Thursday Therapy (part 1) ~ Fill 'er Up

Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.

I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...

Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.

People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.


So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)


So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.


I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.


Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded up....so even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.


Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.


Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes people...so I am back to square one...stumped.


What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?


"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy~Polar Express

As long as I can remember, there has always just been two sides to me.....

Hot ~ Cold

Positive ~ Negative

High ~ Low

Black ~ White

....either it is, or it isn't. Simple. Straightforward.

It's what I had to do to survive at such an early age. It's what is causing so much turmoil and chaos in my life right now.

It is hard AND it was hard as a child trying to make sense of all the foolishness that was going on around me. Because the simple, straightforward way is not always the best way OR the only way. Life is not like a math equation. I know this...I know this all too well because if it was, none of my plan's would have failed. I would not be where I am today still dealing with issues of yesterdays.

Up until this point, I have only had to really rely on me so it really didn't matter that it had to be either this way or that way because typically it was either this way or that way. Having a child does something to that equation, especially when that child has feelings and thoughts that are not my own.

For so long, I have been placing a circle in a square hole refusing to see that even though it "fits," it really doesn't fit. Or that it won't fit all of the time....

I want it this way but I also want it that way and well I can't have it both ways...but in my mind, it doesn't make sense, why can't I have my cake and eat it too. It's my blasted cake and if I bake it, why can't I eat it?

It's funny because everything feels like it is coming to a head in my life all at once. But, this isn't the first time this has happened in my life and I am sure it won't be the last....However, I do want it to be the first time (in a long time) that I have dealt with things in a rational, even, middle-ground manner.

I cannot do it all. (I know this) I need help. (I know this) I want help. (I know this) But, I have still been trying to do it all (Doesn't make much sense).

It's funny because for as long as I can remember, I have been one of those people that will either not ask for help and suffer through it, or ask for help and place a mental time frame on when I think the help should arrive and if it doesn't arrive in the form and fashion that I think it should arrive, I withdraw my request for help and go back to suffering through it. Yup, the Lil Red Hen.

Now there is nothing really wrong with my method (me getting defensive) but in all honesty, it is. This method has shaped me and it has helped me accomplish some really outstanding goals BUT as much as it has helped me, it has probably hurt me twice as bad.

Everything cannot be on my time. Everything will not be on my time. Everything does not have to be on an etched in stone time frame.

My child is wilding out. He has bumped his head and forgotten not only who he is BUT who his mama is...I guess it is a good thing he has some really great people in his corner who are willing to do what those who were in my corner growing up wouldn't do: SPEAK UP and FIGHT for him. (who is fighting for me?)

My child has stolen again...at least twice since our scared straight episode. The only difference is that instead of telling the truth, this Bama has lied about it. The first time, he lied on two adults. And this last time he stated that "if CB had been minding her own business and not his, I wouldn't have known anyways." So, me being me wanted to have him locked up...placed behind bars...um, possibly overnight...but due to the powers that be, this did not happen. So, I resorted to taunting him with the idea of going to jail. Telling him that he was going to get locked up. That they were going to "ching-ching him" making handcuffed, locked up gestures. Every time he looked at me, I mouthed, "You are going to jail." All of this going on while CQP is discussing with me how my child still refused to admit that he stole the gum (yup, I gots me a petty thief) but was making comments like "if I tell the truth, I am going to go to jail." Then CQP lays into me about how unhealthy my present behavior is and well at that point, I really didn't care and I told him so. WHO CARES?!?!

I do.

Even though I picked that time to have an Effie moment: "What about me? What about what I want? What about my feelings? What about me?" I knew I was wrong and that it was more than about me. It was about the team. (My Stomp the Yard theme that I had been trying to embed in my child the last couple of weeks.)

And I guess it was then that it hit me...even though I didn't embrace it until much later that night...that I really had to stop acting like a child and pouting when things didn't go as planned or as quickly as I liked. AND that even though I did not want to have all of my child's issues and inappropriate behaviors shifted to me, they really were my issues and they really were about me.

So, I guess CQP was right (dead): I am going to have to demonstrate the behaviors that I want my child to display. I am going to have to be that change that I want to see in him.

And in my mind this doesn't make sense because I don't understand why I have to re-train my child. I don't understand why my child just can't go back to acting the way he had been acting these last 6 years. I don't understand why I always gots to do something. I mean haven't I done enough...what I got him going to see a therapist for if I am the one that is going to have to do all of the work?(yes, this is me venting)

But, in reality all of this is about me and not about my child. And it angers me that it is affecting my child. It angers me that I do not have control over the situation and did not have control over the situation that brought us to this point. It angers me that my anger and my "2-pole" outlook has gotten in the way of me dealing with this situation in the appropriate manner. I cannot nurture and discipline at the same time. That's why you have bad cop, good cop. Mom and dad. So because of my choices, I have to put on both caps but because of the experiences that have shaped me, I choose to wear the dad cap with my male-child more so than the mom cap. I do not want a punk for a son. I do not want a mama's boy. (lawd, but it appears that I have one anyways) I do not want no deadbeat who is going to take instead of contribute to society. You know you have to train them from infancy....and I have been...and up until this point, my method has worked, but now I am seeing the importance of balance. I haven't been balanced with my child. I don't like getting intuned with my "touchy feelly" side.

