No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Nothing Like Picking Your Own Warden : ) ~ Day 11

I am my sister's keeper. Why? Cuz we are all connected by a thread called human. It's funny because when you watch children play regardless of race, color, they all seem to get this fact. They will look around find someone that peeps their interest and run up to that person and start playing. Throughout the course of the day they will start to look out for one another and even profess that they are the best of friends.

Ain't it funny how things change when we grow up or even after someone educates us according to their prejudices and biases?

We are more willing to hurt and cause each other pain than to help them. We get more joy from seeing people suffer than we do them succeeding. And that's why when we get ourselves in a pickle we really don't have too many above us that can lift us up to the next level. It's more than crabs in a barrel mentality. It's a generational sickness.

So any who, today we were told to pick an accountability partner and well I picked two cuz well I can do that. Well I picked QQ cuz well sometimes he believes he is a neutral party even though he isn't but because I know that he genuinely wants to see me beat the demons that have been holding me hostage all these years, even if it's so he can pat himself on the back like he had something to do with my progress. Then I picked one of my sisters who from the very first time we met, we clicked. She balances real talk with a mixture of empathy. She is gonna give it to me straight with no chaser but she not going to beat me over the head with it. And, she has proven that she is not threaten by me succeeding.

Funny thing is, someone valued my input enough to make me their accountability partner #geauxme (more affirmation that I am making more and more mental space inside of me by cleansing and getting out of my own way)

"Yes, I can do it alone, but it's so much sweeter to know I have someone rooting me along."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)