The Best Me....

Means letting go of fears and negativity while standing in my purpose.  Yup, easier said than done, but it's doable.

It's doable!  Yes Yes Yes  and mo' Yes.  I am claiming it, not just for me but for you as well.  You can and shall walk in your purpose. 

It's amazing what happens when you change your perspective about things and how the things around you start to change, no srsly.   Ha, let me stop.

I hated my life and everyone and everything in it and around it.  I allowed Satan and his minions rob me of my joy.  His minions were folks in my family,  folks in my building, folks on my block, folks at my child's school, folks on the bus, folks in my sister circle, just folks everywhere.  These folks were trying to get me off my square, make me lose focus and for a time there, they were winning, but then I stopped and was like enough is enough.

I was sick and tired of lying in my own waste.  I was knee deep in crap and as I tried to turn around in it, I realized that most of the manure didn't even belong to me.  I was holding on to anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, despair, betrayal, sadness,etc etc that didn't even have anything to really do with me.  And for the stuff that did, why was I carrying it around like a piss soaked homeless blanket?

I mean I was mad that I was poor. 

I was mad that I was sick.

I was mad that folks didn't love me. 

But, my being mad didn't change anything.

It was time for me to put all that negativity in a dumpster and be done with it.

So, I started really consciously loving on me.  Really loving on and speaking life into me.  Now, I ain't going to lie, this was hard because I was going through a really bad breakup and I really didn't want to get up let alone boost myself up; but, it had to be done.

If I wasn't going to love on me, how was I expecting MK or anybody else to love on me?  Try as we might, it just doesn't work like this.

I started getting in the mirror and having my own pep rally.  "Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay.  She is fierce, she is funny, she has a whole lot of money.  She is sexy to the core and she doesn't keep score of who loves who the best.  She loves her life especially her kid, she loves her big ole house and the peace and quiet and the job that pays her beyond very well.   Team Luv is generous and loyal too she is happy yes so happy because her world is no longer blue.  Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay." (Don't laugh, cuz it is working)

I started reminding myself what a bad mammajamma I was.  Before I walked into situations where I knew before I had felt less than either because I knew my money was short, or folks wouldn't think I was light enough to be included in the "pretty crew,"  I told myself that I was a Queen, I was rich beyond compare, that my money ran long and that my beauty was flawless because I did wake-up like this, no fillers, contouring, makeup, concealers, this was just naturally me.  (or some variation of this)  And on the occasions that I did this, it was amazing how folks' greetings or comments would mimic some of the words I had spoke in my affirmation before joining them.

Perspective.

I started traveling with the few coins I had and being thankful in the moments that I did have.  I went to the Dominican Republic where most folks make $5 a day.  That is $150 a month.  I get more than that in foodstamps.  I mean I am poor, but buying a Coke ain't going to cause me to evaluate life goals.  I am not over here saying, now if I buy this Coke, can I still put gas in my car or buy some food to feed Snoopy aka The Child formerly known as Chucky.  And when the foodstamps run out, I still have enough coins to get him something other than flour and water to eat.   I may not be balling out like folks around me, but I ain't living on the streets selling my body for my next meal either.  To a lot of folks in these other places I have visited, I am rich.

Perspective.

I am sick but I am not wheelchair bound;  I can walk and run, even if it does cause me pain.  I am not blind;  I get to see the sun rise and set.  I do not need a tube in my stomach to eat;  I can chew and taste at will.  I can hear the whining of Snoopy without the aid of a hearing device.  I can touch and feel my love's face in-between my hands.   Thank you Jah!!!   I may not be well, but I am far from really being sick.

Perspective.

Slowly but surely, as I have implored these little changes in my life, things in and around my life have changed.  My cash flow has grown.  My health has improved.  And people's love for me has blossomed.  

My season and breakthrough is here and all I had to do was change what my mind's eye focused on!!!

"Live your life like you are already living the life of your dreams, change your perspective and focus on the positive and watch how your dreams suddenly become your reality."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

It is time...Circle of Life

So, you might want to take your bathroom break, fix your coffee, put on your pjs, finish playing Ruzzle and get settled because you may be here for awhile.  This one has the makings of being a long one, especially since I have been writing this since March 10th.  After failed attempts of trying to publish, I just mentally blogged it...rewrote it....etc. etc.  But something tells me that today is the day...

Today I came across an article about forgiveness that made my eyes water.  It just spoke to my soul, not because it was deep, but because it exposed a simple truth that I had been dancing around for 13 years now.       I have been stuck in time, stuck at the age of 23 because I refuse to forgive and let go.  This refusal has stunted my professional, emotional, financial, mental and social growth.

How do you forgive someone for making a mistake so fatal that it caused your entire life to be turned upside down?  Caused all the hope you had and represented to be blotted out over the span of 3 weeks.  3 weeks that haunt me faithfully every year.

But I am tired....not a good combination when they tell you that your time is running out.

I have no will to fight...but yet I fight because it is ingrained in me.  It is what I do.  It is what I know.  I am the proud survivor of Chicago's Southside where fighters and achievers are made.

I am kinda an oxymoron.  A real life contradiction.  The things I want, I give away.  The things I despise, I hold on to.  It's like I am punishing myself.  Punishing myself to remind me of that misstep of putting my trust in someone 13 years ago.

I wasn't always like this.  I remember when I used to open my mail on a regular basis.  I remember when I used to pay all of my bills and before they were due.  I never believed folks when they told me bills started showing up in different colored envelopes when they were past due.  Now, I am not only a believer but a collector of the rainbow threat letters.  (shrugs) I remember when I took care in choosing my outfits even if they were slightly wrinkled.  I remember when I was the rock for most of my friends and family, the one they knew without a doubt they could count on.  I remember facing my problems head on, come hell or high waters I was digging in my boots and standing my ground.

Those memories seem like a lifetime ago.

