Blinders Off!

I met someone.  He is a nice guy.  He is loving, caring and attentive...  but yeah, he isn't the one for me.  I know this and the best part about it is that I am okay with it.

I love him.  And was even in love with him.  But honey, ooh chile, I would kill him if he was mine.

For a second there, I was willing to settle because he was a good guy and folks always say the good guys finish last and I didn't want him to finish last.  But, after much hemming and hawing, I have realized that I don't deserve to finish last either.

I deserve nothing but the best and I refuse to settle any more for anything less.

It's amazing what a lil forgiveness can do for your outlook.


Houston we have lift off.... watch out world here comes Luv.

"If you want to change your reality, you must adjust your perceptions first."

~Gotta Luv Moi, cuz I Surely Do ....Smooches ~

Starting a New Book

i love you & i've loved you for a very long time...

i was so insecure, so broken, so mad, so NOT the me that I wanted to be when i met you.

i was so angry and so down that nothing you did made my smile last or erase the feeling that i really didn't want to be around you.

i wanted to love you....i wanted to know that you would love me forever & a day....one day

i thought that if i sexed you up good, you would stay.

but then i started hating myself because i was better than that...i'm sure you knew that

i hated you for a long time

i was so hurt and so confused ~ but once again i was trying to use sex to validate my space, confirm my place in your life.

but i am better than that...you know that

i love you and have loved you for a long time and probably always will

sure folks know you as the store but they also know you as HIM

HIM ~ the one i think of when i am lonely

HIM ~ the one i want to run to when i am scared

HIM ~ the one i want to grow old with

HIM ~ the one i want holding my hand to the very end

i wish i could say it didn't hurt

i wish i could say that i won in the end

i wish i could say that we rode off into the sunset

i wish i could make time stand still

i wish i had seized more moments

so i would have more memories to share

but i am done looking back and analyzing this story of you and me

i can honestly say that i am finally free

i understand your season and am grateful for the lesson

i fully understand that LUV is capable of loving

and it all started with me loving ME

"Sometimes you have to give thanks even when you don't see the blessing because I know God hasn't forgotten about lil ole me."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (smooches)

All Rise

Hear Ye' Hear Ye' the month of September is going to be a month of celebration for Luv and what a way to kick off the month!

Today, Sept 1, 2010 I finally decided to make it 100% official and put that Esquire behind my name. Yup, today after 2 years of dragging my feet and trying to sort out the mess, I swore in as an attorney.

Next stop Supreme Court Justice...

... yeah, they ain't ready for me....I gave them 2 years to get ready and they still ain't ready. Oh, well, I can't wait any longer....the stage is almost set and I'm ready to take center stage.

"Sometimes in life, we will have to decide what's right for us and when it's right for us even if it's the unpopular choice, it's what separates the leaders from the puppets."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ps: I was the flyest thing in that court room #realtalk (pics soon come)

When It's All Said And Done

I want what you want...



Some days I want it more than you...



And other days, not so much.

I want to be free!


Free from it all...


It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that she needs I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.

It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.

It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.

It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.

It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.

It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.

It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.

It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.

It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.

See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.

It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.

It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)

It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.

So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.

"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This Is Dedicated to You ~ Slim Bucket

For almost 11 years now, I have been hating myself instead of hating you.

Hating you for all that you put me through.

Hating you for all that you took from me.

Hating you for what you made me become.

Hating you for being the dirt bag, slime bucket that you are.


But today, I want to thank you. Today, I have to thank you...it's only right. Because of you, I really know who I am and what I am made of.

I remember everything about that night; even after all the nights of me trying to erase it from my mind...trying to change the events...trying to make it so everything would be right...would be fine in my world. But things weren't fine. Things weren't right.....

I wasn't fine.

I wasn't right.

But, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. You did. You not only violated and betrayed me, but you destroyed my trust. And for the longest time, I thought you had broken me. That the me who I was, was dead and gone. And to a certain extent, that is true, cuz now I am stronger, I am wiser, I am standing, and I am here. And I am better than I was before.

I know without a doubt that God did not make me to be broken. I have faced the 'worse' thing that could happen to me, and I am still going. Yeah, it made me stumble, and I sat down on the ground, and I wanted to stay there...but God wouldn't let me...my journey was not done...I still had a story to tell....I still had a life to live.

But, I was still being me..still trying to sort out the blame..still trying to be in control...still trying to go through the motions like everything was okay...still refusing to release myself from the blame and shame that I owned that so rightfully belonged to you.

But no more.

I want to thank you for being the coward you were because I pray that after 11 years you have also grown. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of men that had been thrust upon almost as violently as the fear was taken away. I want to thank you, for had it not been for your sickness, I would never really know what type of person I really am...I also wouldn't have been prepared to handle my child's situation.

