What the F

Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!

And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?


So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.

These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)


"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

It's the Little Things that Will Be the Death of Me

I am the way that I am for a reason.

I cannot fully explain that reason to you if you don't already know me or if you are just getting to know me.

Just know that what I say is the way it is, and the way it is, is what I say.

Some say that I am a little backwards and unorthodox at times. Well, that's what they say, and typically those who say this, haven't met anyone like me, AND shall never meet anyone like me unless they are introduced to my child. He is a piece of work. A piece of work that will be the death of me. ( I will get to that a lil later) They also ain't took one step in my shoes let alone a mile.

If I had my choice, I would have thrown my hand in a long time ago. Seriously. I am tired of stressing. "Oh, Luv, you too blessed to be stressed." What the heck ever. I am stressed and I am telling you that I am stressed. Don't tell me there is no need to be stressed when YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE I AM COMING FROM OR WHERE I HAVE TO GO!

I am tired. I talked to my uncle the other day and all I could say was, "Unc' I am tired. I can't do this any more. Something has to give. Something has to change. Something...." My walk in the government welfare office cut our call short, and not a moment too soon because the tears I have on reserve when I need to prove to people that I have emotions, were about to break through.

I have my niece. I love my niece. I don't like dealing with her mama or her grandma (yes that would be my sister and my mother) when it comes to my livelihood. For over 2 weeks now, I have been trying to get this child a daycare voucher. Why? Because I don't have the extra money to spend on it and even if I did, cuz apparently I do since I have been paying it (yeah that would be why all my phones are off and some more stuff), why should I pay for it when I can have it subsidized or paid in full (I should pay because most of the free ones are some crap). So, I am told that before I get a voucher I need to prove that me and my sister are related so they need both of our birth certificates (wtw), um you have a court order stating we are related and that I have guardianship...oh, I forgot, you are the same people that once told me that my child's birth certificate wasn't enough to prove he was mine and that he lived with me and that I needed to get two neighbors to write a letter stating that he was my son (i digress), so I call the powers that be and tell them I need a birth certificate STAT..so my sister was like um, your mom has a copy get it from her. So I call her mother and ask her to fax it because they want it faxed directly to the office from Chicago (maybe they have heard about my *cough* skills) and her mother says okay. I call the next day and say did you fax it becuz I need to go and get this stuff straight. "No, I decided to just email it to you. It was going to be too much to bring the fax machine downstairs to fax it."

I check my email and OF COURSE it isn't there and she knew it wasn't going to be there because she has been BLOCKED for years, which is why she normally has my siblings email me for her.

So, I call back and say, I don't have it. Well, I emailed it to your sister too, maybe she could forward it. (deep breathing has been activated) I call and text my sister who doesn't have it either. I call her mother back and tell her so. Well, I could re-email it. (10,9,8,7,6...) "Why can't you just do what I asked you to do and what you said you were going to do...fax it...they want it faxed?!" "Oh, well, I guess I could do that, too."

So now an entire week has passed. And my niece is still going to the old lady who I have had to refrain from choking out on a daily basis. So finally, they get the birth certificate and I get the referral to go to the office to get a referral for a voucher. (gotta love the government) I go and wait over 4 hours to be seen, only to be told I need to come back the next day. I come back the next day and wait 3 hours before being seen and when we get right down to the end where I am supposed to sign for the voucher, that the lady decides to do her job (the nerve of this worker), she reads the health form and sees it is out of date. You don't say? It's only dated 2008 and this is eh, um, what 2010! Now why in the hammsammich would you send me an out of date health certificate KNOWING she would not be able to get in school or daycare with it. How do I know she/they knew? Because my niece has been in daycare before and it is STANDARD across the states that all health records on file are only good for a year from the date on form. AND when I called and told them I needed an updated form I was told "oh, yeah, she couldn't use that form when I enrolled her here either...they said it was too old. But, she has an updated one because your sister faxed it to the school so your niece could go."

So, I call my sister who wants to know why I can't just take her to a doctor up here because she would have to look for the form and my mother should have a copy of the updated form, too.

Enuf is Enuf and trust me when I tell you that with ONE day until my surgery that I have had enough. So I politely text both my sister and her mother that if I could not get the necessary forms to do what I needed to do for and with my niece, I would drive her back to the Chi.

The form was faxed to the agency within 3 hours. I received a text stating it was faxed and also reminding me that my niece could not eat beef or pork and that the daycare facility should be notified. Really? How about letting them know that the child is also allergic to all diapers except for Huggies. Or that she is allergic to most soaps? Or that she has the tendency to pull her hair out when her eczema flares up in her head. All of which I had to find out firsthand because you didn't tell me.