Four years ago, I started this blog because I was tired of pining over a love lost.  I was tired of trying to sleep and baking soda myself to death.  I was tired of waiting for God to wake me up from this neverending nightmare.  I was tired of feeling broken and full of hatred and despair.  I was tired of suppressing my emotions and keeping folks at bay.  I had given up hope on finding the one person I had been looking for and decided it was time to leave my exclusive pity party and get on with my life. I mean I had to.  I had Chucky and Chucky's bride to care for.

That was four years ago and though I have made leaps and bounds and knocked mountains back down to molehills, I am still not where I want to be...still not walking in my purpose... still not fully me.

Many folks who think they know me don't even realize they know a shell of me...

Few know that I was raped.

Even fewer know that I was the mother of twins.

Twins that I fought for even though they were the product of a heinous crime.

Twins that made me stronger than I ever thought I could be....

Twins that made me lose hope in all humanity.

But that wasn't the problem.  I had never really trusted humanity.  Humans were dust like me.

When I loss those babies, I lost my hope and my faith in God.

That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for a God-fearing Christian like myself.  God was my everything.  My end all to be all.  The source of my joy and the reason I had hope.  I believed that God could move mountains and that He could and would do anything for those living their life right.

Then I had my wake-up call and my world didn't just crumble, it imploded.  All at once.  One day I felt that I could take on the world and achieve anything I put my mind to as long as I put God first, and the next day I just wanted to curse God and die.  But I wasn't that crazy, so instead I just stopped living.  Stopped participating in life and just put my head down and allowed myself to be tossed and thrown whichever way the wind blew.  When I finally decided to look up, I was appalled at what I had subjected myself to.

I had engaged in unhealthy sexual escapades.  Hooking up with dudes I didn't know and didn't care to know.

I had stopped paying my bills and was working jobs that didn't cover my basic needs.

I had stopped communicating with the Faithful 10 and was so disconnected I didn't even know how to get in touch with some of them again.

I hadn't opened a piece of mail in over 7 years.

I had missed a lot of important milestones in the lives of folks I really and truly cared about.

I had allowed myself to be wronged on many occasions and never spoke up.

I had a baby with a married boy cuz he surely wasn't a man.

I had allowed myself to be surrounded by negative, gossiping, self-righteous, fake people.  And if you knew anything about me, you knew I was allergic to folks like that...it was like me putting on corduroy in 100 degree weather...a huge no-no.

I had not only dimmed my light, I had shut that bad boy off and was afraid to knock the dust off to see if it still worked.  To see if I still possessed greatness because I was never mediocre.

Something had to give.

I wasn't happy and I wasn't dying...or at least I didn't know I was dying.
I just was tired of living the way I was living.  I hated being unhappy and being around unhappy people.  I hated walking around feeling so hopeless like a penny with a hole in it. (yeah you know the song)  I hated that I didn't know myself when I looked in the mirror, IF I looked in the mirror.  I hated using the fact that I was poor confine me to a mental prison.  I hated everything about who I had become and just wished the old me would show up and rescue me, because that is what she did.  She was Supersaveaho and here it was she couldn't even save herself.

I was tired and sick and tired of being tired.  And you know they say that's when you finally get up and do something about your situation...when you get sick and tired of being tired.  And I guess "they" are right.  Because I did something.

I cut off my hair.

That's right.  The last thing that identified me with the old me, I chopped off.  Boy ole boy the reactions I got were astounding.  I think folks thought I had finally snapped and lost what little sanity I had left.  Folks were offering to send me to treatment. Concerts.  Vacations.  Whatever it would take to snap me back right.

Ha! But I didn't need them.  I mean where were they the last 10 years I had been pining away.  Why weren't they encouraging me to seek help then?  All I needed, I already had.

I needed God and I needed me...but in the reverse order because I always do things backwards and well that's what works for me, so that is what I am going to stick to.

I cut my hair off to force myself to deal with me.  To see me.  To save me.  To center me.  I was going back to the middle.  I was taking off the masks and doing away with anything else I could hide behind or disappear within.  My hair was like a fail proof conversation piece...kinda like when you put a hat on an non-attractive baby (don't act like they don't exist).  You are saved from lying about how cute the baby is by talking about how cute the hat or the baby's clothes are.  The same with my hair. Folks were saved from focusing on how sad and dead I looked by focusing on how nice my hair was...hair that I had to get permed every five weeks due to the naps that appeared that didn't allow a comb to go through.  Hair that sucked money from my already non-existent cash flow.  Hair that I had been hiding behind for 10 years.

I cut my hair off and the first thing I noticed was that was my naps were curls.  Duh, I mean after all I did have Indian in my blood.  And not none of that 12 lines removed Indian either.  My greatgrandmother was full-blood Indian and her husband was Indian and French.  Why the woman that birthed me is high yellow with sandybrown hair and eyes. The next thing I noticed was my head wasn't as huge as I imagined. And that it was a shame that I had allowed fear to stop me from cutting my hair off for so long.

I now wondered what else had I allowed fear to stop me from doing.

Fear is a crippling thing.  It will have your peeping behind doors and hiding under cars.  Fear of being hurt ever again had me living the life of a bag lady.  I had emotional bags.  I had mental bags. I had physical bags.   Ha, hurt my back, I was hurting my entire life carrying those bags around with me and honey, like I said, I was tired.  My body was shutting down.  I was having pains and experiencing paralysis that the doctors couldn't explain.

 Something had to give.

So I went and talked to a Quack... lol, I love him so.  He is so good at what he does when he says nothing and just lets me figure it out on my own because when he opens his mouth, lawd knows he be way out in left field somewhere.  9 times out of 10, we already know the answer, know what we have to do, sometimes we just need a little encouragement...sometimes we just need to know that we have someone in our corner.  Even if it's because they are getting paid to be there.  But that wasn't really the case with him....his money has long since stop coming for me and he is still here, being a thorn in my side.  Though we are going on 4 years, there are only a few things that he has said that has really stuck with me...made me pause, reflect, meditate and act.  I think the most powerful thing is what he asked me, said to me in one of our earlier sessions when I had slipped up and opened up to him.

