Thursday's Therapy~Stacking the Deck

Shuffle, Shuffle, Cut, Cut, Deal, Deal, Flip a Card, Deal

So, this is what the quack thinks I am doing to him. He thinks that I am shuffling up whatever it is he is asking me, cutting it down into segments that I can quickly manipulate, then dealing him out a heap of HORSE CRAP (but of course he used the word BullS) with one or two honest responses mixed in the HORSE CRAP.

It's quite interesting....

Whenever I would go to speak, he would whip out his imaginary deck of cards and begin to deal out my HORSE CRAP.

The things is, he would be dealing when I was actually being sincere and not dealing when I was giving him FILLERS or FLUFF not HORSE CRAP. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I have mastered the art of talking in circles to the point that even when I am being straight forward it is sounding like randomness? Or is it that I have been doing this for so long that I don't even know what I am really feeling? (I know that sounds crazy but it is possible to run from your feelings so much that you actually lose touch with what you are actually feeling...you begin to fool yourself) Or, is it that his male ego is so fragile that when he told me that he knew a lot about me and I laughed and said, "oh, really, a lot of people feel that way...but trust, just because I have sat and talked with you for an hour doesn't mean that you have learned anything about me. I can say a lot and not really say anything at all," that I damaged his ego?

So now, this week he is over there dealing cards and telling me that I am pouring it on and well, I wasn't. Or at least I don't think I was. Actually, I know I wasn't. I was having a really bad day, spent the morning in my car crying while talking to my uncle. (but that's a story for another blog in another location) And, well, I just didn't have it in me to talk in circles because I was already emotionally drained.

So my homework: (yeah this is gonna get old after awhile, if I wanted to be writing papers, I would go on back to my part time job of being a professional student.)

Write about why do I think I am in therapy. Why do I think I am ready for therapy. Why do I think I am not ready for therapy.

And if I simply write that I am ready for love, he will whip out that deck of cards and then I would probably wanna horse kick him.

"Masks, we all wear them, actually, we are taught to wear them, and even encouraged to wear them, whether it's to mask how we truly feel about a person or a situation, or to hide what type of individual or worker we are...we wear them. Some people have the ability to change masks as quickly as a person changing a hat or a pocketbook. Masks are fascinating and often necessary, but the danger with masks is: you wear them long enough, people won't be able to tell your representative from the real thing."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

You Can Take That to the Bank

I'm a dime piece!

Yup, you heard me right. That's what the security guards at the library told me.

Well they did not actually tell me, one old guard said to the other old guard: "that's a dime right there."

And seeing that it wasn't any coins on the floor and I was the only lady there sporting all of my teeth and a fresh shower, I had to believe they were talking about me.

Was that vain of me?

Well, I didn't know whether to be flattered or insulted. I mean here it is these old timers, I mean late 60 early 70s checking me out and trying to be hip. Isn't it a rule against that? And had they been flashlight cops, I would have told them something but since they already looked a little shaky and were tooting guns, I just looked at them and shook my head.

It was almost as bad as watching the 80 year old granny getting high off a dipper. Or driving around the Chi' and seeing 50 year olds still gang banging. It's like at what age will you leave the foolishness alone and grow the heck up? I mean don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Never Never land but I do believe at some point we have to put on our big girl and big boy drawls and play the part.

So maybe if Barney Fife and his partner would have done that they would have realized that I was more than a dime cuz I'm Top Shelf.

"There comes a point in time when we all have to leave our childhood behind and step into adulthood, whether we want to or not. There also will come a time when we will have to leave adulthood and experience that eternal peace. Therefore, don't waste your future trying to hold on to your past."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Therapy Thursdays

Okay first up, I know today is not Thursday, but it is the day that I go to therapy and well I couldn't post so I am posting now.


So, the jury is still out on this guy. He seems kinda spastic. My child likes him but then again, why wouldn't he, all they do is play games.

When I asked him what they talk about, he says I don't know but I beat him in checkers.

That's real encouraging.

Anyways, so on Thursday I have to go for my one-on-one session with him and well so far I'm not sure therapy is for me. I mean if I have to revisit the stuff that I have successfully forgotten about or put away, I don't think I am going to hang in there.

This past Thursday he hit a cord. I had to think about the top three awful things that happened to me at the hands of my parents. And well, at first I couldn't think of anything. I almost grabbed my phone to call one of my sistah friends to ask her and then it all came back to me like I was being swept away by a flood.

Let's just say that I had a stank attitude the rest of the day. He also gave me homework and well, I wanted to share the wealth...You know what they say, therapy is only good if you can share it with a group. (okay they don't say that but who cares)

Think about your childhood, how are you different now from then...how do you want your future to differ from your present.