So, now I am going to the office, praying that it is nothing else that they need from me and that I can get seen within 2 hours so that I can make it to my job interview on time, get out of the interview in enough time so that I can get the crazy girl from the crazy old lady so that I can get to my child's school to go oops upside his head for the phone call I received earlier from his school informing that he had cussed a student out.

And my uncle is telling me that I need to set time aside to spend with just him because he is crying out for attention and I am like what time do I have? And better yet, when will I have time for me? I mean I can't even pee without someone coming in the bathroom whining and crying about something. When I get up at 3 a.m., my normal ME time hour, I got a little girl staring me in the face saying, "Ma-Ma, t.v. Handy Mandy? No? What about juice...water? Aw man." Don't get me wrong, I know that my child needs me. I need me. The girl needs me. I am only one person. I balance, juggle, do what it do, to the best of my abilities. I am a single parent. It was my choice. We all know I don't always make the best, brightest decisions when left to my own devices.

However, I am not right if my child is not right. And right now, he ain't right. So what am I to do but sacrifice whatever it is that I need to sacrifice to get him back on track. I am going to have to postpone (not stop) my therapy. It is draining me. And when I am drained because of dealing with my own emotional baggage, I don't have room to really deal with my child or niece's emotional baggage. And well, they come first.

It's funny because some peeps told me, "you have had to handle worst things than this..why are you so raddled?" And I keep telling them,"it's the little things that get me, but they don't hear me though."

"In life we always have choices. The choices we make in life will not only shape and determine our future, but often the future of those around us, especially our kids. Whenever given the choice, I will always choose to brightly shape my child's future even if it means dimming mine."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Lawd What Have I gotten Myself Into?

Sweet Jesus! It feels like I have Chucky and Chucky's Bride up in this piece. These two are driving me bananas. And when I say these two, I am talking about my child that I pushed out after 21 hrs 45 min and 31 sec of natural child birth and my sister's child. YEAH THIS WOULD BE MY BIOLOGICAL SISTER'S CHILD

I mean CQP (quack quack) thought it would be a good thing for my child seeing that he was still having trouble adjusting to his situation ... thinking that his being able to be my BIG HELPER would help move him right along...move him right along in front of that bus I am gonna throw him and her in front of...

I mean every 10 secs there's somebody crying and it's usually him. I'm like dude you 6 and she 2..get over it. (I mean she did whack him in the head with a metal lunchbox..but the other times she just tapped him) He falls out on the floor and screams, "Mommy she hit me...Mommy she is sitting next to me...MOMMY she calling you MOMMY.." I am about to put a sock in it and I ain't talking about one of those 3 for $5 specials... geez

And this child she is like Houdini's twin sister. I mean I have strapped her down in every contraption I can think of and find and just when I stick my chest out thinking I have finally defeated Chucky's spawn, I feel her tapping me on my leg, "Ma-Ma...I got out." I mean I have invested in just about every car seat out there and she gets out... now I am about to buy some chains and chain her lil butt down.. let's see how she likes those apples. She has no discipline, no structure, no sense of danger and no common sense. (if she did she wouldn't fool with me) So everything is "No." The other day while driving she hit me in the back of my head with a chicken bone because I wouldn't take it from her when she said she was done. The look on my child's face as I turned around to admonish her was priceless.. he was like, yes, this lil girl is about to meet her destruction and then I can have the back seat back to myself.

But she's two and she doesn't know the ropes so I give her a stern talking to and ask her if she understands and she says no and then proceeds to shout Hallelujah Hallelujah.. I gots her Hallelujah and will raise her by two...she will be seeing angels if she keeps messing with me and my child.

So, to say it's an adjustment is an understatement. But what's funnier is people's reaction to me having her. "Why do you have her?" "What are you going to do with her?" ( I don't know, I thought about eating her for dinner but she still poops on herself) Um, what happens if your sister wants her child back? (Um, it's her child. I don't want her. I have one special child, wasn't really in the market for one even more special... I am shooting for a normal child) Why didn't your sister keep her? (well, it's quite evident that whatever is going on inside her world she felt it was best to send her child away to be with someone else. I think this is much better than cutting the child's head off or shoving her in a dryer and turning it on... or selling her into prostitution)

I am a lot of things but heartless is not one of them. I typically do not sit up and talk about a situation without trying to be apart of the solution. I am not sure what is going on...but I am sure that I can raise a semi-emotionally stable child. I am willing to keep trying to get it right as long as people are willing to trust their children with me.

"Be the change you want to see in this world. Stop sitting around passing judgment and pouring salt on people. Love thy neighbor or thy niece as yourself..lawd, God knew how to keep me on my knees talking to him in the 2010 cuz this situation gonna take a lot of prayer."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)