"Do you think by holding on to the hurt, pain, frustration and every detail about the situation validates your experience?"

In other words,  was I refusing to let go of all things and people that had wronged me or caused me pain because I felt that would lessen the validity of my claim that I had been hurt or wronged?  That was deep.  I had never questioned why I was dragging around accountings of what had happened to me when I was four, who did it, what they said, what they had on, etc. etc. People are going to be people and with that being said, people are going to lie.  They are going to lie even if they caught on tape so what difference did it make if I verbally regurgitated play by play what went down some 20 years ago?  The more I chewed on it, the more I realized that fear prevented me from letting go.  Fear of forgetting who and what had wronged me and thus allowing space and opportunity for them to wrong me again.

I couldn't live in fear any more.

I planned a cross-country trip with the hopes of conquering one of my biggest fears of all-times.  My fear of unsafe heights.  If I could overcome that, I knew I could overcome just about anything.  I thought the test would be driving along the top of the mountains, and though that was a challenge at times, the true test came when we walked along the top of the Grand Canyon.  Jesus had to be a fence, a weight-holder, a pacemaker, and some more stuff.  I thought I would be okay because we could walk at our own pace and didn't necessarily have to look down.  Yeah, all it took was for someone to pass me and force me closer to the edge than was comfortable for me to set me off.  Next thing I knew, I was off the beaten path, in the woods, on higher ground on all fours.  That's right, I was crawling in the dirt like a lunatic.  But now, I am faced with more problems because the Grand Canyon is in the desert which is also home to the rattlesnakes, which the tour guide had warned us about.  And I am higher than the path so I can see straight down into the Canyon. So of course now my bronchitis kicks in and I am having a hard time breathing in the thin air.  Oh, and of course now I have to pee.  So I am crawling, panting and shaking from side to side. Yup, I am sure I was a sight to see, in fact I know I was because my cousin, who was still on the path was pointing at me laughing and stating to me the obvious that now I was higher up than they were. Duh, I guess that was why I could see the top of all of their heads.  Any who, I decided that enough was enough.  I was too grown to be about to pee on myself because I was too petrified to stand up and walk back down to the path. I also didn't want to have to fight no rattlesnake or scorpion or any other poisonous wildlife. I was tired of being a prisoner to fear.  A fear that I had inherited and it was going to end right there.  Either because I was attacked by wildlife and died or because I pushed pass, through, under, around my fear and got on with my life.

I prayed. Then I stood up and walked back down to the path and quickly through the next 4 or so miles of sightseeing magnificence to the waiting tour bus.  I made it.  It might not have been pretty, but it was done.

Next up was my mail.  I was embarrassed about the bags and bags of mail I had in my house.  I didn't want folks to think I was keeping bags of trash so I just didn't invite people over who weren't related to me.  And even some of them couldn't get in.  But it was time for me to tackle that...but I was afraid.  Afraid I had missed important dates, had more bills I couldn't pay, etc. etc.  You see how stupid fear will have you acting?  Duh, it was 10 years worth of mail.  Of course there were going to be bills and all kinds of stuff I had missed out on in there.  Me not opening it wasn't preventing that, it was just prolonging me finding out the inevitable.  So thankful for my cousin who volunteered to come over and get me started.  We got through 6 bags in about 8 hours.  The other four...yeah, that's not so simple.

So I had conquered my fear of heights and tackled my fear of opening my mail, which symbolized so much more because I stopped opening my mail the day after the second twin died.  So what was next?

Next up was confronting the rapist.  Yeah, I had figured I had been avoiding that long enough and I really didn't believe in taking baby steps.  If I was going to take the band-aid off, I might as rip it all the way off.  No need to be gentle.  Being gentle had me existing in a zombie state for over about 10 years.  I won't rehash that encounter because I know I already blogged about it....I will just say that a huge weight was lifted from my life when I did that.  It didn't matter that he was a jerk and that his words confirmed that he was still a jerk.  What mattered is that his words prevented me from escaping into the reality I had created about the situation. His words made me accept that what I had always known was true.  That he had raped me and that it was nothing that I could have done differently outside of not letting him in.  And well, I can't change the fact that I did.

Since confronting him, I have been able to get rid of most of my emotional, mental and even physical baggage.  I have forgiven and I have let go.  That's right because I know my HIM is coming for me and I want to be able to get on the bus with ease when he arrives.

I am the happiest I have been in a very long time but I am still not there.  I still seek out shelter behind temporary masks.  Whether it be big baggy clothes.  Big hair.  Big attitudes.  What have you. I am still running and hiding from something...from someone.

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of a lot of things for me.  It used to be the beginning of the end.  The day may heart cracked...the day the doctor stated I would die.  He was wrong. I died 3 weeks later.

Something has to change.  I am tired.  My body is tired.  My soul is tired.  And the doctors are saying I don't have that long to live.  They say if I make it out of May I am doing good.  Ha, I told them they need to recalculate because I have plans that I have already spent my money on in June.  And I am not one to waste money.  I have cancer.  But I don't believe them, even though they recently removed a tumor from my body. (shrugs) I am bigger than cancer.  I can beat cancer.

But....

I am not sure I can beat me.

How do you forgive someone for making a mistake so fatal that it caused your entire life to be turned upside down?  Especially when that someone is you?  I was the cause of my downfall.  I made the decision against my better judgment to let the rapist come stay with me.  I made the decision to allow him to enjoy life while I suffered in silence for all of those years.  I made the decision to not seek therapy because of fear of finding out that I had joined the ranks of most of my family and was now certifiably mentally unstable.  I made the decision to eat all that baking soda which has deposited metal throughout my body and poisoned my bloodstream.  I made the decision to have a baby with someone who was married and immature.  I made the decision to stop opening my mail and paying my bills. I made the decision to allow folks access to my life that don't deserve to be there.  I made the decision to turn my back on God because I felt I could make it just fine without His help.  I did it.  Yes, there were extenuating circumstances but I still made choices.  I chose to give up rather than do what I was known for doing, holding up my guards and rolling with the punches.