I am more than a victim.

I am more than a survivor.

I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail on and focus on the silver lining and blue skies in front of me.


"Even in the midst of destruction, persecution, trials and tribulations, failures, and victimization one can find beauty and a reason to keep pushing, and not give in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.


I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me uneasy...got me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.


I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am able...now I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Slow Down & Live

Stop the races.

Throw out the schedules.

Walk, don't run....

Inhale...(that's breathe in) and Exhale (you got it, breathe out)

Now Pause, and do the 'Gangsta Clap' ( am I the only grown folk who gets really happy when they get to 'gangsta clap' with a large group of people?)

But seriously, lately I have been feeling like I am so over-booked, over-worked, over-scheduled, and oh so, over-my-head in/with everything. And typically when I start to feel this way, panic takes over. I become frantic and start doing things just to check them off my list. For example, I may need to wash 8 loads of clothes (on a good day) and in frantic mode I would just throw them in the washer and dryer without sorting or taking out the hang-to-dry and then well, you know what happens: colors bleed together and clothes shrink and now I am more frantic and upset than when I started cuz I have ruined clothes that I didn't have to ruin.

I have been feeling rushed. My child is in summer school so I have to get up in the morning drop Chucky's Bride off at daycare, take Chucky to one school to get breakfast then take Chucky to his school for summer school, go to work, leave work, pick up Chucky, race him to camp, race back to park my car, race for the train so that I can race back to work, once back at work, race to play catch up with any work, then leave work, race to get Chucky's Bride and then to get Chucky, then race to football practice, then race to make dinner, then race to sleep...and then I get up and race through it all over again.

Can you say TIRED? That's probably an understatement.

So, I have been in a funk probably since summer school has started because I do not like being late. And, I do not like having my day interrupted in the middle. And, I do not like feeling rushed.

And well, I don't like being in funks.. well, not as of late, so I decided to do something about it. I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. (no, i am not crazy)

I was like chile, why are you running around with this attitude and so mad at Chucky..what's done is done. It's not like you are not going to take him to summer school. And it's not like you are not going to take him to camp. So, why are you fussing about it. It has to be done and you doing it. You can't help it if you get him to camp late, he already late, camp starts at 8, what you rushing for. You can't help it if you get back to work late, you get an hour, it takes you an hour fifteen to an hour twenty to get back...oh well, it ain't like you just out shooting the bobo..how many times have you stayed late and not billed for it? Stop sweating this small stuff and release.

And that's what I did... I released the fear, the anxiety, the frustration and the anger. I released everything that I could not control and controlled the one thing that I could and well, I haven't been feeling so rushed or funky as of late.

"In Life, there isn't much that I can control, BUT I can Always control the way I respond/react to a situation which will ultimately determine how that situation/experience affects my Life....Seems like Life has everyone in a rat race, with everyone rushing toward the end. Last time I checked, the End promised to everyone was Death, no need for me to be in a hurry to get to that, so I am gonna slow down, and live."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

warning I may double post cuz i have been headblogging for a couple of days...

Inside Out Beauty

Have you every stopped to marvel at the beauty of a flower? I mean just really appreciated the petals, the color and the stem and how it all worked together?




Have you ever, stopped and marveled at the bud that did not bloom and recognize it's potential beauty? Realizing that ultimately what's beautiful on the outside, gots to be beautiful on the inside. ... And what's beautiful on the inside gots to be beautiful on the outside.




So me and CQP have been beefing. He has been getting under my skin. Partly because he ain't hearing me and he's dyslexic when it comes to understanding texts. And partly because he is finally seeing me. Or maybe he has seen me before and was just pussyfooting around the issue. Kinda like I had been doing with Safeway. Seeing the Elephant and acting like it was a kitten. Some things cannot be sidestepped...some things have to be addressed...some things cannot be sugar coated....some things you have to just spit them out the best way that you know how and let the pieces and the hurt lay where they may fall.... some things you can't apologize for and some things you have to let go, no matter how much they hurt you.




Most of CQP questions are trivial gum drop questions...questions that just fill up the empty space and allows me to work on my standup. But there has been one question that he often poses to me that I have ignored because it was the comfortable thing to do. To answer it would cause me to look deep within because none of my surface okey doke answers would do, not for him and not for me.



Why do I fight myself and hold on to the things that cause me the most pain...(of course you know these ain't his words..)



This question has bothered me, it has nagged at my soul. Because it has the ability of exposing me for the lil' lost girl that I really am. It had the ability of collapsing not only my walls but sinking my foundation. (yeah that I was supposed to be revamping anyways)



But I want this. I want a do-over. I want to erase all the negativity that is embedded in my heart, mind and soul. I want to take back contol over my vessel. I want this even if I can not verbally express it or emotionally show it. I am so tired of feeling the sorrow of the world. So tired of bleeding invisible blood. So tired of second-guessing the best friend I have ever known: ME.




