When Dreams and Promises are Broken

It's a process that one has to go through before they can be made whole again.
Sometimes that process involves a lot of anger....
A lot of tears, yelling and screaming
Sometimes it involves a lot of cussing, if you the cussing type

No two episode or processes are alike, just like snowflakes; they may look the same but if you look
ever so closely, you will see that they are indeed different.

Pain has no boundaries.  Pain knows no names.   Pain will come like a thief in the night and will stay like a lover's scent.  It will wrap itself around you and embody you and try and seep down into your soul.

One of my sister-friends is in the midst of this pain.  This pain is trying to swallow her whole.  It keeps poking a finger in the hole in her heart that appears when the things in your dreams don't match up with reality.  I have traveled that road a time or two...

Haha, this is about transparency, who am I kidding, I'm still on that road.  I have my good days and my not so great days, but everyday I am making progress.  I shole ain't where I was when I started this journey.  I remember folks were trying to put me on that Sandra Bland watch.   *Le Sigh*

But I was suicidal.  Not really....but yeah a lil bit.  I wanted to sleep myself to death.  Ha and now faced with death, I don't know.   Some days I tell death and the debil to get behind me because I got things to do and people to see...and maybe even some people to do.

Other days, I'm like take me lord.  Take me before I send some folks to yah.  I be over here screaming, "I'm coming Elizabeth."

I am a walking contradiction.  An oxymoron.  I am an anomaly of sorts.  Just ask my doctors, not that they would tell you with HIPAA and all.   I am my biggest accomplishment and my greatest failure.  I am a work in progress that is still in the process of trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

The shattered dreams of doing the right things and helping folks and paying bills on time etc etc would pan out into me having an exceptional life.  The shattered dreams of having my trust broken by someone who was supposed to care for me and our seed only to see them make moves to hurt us financially when they shole ain't ante'upin' a dollar let alone 15 cents for someone that was part of their master plan ~ not mine.

The shattered dreams of thinking love would be enough.  The broken promises of forever that turned into never. 

It's something when your world comes crashing down and you no longer have the curtains, smoke and mirrors or mask the first to hide behind.  It's something when you are laid bare in front of all who care to see your nakedness.  It's something to be judged by folks who are steadily pushing skeletons into closets, drawers, and under beds.

You can't rush mourning.  You can't rush pain.  You just have to sit with it and in time, after you let nature take its course, you will be able to gradually get up and start to pick up the pieces to your life and put them back together.

"Things will never be the same after a major fall, but that's okay because scrapes, bruises, cracks, dents and the such add character, depth, value and wisdom to the journey.  Just remember to get back up."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ smooches

Half-a-dozen In One

..... And 6 in the other

People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.

I want to be free....I shall be free!

So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.

I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.

When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.


So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.

I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!

Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.

PAUSE...yeah you read right.

This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.

I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.

I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.


"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.


10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....




I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...



And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

It's Been A Long Long Time Coming

And, it's time for me to stop numbing the pain.


It's funny because I don't even remember when I mastered the art of defusing pain. I know I have a high tolerance for physical pain...but I am not sure when I totally became numb to the emotional pain.


The memories used to haunt me, daily. Used to keep me up at night, shaking. I didn't want to close my eyes because I didn't want to slip into the realm where it felt like I was reliving it again. At least with my eyes open, I knew that I was just daydreaming and that the harsh realities of my visions had already come to pass.


I had forgotten the pain I felt growing up as me. I had forgotten what it felt like...I had forgotten how painful it was for me to be powerless in saving my babies..I had forgotten why the windows to my soul always looked like they had a murky haze on them.

I lost myself in my book. I lost myself in my job. I lost myself in worthless men. I lost myself in food. I lost myself in despair.


I know me and knew that something was heavy on my soul that needed to be addressed, but I could not pinpoint what it was. I thought it had to do with me blaming myself, so I discussed that but the feeling did not go away. I thought it was about me giving up on my child because I was taking his acting out so personally. So I discussed that but the feeling was still there. I thought it was this, I thought it was that...still no release from the tightness and the heaviness growing in my heart.

I had been planning on blogging about how Chucky and his bride were progressing. How the category 6 storm had downgraded to a tropical storm. How things were finally settling down and I was getting a lil' more peace in my house. But I received a text from my sister yesterday informing me that she will be coming to get Chucky Bride soon and that she is about to have yet another baby. And I immediately texted back asking her what is she going to do with this baby and asked about my nephew that is now 1 yrs old that she walked out the door with when he was two weeks old and never returned with. I mean you have 2 kids and someone else is caring for them...and now you about to have another. Birth control would not be the answer... neither would tying of her tubes. She is searching for love...searching for proof that she belongs, that she matters, that she is valued and that is when it hit me...


The last time I saw CQP, he hurt my feelings. He didn't try to, and I am sure he doesn't even realize that he did..but he did. We were going through the different issues that result in a person having self-value issues. I just couldn't wrap my head around why I didn't value myself especially with all that I had accomplished. So CQP broke it down for me about how terrible my childhood was...about basically how my parents failed at showing me that I was priceless and at showing me love...and then the peeps that did love and value me, they unfortunately weren't permanent features in my life...so I have been trying to reconcile my value ever since.

While he was talking and bringing up things I had told him that had happened to me, I felt a pain like I hadn't felt in a long time. I saw me at 4 and 5 crying myself to sleep in my bed. I heard my prayers to God asking HIM why did he choose these people to be my family. I saw myself comparing myself to others trying to figure out what was wrong with me...trying to see what I could do differently to get my parents to love me, to see me, to understand me, to cherish me.

I remembered how alone and unloved I felt. I remembered wanting to disappear. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve the treatment I was receiving. I remember hating myself.

So as he is talking I am wondering, 'why didn't I just end it all when I was little because I had a very dysfunctional childhood and standing here looking back, I am not even sure how I made it through.'


On April __, 2000, the doctors told me that I was going to die. This was right after they scooped my stillborn son into a specimen cup. They wanted to take my other son. I basically told them that they could go to hell. They assured me that I only had 2 choices, neither of which I morally agreed with. I told them if I died, I would die with my baby and I meant that and well, I did.

I remember the pain I felt. I remember how powerless I felt. Most of all, I remembered that I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. I couldn't mourn. I had work to do. I had to fight for my firstborn's brother. I had to try and make him stick or at least get to a point where he could live outside of my body.

I remember for 3 weeks I fought everyone. I fought my mother and her ignorant, drama filled lies. I fought my grandmother. I fought the insensitive nurses. I fought the incompetent doctors. I fought against my body's natural urge to abort my child. I fought the paramedic worker.

I fought with all my might and I still lost.


I remember holding my son in my arms...watching him fight to breath, fight to live, fight to be seen. I remember being angry. I remember feeling defeated. I remember feeling lost. I remember that I did not cry.

I couldn't...there was no time for that...I needed to sift through the madness...salvage whatever I could and keep it moving. I would cry another day, just not that day. And here it is 10 years later and I still haven't found the time to cry.. to cry for my sons...to cry for my dysfunctional childhood, to cry for me


But it is coming...I can feel it..and well, it's been a long, long time coming. I have been at work, tearing up...one or two may fall and then it's done. I have been driving and the same thing has happened, a tear here, a tear there. My soul is ready to release this backup of pain, of sorrow, of hurt of everything that I cannot verbalize that I have had to endure. I am worthy of my own tears. I am worthy to be loved.

"It's been a long, long time but a change's gone come. Each day, I move toward that change. I embrace that change. I love that change. I realize that I am only as strong as my weakest link and each day that link moves closer and closer to UNBREAKABLE."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)