told you that he wanted to leave you for me, I told that Bama that come hell or high water, he bets to make you understand that he was just playing!

You can keep your Dirty man and his cooties!

Now look here Missy, I don't know what that DoubleDeadBeat over there telling you but let me tell you this right here: Please get it twisted and put your hand on my child and you and your can of corn will get dealt with. Who walks around with can goods in their bag just in case they get into a fight? Who does that? Yeah, peeps like you two, who old as the apostles and never grow up.

When I put it all in perspective and measure the amount of crap I have had to deal with in my life, I am astounded at how much drama your man and his family has brought into it. The stuff that I have had to reckon with I thought only happened in movies or on the Maury show. Mybajeezes.

Yeah, your man is also someone else's man, but believe me when I tell you it ain't me. I ain't wanted that Ninja since the day I told him, 4 yrs ago, to get to stepping. To be honest, I didn't want his behind when I had him. But, I loved the attention because I was lonely and going through some things. Trust and believe had I been in my right mind, he would have never gotten to smell my stuff let along stick it. Believe that.


Some mistakes will haunt you like a bad plate of the porky pork. I mean I got with this man literally months after I had lost the twins. Before the rape, I had had 3 sexual partners. After the rape and leading up to the time I hooked up with Dirty I know I had at least 3 more sexual partners (scared to actually calculate the actual number) and had men lining up to get a taste. So me getting with Dirty, even though initially I wasn't feeling him, mainly because one he was married and sleeping with like 3 other people and because he wasn't my type, saved me in a sense. It made me pump my breaks because I was spiraling out of control.

I tolerated him. Even after he stole from me. I tolerated him. Even after all of the lies. I tolerated him. Even after he double crossed me. I tolerate him. Even though he does not contribute to my child's well-being. I tolerate him. Because my child loves him, even though he thinks he is his "grandpa". I tolerate him. Even though he fills my child's head up with lies and make plans that he does not intend to execute. I tolerate him. Even though he ain't worth the sperm his daddy used to create him.


I must warn you, my tolerance is running thin. If you have a problem with me, have it with me. My child is here and he ain't going no where. If your man has a problem with dealing with your issues with the fact that my child is here and how he got here, that is for you and your man to work out. That Ninja should have thought about all that when we planned to have this baby. Yes, Ninjette I said planned. And had I known that he was allowing you to abuse his other kids to keep the peace with you, that blueprint would have been torched. Talking about he wanted to give me a baby to make me happy again, and I ain't seen happiness since.


So, I am telling you Ninjas and the Devil to go sit yall raggedy tails down. I ain't got time for yall smallness. My child and I got places to see and things to do and when we are done doing us, I am 99.9% sure you will still be doing the same thing: NOTHING

Kick Rocks Ninjas, you are and always will be, the weakest, whackest, brokest link.

"Roadblocks come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They are designed to distract you from your ultimate goal. Learn to recognize and understand that small minded people a.k.a. haters never want to see you happy, never want to see you get ahead, even if you been down and out for a long while. The hater circuit is just like the groupie circuit, word gets around when you about to make big moves. And yes, it ain't nothing but the Devil. Now that you know, regroup, adjust and keep it moving!"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Vents, Frustrations, Updates, the Works

So basically that means that this will possibly be a long post. But I have been m.i.a. for a sec so I owe it to myself to try and get it all out.

I am going loco! KooKoo for cocoa puffs. I am tapping out. I am tired.

Everyday it's something with this child of mine. Every freaking day. And I just want to say, "You killing me Petey, you killing me." (in my Denzel voice, not that I have a Denzel voice cuz I don't sound like a man, but if I did, it would be in his voice)

I mean it's like the devil has honed in on all of my pet peeves and things that irk me and get under my skin and just delivered them in one super sonic snowball. I am like 'lawd, lawd, lawd have mercy' over here so much that Chucky's Bride can be caught saying the same thing when she playing with her dolls.

So for months now I have been dealing with ringworms. Have I ever mentioned how much I despise fungal infections? How they creep me out? How they make my skin crawl? How I have like an OCD cleaning habit when it comes to the bathroom and kitchen because I am such a germaphobe? So both Chucky and the Bride have ringworm. Chucky got it from his barber some months ago and the medicine is just not working...or maybe it's not working fast enough. And some kinda way CBride got it. Honestly, I think Chucky gave it to her on purpose...or maybe she got it from being at that ol' lady's house. I don't know. I know the doctor told me that once you on meds it's not supposed to be contagious but I am not so sure because Chucky's keeps flaring up like brand new. Anywho, all I know is I don't want it so I am over here screaming on these kids when they touch something that I have to lie on or put on my body. I mean these kids are nasty. I wasn't a nasty child. I was very germ conscious growing up. I mean the other day CBride gets out of her bed and comes to me talking bout, "here Ma-Ma, here, take this," and I am like take what, then I look down and this child has a gigantic booger on her finger, I could have hit the floor. So, I'm like, "what is that, a booger?" and she like, "yeah, take it." Now I don't know what here mommy and her grandma used to do, but I don't take nobody's boogers! I told her that she betta get her and her booger back to bed and that I bet not find it on nothing that belongs to me. Sheesh.