"Yesterday is gone forever, today is what you make it, tomorrow has yet to be written. Stop letting people from your past who do not matter continue to write chapters of your life when you know they aren't going to stick around for the finale."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This is Dedicated to YOU ~ PIC

I have we, I think we all have one, if not, you should........

PARTNER IN CRIME

That's right, I gots me a ride or die chick. Now, they don't always have to be chicks, but in my case, mine is.

You know, regardless of the day or the hour, the color or the flavor, she is willing and ready to mobilize at the drop of a pin to get it in, whatever it is.

If it's donning Ninja Suits and jumping out on your dude or his car, she's down.

And in the rare occasions that she cannot join you on your escapade, she will have her ear glued to the phone giving you step by step instructions on how to wield a sledgehammer through your cheating man's door.

If you need to go underground for a sec or two, she's willing to hide you under her bed, in her closet, and allow you to go through whatever it is you need to do.

And on occasion, she will feed you, clothe you in a tube, and supply you with lube...you know help you do everything that you are scared or ain't supposed to do.

And most importantly, she will laugh at you.

So this post is dedicated to my PIC. We have had our share of ups and down. And times when we didn't want the other around. But you have been tried, tested and proven true (on most occasions cuz you do have your flaky moments). I never needed a Sasha Fierce because I always had you. You to tease me when I was hiding under a car, you to dress me when I needed to look fly, you to listen to me as long as I didn't cry, you to cover for me as long as it wasn't behind a tree, you to remind me of all the crazy, embarrassing, semi-illegal things I've done when I needed to remember where I come from. And for that, I

Yes, THANK YOU, Mcfly for being there for me, and helping me sort it out, regardless of the topic, regardless of the hour. Thank you for allowing me to grow without the judging eyes and for reminding me that I was 2Legit2Quit. From Tsenre' to Safeway, From Yor to Brown, From Teddy to T.I., oh and let's not forget your favorite: Kream. You were there to help me sort out and pick up the pieces.

It's funny cuz life has it's way of turning your world upside down. And well, right now mine is teethering, and so my thoughts are of you. At first, I thought it was because I needed wanted you to ride shot-gun while we go look for that fool. But now, I realize it's because regardless of the pain or the stressing, the trial or the tribulation, you thought me a valuable lesson:

To Laugh, Even When It Hurts

And for this PIC, I thank you. I thank you for allowing me to share my hurts, pains, and embarrassments. I thank you for giving me only laughter in return. ( I still don't think you should have laughed at me falling in that hole in the stage BEFORE you found out that I was okay) I thank you for sharing your family and giving me a safe place to call home. I thank you for not abandoning me until I was ready to stand on my own. I never needed an alter ego cuz I always had you. True we don't talk much at all these days, but you will forever be my cuzzo, my sistah, my friend. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine......

"To live, is to learn that not all of life's lessons are pleasant. Laughter is to Life, what Sugar is to Medicine, it doesn't take away the sting or the taste, it just makes for a smoother ride. Sometimes I want to just break down and cry, but instead I laugh, and so should you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

*****My internet is still shaky so forgive me yall. I will be in internet heaven this weekend and will be dropping pass all of your pages to catch up...so don't mind the late comments. Mr. Chap, I couldn't figure out how to leave a comment on your page...until then yall, forward moving.

Luv

You Have The Right to Remain Silent

(This is a rather long post)
In otherwords:


SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!

So the Po-Pos came a knocking at my door the other day and well I guess that's where the drama begins. See normally, if someone knocks on my door and I am not expecting company, I just let them knock. I don't care if they can hear me inside talking, laughing, crying, singing, or screaming .... I will proceed as if I don't hear the knock, that's just me, especially if it's at night. I just don't invite too many people into my personal space, literally or figuratively. But for some reason I answer...

Bam, Bam, Bam

Who is it?

It's the police! (So instantly my mind goes, oh no, did I go kill that sucka and black out? Seriously. Then I was like if my neighbor's called the cops because my child was making all of this noise, it is on. The next time he even sounds like he feena whoop his wife's tail, I'm gonna call about the noise)


Opening the door a crack, "What do you want?" I ask this slimey looking white non-uniformed guy standing at my door.


"I'm looking for a Ms. such and such...or such and such..do anybody by that name stay here?" (now I'm looking at this fool like you must got me twisted if you think that you are going to come knock at my door, not even sure if it's my door, and mispronounce my name and think I am going to identify myself..and where is your partner if you a po-po?) STRIKE TWO, Strike One was showing up at my door unannounced.


