She Made Her Bed Hard

So why can't she lie in it in peace. Why she gots to keep reaching out to me?!? I don't want her friendship. I don't want her trinkets. I don't want her love. AND I shole as heck don't need her mothering.

I just want her to leave me alone. Seriously. Just leave me be to find my way...and if my way should cross paths with hers, so be it, we make amends then and move on. But as of right now, I want her to stop sending me freaky looking texts of her face, of her hair, of her travels, and of her whereabouts. I honestly do not care.

I do not care that she cut her hair, dye her hair or even has hair. Is that harsh? Well, it's the truth. I do not care to share any of my personal tidbits with her about me or my child. Now that I have my niece, she thinks that she has more freedom to collide with my world more often. She is wrong. So, so, so, so, so very wrong. (in my Jill Scott voice, lol)

The line was drawn a long time ago. I never erased it. How dare she cross it without checking to see if it was okay with me. She infuriates me because she is the same, she ain't changed. She still the same ole person just light years older. It's funny cuz sometimes I look at her and see that she too is struggling to grow up that lil scared girl, struggling to find her way...but that ain't got much to do with me. Go head girl, find your way. Get your groove back. Do you. Leave me alone! Is that too much to ask?

She brings a lot of unnecessary drama into my life. Drama messes with my freedom. I don't sugarcoat much, especially not with females. Especially not the ones I am related to. People on the outside looking in would say that she is trying..that she is trying really hard and that I am just being difficult. WRONG. If she was trying, she would just leave me alone and just pray that I come around not try and force herself on me. She ain't about TEAM LUV she ain't NEVER BEEN ABOUT TEAM LUV...and trust me when I tell you that ain't changing over night. That ain't changing when the ink dries on hers and my father's divorce papers. That ain't changing cuz I have my niece. Lawd that probably ain't never going to change.

I didn't wear jewelry...haven't for years. She states, "You never wear any earrings, let me buy you some." I say, "No." Months later I receive some hideous earrings in the mail with this detailed text about how I should keep them even if I don't like them. Huh? Who buys something for someone knowing they ain't going to like it? Who buys contact holders for someone who doesn't wear contacts. And it would be the thought that counts IF she didn't go all out for the gifts she gives my siblings. I remember when I got that contact crap all the stuff she got my brother who was going away to Iraq. She hand picked everything HE LIKED and gave it to him. She sent him care packages of things he liked until he told her to stop cuz his wife was sending him care packages...then she got in her feelings and sent his last care package box to me filled with stuff either I was allergic to or never have liked. But she's trying, right?

I am not that little girl I used to be. Nor am I the grown up version of she. I am so much more ---- better. Yet, I am not the best I can or shall be...but I will get there. I cannot afford to let my mother to take up residence in my intimate space and therefore I will be removing the link that gave her the courage to open up my door and try to walk on in.

My niece has to go back....I am determined to be free.

"There are casualties in war...I am fighting for my Freedom...the quickest and safest way for me to get there is to unload some of this dead weight...don't want my fate to mirror theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

Life isn't fair.


I know this.


I have known this.....



BUT


I don't cannot accept this.







I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.





I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.





I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.



So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.



I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.





I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This Child of Mine

Well it would seem that I have created a lil opinionated, self-expressive, stubborn monster.

So today I had to have the meeting with the Powers to Be at my child's school. He had been suspended for fighting his teacher, his vice principal, and his principal.


Did I mention that he is six and in the 1st grade? I mean Lawd Have Mercy what's a mama to do? to say? I mean at what point did he realize that this would not end up very well for him?

It's funny because when I called ICE and told him he said, "That is your child," and I am thinking what in the hamsammich is that supposed to mean....I ain't never been suspended from school for fighting my teacher and principals (notice, I did not say that I ain't never been suspended)

And when I told his Gams, she was like,"He a chip off the old block huh...he lil Mike Tyson...I bet they won't mess with him again." And once again I say, I was not a bad child. I was simply misunderstood and had they seen it my way things would had fared better for all involved. Hmph.

But the more I sat there and listened to his teacher explain the things that this lil boy does in class, the more I heard my inner voice saying,"Lawd, that is your child, he is like a miniature you." And well, that's not a bad thing but it's not a good thing either.

