2 ~Your Aspirations

I know it's probably weird that I chose to do this challenge backwards, but I wanted to go through the deep stuff first cuz I aspire to be emotionally full before 2011 sneaks in...

And for me that means tackling the hard, heavy, make you pause and ponder for a moment or two, situations head on.

I have a lot of things in the works. I am setting my stage for greatness, but before I can take my place at center stage, I must, I must, I must shake off these last couple of shackles that are holding me in bondage, depriving me of my total freedom.

I aspire to be totally open with myself at all times regardless of how it makes me feel. I aspire to process my emotions in a more healthy manner. I aspire to own a house big enough for me to hide from Chucky and CsB (if she still here). I aspire to launch an organization that will help eradicate some of the atrocities I see today. (haha, that said a lot and at the same time nothing). I aspire to become a better parent...even though I tell my child that I am the best, I am not. I have a lot of areas that need improvement, and well I am down (or is it up) for the challenge.

I aspire to be the love that I am searching for...

I aspire to swing through life like it's been handed to me on a silver platter even when my world has been turned upside down.

"The difference between aspiring and achieving is taking the next step...forward movement."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Updates, Rants, Vents, Etc...

I am a star...

Yup, a Supastar. I had forgotten this...but now that it's back on my heart and in my mind, I am gonna hold on tight to it.

I have been moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving AND crying. Yes, lawd, I have been crying and it feels good. It feels good to be able to release those toxins. Next big challenge is to cry in front of CQP...we shall see..

I have been successful with keeping up with my outward transformations. I am more comfortable now with applying makeup to this already gorgeous face. I still am however trying to figure out how to keep it from running down my face when I sweat. I am still not a huge fan of makeup but, I don't totally hate it any more. So I have made it my goal to apply some type of color to my face at least twice a week. I still have been accessorizing... as much as I can. My ears started to react to my earrings ~ see I am allergic to everything but solid gold but I can only afford chinastore gold...so I had been coating the earrings with clear polish which normally works, I guess it may be time to apply another coat.

I have been wearing my feet out despite all that chatter that my PIC has been keeping up. This is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait until next summer. Them bad boys gonna have a fierce tan they gonna be out so much.

I am in the process of setting my schedule up for the upcoming school year. I have decided that I am really gonna focus to spend more face time with my child. I am really going to make sure he understands he is a priority in my life. I am also going to have to limit my time on my various social networks. It's getting out of hand for me. So, I will only FB and Tweet before 6:30 pm, after that it's a wrap. I will be busy with prepping dinners and doing homework and getting caught up on personal enrichment like personal study and reading, in between running from this practice to the next.

I have faced a lot of roadblocks and I know that I am so much better for facing them than stuffing them or avoiding them. I have changed so much. I know that I am not the same person I was when I started this blog and I know that I will definitely not be the same person when I finish.

I am setting the stage for my greatness. I am preparing myself for my King. I am enjoying my life and taking time out to smell the roses and enjoy sunsets. I am living!

"Sometimes the only thing you can do in life is to 'just keep swimming' and hope that when it's all said and done that even if you went 'over' when you were supposed to go 'through' that it all turned out A-okay in the end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.


It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.



Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.


Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.


I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.


And you know what?


I'm gonna get all those things and more..


"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Admittance, Acceptance, Advancement

I am very disappointed in myself.

In my life.

In my decisions.

As long as I can remember, all I wanted to do was get as far away from home as I possibly could.

I wanted to go out into the world and start over - start fresh. I wanted to make me a new family - a real family so that I could stop borrowing my friends. (Hi Byrds, Regalados, Russells, Lawsons, Mitchells, Boultons, Wilsons, Tracys, Moses, Roberts, Tangs, Hamodehs) You know, one that was less dysfunctional than mine.

Now I know all families have their problems....BUT, there's still some loyalty, some affection, some love, some other feelings besides hate, sadness, misery and disconnect.

Yeah, leaving home was supposed to be my "get out of jail free card," my "do-over," my chance at happiness.

The thing about running is this~once you start, you may never stop. It's kinda like tellling a lie~ you gotta keep telling them to cover for the first one you told.

So, I left and never really looked back. Sure, I glanced over my shoulder, checked my rear-view to see if my Past was gaining on me ~ BUT, I never did an aboutface to assess the situation...to sort through the madness...to allow myself to heal or to breathe.

Fast forward 15 years later and guess what - those issues, situations, problems I was running from are staring at me from my driver's seat. They have been running ruining my life for some time now.

Love

I watched my father beat my mother.

I watched my mother mace my father.

I watched my father abuse my siblings.

I watched my father abuse me.