"Naw, don't nobody with that name stay here. " (I shut the door and tell my child to get his shoes on. Now, I am a little leary. As some of you all remember, one of my friends was killed a year ago and it started with a knock on the door by someone saying they were the police and then the FBI then a couple of days later she had bullets in her body. So I am literally in counter-attack mode. I am about to go MacGyver on his behind and then I hear dude talking to somebody, I tell my child to get in the room pronto. I open the door just in time to see a chick step out of the stairway onto the hallway of my floor. WTW, was this chick hiding in the cut waiting for me? Were these fools thinking they were gong to ambush me? What's really going on? Now, all I am thinking is that I have to get my child to safety. )

"Um, do you know anybody by the name of such and such or perhaps such and such?" (Once again this fool doesn't even come close to my name. What game is he playing?)


"Naw, why you looking for her?"


So now it's the chicks turn to talk, "Oh, we just want to talk to her."

And I'm thinking, yeah, good luck doing that. I watch them as they go back and forth and stare at this lil' piece of paper. Then the chick suggests the dude call whomever sent them looking for me. Dude calls someone and says now they not picking up. Yeah it's getting shakier by the second. Then these fools proceed to knock on my neighbors doors looking for me. And I am just laughing cuz most people don't know me at all and of the the ones that do, only six of them know my government name. But it doesn't seem right that they are basically shaking down my building looking for me. It just doesn't seem coplike.

So now I am like let me get my baby away from me. We need to separate. The sad part is my cell phone was lost and I don't have a house phone so I wouldn't be able to call for back-up right away. So, I walk down the hall and knock on one of my neighbor's door and the Po-Pos watch me and then I'm like I don't want them thinking this is where I live so I say loudly "I guess Idonthaveaclue is sleep." I keep knocking until they leave my floor and go down to the second floor. I then run to another neighbor's house and knock and when they opened the door I gave them the rundown and was basically like my child needs to stay here and if anything crazy goes down this is the person who should come get him.

So now that my child is safe I jump right back into commando mode. I don't hear anymore knocking so I assume the perps have vacated the building. I rush down the five flights of stairs hoping I can catch their vehicle so that I can get the tag number. I ask the WindowNeighbor if she let the perps in the building because our building is supposed to be secured. She doesn't know who let them in or if they have left the building. So, I run outside and check for any moving cars. I don't see any with them in it. As I am heading back to my building I spot the undercover po-po vehicle. I memorize the plates. Just because they now have been i.d. as legit po-po's don't mean they ain't dirty. So I head back into my building to search for them and immediately hear them questioning someone about me. Now that part doesn't bother me because they asked everyone that opened their door if they knew me. What bothered me was the person was giving them my information.

So you know I was like WTW. I flew up them stairs like I was on the dipper. I came around that corner and stared my neighbor down. If looks could kill, I would be writing about her funeral. So this is where the real fun begins. So it appears that the dude didn't like the fact that he had to walk up and down them stairs looking for me and so he decides that he is going to try and implore intimidation tactics on me. Lawd help this fool, don't he know who I am? I ain't afraid of no po-po. STRIKE THREE

So he goes into his aggressive, angry you are going to talk to me spill. And I simply smile and say:

"Do you have a warrant?" "Am I under arrest?" "Then I don't have to talk to you at all."

The look on his face, you guessed it: PRICELESS.

So, I eventually decide to talk to them only because the chic said it was about my child. So I lead them back to my place and made them stand while they tried to assure me that everything they did was "by the book." This is how they normally notify a parent that their child needs to go to therapy. (yeah, I am sure of it) And yeah, I got a glimpse of that white sheet of paper. No name on there. Just an address with an incorrect suite number. And a home number that I had six numbers ago.


Oh, my neighbor, yeah I went back and knocked on her door and basically told her next time to shut her big trap. Good thing I don't live a life of crime cuz I would have to take her out.


"Ignorance is never bliss. Know your rights and never be afraid to exercise them. And when you feel that your rights have been violated, never be afraid to fight for them."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Trying of My Faith

The Devil tried my faith.....


and he almost won.



But I prayed.


Yes, I got down on my knees and I prayed. And I prayed, and prayed. I even prayed some more.

I said: "Dear God, please let me find the sucka who has done this to my child so that I can bust him to the white meat. And dear God, please let me find his parents so that I can do the same to them. Amen."

Now I do understand that we have some outta town guests that have stopped by to rest their feet or maybe just to eat up all our good food. And I am sure some of them may be reading this and glancing to the right side of my blog and rereading that and thinking this doesn't sound very loving of Luv. Well, you need to read 10 to Life and then you will see that my Only busting them to the white meat would be very loving on my part.