The devil is also attacking. Whenever, I am at a point in my life where I am trying to draw closer to God, (because I treat God the same way I treat people....if I pray and Manna doesn't fall from the sky or I don't walk on water, I, um, rescind my prayer) which I am now, things start happening in my life that are extreme and one after another. Like the other day my tire blew out on 295. I checked my tire before I got on the road...it was fine. But before the blow out, I was dealing with something different, everyday, it seemed like, with my child. Did I mention that he had started defecating on himself? And guess what, MAMA DOES NOT DO DO-DO! (just in case I didn't mention this before) Then it's little things that if I ignore for too long becomes big things...and they all are becoming big things at the same time: NOW.

Sidebar: But I remember back in July I want to say it was...I had started to get myself together...started to let go of things that was interfering with my relationship with God and the same thing happened... a lot of EXTREME things started happening in my life...I remember the climax being the entire emission system falling from underneath my car while we were on Rte 50. I remember how I responded to things back in July, which is probably why I am taking a similar exam now in March.

So, this is about me. All of this. The good, the bad, and the not so pretty. I say I want this. I say I want change. I say that I am changing. So now is the time to put up, or shut up. To play, or go home crying. Am I willing to put in the work that is needed to effect the change that I want? Am I going to talk, blog about it, and not be about it?

What am I going to do? (It's funny because I have a post saved where I am trying to hash out what I need to do and what I want to do...and it's saved because my thoughts were so thick, so muddled, so not there...but now I think I am ready to tackle it)

I went to bed alone, defeated, crying, eating baking soda, and having a conversation with God. I was asking Him to take care of my child because I did not think that I could do it any more. I told Him of my plans and explained to Him why I felt it was necessary for me to do what I was going to do. I told Him some of the pressing things that were bothering me, things that I have been avoiding because I didn't have the will to deal with it or did not know really know how to go about dealing with the situation.

I woke up alone. I felt calm. I got up to check the time and to start cleaning. (cleaning sometimes helps me free up mind clutter) But, I stopped cleaning even before I started. As I was mentally getting myself prepared to clean, while simultaneously going through the list of things I needed to accomplish today, I read a text from CQP in response to my text apologizing for being so emotionally draining and informing him that I knew what I needed to do and I was going to do it...his response wasn't in itself very profound, but it was a phrase or maybe sentence that connected with me, that managed to unlocked some common sense that I had forgotten I had locked away for a raining day.

And just like that, I had answers to some of my pressing issues. Well, to be honest. I always had the answer but now I understood why I needed to go ahead and do what I knew I needed to do from jump but was too afraid to totally commit.

"Faith and trust go hand and hand. Almost like peanut butter and jelly. Without trust, I can not have faith...without faith, I cannot truly trust. I am learning that the more I trust myself, that the more I allow myself to put faith in other people. I am learning that the more I trust in God, that the more faith I have in myself and my own abilities. This storm is about over, and once again I am resolved to still be standing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Introducing Me

Look at me, I am absolutely without a doubt, GORGEOUS!
(a lil ashy around the shoulder and the inner arm, but still fab)


Do you know how long it has taken me to be able to say this and really mean it know it? Too darn long. And I am ashamed that I let so many people have so much power in my life. Never again.

So I told CQP that I am postponing therapy and he went on and on (blah, blah, blah, blah blah) about how it would be counter-productive for me. And well, he is wrong. Because I am progressing. I mean look, you actually can put a face to my blog now, if that's not progress, I don't know what is, cuz this definitely puts my witness protection bit in jeopardy.


So the therapist is still begging me to be open with him in person and well, err, I try...but when I try, he's never available. The timing is off...he be in a meeting and I be in my car boowhooing. He be in a session with someone else and I be walking down the street boowhooing. I cannot be open with everyone all of the time because I am not even open with myself all of the time, so you have to catch me when the opening is: OPEN

I even protect myself from myself. Now if that ain't crazy, I don't know what is. I fight myself on just about everything...


Right now I am going through it. I am at a huge crossroad in my life. It's exciting and scary at the same time. I have some major decisions that I need to make. I cannot continue toeing the line.

My Faith: I need to get it right with God. I need to put in the work. Some things you can't fluff, take the crash course on, or fake because when test time comes, you will crash. And I know that all I have to do is A,B, C, but for some reason, I just want to do D. But, I am working on it.


My Career: I need to pick one that allows me to do the things that I want to do for God. That allows me to be okay with the decisions that I have to make. That allows me to sleep at night and look at myself in the mirror. I say all this to say that I passed the Bar...um a year ago and still have not gotten the courage to go swear in. I have done a lot of things in my past that may come up and well, I am not sure how I would react if I was barred from getting in based on something I did in my past life. And I am not sure I want to practice....And I am not sure that the people that I want to be there to share in my moment, will be there...and even though I act like it wouldn't matter if they were there...it does matter.