I helped plot my father's death (my brother's have chicken livers for hearts which is the only reason that my father draws air today).

Trust

My father cheated on my mother several times.

Family members stole from our house on several ocassions.

My father cut the head off of my Incredible Hulk bank and took out over $2000 that he spent on booze ( money I had been saving...none of which came from him).

Loyalty

I saw the aftermath of my father being stabbed in his head by his brother.

I watched on numerous ocassions as my Grandmother pitted brother against brother, cousin against cousin, husband against wife.

My own mother set me up so that my father could confront me after I moved out to escape any further abuse by him.

How do you move on from all of that chaos, stress, dysfunction if you never come to terms with it?

You don't.

This is why inadvertantly I had allowed my Past to impact my present and shape my future. No longer.

Everyday I get up and take a sledgehammer to the walls around me. No time for babysteps...I've wasted enough time.

"In the shake of a quake, I will not fall, that's how strong my love is (A. Keys)....Love, through it, all things are possible for God is love. Sometimes when you are going through it, and through it, and through it, you tend to forget that you don't have to do it alone. God is always there, willing and able to handle any problem....Question is, will you let HIM?"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry

The New Year is here and I am ready to take it by storm.

I am ready for the beautiful transformation that typically happens after something has been under extreme pressure for an extended period of time...

(for those slower than most, think of the pearl...for you PIC)

I am worth more than pearls and diamonds, but how could anyone recognize my worth when I myself had forgotten it?

It's funny how we can get so lost inside of our own head that we put out our own fire.

I am tired of taking the short end of the stick. I am tired of self-destructing because I am too afraid to push pass my fear. I am tired of wanting love and only letting it get as close as my fingertips.

I am tired of people NOT worrying about me because I always get it done, make a way out of no way at all. I hurt and I cry (and not just when I am watching E.T.)

So CQP (Cool Quack P..lmbo) did not feel as though my letter to Safeway was open and unrestricted. He claims that it was limited in parts and not totally free. Now he really feena make me ask him to show me his degree cuz, I mean if that wasn't open, I don't know what is.. I mean did he want me to do a Dewayne and be like "Baby Baby please, baby baby please?" I mean what more can I say to the boy? HE KNOWS how I feel about him. I told him, I've showed him, and I really have nothing left to give. And plus, he's gone...his heart has left and I'm left replaying one of my favorite scenes from Baby Boy "He don't love me any more...take me away." (classic foolishness)

So my homework for next Thursday is: To identify all of the negative cycles I continue to perpetuate and break them. (yeah, I am not feeling this one either so I probably will write about why I should free my mind by going natural)

sidebar...is anyone else wondering how any of this mess is helping me help my child deal with his issues which by the way have been compounded now that I have taken in a boarder (a tale for another day)

I have resolved that each and every day I will cut myself some slack and not take myself or life that seriously. So today, January 1st, I will not get mad at myself for yet again failing to wash all of those dirty clothes sitting in my living room. They will get washed.

"You don't need a new year to have a new beginning. Each and every single day can be the start of something fresh, something new, something wonderful; it's all in the way you look at it. A year is a year regardless of what day you begin it on. Here's to living each day to the fullest and enjoying it and recognizing it for what it is, just a day."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Trying of My Faith

The Devil tried my faith.....


and he almost won.



But I prayed.


Yes, I got down on my knees and I prayed. And I prayed, and prayed. I even prayed some more.

I said: "Dear God, please let me find the sucka who has done this to my child so that I can bust him to the white meat. And dear God, please let me find his parents so that I can do the same to them. Amen."

Now I do understand that we have some outta town guests that have stopped by to rest their feet or maybe just to eat up all our good food. And I am sure some of them may be reading this and glancing to the right side of my blog and rereading that and thinking this doesn't sound very loving of Luv. Well, you need to read 10 to Life and then you will see that my Only busting them to the white meat would be very loving on my part.


So anyways, after several days of searching and suffering from excruciating headaches and sleepless nights I decided to pray a different prayer:

"Dear God, now I know you know that had this happened a year or so ago that there would be no praying on my part...I would have reacted by now and someone or someones would be dead. That person no longer exists so please help me get through this even if I cannot make sense of it. Amen."

And well, I finally went to sleep. And when I woke up, I was still mad as all out doors AND I still wanted to bust a cap in someone, anyone (I kept telling Jill Scott that if I hurt someone I would feel so much better) AND I still wanted answers BUT the rage was gone from my heart.