Then there is the bug issue. I hate bugs, especially roaches. I DESPISE roaches. I have never had to live with roaches and refuse to do so now. Typically, our building does not have bugs. But we have new tenants and well you know those jokers like to travel. And normally, I know that if they gonna spray our building that I am going to see 1 or 2 because they won't spray my unit because of the kids. So I just put down some roach gel and that's the end of it. Well, I happened to get some low-end, ghetto, 'i have been hit with every poison imaginable and i am still here' roach in my place and it is driving me crazy. I have gel-ed and bleached down my house and I still see a roach here and there and it's driving me bonkers. I don't do roaches. I break out in hives when I see them, been this way since I was little. I don't want to bomb. I have never had to bomb. But I am about to set about 12 of those jokers off up in here. I just need to find a place for the kids to stay.

So my child's teacher has confirmed my fears that my child is not on target to pass to the next grade. Not because he doesn't know the work but because he won't do the work. What am I to do? I mean before his little world was altered, he was a stellar student. I never had to threaten him to get his homework done..but now, I am at the point where I just send him to bed to save his life.

I started a new job! And I like it. It's stress free so far. But I have to figure out what to do about my old job. I need to get out of my funk. I keep trying but it seems like I keep sliding right on back down the hill. I have been eating healthier. It's funny because it wasn't really a conscious decision. It's that both of the kids are on these peculiar diets that it's just easier for us to all eat basically the same thing. So pork and beef has almost totally been eliminated from our diets. Now if I go over someone's house and they have some beef shortribs, yeah I am gonna handle them accordingly, but, I will not be buying any more pork and beef. I have also been doing a lot more fresh fruits, which are very expensive.

Okay so I have a confession to make, I have a slight crush on CQP. Just big enough to make Safeway jealous. It's not one of those, 'oooh, I want to show you my pole action and hump you all night types of crushes.' It's basically one of those 'aww, you are so cute cause you so green and hopeful, here's a lollipop' type of crush.

My bornday is coming. My bornday is coming! and I am not prepared. I am not on target. I need a couple of days to myself so I can finish cleaning, organizing, sorting, prepping, and sleeping. But as always, I am just gonna roll with the punches.

Even though I am not on target to where I wanted to be at this point, I have changed. I have grown. I have matured. I have opened. I am blooming.

"With growth there is pain, frustration, disappointment, tears, fears, and sometimes even failure; however, it never fails that when you stop anticipating the growth, and stop tinkering with the soil, and just let nature take its course, new life almost always starts to sprout, and before you know it, the seed has blossomed into a beautiful flower."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

This Child of Mine

Well it would seem that I have created a lil opinionated, self-expressive, stubborn monster.

So today I had to have the meeting with the Powers to Be at my child's school. He had been suspended for fighting his teacher, his vice principal, and his principal.


Did I mention that he is six and in the 1st grade? I mean Lawd Have Mercy what's a mama to do? to say? I mean at what point did he realize that this would not end up very well for him?

It's funny because when I called ICE and told him he said, "That is your child," and I am thinking what in the hamsammich is that supposed to mean....I ain't never been suspended from school for fighting my teacher and principals (notice, I did not say that I ain't never been suspended)

And when I told his Gams, she was like,"He a chip off the old block huh...he lil Mike Tyson...I bet they won't mess with him again." And once again I say, I was not a bad child. I was simply misunderstood and had they seen it my way things would had fared better for all involved. Hmph.

But the more I sat there and listened to his teacher explain the things that this lil boy does in class, the more I heard my inner voice saying,"Lawd, that is your child, he is like a miniature you." And well, that's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either.

See, I ain't 6 and when I was six, I did as I was told whether I had an opinion on the matter or not. I may not like it but I did not always feel the need to express my disapproval with the situation right then and there. I was more of a planner. A get backer. I wasn't defiant (okay I was) but I wasn't disrespectful (okay sometimes but I was semi-grown). This lil boy here, if he feels that he has been wronged, he is going to plead his case until someone, anyone sees his point of view AND if no one sees it his way, he is not going to move on from the situation. He is going to emotional shut down.