See, I ain't 6 and when I was six, I did as I was told whether I had an opinion on the matter or not. I may not like it but I did not always feel the need to express my disapproval with the situation right then and there. I was more of a planner. A get backer. I wasn't defiant (okay I was) but I wasn't disrespectful (okay sometimes but I was semi-grown). This lil boy here, if he feels that he has been wronged, he is going to plead his case until someone, anyone sees his point of view AND if no one sees it his way, he is not going to move on from the situation. He is going to emotional shut down.

So what am I to do? I mean in actuality, I created him to be exactly the way he is. I didn't treat him as if he was my property or an animal. I have always asked him what he thought about certain things and tried to train him to process things in a certain manner. However, I never really explained to him that just because I asked for his feelings on a certain matter, it didn't mean that I actually cared about what he was saying (does this sound harsh). I mean he is a child and I am an adult and frankly I do not want to hear feedback on everything I have told him to do. Do it and go tell your imaginary friends your gripes. Journal it. I don't care. But don't keep coming to tell me how you did not like that when I whooped you that I hurt your hand or that you don't think it's fair that you can't have water after a certain time because people need water to grow. I don't care!

It would appear that he has gotten my universal "I am not really listening to what you are saying but I do not want to be rude and tell you to put a sock in it nod" confused with my "I am listening and I care nod."

So I am sitting up in this meeting listening and I really want to reach over and shake his teacher. Now I know why this boy suddenly thinks our household is a democracy. She allows him to decide when he is going to participate in class or do his assignments. Hannah say what say what (I hate Disney Channel)! You allow a 6 year old mini-me decide when he is going to follow instructions? He is 6 with the thinkings of Pinky and the Brain. He wants to take over the world. He mastered the art of manipulation before he was 2 ( I kid you not). So when you stated to me that sometimes you think he is taking advantage of you, I say, "Um, you think?!?"

But the issue is this: We have a lil boy who is well advanced emotionally and even intellectually but socially he is a mess. How do we deal with him? How do we find a medium without crushing his thirst for knowledge and his assertiveness? I mean I want my child to think for himself and to be a leader not a follower BUT I also want my child to be obedient and do as he is told when he is told. Sounds like an oxymoron.

My child has watched me all of his life and well I do things quite differently. I have a gift for making it do what it do with what I have. He doesn't understand that everyone cannot go into Chucky Cheese with $5 bucks and a coupon with 5 kids and leave with everyone being fed and with a decent toy stuffed under their arms. He doesn't understand that when someone tells me something that I don't like or don't think is fair that I have earned the right to voice my opinions and give them my behind to kiss because I pay the bills (when I pay them) and the deed is in my name. He doesn't understand that at 6 he cannot freely voice his opinions with any and everyone. He doesn't understand that at 6, he cannot take matters into his own hand.


Yes, I have pushed my son and made him more independent than most 6 year-olds because well, I had to and because I wanted to. I am a single parent and I do not have time to be washing him up and dressing him until he is 10. I cannot cater to his every beck and call and even if I could, I would not. I do not want a Mama's Boy. I don't. I don't want to marry one and I do not want to raise one. I want to know that if I died right now that this boy can pretty much fend for himself. That he can count his money and see people for who they are...I don't want him believing everything people are throwing out at him...I want him questioning and researching what they are saying...BUT I want it done within reason.


I don't want him thinking that he has had a stellar day and therefore his teacher should have also picked him to go watch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and since she has evidently overlooked him that he is going to make it his business to go rectify the situation by walking out of class and going to watch the movie that he has already seen about 25 times. And then when he is approached about it, he gets all huffy and starts fighting them and tells them to move out of his way, get off of him cuz he is going home. And not processing it to the point to understand that he really doesn't want to be coming home to me after having that type of day.


So, they have decided to talk to CQP and develop a behavior plan for him. This should be good because CQP dotes on my child and thinks that even when he shows his entire behind that it is okay because he is a person and he has feelings and he has the right to express them. (smile) They are going to reward him for good behavior. Nice. Especially seeing that he is typically on Yellow (the highest mark you can receive for behavior) everyday. So he should be raking in the prizes...

I say they need to go ahead and scan my child's head and see if one of his wires have shorted out or something. Seriously, how does a behavioral plan work for someone who has behavioral issues once every 4 months or more? It's like putting a person who typically gets straight A's on an academic improvement plan after they flunk one test. It doesn't really address the issue(s).

Anywho, I don't think Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs is still on my child's must see list.

"Being a parent is hard work. Some days you will get it right and other days, well, you will wish your little bundle of joy had come with an instruction manual and an on and off switch. No matter how you feel, know tasing is never an option ; -) "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)