So today, a day after my Granddaddy's birthday and four days before mine, I have decided to let the world me really see what beauty I possess on the inside. I have found that I hide behind a lot of things: books, wit, glasses, work, drive, pain, sorrow, drama, big clothes, etc. But the biggest thing that I have hid behind has been my hair.


My hair has been the cause of much joy but also much pain. I remember being at Six Flags with a fresh press out. I remember my parents admonishing me about working too big of a sweat, 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember not being able to get on the water rides because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember when the sky opened up without a moment's notice and it started to unleash gallons and gallons of water on the screaming and scampering thrill seekers. I remember my brothers racing to a nearby stand to grab a bag for my hair because 'I didn't want my hair to turn back.' I remember racing to the car and getting in the car and taking off the bag and laughing...My hair had not only turned back, it looked like I was first generation African. I also remembered wondering, when had I voiced that I didn't like my hair the way it was.


I didn't like the pressing comb. My mother always burned my ear and my head when she pressed it. It took all day and only lasted 15 minutes. I didn't like relaxers because they left scabs in my head because I was always scratching my head, even as the goob was getting applied to my head. And then, my mother was always finding someone to do my hair in their "home shop" and when my hair fell out the next day, she would understand why that person did hair in their home and not IN a shop. In high school my mother made me get my hair done every week because she always said my hair looked a hot mess...and I'm sure it did...but it was my hot mess. I always got accolades from both sexes when my Do was just right. I always felt good when the Indians were not just on the tips, but could be seen throughout my head. I am not sure when I started determining my beauty based on my hair, its texture, and its length...but it happened.

I have been wanting to start-over for a long time...especially with my hair. It is currently falling out due to my too blessed to be stressed, stress. I have wanted to stop the relaxers because I am tired of getting a touch-up every five weeks. I am tired of being a prisoner to my fears. I am tired of having my self-worth and beauty determined by superficial things. I am tired of being afraid to start over. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have never been much of a 'talker' I have been a doer.. and for a minute I have been going back and forth about this hair thing. I have been telling everyone that I want a do-over...then I have set back and listened to what all the naysayers have said...


Well last time I checked, them same haters told me that I couldn't be the 1st Black valedictorian in my high school, told me that I could not make it on my own, told me that I could not do law school as a single parent, told me that I wasn't beautiful because I wasn't light, didn't have straight feet, white teeth, didn't have really long hair, didn't have a big butt (but i really did used to have a dunk..i did) and well to them haters I say:


Look at me now,










Now that I ain't gots no hair (smile) maybe you too can finally see the beauty that lies within me that has been so wrapped in this protective bud, also lies on the outside. (now let me go straighten my wig)



"I have been waiting for my do-over; today, I realize that I really had been waiting in vain because all I had to do to get a fresh start was to allow my bud to open up and blossom."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

CQP: the answer is because I felt they defined me and determined my worth...was a testament to how strong I was...what I could endure...like battle wounds,scars. Gave me street cred...It was all that I had to hang my hat on...but no more, I am now in control of the ink that will memorialize the rest of this crazy journey...you welcome to come along for the ride.

i plan to get caught up on everyone's blogs this weekend so please excuse the late comments

If You Happy and You Know It

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, do the hoooooooooootdog. Let's do the hotdog again! I like that part, something about putting my hands on my hip and swerving my hips that perks me right up.



Things have been pretty hectic around these parts. Things are coming at me from all angles. It's like someone's thrown me in the ring with Iron Mike, I'm over here ducking, bobbing, and weaving, trying to get away from him, cuz if he hit me, I am sure Imma here Chris Tucker in my ear. And Mike looks hungry, he ain't going for an ear, he going for my sides.



But, I am still managing to smile. Actually, I am smiling a lot lately and it feels good. I feel so free.



I mean don't get me wrong, there are some days where I want to climb back in bed, pull the covers over my head and ask for a Do-OVER. But when I put things in perspective, whatever I am going through right now fails/pales in comparisons to what I have already come through. It's like already going through a tornado and then getting caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella.



I am learning that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of the situation. And, I am actively choosing to find something everyday to smile about ~ even if it's just laughing at myself. But trust, as long as I got Chucky and Chucky's Bride in here acting like Tom and Jerry, I will always have something to laugh or smile about.



The more I sit on my hands still and let God direct my steps, the more at peace I am becoming. The more willing I am to stop and smell the roses and take it all in. Each day feels like a brand new day instead of one long low-budget movie.

"Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to live in the moment--to enjoy what's right in front of us. Sometimes we miss out on happiness because we are so busy looking for it. Smile, enjoy life, it's the only one you've got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches!!)