The doctors say some of the tumors have been growing for about 13 years.  Poetic irony don't you think?  All I need to do to beat this is to take my meds and eat raw veggies for a period of time.  But what if they are wrong?  I have been wrong before and it cost me my life figuratively.  I am not ready to lose my literal life. Not yet, not when I am have just reconnected with myself.

I have been punishing myself systematically for 13 years.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I did all that I could do and I lost. But how do you reconcile that your best wasn't good enough when your motto is 'failure is never an option' ?  Well, running, hiding and avoiding the situation surely aren't the best options seeing how that hasn't worked for me in 13 years.

I have to make peace with myself so that I can make peace with God and something tells me that this may be  my last shot.  Games tied.  Balls in my hand.  Do I dribble or do I shot?

Tomorrow is when my heart broke some 13 years ago.  Tomorrow is when I am choosing to finally mend that broken heart.  I will be picking up the pieces the best way I know how.  I will be living and embracing the pain and hurt and whatever else I may feel.  I will own it fully and then I will let it go. I don't need it any more.  I get it.  I messed up.  I went against my gut and lost.  Life happens.  I did something very few women are able to do even though many fantasize about it.  I carried two babies at the same time. I was the mother of twins even if very few people know it.

Tomorrow I will be celebrating life and I will continue to due so over the next 3 weeks.  Ending it with a private memorial service, for my babies and for myself.  I know some are probably lost and wondering why I   will do it for 3 weeks.  Well, my babies came 3 weeks a part, one in April and the other in May, which is why it would also be poetic justice if I died in the month that I had figuratively died in some 13 years ago. But it's not going to happen.

It can't. I am too close to true happiness.  Too close to finding my forever.  I can feel it.  I just don't know how to get to it.  I am afraid to take that first step.  But like I said, I am tired so I have no choice but to do it.  Tomorrow, I will face fear head on and set the tone for the rest of my life.

I am done running and not just because I am tired.  But because it is time for me to take my rightful place.  It is time for me to return to the circle of life before my circle completes itself without me.

I am from the Southside of Chicago, where fighters and achievers are made.  It is time that I start back acting like it.

"Sometimes the greatest act of forgiveness is to forgive yourself.  Falling down is never the hard part, it's the getting back up."

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~gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do ....... Smooches

ps.  for the ones that know me, this would not be a time to overwhelm me with calls, etc.  I was dealing with all of this yesterday and the day before and the day before that...just act regular.  I appreciate genuine behavior.

Patch it or Let it Burn

I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!

So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.

Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.

I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.

Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?


I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.

All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.


"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.


So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had possibly tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to Celie me at her Richmond concert.


So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Letting it Flow

And letting it go......

It's a scary kind of refreshing, to just not really care about the small stuff. You know the stuff that makes you second guess and question everything.

You know the stuff that ends friendships and destroys marriages....

Stuff that if kept in will have you popping lots and lots of pills before you are old...

Yup, that's the kinda stuff I have been discarding from my life. And it's funny cuz some of the stuff I had to step out of the 'limelight' to do. You know, I had to leave my surroundings and the "imaginary" glaring eyes to do.

So when I tell you this road trip was good for me, it was good for me. I am at peace with a lot of things. I see some things a lot clearer. I made some leaps and bounds. I had been transforming for a minute, but the fact that I changed my surroundings allowed me to make some transformations rather quickly without being under the scrutiny or watchful eye of my posse'.

I didn't have to hear, 'oh, look at you, is that this or that you wearing or got on?' I just did it and got to decide for myself whether I liked or did not like the transformation. And since no one outside of the four that traveled with me, knew me, the responses I received from them were at least based on nothing I had done in the Past.

I had never been a girly girl, and to tell you the truth, I still ain't. I used to hate any and everything associated with being a girly girl: glitter, makeup, purses, accessories, if Barbie has it, I hate it (except Ken, I love me some Ken).

Well, the entire time I was away, I wore some type of makeup (yup, sure did). Now I ain't saying that I always looked on point, cuz some days it looked like I was a Vegas act, but, it was a learning experience and I felt good regardless of how it looked to me....and the fact that I was hit on several times everyday, I am guessing it wasn't that bad. I also wore accessories, even went out and bought some while on my trip. I have to be honest, I am not really feeling the bows in the hair, but I will give it a few more tries before I bail. I have also been wearing my feet out with a fresh pedicure, even got designs on the big toes. I am soooo against designs on my feet, just cause more people to look at your toes...but I did it and guess what...I liked it. With each passing day, my feet looked less and less like bear claws and more like regular ole feet.

Since I have been home, I have been keeping up with the self-motivated make-over and let me tell you, it has paid off. I have found myself in situations where I was glad that I didn't look like I had just rolled out of bed...like the time I went to my child's camp and this 23 yr old with a body like #whoa was all in my face....then some of the officers who were throwing a cookout at the camp made sure I got what I wanted first. But the true test will be this week, cuz it's back to work and back to my old environment, and well, you know some habits die hard....

But I didn't come this far to just roll over and play dead!

"Sometimes you have to allow yourself space and time to change and grow...sometimes you have to go somewhere new to get that fresh start you are looking for."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.



I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.


Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...


Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Guess I Am In Good Company

I've been busy y'all. Busy living and loving, and loving and living. And it feels good. Each day I am excited to see what new thing I am going to discover about me...or better yet, what new things someone else is going to notice about me. I feel like a new person since I have been doing all this purging. I feel like a weight has been lifted since I have exposed MOST of my sins...can't tell it all, oh the Po-Pos will be knocking at my door.

It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.

I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.


But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)


To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.

Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)


This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...

"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their job...so when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Slow Down & Live

Stop the races.

Throw out the schedules.

Walk, don't run....