My Child: I don't like him right now. Not at all. I see a lot of traits in him that I do not like and it pains me. My child is selfish when it comes to me. Don't get me wrong he is a sweet and loving child but he is very selfish when it comes to me. There are times when we only have exactly enough to feed us for that day and (I just worry about the next day when it comes) this child of mine will mess over all of the food and leave me nothing to eat...nothing. There are times where I am loaded down with bags trying to lug them up five flights of stairs to get them to our door and his hands are empty. When I instruct him to take a bag, he goes off into "I can't do anything right...I am so bad...My hand hurts.." just some nonsense I don't be trying to deal with at the time because the rage I feel inside, if unleashed would leave him lifeless on the ground. I know that I cannot teach my child how to be a man but I can show him how to be a decent person and right now, I feel like I am failing him. It's like the more I try to protect him from certain behaviors and people, the more he emulates them. Throwing in the towel is not an option, but trust me I be begging the Ref to speed up the rounds.


I also don't like my child because when I look at him, I see me. I see everything that I hate about me. I hate that I am so sensitive and take things used to take things personally. I hate that I get jealous. I hate that it appears that I am always playing catch up even though I have all the necessary tools to put me ahead of the game. I hate that his donor doesn't think it's important to be in his life unless he scoring brownie points with me. I hate that he has so much anger in him at such a young age. I hate that he gets the complex stuff but can't grasp the simple things. I hate that he doesn't understand and see what a great person he is and how he already running circles around some twice his age. I hate that I gave him life before I was emotionally right.


It's hard to feel something or share how you feel when there's a disconnect. I have turned my feelings off for so long that at times I don't know how to feel or how to appropriately act when it's dealing with me...if it's dealing with someone else, I'm good. My emotions are qued and ready to go.


With me, I typically lash out through my hair. When I am going through something or coming through something, my hair typically gives it away. Right now, I am going natural. Maybe it's me expressing that I am going back to my roots...that I am getting to the core, the bottom of things for once and for all. That I am taking off the masks. That I am ready to love me in the purest form......


Whatever it means, know that I am too far out here on this branch to turn back now.


The phases of me:

"I was broken. I was lost. I was beaten. I was forgotten. I was abandoned. I was unloved. God is fixing me. I was found. I am healing. I am unforgettable. I was adopted. I am loving me and I am here. Never again will I give my thunder away to those whose sole purpose is to block my rays."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ This Lil Heart of Mine

*******WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE LONG EVEN FOR ME AND IT IS GONNA BE KINDA MUDDLED AT TIMES, BUT I HAVE TO GET IT OUT SO THAT I CAN SORT IT OUT (MAYBE)********


So my heart is too big for my body, my feelings, my emotions, and for my love.

(at this time)

I'm a creature of habit. If it has worked nine times for me, why not go with it on the tenth try? So for as long as I can remember, I have been putting the weight of the world on my back ~ be it cousins, aunts, siblings, homies, or random peeps on the street. I want need to help people. It's in my DNA .

This is why when I saw the Secret Lives of Bees that I instantly saw myself as May. (I think her name was May) She had such a heighten sense of feelings. She saw and felt things that were hidden in the depths of people ~ things people guarded with their every breath and kept tucked tightly in their hearts. And like her, I am affected. And sometimes it consumes me. But I don't think a weeping wall would help me.

Emotionally I am drained.

The fuel light has been on for some time now. I've seen it, those in the back seat have seen it and well we have ignored it thinking that if we don't make it to a refuel station that it's enough of us to push. I can't help that my heart has this 'Never Say Die' mantra embedded in its walls. So, I have been pushing on, bypassing all the exit ramps and all the signals that this vehicle was gonna need roadside assistance soon. I can't help it that I want to help, even at times to my own detriment. My conscience bothers me when I don't help and I know I should...that I should at least try. I mean the world we live in is so heartless, so cold and I don't want to look up one day and find that I have joined the ranks.

I remember watching Katrina on T.V. I remember crying and not being able to remove myself from the tube. I remember being so affected that I packed up all of my food and water and was about to load up my child and my car and drive the 21 hours to Louisiana. I remember my child asking me, "What are we going to eat after you give all of our food away? Where are we gonna sleep when we get down there cuz I don't want to stay in the building where they killing and fighting people." It was then that I realized that caring is expensive.

When you care it costs you...Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, and Financially. I cannot afford to care.

(at this time)

If I didn't care about my child, I would have been in Louisiana, winging it, without a second thought. If I didn't care about humans as a whole, I wouldn't have attempted to deplete all of my resources just so that they could have something. I mean it wasn't much, but it was something. Something that perhaps would have resparked their faith, their hope.

I think about my newfound situation ~ the timing was definitely off for bringing Dennis the Menace's counterpart into my fold. I mean my child and I were already dealing with some unusually challenging issues and we really did not have any emotion left to embark on the emotional rollercoaster ride we were strapping up for.


My heart wouldn't have seen it any other way.

I figured that if I couldn't bear it, God would not allow for it to take place. I could not subject another child to the mental and emotional abuse of knowing that you are a burden or that you are unwanted. My child, well he needs to get over it because if something happens to me, someone is going to take him in...payback is a motha...so he bets to shape up.

So, I have all of these old emotions running through my body. They are so packed in there that there isn't any room really for any new emotions, new situations that my heart is taking on. Trust me when I tell you that my heart finds a cause everyday.

