The Process of My New Life

Everything is a process.

This ain't the first time you are hearing  this.

My life was derailed when I was raped and life was left in me only to be taken away from me almost as violently as it was created.

I stood lied crawled cried slept in darkness, anger and despair for years because my ego wouldn't allow me  to reconcile that I the strong one, was weak.

I tried to bottle up all my pain and keep it inside so no one  would know that I was drowning even though everyone knew I was so far underwater that I might never break the surface again but me.

I ruin everything trying to save me.   Friendships credit relationships employment routines health

But as some of y'all remember,  I set myself free and decided to give active living a try. I  am still actively living and on most days,  I choose good over bad.

I am a vision that was once deferred and now I am a vision waiting to happen.


Everything takes time... that's one thing you can't rush

So like these dreams put on hold and temporarily destroyed,

 The visions that I see that are for me, that are God's will,  will certainly become my reality once again,

in due time

The process may not be easy but from the looks of things, it's surely gonna be worth it!

"Healing takes time as does finding your rightful place back in the universe, so enjoy the journey because the destination is but a vision that can suddenly change." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

When Dreams and Promises are Broken

It's a process that one has to go through before they can be made whole again.
Sometimes that process involves a lot of anger....
A lot of tears, yelling and screaming
Sometimes it involves a lot of cussing, if you the cussing type

No two episode or processes are alike, just like snowflakes; they may look the same but if you look
ever so closely, you will see that they are indeed different.

Pain has no boundaries.  Pain knows no names.   Pain will come like a thief in the night and will stay like a lover's scent.  It will wrap itself around you and embody you and try and seep down into your soul.

One of my sister-friends is in the midst of this pain.  This pain is trying to swallow her whole.  It keeps poking a finger in the hole in her heart that appears when the things in your dreams don't match up with reality.  I have traveled that road a time or two...

Haha, this is about transparency, who am I kidding, I'm still on that road.  I have my good days and my not so great days, but everyday I am making progress.  I shole ain't where I was when I started this journey.  I remember folks were trying to put me on that Sandra Bland watch.   *Le Sigh*

But I was suicidal.  Not really....but yeah a lil bit.  I wanted to sleep myself to death.  Ha and now faced with death, I don't know.   Some days I tell death and the debil to get behind me because I got things to do and people to see...and maybe even some people to do.

Other days, I'm like take me lord.  Take me before I send some folks to yah.  I be over here screaming, "I'm coming Elizabeth."

I am a walking contradiction.  An oxymoron.  I am an anomaly of sorts.  Just ask my doctors, not that they would tell you with HIPAA and all.   I am my biggest accomplishment and my greatest failure.  I am a work in progress that is still in the process of trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

The shattered dreams of doing the right things and helping folks and paying bills on time etc etc would pan out into me having an exceptional life.  The shattered dreams of having my trust broken by someone who was supposed to care for me and our seed only to see them make moves to hurt us financially when they shole ain't ante'upin' a dollar let alone 15 cents for someone that was part of their master plan ~ not mine.

The shattered dreams of thinking love would be enough.  The broken promises of forever that turned into never. 

It's something when your world comes crashing down and you no longer have the curtains, smoke and mirrors or mask the first to hide behind.  It's something when you are laid bare in front of all who care to see your nakedness.  It's something to be judged by folks who are steadily pushing skeletons into closets, drawers, and under beds.

You can't rush mourning.  You can't rush pain.  You just have to sit with it and in time, after you let nature take its course, you will be able to gradually get up and start to pick up the pieces to your life and put them back together.

"Things will never be the same after a major fall, but that's okay because scrapes, bruises, cracks, dents and the such add character, depth, value and wisdom to the journey.  Just remember to get back up."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ smooches