Inhale...(that's breathe in) and Exhale (you got it, breathe out)

Now Pause, and do the 'Gangsta Clap' ( am I the only grown folk who gets really happy when they get to 'gangsta clap' with a large group of people?)

But seriously, lately I have been feeling like I am so over-booked, over-worked, over-scheduled, and oh so, over-my-head in/with everything. And typically when I start to feel this way, panic takes over. I become frantic and start doing things just to check them off my list. For example, I may need to wash 8 loads of clothes (on a good day) and in frantic mode I would just throw them in the washer and dryer without sorting or taking out the hang-to-dry and then well, you know what happens: colors bleed together and clothes shrink and now I am more frantic and upset than when I started cuz I have ruined clothes that I didn't have to ruin.

I have been feeling rushed. My child is in summer school so I have to get up in the morning drop Chucky's Bride off at daycare, take Chucky to one school to get breakfast then take Chucky to his school for summer school, go to work, leave work, pick up Chucky, race him to camp, race back to park my car, race for the train so that I can race back to work, once back at work, race to play catch up with any work, then leave work, race to get Chucky's Bride and then to get Chucky, then race to football practice, then race to make dinner, then race to sleep...and then I get up and race through it all over again.

Can you say TIRED? That's probably an understatement.

So, I have been in a funk probably since summer school has started because I do not like being late. And, I do not like having my day interrupted in the middle. And, I do not like feeling rushed.

And well, I don't like being in funks.. well, not as of late, so I decided to do something about it. I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. (no, i am not crazy)

I was like chile, why are you running around with this attitude and so mad at Chucky..what's done is done. It's not like you are not going to take him to summer school. And it's not like you are not going to take him to camp. So, why are you fussing about it. It has to be done and you doing it. You can't help it if you get him to camp late, he already late, camp starts at 8, what you rushing for. You can't help it if you get back to work late, you get an hour, it takes you an hour fifteen to an hour twenty to get back...oh well, it ain't like you just out shooting the bobo..how many times have you stayed late and not billed for it? Stop sweating this small stuff and release.

And that's what I did... I released the fear, the anxiety, the frustration and the anger. I released everything that I could not control and controlled the one thing that I could and well, I haven't been feeling so rushed or funky as of late.

"In Life, there isn't much that I can control, BUT I can Always control the way I respond/react to a situation which will ultimately determine how that situation/experience affects my Life....Seems like Life has everyone in a rat race, with everyone rushing toward the end. Last time I checked, the End promised to everyone was Death, no need for me to be in a hurry to get to that, so I am gonna slow down, and live."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

warning I may double post cuz i have been headblogging for a couple of days...

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Letting My Hair Down

I don't do it often...

Actually, I couldn't remember the last time I just let loose, so I am guessing it was long overdue.

I mean I have been going through it, above it, under it and around it. So I figured I could use a little me time and well, I took it. I did something I haven't done in a long time, I treated myself.

That's right you read right, I treated myself to an all expense paid one day getaway. (well something is better than nothing right) I mean if it was just Chucky, I would have went for the weekend, but it's pushing it to ask anybody to watch Chucky's Bride two nights in a row.

I had a longing to see Monica. It's something about her voice, her songs that soothe my soul. I mean she has truly been through a lot and had to go through it while the world was watching and criticizing. Me, I just go through it in the comforts of my home...

So right around the time I was coming to terms that I needed to cry, I decided that I also needed to continue living, and that I needed to make an outward show that I was now living. I remembered that I used to treat myself to concerts all of the time. I was very fortunate to see my all-time favorite artist LUTHA three times. Oh, how I miss him so. I thought it would be fitting for me to see Monica cuz like her, I am Still Standing. Well, she wasn't performing in the DMV and the closest show to me was Atlantic City so I made it up in my mind that I would go. I asked a couple of my girlfriends if they wanted to join me... a few of my sistah friends were going through it too and I figured we would be great company for one another. If not, I would Still Stand by my lonesome.

The fact that I was on a tight budget did not deter me...when had I not been on a tight budget. The fact that I could not find a reasonably priced hotel did not deter me. If I had to sleep in my car, I would get there, I might not smell too nicely but I would be there.

Well, in the end, it all worked itself out. I got a really nice room for really cheap. I was able to implement Ms. Serenity's makeup techniques and enhance my divaness. And Ms. Monica herself (who sang her butt off) tweeted me back on Twitter. (yup, still floating)

So here are some pics of me letting go and letting loose, enjoy:

This dude was trying to push us into the water...I had to let him know that I was from the Chi and I would shank him.

"The more I treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, the more I realize that I am the ultimate prize. No longer checking for peeps who ain't checking for me cuz 'I am too fly for [anyone's] day to day'." (Monica StayGo)

~ gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do (smoooooooooooooches)

Easing On Down To What?

So I am off to see the Wiz, but don't know exactly what I shall ask him for....

Should I ask for a heart seeing how badly broken the one I have is....

Should I ask him for courage seeing how I am the Queen of a lot, but when it's time to put it on display, I retreat due to fear.

Should I ask for help in finding my home, since home is ultimately where the heart is....

I don't need to ask for a brain because I already know I have one of those even though I don't always use it.

Which one of these things is going to make it easier for me to keep easing on down the road to being the new and improved me...the truly improved, not just the same model with a different hairdo.

The thing that seems to come up all the time that I really need to work on is my lack of having a middle medium. But I don't know if that is a heart, courage, or home issue.

I know I need to address the home issue because I need to know where I am ultimately trying to get too. What is it that I want out of life? I mean really want...

See for me, once I see the picture clearly, everything else falls into place and right now, no matter how many times I wipe my eyes and defrost the windshield, the view in front of me is still blurry.

Now don't get me wrong, some things are definitely falling into place and I see what I need to do with them but those things are just small pieces of the puzzle. It's like having all of the end pieces in place but not knowing which piece you should grab next because you never saw the box the puzzle came out of.

I am making strides, but it's like I am still in Munchkin land and they still "welcoming me" and Glenda ain't looking like she gonna show up any time soon.