So for the past couple of days I have been going back and forth with CQP and Safeway (I know) trying to sort out, put a name, a face, some strings to my emotions. And well I am starting to believe that I really don't have any feelings/emotions. That most of the time I don't feel much. Feelings are really so over-rated. CQP is so lost and so off the mark about my feelings that well, I just humor him. I don't think it's healthy for you to show emotions with everyone or to let everyone into your circle. I am not trying to get a We Are the World panel going on, I am just trying to be more balanced when it comes to my emotions and private thoughts.

Maybe I don't have any emotions left. I mean, shouldn't I still be mad at Safeway? Should I be looking forward to his now very frequent phone calls? Something tells me that I am setting him up for a big fall (reread that I am a creature of habit...and get back has ALWAYS been high on my list). I mean when he talks, I pick up my rake and shovel...don't want none of the crap getting on me. I'm allergic to manure.


But what is it about me and hurt? Why do I hold on to it? Guard it with my life? Why do I continue to allow it to have a say in my life? Why can't I fully let go and let God? Why do I have to make sure people get what's coming to them? Why, Why, Why?

Well while I was trying to make heads or tails out of the madness, I came across this statement in Rolling Out newspaper: "We harbor the hurt, in order to cultivate and justify the resentment and animosity against others." How true is that? The longer I dwell on the hurt and pain that this fool has caused me, the more validated I feel in prepping to smash his heart into a gazillion pieces. But, when I don't think about the hurt and think about how much I have learned from our interactions, I feel grateful for being one of his fools and don't hate him at all and don't wish him any ill. BUT, it's so much better to plot and plan his demise. But is it worth it?


"If I could, I would love the entire world. I would feed and clothe them and invite them in from the cold...but what will that leave me. If I give all that I have to offer, all of the time, how long will I have anything to offer? Caring is sharing, but it's also expensive, and sometimes we have to give people rain checks."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

My Guy

So it's becoming apparently obvious that it must be destined for me to get with a BIG guy because as of late a lot of really, really, big guys have been approaching me.

Now don't get me wrong, if that's what you like then I love it, for you. NOT ME, but for you? I mean have you seen me? Okay, some of you all haven't seen me, but for those of you that have, you know that me with a 6'3" 320 lb man is NOT a good look for me. I mean we won't be looking like a ten but people will be looking at us wondering how my lungs were holding up. I mean really, I have dated people heavier than me...Dirty was heavier than me and when he used to hug me or snuggle with me, it was like he was squeezing the life out of me.

I mean I remember on many occasions screaming, "get off me, I can't breathe." That's when I took to changing his diet. I wasn't trying to die from suffocation of a lover. "How did she die?" "I hugged her."

So today I went to the doctor's to get more test ran..I am sure my insurance is loving me. And there's this dude that has made it clear that he is really into me and well, I won't lie, I adore the attention, BUT not him. I mean the attraction level is zero partly because our bodies are not compatible. I am thick as I was told by several cuties today, but I ain't as thick as I would need to be to be able to deal with the likes of him. I mean he leaned on me and it felt like my ribs were cracking. Now don't get me wrong, he ain't sloppy looking and he ain't obese BUT he is too big for me. It would be like the old Monique getting with Snoop...she too big for him.

But just dealing with this guy on the limited basis that I do, has prompted me to think about what qualities and features do I want in my guy. And well I am really not sure. I thought I wanted an expressive guy, but this dude is always about to cry when he talking to me and telling me about how he so into me but his life ain't quite right. And I really want to tell him sometimes to MAN THE HECK UP, I mean I might get him a MAN DOWN shirt. So, I am going to list the qualities that I think I want in a guy and revisit this when I have more time to really process what I need from a guy and not just what I want.

What I need from him is:

Understanding, it's so simple as 1, 2, 3 (I couldn't resist)

But seriously, I need: Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Love, Support, Tender Affection, Commitment, Good Sex (all sex is not good), Protection/Security, Friendship, Stability, Openness, Leadership

"As we grow and mature, we understand that what we want should not outweigh what we need."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

ps: Thursday Therapy is coming, I just didn't want to post it before the Quack was finished reading what he was supposed to be reading because I don't really want him to read my take on this session.

Coming Clean(er)

So the truth of the matter is, that I have shared a lot of things and it has been freeing, but I have not talked about the one thing that affects me the most.


I think I am embarrassed in denial mad that I let this go on for long without seeking treatment.


I suffer from PTSD.

Which often times have me feeling like this during the winter and spring months.

I am still unclear if I suffer from seasonal depression as well. But I do know that from October until May that I have a very hard time functioning outside of my little world inside of my head. I have made a lot of excuses, well not really excuses, but it seems that people are more comfortable hearing "stuff is going on" then "I am depressed and just can't deal with you or anything outside of the norm right now." And it doesn't help that during these months, typically things are going wrong that I cannot control or that are out of my control.

October ~ The month the twins were supposed to be born

November ~ At 5 months, Chucky stopped breathing and had to be raced to the hospital. He had something that had it gone untreated he would have died. For the next 4 years, every November would make the beginning of my child's hospital stays. He would spend weeks at a time in the hospital from November until April.

December ~ Usually I don't have no money, no food, no lights, no gas money (but I still look good and I still manage to smile cuz I just need to survive until tax return)

January ~ The rape

February ~ My child is usually in the hospital fighting for his life

April ~ First twin died

May ~ Second twin died

So, I think that I earned the right to be a little "touched" and up until recently, I had been managing pretty well. Actually I was even profiting off of my misfortunes.