"Often times the right decision is not the popular choice and it sometimes comes at high price. We all fall down and sometimes we are even pushed down; nevertheless, all that really matters is what you decide to do before you get back up. If someone tells you that they have never fallen, it's because they have yet to realize they were always lying on their backs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Green Eyed

My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

My eyes are green

Cause I eat a lot of vegetables

It don't have nothing to do with your new friend

(Erykah Badu, Green Eyed)

Usually, I have red eyes, or purple, or light brown, but there are occasions when my eyes are GREEN...w/ ENVY??? or JEALOUSY???? not sure, I just know I get this feeling in my stomach, you know the feeling you have before you get on the mega coaster? And I start doubting myself, wondering if my ba-dunk needs to bigger, or my boobs, or my legs, or if my hair should be combed differently (most days people are just glad that it's comb), and I am wondering if he looking at her, or if she likes hanging out with them better... you know the usually foolishness.

Today I went to see an old friend perform and I have to be honest, I was scared. I knew that He would be there and that meant all the girls that were trying to get at him when we were together would be there, and well I almost chickened out. It was just too much pressure of showing up and being fly enough to be noticed but not look like I had actually tried to get noticed. I mean, what did it matter, we weren't together, why did I need his eyes to become cemented on me the minute I walked in?

Well, it's probably because I adored being noticed by him. Loved the way he looked at me with longing in his eyes. Loved the way he dressed, yeah he always used to jock my fresh. It was just something to have one of the flyest guys come up to you and embrace you in a hug that always lingered too long.

Then there was that nagging voice in the back of my head asking me the question that I did not know the answer to: What if his new girl is there? How you gonna act? How you gonna feel? I mean realistically, all them other gurls hold the same position I hold...has been. (I just look better than them...well, I do)

I was torn... I wanted to go because since we have known each other, I have never missed one of his local performances...BUT, I would be traveling solo for this event unlike the other times when my girls came for moral support. So what's a girl to do?

Do I go or do I hide stay home?

Well, like I told you, I am ready for love and I decided that if I was going to do this, that I was going to give 100% and let them green eyed bodysnatchers fall by the wayside. So, I changed into the first thing I laid my hands on which just so happened to be this fabulous sun dress that shows off my shapely shape when the wind blows just right.

I stopped past my girl house, hoping that she was dressed (she wasn't). I still needed some moral support. I thought of calling this guy that had been trying to get at me for a minute, but I didn't think that would play out very well.

So I drove up to the spot where they were performing and the tightening of my body let me know that He was near. I looked and saw that he was posted outside the door. I doubled around to get a better look at him and to determine how I felt about him. I parked my car and rolled up to the door only to notice my homie from wayback. We got to shooting the breeze and low and behold, I forgot how nervous I was and why. I peeped as the girls came up and batted their eyes at him and my stomach remain steady. It did not do a nose dive to my toes.

I went in and took a seat in the back to take it all in...and I was fine... my heart was beating normal and I wasn't sweating. I saw this chick get really close to him and nothing.. None of the nonsense that used to cloud my thinking even appeared. I did not feel self-conscious or even the least bit ugly. I was FIERCE and they knew it...he knew it and most importantly, I knew it.

"So, if you are fighting with low self-esteem, body image, or just simply think that you are not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough, I am here to tell you that you are. And the sooner you get out of your head, the sooner you will realize it and watch how the world follows. Get up and go to the mirror and tell yourself, I am the best thing walking (um after MOI ofcourse ; ) )"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)

(i posted this last night but it did not come thru so I will double post today)

So He Didn't Put a Ring On It

So now what? What am I supposed to do? I mean I know I am not supposed to crumble or break down and cry...truth is I may have cried a lil river but I knew I would survive make it stop crying eventually soon enough.

And well, I have, sorta. I mean I can turn on my radio and hear No One or Heaven Sent and not have a deluge pour from my eyes.

But it still hurts, it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks... and even though it has been a year, or so, it feels like it just happened, it feels like just the other day he was holding me in his arms telling me that he loved me... (*cough*) and in the same breath telling me that he couldn't do this, that he couldn't be in a relationship, that he wasn't sure of what he wanted and that he couldn't ask me to wait around to decide if marriage was right for him.


I was devestated, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so busy worrying about whether I had played the fool, to let my feeling process and digest what had happened. I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to feel the anger and rage that I needed to experience to allow myself to get to the point that I needed to get to so that I could find closure. All I was concerned about was whether I was going to be the laughing stock and if he had cheated on me.


"He's Just Not Into You" -- but what if he was? What if he was just too scared to man up? Or what if my prospective future scared him? What if he really believe that he was unworthy or that he could not provide for me adequately? And what if he was a reflection of the feelings that I had allowed to be manifested in me? What if this seemly perfect relationship had to sour because I needed to LOVE ME FIRST before I could even began to love someone else or understand the love they professed for me?