I see the road, I have touched the road and even stood on the road BUT for some strange reason, I am not quite ready to begin easing on down that road....

I gots some more soul-searching to do...maybe after I hop around the blog-o-sphere I will read something that will shed a light on what that reason may be.

"Iron sharpens iron, an interchange of thoughts and ideas is good for the soul."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Shhhhh, Can You Keep a Secret?

Well, you probably can't but I am going to tell you anyways.


I am loving my hair! And I am loving me! Seriously....
I have to admit that once it all hit the ground that I was thinking that I was going to have a meltdown, but, it hasn't happened as of yet AND I don't think it is going to happen, because I AM OKAY WITH ME.

Yup, you heard it, read it, saw it, right. I am okay with me...flaws and all. Well, I don't really look at them as flaws, I look at them as personality enhancers... My aunt, she betta be glad that she is my favorite aunt, asked if I needed rehab....(too late for that) My PIC sounded like she would be okay if it looked like a celebrity's when I was done..(Kunta Kente' with both his feet didn't go over well with her)..but, I feel so much freer. Not because it doesn't take me longer to do my hair, because actually it takes longer; I actually have to do something to it now. Hmph.


It's almost like having a newborn baby; everybody wants to offer their suggestion as how I should wear my hair and you know what I tell them..."I am just going to enjoy the juice and berry look right now and once this grows out, I will decide what I am going to do with it then." (got new pics of it but have to figure out how to get them from my phone...blogger won't let me upload pics or blog from my phone but I can leave comments...weird)


I am on to tackling bigger and scarier things. I think I even got the attention of CQP, I have even shocked him with some very open answers to some very personal questions. I did try to lay down some rules of engagement with him because he likes coming out the side of his neck from time to time especially when I am wide open...I don't think he realizes how sensitive I am.

I am sensitive...I used to cry a lot before I realize how cruel the world treated those who wore their hearts on their sleeve. I have feelings, lots of them, they are just really suppressed.

I had a great time on my "rebirth day." It's funny how peeps you don't even count as being in your corner, or consider as being THAT important, show you that you do matter...it's nice to be shown that you are cared about especially when the person showing you, isn't obligated to. (Thanks again for the brownie sundae...I keep telling you that I don't strike out...I might hit a couple of foul balls...but I am always in the game.)


I have had a crazy, crazy week...been getting home well after 11pm and been too tired to blog...but hopefully the Devil will see that I am still shining and still relying on my MIGHTY GOD and stepoff so I can get back to my routine of blogging every day.


"Sometimes all it takes to get over that hump, out that ditch, or to get that monkey off your back is to take that first step, God is willing and very capable of doing the rest. Faith is knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel even though you are surrounded by darkness."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Facing the Music

It's not always easy. Sometimes it's hard to admit that some notes are just out of your range...your reach.




That the harmony that you hear is only in your head and that the resonance of the actual dissonance of your life, can be heard by all even if it's ignored by you.




I say often, "I am unbreakable and that I was not made to be broken." But, I am not very committed to the statement, which is why I say it often to remind myself of the mere fact that it should be embedded in my heart.


I cannot measure my success by those around me, but I constantly do to keep from dealing with my overflowing plate of things that I have placed there. A lot of the things that I placed on my plate, I knew that I had no business partaking in... I saw the warning signs... I knew they would be bad for my health, but the curiosity got the best of me...and like the cat, darn near killed me.


I rely a lot on my own understanding and perspective of things even when I know it will be to my own detriment. I am afraid of commitment to the point that I even have a hard time committing to following out my obligations to God...it's probably why I haven't gone and raise my right held to commit to providing justice for all...


I look at my crew...you know they say birds of a feather flock together. Well, I have flocked with the best of them, but when it comes to soaring to the next level, to even greater heights or just completing that level, something always comes up that sidetracks me, blocks me, prevents, prohibits me from finalizing my course. I may make it to the next level BUT it's like I am always playing catchup because I am missing that extra piece you get at the end. Sorta like playing SuperMarioBros., skipping by certain levels with magic codes, BUT wishing you hadn't bypassed them because in the end you were missing out on your invincibility or your extra men.


So, this past week, I had surgery on my foot. Had my bunion removed. Hoping that removing the excess pressure on my nerves, will stop the lost of sensation in my hands and feet. But, so far, it has happened more than ever. But, I guess, I should be happy that i will now have "pretty feet."


But anyway, being home with the kids in all this pain with no one of my picking near to help me, really made me look at my ways. Especially after the "blizzard" snowed us in and knocked out our power for hours and I didn't have a flashlight, a candle, nor a working phone. I realized that my secretive ways may one day get me in a situation that I cannot get out of. My next door neighbor kept offering to help me, and I kept refusing.


She one of them I ain't one to gossip and you ain't heard it from me BUT "so and so did and said and went here" types of neighbor and well, she means well BUT I know that Luv, like Homey, don't play that.


But, I would be lying if I didn't say that I felt lonely, that I didn't feel abandoned EVEN though I didn't really formally tell anyone that I was having surgery. I mean I told my aunts and my cousin because I needed them to assist me with getting my child to school and with me getting released from the hospital. So Jill Scott got my child to school and my aunt came and got me from recovery and wheeled me to my car. See, um, I figured since I had a HIGH tolerance for pain that I wouldn't really need much help, err support than that. Boy was I wrong.


When the numbness wore off, the pain grabbed hold of my entire body. When i tell you that I have never felt pain like that, I mean I would rather go deliver a 20 pound baby vaginally, naturally, than to feel that pain again. When I told people that I had actually taken 1600 mg worth of pain medicine and was still in pain, they were shocked. One because I don't do meds, especially pain meds. Two, 1600 mg is a lot of mg and after popping those two pills I was still favoring the fetal position.