I remember when I went to counselling for my little sister when I was younger and her therapist told me that I could be in therapy for the rest of my life and still never be right. I laughed at her and told her that when a real therapist told me that, I would take it to heart. I was 16.

My first year of undergrad, I practically missed because I slept most of it away. My roomie used to hold a mirror under my nose to see if I was alive. I thought I was just tired from working so many jobs and going to school full-time. My doctor told me that I was under a lot of stress...that I couldn't run from my troubles forever and that they were gaining on me.

The next couple of years I survived by getting paid for doing studies on people who had experienced a lot of stress throughout their life. They used to pay top dollars. I always would drop out right before the medication phase. I wasn't going to let anything alter my brain more than it already was. I remember the therapist telling me that I needed to get help soon...I needed to find a professional to talk to because I was on the brink of going into a deep depression. That I had already experienced more stress than a person 3xs my age and that it was only a matter of time before I would not be able to absorb anything else. I distinctly remember one of the doctors telling me that if I suffered another huge traumatic episode that it would probably shut me down. A couple of months later I was raped and probably 8-9 months after that I semi-shut down. And ever since, I have shut down during the months of October -April.

Well last year (2009) my cycle of chaos started early. It was in September that my child was sexually assaulted. And well, I have not quite been right since. He ain't been quite right either. In fact, he has been showing his natural brown behind every chance he thinks he is going to get. I took him the other day to try and get his brain scanned to see if something medically would prompt him to try and fight his teacher, his vice-principal and his principal cuz lawd knows he knew that I would possibly kill him dead once I found out. (I digress)

So my child's incident sent my PTSD into hypergear for a second or two, but now I am good. Not good in the sense that nothing is wrong, but good in the sense that I have not shut down. I have not retreated into my head. I have not ceased doing the things that I need to do. I stopped for a second taking the mail out of the box, but I got myself back on track to the delight of my mailman who told me that I was "showing off." It's a good thing too, I had a disconnect notice in there for my electricity. Can't have two crazy babies in the dark at the same time.

The fact that I am blogging right now is testament to my progress because if you check out my other blog, from 2005 until 2009, I did not have many postings from Nov-April. The fact that I am back to making sure I am seen as well as heard (have you seen my glitter Dorothy shoes? I gots to get some more cuz I have beyond dogged them) let's me know that I am changing. I am no longer trying to be cast as Ralph Ellison's leading character.

But nevertheless, this is something that I deal with and probably will battle with for the rest of my life? I don't know. Some days I do great and other days I feel like I am headed for the Humpty Dumpty break....I just want to bang my head against the wall and say, "Not another day, I can't take this," but inside I know that I can and that I will because it's what I do.

I just wonder if it would have gotten to this point if I would have seriously sought help sooner.

"I am not perfect. I do not claim to be. I have seen some things that have greatly affected me. That doesn't make me less than or even crazy. It just means that I just need to be handled with care, you know gently."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Love Is.....

My nemesis.

It has been for a very long time.

I want to be loved...in theory. I mean I was designed to be loved. We all were. But, I don't want to be loved up close and personal.

I remember when I was in 1st grade and I told my teacher that when I got married that my husband was either going to have to have his own room or his own house. And well, I still kinda feel that way.

Maybe this stems from the dysfunction I had witnessed and subconsciously I just felt that it was better to love a person from a far...or have them love me from a distance. Maybe this is why I do so well with long distant relationships.

So, my last post most have struck a nerve with CQP because not only did Mr. Man change my homework but he came up with a semi-complex, multi-part question. And since I was gonna blog around this topic anyway, I will try and give him at least one of his answers. (lol)

What is love? I mean does anyone even know? I mean it has been used so much and by so many. I mean does Rihanna love Chris Brown? And he her? I mean they say love does not hurt...but by the looks of RiRi's face and the plummet of Breezy's record sales, we know this is not always the case.

I mean the world wants to stand up and say Chris didn't love her and vice versa...but what about my father? He beat my mother, and she him. Did they or do they love each other? And what about the man that cheats on his wife? Does Shaq love his wife? Or dare I even ask about Tiger? What about all the people shacking up too scared, too whatever to make it official...do they really love each other if they secretly waiting for something or someone better?

They say Love never fails...so why do people get divorce, why do people walk away, why do so many people mistreat the one they claim they love?

Actions Speaks Louder than words for me, so you can say you love me, say you love me and even put it in a love song, BUT if your actions are telling me something different then that's what I am going to go with.

For me, love is simple even though I make it so complex. It's really about the little things, cuz anyone can get the big things right. It's about stepping in and picking up the pieces without me saying a word. It's a warm embrace when you know I've been out fighting against the world. It's you caring even after I tell you to stop. It's you remembering that if I ask, then I must need, and you doing it without any questions or any fuss. It's you respecting me enough never to diss me in public or behind my back. It's you supporting me when I am right and when I am wrong. It's you telling me and showing me that I am wrong when I believe that I am right. It's you standing beside me long after the crowds have left. It's you holding my hand when I am scared. It's you accepting me and all my flaws. It is you being a true blue fair weather friend. It's you pushing me when I am starting to slow and you throwing me on your back when I refuse to go another step. It's being there for the good, the bad, the ugly and all that falls inbetween. It is being real when all others are being fake. It's taking my 3 am phone calls without hesitating. It's listening to the same story and watching me go through the same madness until I am ready to move on. It's protecting me even when you know I don't need it. It's knowing that I am not perfect and not expecting me to be even when I try to be.

