Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.
I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...
Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.
People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.
So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)
So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.
I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.
Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded up....so even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.
Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.
Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes people...so I am back to square one...stumped.
What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?
"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."
~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)
The few friends that I do have help me try to move on. I will be on your cheering section too. Yoohoo!!
ReplyDeleteHave been thinking of this as of late. Salsa fills me up. Being around my family laughing, eating and talking fills me up.
ReplyDeleteBut right now, not many things outside of those things can fill up my spirit.
Wishing you good luck on your journey!!!
I always feel so much better when I'm active. When I feel emotionally drained, if I can get myself to the gym or to yoga I feel a lot better afterward. I'm glad you're back.
ReplyDelete@ Queen thanks so much for being on team Luv ; ) i really appreciate it.
ReplyDelete@Kay C: i like your list. the thing is, he told me i couldn't use people because i actually use them as a diversion to avoid the things i need to deal with. But it's nothing like being around folks you love and trust and getting your talk and eat on. I don't want to turn to food cuz I don't want to look up and find out that my inner fat girl is now on the outside. I would love to try Salsa but it is just so hard to carve out time for me.
@Chele thank you..it feels good to be able to sit down and get something somewhat coherent out. sometimes it just doesn't seem like there is enough time to do everything. I think that it would help if I worked out. I would like to start back playing tennis...but the kids schedule doesn't really allow it. when my foot heals I will start back skating but it's so expensive. I am going to try Yoga..I am going to see if I can just do it at home