I really underestimated how much assistance I really was going to need. I mean I was told that I was going to get a cane and walked out with crutches. I have to walk up 5 flights of stairs to get to my door. Now add crutches to that equation while trying to keep track of a mischievous 6 year old and a super active 2 year old. These last couple of days have been hecka hard. Good thing I am really cool with at least one of my neighbors. She let us chill at her place and benefit from her candles when the lights went out so we wouldn't be down at my place in total darkness.

It was while I was down there chit-chatting with the ladies that it dawned on me that I had bought into the "i am strong and can handle anything" mentality. I cannot do it alone. Not now with two emotional children and only one good foot. And not never. I cannot seek that which I am also hiding from.


So for the last couple of postings, I have been fighting myself. My thoughts have been muddled. My vision has been hazy. I was at a crossroad and needed to make a decision. Was I going to self-destruct by causing Safeway pain, undermining all of my emotional growth? Was I going to continue fighting/being resistant against change. Was I going to continue to do things the way I was accustomed?


After pondering the situation and discussing it with those whose opinions I value, I decided to tell Safeway that he was in danger. Great emotional danger. I am sure that it hurt him knowing that while he was trying to be more "genuine" (his words) with me that I was plotting to destroy his emotional psyche'. I also told him that I lied to him about not commenting on his humping buddy's blog. I told him that I did not trust him any more and that I thought he was a liar. When he asked me if I hated him...if I was mad with him... I laughed. He really did not and does not matter any more. Because with each passing day, something else is reveal to me that shows me that God truly knows what is best for me and right now and maybe not ever, Safeway ain't it.

I have made a lot of progress and sometimes it seems as if I have to take 4 steps back just to move 1/2 step, and it bothered me. But now, I am okay with it. My progress cannot be measured by the distance I have traveled but it can be measured by the width and the ease of my smile. I know that I am afraid of what I have to do in order for me to get better, to feel better, BUT that doesn't mean that I am not going to do what needs to be done. At first, I thought that I could just renovate and make adjustments by tearing out a wall here and there...when that didn't work, I began excavating, reasoning that the outer core and the foundation could be salvaged....Now, I am realizing that I am going to have to send a wrecking ball in, knock the entire thing down and start anew.

Starting over from scratch is never easy...I mean think about all the time, money, memories, etc. invested in the old. Those are things I will never be able to get back. But looking at the return I am destined to receive once my life is properly built is enough for me to say a prayer and give the signal to let the ball swing.

"I cannot crave companionship and only welcome isolation. I cannot crave closeness and shun intimacy. I cannot strive for success and be afraid of failure. I cannot demand understanding and only hear what I want to hear. I cannot expect perfection from imperfect people. I cannot continue to forgive without also trying to forget. I cannot continue loving with stipulations and expecting to find true love."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

If You Happy and You Know It

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, do the hoooooooooootdog. Let's do the hotdog again! I like that part, something about putting my hands on my hip and swerving my hips that perks me right up.



Things have been pretty hectic around these parts. Things are coming at me from all angles. It's like someone's thrown me in the ring with Iron Mike, I'm over here ducking, bobbing, and weaving, trying to get away from him, cuz if he hit me, I am sure Imma here Chris Tucker in my ear. And Mike looks hungry, he ain't going for an ear, he going for my sides.



But, I am still managing to smile. Actually, I am smiling a lot lately and it feels good. I feel so free.



I mean don't get me wrong, there are some days where I want to climb back in bed, pull the covers over my head and ask for a Do-OVER. But when I put things in perspective, whatever I am going through right now fails/pales in comparisons to what I have already come through. It's like already going through a tornado and then getting caught in a thunderstorm without an umbrella.



I am learning that I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of the situation. And, I am actively choosing to find something everyday to smile about ~ even if it's just laughing at myself. But trust, as long as I got Chucky and Chucky's Bride in here acting like Tom and Jerry, I will always have something to laugh or smile about.



The more I sit on my hands still and let God direct my steps, the more at peace I am becoming. The more willing I am to stop and smell the roses and take it all in. Each day feels like a brand new day instead of one long low-budget movie.

"Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget to live in the moment--to enjoy what's right in front of us. Sometimes we miss out on happiness because we are so busy looking for it. Smile, enjoy life, it's the only one you've got."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches!!)

It's Time to Get My Grown Lady On

So for two days now, I have been trying to get on and purge my system of all the new negativity that it's collected.

But I wasn't able to because I could not get on the internet.....

Because I bootleg...you know pirate the internet....you know use any and all unsecured network I can find. On some days, I am very fortunate because I am able to use SamePlace's network. But most of the time SP's network isn't strong enough for me to use unless I'm up at the crack of dawn.....


You know, I also bootleg my cable so I can't get any movie channels....(but, I did report that I was getting free cable and Comcast just laughed at me)


I don't remember a lot about my last attempt at flexing my "permanent student" muscle, BUT, I do distinctly remember a convo I had with one of my Lifesavers.

"Hey, yo, you know I tried watching the Ultimate Hustla last night and couldn't."

"Really, why, is it that bad...I heard it was actually pretty decent."

"Becuz I already know the Ultimate Hustla...It wasn't nothing that they had to do that you ain't done...and done better with less resources. I don't know how you do what you do but you get your hustle on."


I'm sure Cherry meant what he said as a compliment but somehow his words stung. They hit me right in my gut. I don't know if it was because he was affluent and I was a floating. I just know that I walked away feeling a lot less bouncy.


Recently I was thinking about some of my older blog posts and thinking about how much I had grown...how much I had stayed the same in other areas...and just how different I was trying to become. Yeah, when I was speaking the Truthz and nothing but the Truthz, I was doing it from a different place. I was so hurt. I was so lost. I was so dismal. I know I said that Sum Tymes I Wanted to Cry, but in reality, it was all the time. But the funny thing was, I rarely did... I couldn't... I wouldn't.... I didn't know how to just let it all go.


I thought that if I cried that would be the end all to be all...that it would show defeat. Show that I was weak. Beaten. Down and out. But the reality was it didn't matter if I cried or not....just like it didn't matter that I hid my heart....you cannot escape life. It will find you.