So what am I to do? I mean in actuality, I created him to be exactly the way he is. I didn't treat him as if he was my property or an animal. I have always asked him what he thought about certain things and tried to train him to process things in a certain manner. However, I never really explained to him that just because I asked for his feelings on a certain matter, it didn't mean that I actually cared about what he was saying (does this sound harsh). I mean he is a child and I am an adult and frankly I do not want to hear feedback on everything I have told him to do. Do it and go tell your imaginary friends your gripes. Journal it. I don't care. But don't keep coming to tell me how you did not like that when I whooped you that I hurt your hand or that you don't think it's fair that you can't have water after a certain time because people need water to grow. I don't care!

It would appear that he has gotten my universal "I am not really listening to what you are saying but I do not want to be rude and tell you to put a sock in it nod" confused with my "I am listening and I care nod."

So I am sitting up in this meeting listening and I really want to reach over and shake his teacher. Now I know why this boy suddenly thinks our household is a democracy. She allows him to decide when he is going to participate in class or do his assignments. Hannah say what say what (I hate Disney Channel)! You allow a 6 year old mini-me decide when he is going to follow instructions? He is 6 with the thinkings of Pinky and the Brain. He wants to take over the world. He mastered the art of manipulation before he was 2 ( I kid you not). So when you stated to me that sometimes you think he is taking advantage of you, I say, "Um, you think?!?"

But the issue is this: We have a lil boy who is well advanced emotionally and even intellectually but socially he is a mess. How do we deal with him? How do we find a medium without crushing his thirst for knowledge and his assertiveness? I mean I want my child to think for himself and to be a leader not a follower BUT I also want my child to be obedient and do as he is told when he is told. Sounds like an oxymoron.

My child has watched me all of his life and well I do things quite differently. I have a gift for making it do what it do with what I have. He doesn't understand that everyone cannot go into Chucky Cheese with $5 bucks and a coupon with 5 kids and leave with everyone being fed and with a decent toy stuffed under their arms. He doesn't understand that when someone tells me something that I don't like or don't think is fair that I have earned the right to voice my opinions and give them my behind to kiss because I pay the bills (when I pay them) and the deed is in my name. He doesn't understand that at 6 he cannot freely voice his opinions with any and everyone. He doesn't understand that at 6, he cannot take matters into his own hand.


Yes, I have pushed my son and made him more independent than most 6 year-olds because well, I had to and because I wanted to. I am a single parent and I do not have time to be washing him up and dressing him until he is 10. I cannot cater to his every beck and call and even if I could, I would not. I do not want a Mama's Boy. I don't. I don't want to marry one and I do not want to raise one. I want to know that if I died right now that this boy can pretty much fend for himself. That he can count his money and see people for who they are...I don't want him believing everything people are throwing out at him...I want him questioning and researching what they are saying...BUT I want it done within reason.


I don't want him thinking that he has had a stellar day and therefore his teacher should have also picked him to go watch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and since she has evidently overlooked him that he is going to make it his business to go rectify the situation by walking out of class and going to watch the movie that he has already seen about 25 times. And then when he is approached about it, he gets all huffy and starts fighting them and tells them to move out of his way, get off of him cuz he is going home. And not processing it to the point to understand that he really doesn't want to be coming home to me after having that type of day.


So, they have decided to talk to CQP and develop a behavior plan for him. This should be good because CQP dotes on my child and thinks that even when he shows his entire behind that it is okay because he is a person and he has feelings and he has the right to express them. (smile) They are going to reward him for good behavior. Nice. Especially seeing that he is typically on Yellow (the highest mark you can receive for behavior) everyday. So he should be raking in the prizes...

I say they need to go ahead and scan my child's head and see if one of his wires have shorted out or something. Seriously, how does a behavioral plan work for someone who has behavioral issues once every 4 months or more? It's like putting a person who typically gets straight A's on an academic improvement plan after they flunk one test. It doesn't really address the issue(s).

Anywho, I don't think Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is still on my child's must see list.

"Being a parent is hard work. Some days you will get it right and other days, well, you will wish your little bundle of joy had come with an instruction manual and an on and off switch. No matter how you feel, know tasing is never an option ; -) "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

He May Not Give Me What I Want....

But He certainly gives me what I need.


(ain't he sexy...and yes I want him, but I know I don't need him...but ain't he sexy!)


So for the last two days I have been blogging and saving them as drafts because they are so muddled. And even though I try and walk away and come back to it, I still can't make the madness flow. And I think it's because I haven't dealt with this issue yet:


Counting my blessings.


People tell me all the time that I am going to be blessed for taking in Chucky's Bride and well I kind of snicker when they say it. In the back of my mind I be thinking, blessed or curse either way, it can't get any worse. But the reality of it is, it can. It can get much worse. We could have been in Haiti when that earthquake hit. Or in New Orleans when Katrina came. People could know just by looking at Chucky that he gots some issue instead of finding out when he opens his mouth.