As quiet as it is kept, I love a lot of people. But, I don't let a lot of people love me.

Why?

Because I hate being disappointed. I hate being let down. I hate turning around in the rough times and finding that the only people that I can truly count on is me, myself and I. I hate finding out that people that I care and love and who I would do anything for are telling people that my child is an embarrassment because of how he was conceived. I hate finding out that people who appear to be concerned about what I am going through is secretly cheering for my demise. I hate giving my all to people who are just going to leave, or worse don't appreciate what I am giving. So instead of going through all the motions and EMOTIONS (hi CQP) to come up empty handed or with a broken heart, I just do without...(not really cuz I still allow the Faithful10, my ICE, and a couple others love me).

It's not that I think that I think my love is perfect or that others' love is flawed.... it's just that I know me. I know what I have to offer and why I offer it. I feel others' pain...it keeps me up nights tossing and turning. I hear what isn't said...I see what is needed and supply it...I see under the surface because I look with my heart and not my eyes. I have been this way since little. But I have been unloved since I was little.

Why would I expect anyone to love me when my parents didn't love me? When my grandmother didn't love me? When my aunt didn't love me? Why would I expect anyone to show me love(unconditional) when the very people who were supposed to nurture me, support me, protect me and love regardless of what I did, did not?

I remember when my father stopped loving me, it was when my uncle found me on my Grandma's porch (not my grandmother) with a couple, okay about ten of my classmates, both girls and boys, doing show and tale with our "privates." I remember all the names he called me...I was in 1st grade.

I don't think my mother ever loved me. She didn't even love herself. I think I reminded her too much of my father for her to try. I don't think she got over losing her father and being hated by her mother, my grandmother. I think she was too busy protecting my brother from my father. I think life just got in the way for her to realize that one day she was going to look up and it was going to be a little too late to start loving me. I attempted to stab my mother when I was 7. I choked her out when I was 11. I stopped talking to her when I was 18.

So I went through life sorting, sifting, searching, defining, redefining, and giving love but when it was presented to me, it scared me so I ran. Not like I ran and hid behind the garbage cans in the alley so that boy couldn't kiss me. Or hid under that car. But I ran nevertheless, which brought me here.

In the words of Indie ( I heart her so) I am ready for love. At least, my mind and body is...I am not too sure about my heart.

" We know that physical wounds heal with time because we see them... emotional wounds often run deep and stay open because we can't see them to give them the care and attention they need. I have been damaged but I am not damaged goods."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ DETAILING THE HURT AND PAIN

So I am starting to think that CQP (Hi Mr. Man) is a tad bit nosey. I mean since when did men care about DETAILS? I mean jeesh. If I say I am good. Trust that I am good. You don't need to know the details behind why I know that I know that I am good! Just accept that I am good and move on to another question that you know very well you are not going to get an answer to.

Now that my 6th grade tantrum is over, I will proceed.

Am I open, or am I closed? Is it that you feel that I am open because I never shared with you before? Is it that you feel that I am closed because you are used to getting so much more? I mean it all really boils down to your perception of me...of what you have seen...and what you see now.

The truth is, I have many layers. My girl AsIAm said I am just like Shrek...I am an onion. You peel off a layer only to find another, another, another, and still another...it's like the layers and the tears are never ending.

So, there are days and things that I am very open about...depending on who you are. And there are days and things that I am very closed about. It's funny because I can come in contact with a complete stranger and tell them exactly how I felt when I was raped...when I watched my son die...when I realized that I had messed up a good thing; BUT I would not could not be that candid with some that I hold dear.

Why is that? Why is it that I can tell a complete stranger my deepest fear, my worse nightmare, my whatever, straight, no chaser and there are some in my circle that I have to give the G version to? Why is it that I double talk CQP? ( Yes, I am trying to help him reach his highest potential as a therapist, but it's a little deeper)

The answer is: I don't want to alter their reality of me. I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want them to feel obligated to care more than they already do. I am not in the market for pity. I don't want to burden them. Some of them really just can't handle knowing that I have been through what I have been through. And I really am a very private person. Strangers typically don't care. They ain't going to lose no sleep over me. They not going to look at me with those pitiful eyes. And then there is CQP (who doesn't like being called a quack, lmbo).

What is my resistance with him? Well it's a lot of things and nothing at the same time. Sometimes I just don't want to share. Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable. Sometimes I just have to be difficult because it makes the time go faster and it forces him to come up with more stimulating questions. Less surface stuff. A lot of times it's a defense mechanism; I know he is not going to push me through the open door even if I was the one to open it. And sometimes I am just full of it.