So, I was here just thinking and refreshing and refreshing, hoping praying that I could get a signal, when it hit me.


It's time for me to grow the heck up.


It's time for me to get my grown lady on. And not just when I am flossing to go see Lutha (*tear*), a Tyler play, or some other event where I am able to push pass the madness and let my outter Diva show.


If I want a different outcome, I need to do things differently. Like I need to pay my bills on time. I need to get a reliable phone. I need to pay for internet. (lawd, yes, I said it..notice I did not say pay for cable, cuz I don't watch t.v. all like that). I need to stop trying to figure out how to make it on $0.15 (yes, a dime and a nickel) and start figuring out how to get that $1 to live on.


It's like that boot. Yeah, it serves it's purpose BUT it's not pretty to look at. And since it's already so dang ol' muddy, you are more apt to go out of your way to step in more mud then to avoid it. I mean, it's already dirty, why not.

Today I am turning in my moonshine license...taking my boots to the sink...laying my bootlegremedies to rest for I can't fully LUV myself if I am constantly dodging people and looking for hookups.


"Sometimes you gotta make it do what it do...but when this sometimes turns into all of the times, it may be time for you to do something differently. It's really true, change starts from within."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Admittance, Acceptance, Advancement

I am very disappointed in myself.

In my life.

In my decisions.

As long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was get as far away from home as I possibly could.

I wanted to go out into the world and start over - start fresh. I wanted to make me a new family - a real family so that I could stop borrowing my friends. (Hi Byrds, Regalados, Russells, Lawsons, Mitchells, Boultons, Wilsons, Tracys, Moses, Roberts, Tangs, Hamodehs) You know, one that was less dysfunctional than mine.

Now I know all families have their problems....BUT, there's still some loyalty, some affection, some love, some other feelings besides hate, sadness, misery and disconnect.

Yeah, leaving home was supposed to be my "get out of jail free card," my "do-over," my chance at happiness.

The thing about running is this~once you start, you may never stop. It's kinda like tellling a lie~ you gotta keep telling them to cover for the first one you told.

So, I left and never really looked back. Sure, I glanced over my shoulder, checked my rear-view to see if my Past was gaining on me ~ BUT, I never did an aboutface to assess the situation...to sort through the madness...to allow myself to heal or to breathe.

Fast forward 15 years later and guess what - those issues, situations, problems I was running from are staring at me from my driver's seat. They have been running ruining my life for some time now.

Love

I watched my father beat my mother.

I watched my mother mace my father.

I watched my father abuse my siblings.

I watched my father abuse me.

I helped plot my father's death (my brother's have chicken livers for hearts which is the only reason that my father draws air today).

Trust

My father cheated on my mother several times.

Family members stole from our house on several ocassions.

My father cut the head off of my Incredible Hulk bank and took out over $2000 that he spent on booze ( money I had been saving...none of which came from him).

Loyalty

I saw the aftermath of my father being stabbed in his head by his brother.

I watched on numerous ocassions as my Grandmother pitted brother against brother, cousin against cousin, husband against wife.

My own mother set me up so that my father could confront me after I moved out to escape any further abuse by him.

How do you move on from all of that chaos, stress, dysfunction if you never come to terms with it?

You don't.

This is why inadvertantly I had allowed my Past to impact my present and shape my future. No longer.

Everyday I get up and take a sledgehammer to the walls around me. No time for babysteps...I've wasted enough time.

"In the shake of a quake, I will not fall, that's how strong my love is (A. Keys)....Love, through it, all things are possible for God is love. Sometimes when you are going through it, and through it, and through it, you tend to forget that you don't have to do it alone. God is always there, willing and able to handle any problem....Question is, will you let HIM?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Hope After Destruction

I want this.

No, I need this.

I need to get down to the niddity gritty of this LOVE/TRUST thing because I am headed toward self-destruction...headed toward self-destruction.

I am tired of this inward, outward battle of proving that I deserve to be loved only to don my Nike's when it appears to be headed my way.

I didn't ask to be beaten. I didn't ask to be made to feel less than. I didn't ask to be made fun of. I didn't ask to be here.....but I AM and it looks like I am not going anywhere anytime soon. So, it's time for me to expose the demons in my head. It's time for me to step from behind the veil and let the world see me in all of my glory.

This week is a very difficult week for me....This week used to be a very difficult week for me. This week will no longer impact my life to the point it cripples me and emotionally shuts me down. Ten years ago, I was raped during this week. It's funny, because until recently, every detail of the event was still etched into my brain, but today as I type this...the details are very hazy.

This week is also the week that I met with my family and learned that sometimes even the families you choose will turn around and bite you in the butt while stabbing you in the face. I don't think I ever got over the hurt and pain from finding out that people I had taken a chance on, that people I loved and shared so much of myself with were sitting up talking about me and my child. BACKSTABBERS...yall know the song.

So I am damaged; I am bruised, BUT I am restockable.

I still have worth, even with all my baggage, with all my heartaches and breaks, with all of my disappointments. And I had forgotten this....

I had been in the charge formation for so long ( you know, head slightly tilted forward, eyes slanted, shoulders squared, knees slightly bent and feet dug in) that I had forgotten that everything did not have to be a battle. That some things weren't worth fighting for....

They say that if you want different results that you have to do things differently. Well me just doing the quick battle line assessment of situations, devoting time to the things that appeared to be salvageable and not even bothering with those looking like they were about to flatline, has not worked for me. I have saved a lot of things that I should have let die and let perish things that still had life in them.

"Defeat is only final if you accept it. For the past ten years I have been wandering around the same valley, experiencing the same types of situations BECAUSE I refused to learn the lesson. I refused to accept that even though I was severely wounded that I had not been struck with a fatal blow...I still had life in me. That I still was capable of accomplishing the impossible dream even with all the trauma I had seen and experienced. Today, I rise, will you join me?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (SMOOCHES)