The reality of it is: I am very blessed, extremely. Sometimes the blessing is simply that I was allowed to get up and make another go at a situation and possibly get it right that time. I think a lot of my frustration is that my blessings are not necessary what I wanted, had hoped for or even prayed for; nevertheless, they were always what I needed.

I didn't want, hope or pray for Chucky's Bride. She was literally dropped in my arms. BUT, I needed her. I probably need her right now more than she needs me. Think about it, before she came, I was wasting time pining over Safeway trying to figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong and if the wrong could be right again. So God was like, you need something to love, you want something to love, you have been praying for someone to love you, well here, love this (This is why you have to sometimes be specific with your prayers). I also was forced to clean to get ready for her arrival. Something that was 10 years in the making.

I have learned so much about myself this month that she has been here. I really do not like children. But, I am good with them and good to them, even when I have to beat some sense into them. I have developed a lot of patience. And I do mean A Lot, that's the only reason I haven't printed up obituaries for Chucky and his Bride. But most importantly, I realize something that I had been taking for granted. That I am a great parent. I have done an excellent job with rearing my child. I mean he is a brat, but he is typically a well-adjusted, friendly, helpful, obedient, loving, BRAT.


I think back to how messed up my family was/is (um, ain't nothing changed but the name on the mail) I think back to how I used to envy my friends who had loving families, where people were proud to claim the other as their own. And I would sometimes daydream that my family was that way.... But even through those dark and unsure times, I always had my ICE. He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. He has loved me like one of his own children. He has picked me up when I was down. He has let me wallow in my sadness for a bit. He has loving me steered me back on course. He has always told me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to here. He has loved me, unconditionally. What a blessing. If it wasn't for him, I would most definitely be sliding down somebody's pole (and I wouldn't be on my way to put out a fire). But because I do not want to disappoint him, I try to get it right more than I get it wrong.

I always had someone willing to open up their home as a safe haven for me. It wasn't by mistake that I was blessed with so many friends that had loving families that welcomed me with open arms.

I think about how people in my building run out when they hear the tow truck pulling up in the AutoZone to make sure they are not getting towed. I don't have that worry. I have permission from the owner to park there, regardless of the time or the day. It's funny because I get special perks like this where ever I go. When I was in undergrad and was hungry and had no money to eat, the cafeteria lady and the restaurant lady always fed me and I never told them my situation. I mean Chucky's Bride came equipped (lol) with 8 outfits. Now she has about 30 and I did not have to spend a thing.


The last couple of days I have been extremely anxious because I need to get a voucher to pay for CsB's daycare. I don't have it right now to give out of my non-existent cash flow. Yesterday, I broke down and cried because every time I drop her off to this old lady, she hollas. And I would hate to have to break an old lady's bones, but I will. But when I went to get a voucher they told me I couldn't because I didn't have any paystubs (but I get paid, when I get paid, with personal checks) and then they told me because the courts didn't give her to me that I couldn't get a voucher. So I went to the courts to see what I could do. And well this guy he really didn't know what in the hamsammich he was talking about BUT his heart was in the right place. He wanted to help me help CsB. So he called around until he got me the information that I needed.

Today I went to the Welfare Office (my fav place) and they told me that everything that I had been told by their workers to get CsB on my case to even get a voucher was wrong. Then they told me that they did not know where the information was that I submitted. So, of course I am about to lose it...(okay, I did lose it... I went slam off up in there, but we gonna proceed as if I had remained calm...) and I am like look, I need to speak to someone who knows what is going on because I am tired of the runaround. I need to know what to do to get a voucher for this child. So, a supervisor comes and tell my person that he cannot put me at the back of the line after I had already been waited on and that I was going to be allowed to back date my application to when I came in weeks ago and was given erroneous info. BUT, I was going to need to bring in my birth certificate and my sister's birth certificate to prove that we were related. (um, you have a notarized document showing that we have the same name) I also need to get two letters from people that know me that can say the child stays with me ( you have a notarized letter stating she does and she ain't from here, and I am the only person she knows, who else she staying with). So now I was getting uptight because I don't know how or when I will be able to get my sister to send her BC. Turns out that her mother has a copy and is going to fax it to the people tonight and the two letters and my BC will be dropped off tonight as well.

So while I was worrying, God was working it out for me. He was blessing me. But had I taken matters into my own hands and went home and created one for her, I would have missed out on this blessing (I do not know how to create a BC nor would I had made one, but in my enraged state I may have tried to figure out how to make one).


"Just like a CsB, I want a lot of things, and get highly upset when I can't get what I want, but I am constantly learning that what I want is not always what I need and that God will give me what I need right when I need it, not when I kick, scream, holla, and beg for it."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)