See, all of what I have just written is honest, it's open, but it's also only surface stuff. It's fluff. And well I am at a point where fluff just ain't gonna cut it. The bottomline is: I am resistant with him because I am still resistant to the idea of therapy. Yeah I know that I wanted to do therapy and that I needed to do therapy but it's like wanting to learn how to swim and someone walks up from behind you and pushes you in the deep in. This whole thing has caught me off guard. But I won't stop therapy because I am racing against the clock and because I know that everything can't be on my timetable. And then he is overly concerned. I don't mind that he cares but it's like this, if I tell you that it doesn't bother me, then nine times out of ten, it doesn't bother me, regardless of how many other people it would bother.

There are a lot of things that I have not accepted or come to terms with but this is one thing that I accepted at a young age: I do not think, process, or function like a typical person, if I did, I would most likely be dead right now.

So CQP wants to know whether I am able to accept and/or love people that have hurt me, and leave them where they are in my life without going back to revisit them or the pain so that I can continue to grow. (I think this is what he asked me...I had to decipher through the Wonk Wonks)

My response: I am going to invest in a box of Q-tips for him cuz it's evident he ain't hearing me.

But, I guess his question becomes a valid one once you edit and shape it some.

Am I am able to expose, examine, accept and let go of the hurtful things, events and people in my life without secretly pining over or avoiding them so that I can achieve maximum progression (Now, doesn't that sound better)?

My new response: Yes and No.

I have been hurt by a lot of things and a lot of people. Some of that hurt runs deep. Some of that hurt I am not strong enough to face right now. Some of that hurt I have released. There are some things in my life that I can and will expose, examine, accept it for what it is and let it roll off my back and keep it moving. There are some things in my life that I have to tuck away and deal with on another day. A day when I can be completely honest and open with myself. See this quest is about me and what I want for me and from me. When I close my eyes for the final time, I want to leave with the satisfaction of knowing that I was true to myself and that I was honest with myself.

It has taken me 3 years after our "relationship" ended to realize the part that I played in mine and Safeway's cycle of back and forth. To realize that I was afraid to let go of him and of what we had because I was afraid that I would never experience that type of love again. To realize that I was destroying any chance that we might have of getting back together and having a really healthy and loving relationship because of that fear. To realize that I really needed to focus on myself and getting me right because I was not emotionally capable of being anyone's wife. To realize that I could not make him love me the way that I loved him. To realize that I could not erase his love for me or the fact that we have a history together simply because I was hurting and things were not going my way. To realize that Safeway could not be the man I needed him to be until he was the man he wanted to be. To realize that I would be okay and that it would be okay to let someone else love me, especially if that someone was me.

"Letting go doesn't make me weak...it makes me lighter so that I can soar and reach higher peaks."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy ~ Hills and Valleys

Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk Wonk ~ yeah that's the size of what I heard today talking to CQP. He was really blowing me with all the Safeway questions.

Do you think it was a hill or a valley when you contacted the girl (see So, Outta Pocket)?

I mean I have been in the Valley of Death for so long, shouldn't he be asking was it a pothole, or a pile of snow?

But it's fine cuz I am getting a helicopter ride out of here. I've already paid my fare and I know my destination....

Life is what you make it and I am determined to make the best of what I have left of my life. Typically when I say I am going to do something and I have total control over the situation, I am going to do it.

I added my brother as one of my fb friends. (yeah the one I haven't talked to or dealt with in ten years)

I talked to my other brother on the phone.

See, small changes, but it's progression nevertheless.

"Some things you aren't going to have an answer for...you simply will have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (A Day Early) ~ Like You"ll Never See Me Again

Even though I don't really have the energy to do this assignment ~ I have decided to do it because I cannot afford to come back to this place and feel the pain and anguish and sit in the confusion that Mister Man (Quack ; p ) calls emotions.

Today's assignment for tomorrow's session is to write a letter to Safeway.. a letter expressing exactly how I feel...no fillers, no chasers.

So, we about to take the Henny to the head cuz that's the only way I am going to be able to reach the depth of my soul and leave it all expose out in blogland.

But then again, what do I have to lose? I mean, I have already lost him, what could be worse than that...pride doesn't keep you warm at night or help you smile through the pain.


So here is what I would say to HIM if I wasn't so scared of loving without strings attached..

I love you more than any love song you know. I am we are not the prototype, I am we are the real deal. Why is it that neither one of us really can pen when our relationship began or where it really will end? It's like I have known you my entire life. You were my Boo, but most importantly, you were my friend. I just can't sit here and watch it slip away. I know I have messed up with my last little stunt...but how is it that you knew before I told you what had set me off? How did you know that I thought someone had taken my place? That you were about to give your heart away... I won't lie, you hurt me, right down to my core. You kicked me while I was down and that shook me for awhile. But, I love you and they say love does not fail, so I could not simply walk away.

I have been running from something all of my life. I have been ducking and dodging, all of my life, and well I am was tired of running and had decided to fight. Fight for what was once mine. Fight for your love, fight for our love. Each time I am in your presence, I feel your love. Each time you kiss me, I feel your love. Each time you hold me, I feel your love. I see your love in your eyes which is why none of this makes sense to me. And it never will.

There are only so many cds with Lauryn's Sweetest Thing, MJB's Everything, India's Chocolate High, Alicia's No One, Raheem's Love Drug, Lutha's I Rather.. and the list goes on and on that one can make before the other gets the picture.