Well, my unwillingness to face the harsh realities of what had become of my love life is what left the door open to frequent longings and infrequent pity visits to quash those frequent longings. And well, I finally got tired of the ups and downs and twists and turns and mustered up enough courage to simply walk out and shut the door behind me.

And now I have decided to take this time to court me, to get to know me, to love me, to spoil me and so I shall....

This is a little something I wrote while I was going through it:

How Long Is It Gonna Hurt?

i tried hating you

i tried berating you

i tried filling that void by busying myself

i tried cutting all ties

and even did my final goodbyes

but i keep finding myself right back here

right back wondering

right back crying

right back engulfed in the sea of confusion

and, yes, even jealousy so,

i am just wondering how long is it going be

before i can be okay with knowing

there is no more u and me

Well, today I know that it will take as long or as short as I allow it to take. And I choose to not let it have power over me any more.

"Love is patient, Love is kind, Love endures all things, however, at times Love does hurt, and it hurts even more when you try to hold onto a love that you need to let go...so if this is your situation, trust me when I say, let it go, shed your stream, river, ocean and keep it moving."

~GOTTA LUV MOI, CUZ I SURE DO (SMOOCHES)

Traffic Jams

I hate them in a car, I hate them on a boat, I hate them on a plane, I hate them on a bike, I hate them in my Nikes!!!! I hate traffic jams especially ones that happen for no apparent reason.


There is no accident. There is no construction. There is no feasible reason why we are at a standstill; yet, traffic flow has ceased or is a slight crawl.

Well that was what my life felt like...like I was in a perpetual traffic jam. Now, when I was undergoing my many life transitions, I understood why my life was stagnant...and even when I had placed my life on cruise control and had fallen asleep behind the wheel, I understood that when I finally collided that the gapers were causing and going to cause a traffic jam because they did not understand that the best business was to have some business of their own. But, what I didn't understand was why my life was going so slow and there was nothing visible hindering my progress.

I'm so use to having the pedal to the metal and pushing it while the backdrops blurs in my rear view. However, it was something oddly strange about my slowing down, it was as if my spidysense had detected trouble, like the po-pos lying in the cut, ready to jump out with their sirens blaring.

I was not sure what was going on but my gut was telling me that I should just ease up on the gas for a second and ride the slow lane for a minute and take it all in and well, that's what I did and not a second too soon cuz that's when my engine light went on, my tire blew out, and something under the hood started to smoke...

And there I was, on the side of the road watching as I became a blur in the passerbyers rear view. It was there that I started thinking about that ticking sound that had been coming from under my hood for about a month or so, I kept telling myself that I would get it in to get it checked out and well------------------------ I guess I never found the time and now look at me.

So, now that I am stranded I have decided to see what else I have put off because I was too busy, or too tired, or too whatever to deal with it. AND boy believe you me, it seems like I have been putting off a lot of things that I could have taken care of today and was leaving them for tomorrow, and well, today i vow to make a change because all of this clutter and baggage is slowing up my progress.


"If you have been procrastinating about fixing something in your life, thinking that it will just go away, or figuring that you will get to it when you get to it, GET TO IT NOW...before it stops you in your tracks AND demand your undivided attention. Cuz, I'm not sure it's enough room for the both of us on this shoulder."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do (Smooches)


P.S. So today I used some makeup and some accessories and while I wasn't Eva or Latifah flawless, I was fierce!!!!

Sistah Space

Is it me, or do we need a resolution when it comes to sistah's getting along with sistahs? I mean geez, is there a reason your face becomes so tight and twisted anytime someone you don't know or can't intimidate walk in the room?

Get it together....i mean do you need a hug? to blog so maybe you can deal with them issues you gots going on inside of you? Just because you a lightbright doesn't mean that you are the hottest or gonna to be the hottest thing walking..


and that, I gots to pray on it mess, um yeah, what you need to pray on is that you don't run into the wrong one or the right one who's having a bad day cuz they bound to bust you in the head til the white meat show, then again, that's just me.

just listening to these fools talk just made me say "thank you God for not making me a hater, I mean I am a lot of things but a hater ain't one." i don't have a problem going up telling a sistah that her hair is rocking, or her clothes are cute, and that her shoes are BANGING!!!! um, i am not going to go up to a sistah and tell her she gorgeous BUT i am also not going to be up in the corner rolling my eyes and sucking my teeth at her either saying "look at her, she thinks she is so cute."

So, on this journey of self-love, Imma have to shout out some of the wonderful, beautiful, dynamic sistahs that leave their footprints on my heart and perhaps even my soul.

"So if nobody has told you that you are beautiful and wonderful today, know that I think you are, and you are loved!!!!!"

*Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Sure Do*