Before I met you, I had never been in love before, sure I had loved, BUT I had never given my heart away and stood by to watch to see whether they would toy with my heart strings, or love me genuinely. I had never wanted to be so connected, so close that when the vibing ceased that I would be left to pick up the pieces. You knew me when I was still walking with my head hanging down, still trying to find a reason to push forward. You knew me when the smiles were few and the pain overflowed. You knew me when I had given up on finding love and was settling for the Old Maid position. You knew me when I was broken and yet you still loved me. You still wanted me...You still saw me for the Queen I am.

Your love transformed me. It breathed new life into me. It made me feel free, again. It helped me start the journey of finding me. They say when that Love Jones come down, it's a mutha... well it surely is.

You made me want to be a better woman...and not just want to be, but put in motion the things I needed to do to become that woman...the woman that I felt you deserved. I didn't mind cooking your breakfast or washing your clothes (not that I ever did). What you say, be barefoot and stay at home? Yeah, I didn't even mind your old fashion goals. I didn't mind because as it goes, love will make you do and say some crazy things.

But it's something about how our convo ended today to let me know that your love is gone..that i went too far. and there is nothing i can do to turn back the hands of time because if I could I would have turned them back to the beginning a long time ago. Back to when you constantly called and doted on me. Back to when you freely loved me. You know back when I was listening to the people tell me (not u PIC cuz u always said he was a good guy, but then you also like Kream) that you were running that SE game on me. So instead of fully opening up and loving you. I loved you in measures...I loved you in portions. I loved you cautiously. I loved you to the best of my ability...I didn't want to give you all my love and then you casually walked away from me.

I couldn't "Stay in the Moment" though it was Worthy advice. I just couldn't stand not being in control...not knowing... and now look at the mess we're in.

How is it that something so right, could be so wrong? Is my clock running fast, or is yours running slow?

My head hurts and my heart is starting to clench up...and though i have said a lot...it still feels like i have not said enough... my faith is broken, and my eyes are closing, (and the tears are falling) but my heart's wide open as I say this in closing:

I love you Supa. You are the one for me. I never understood what people met when they said they had found the one until I met you. You can't complete me because I am already whole. But you do compliment me, you yourself said we were a perfect fit. They say... I say... the Bible says: Love never fails. So I have to TRUST and BELIEVE this and let you go and hopefully you will find your way back to my our love.

"I held my tongue when I should have spoken, I spoke when I should have been quiet. I hid what I should have broadcasted and publicized what I should have kept sealed. Some lessons do not have to be learned the hard way. I had love and lost it and now I have to sit and wonder if it will ever return, please don't make the same mistake I made. Love like there is no tomorrow, because sadly it may not be."

Gotta Luv M, Cuz I surely Do (Smooches)

Mr. Man if this isn't open enough for you, I don't know what is, becuz this is as good as it gets with me. You may never see me like this again because I don't know if I can ever love like this again or even if I want to. How you like them apples?

Thursday's Therapy~Stacking the Deck

Shuffle, Shuffle, Cut, Cut, Deal, Deal, Flip a Card, Deal

So, this is what the quack thinks I am doing to him. He thinks that I am shuffling up whatever it is he is asking me, cutting it down into segments that I can quickly manipulate, then dealing him out a heap of HORSE CRAP (but of course he used the word BullS) with one or two honest responses mixed in the HORSE CRAP.

It's quite interesting....

Whenever I would go to speak, he would whip out his imaginary deck of cards and begin to deal out my HORSE CRAP.

The things is, he would be dealing when I was actually being sincere and not dealing when I was giving him FILLERS or FLUFF not HORSE CRAP. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I have mastered the art of talking in circles to the point that even when I am being straight forward it is sounding like randomness? Or is it that I have been doing this for so long that I don't even know what I am really feeling? (I know that sounds crazy but it is possible to run from your feelings so much that you actually lose touch with what you are actually feeling...you begin to fool yourself) Or, is it that his male ego is so fragile that when he told me that he knew a lot about me and I laughed and said, "oh, really, a lot of people feel that way...but trust, just because I have sat and talked with you for an hour doesn't mean that you have learned anything about me. I can say a lot and not really say anything at all," that I damaged his ego?

So now, this week he is over there dealing cards and telling me that I am pouring it on and well, I wasn't. Or at least I don't think I was. Actually, I know I wasn't. I was having a really bad day, spent the morning in my car crying while talking to my uncle. (but that's a story for another blog in another location) And, well, I just didn't have it in me to talk in circles because I was already emotionally drained.

So my homework: (yeah this is gonna get old after awhile, if I wanted to be writing papers, I would go on back to my part time job of being a professional student.)

Write about why do I think I am in therapy. Why do I think I am ready for therapy. Why do I think I am not ready for therapy.

And if I simply write that I am ready for love, he will whip out that deck of cards and then I would probably wanna horse kick him.

"Masks, we all wear them, actually, we are taught to wear them, and even encouraged to wear them, whether it's to mask how we truly feel about a person or a situation, or to hide what type of individual or worker we are...we wear them. Some people have the ability to change masks as quickly as a person changing a hat or a pocketbook. Masks are fascinating and often necessary, but the danger with masks is: you wear them long enough, people won't be able to tell your representative from the real thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)