So anyways, after several days of searching and suffering from excruciating headaches and sleepless nights I decided to pray a different prayer:

"Dear God, now I know you know that had this happened a year or so ago that there would be no praying on my part...I would have reacted by now and someone or someones would be dead. That person no longer exists so please help me get through this even if I cannot make sense of it. Amen."

And well, I finally went to sleep. And when I woke up, I was still mad as all out doors AND I still wanted to bust a cap in someone, anyone (I kept telling Jill Scott that if I hurt someone I would feel so much better) AND I still wanted answers BUT the rage was gone from my heart.


"Often times the right decision is not the popular choice and it sometimes comes at high price. We all fall down and sometimes we are even pushed down; nevertheless, all that really matters is what you decide to do before you get back up. If someone tells you that they have never fallen, it's because they have yet to realize they were always lying on their backs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's Electric...

Yeah my Swag has been electrified. It's like static cling, cuz every time I turn around something or someone is stuck to me.



(This was mentally written long before this recent madness crept into my life. It was supposed to be the post after the pics. But, I have been having a hard time getting on the internet to post.)



I wish someone could have taken a picture of my grin as I tossed the last bag into the dumpster. It was weird, it was like I was finally free. Free to go back to being me.

I walked outside with such a pep in my step. It was saying, "LOOK OUT WORLD, HERE I COME!" And boy was I planning to take it by storm.

I am sure dudes almost got whiplash snapping their heads trying to get a look at me. The funny thing was some of these dudes were the same dudes I walked passed everyday. Everyday...that never once gave me the once over and now they all in my face. Must be that electrifying glow they see shooting from my body that's gotten their attention.


Yeah, bagging up and dumping 9 years of pain, sorrow, and unhappiness will do that for you. It's funny, I can't even go to the library without someone being in my face: young, old, short, fat, bald, hairy...it doesn't even matter. They all want to get next me and well I just smile and politely take their numbers and keep it moving cuz this is my time to shine. And guess what...

IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

"They say time heals all wounds. The verdict is still out for me with regards to this. But I do know that sometimes you get knocked down and don't want to or know how to get back up, but in due time, you will find your way. Never give up and never count yourself out...God works miracles long after the final bell has rung"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This is a double post...please check out previous post.

10 to Life

That's what I keep telling myself as I try to process what's going on in my life right now.

I will probably get ten years to life and well, I just really don't care.

I am trying to be rational but my violent mama side is like "Hell to the Naw, let's ride!"

And those that really know me, know that I will ride. And not only will I ride but I also will pull a trigger and do a 1-8-7 on a man, woman, child, old, young, big, little, fat, skinny, short, tall...I will cap them all when it comes to my child. That's the long and the short of it.

So, I have been walking around for the last couple of days stressed anyways due to my health. It's somethings going on there that gots me racing to get some things in order. (see previous blog where I talk about Gone too Soon, I think..too antsy to check right now) Then, I am only able to connect to the internet like 5 minutes a day and on most days of late, not at all. So, I am over here writing my blogs on paper trying to release all of the madness from my spirit so I can move forward with my LUV mission. (I got's some funny stuff to tell yall)

And now this. And well the rational side is only winning because I have yet to come face to face with the perp...I had a very good chance of squashing my rage by busting someone in the head on the day it happened but Jill Scott foiled my plans. Talking about she didn't have any bail money, hmph, I had tried to give the heafa a blank check.

So, my child was sexually assaulted at school the other day and all I want to do is make someone pay. I really don't care who it is. Blood is blood as far as I am concerned. And that's what I want, Blood. I want a life because my child should not have to go through what he is about to go through. He shouldn't have to go to therapy every week. He should not have to talk to all of these strangers. He should not have to register with Crime Victim's Unit...He should not have to be forced to be anything other than the bratty child he is. But he is so I am seeing red...boy oh, boy am I seeing red.

The doctor and the social worker at the hospital has advised me not to talk to him until my rage subsides...I am not sure if I can wait until next year to address this with him. I know I need to bend these knees and ask Jah to take this hatred and rage from me, BUT I don't want him to. I want to kill someone, and then I want to sit and do my time with a smile on my face. Sure, I really won't be able to blog there but, who knows, maybe they will give me my own newspaper column.

"It is a given that the Devil retires only for a little while after your initial defeat of him. You never know when, where, or how he will attack again...but know this, just as surely as the sun sets and rises, he will attack again. He's sorta like a hater, he can't stand to see you shine. This is why you gots to stay prayed up everyday cuz you never know when the Devil might catch you slipping. I pray that I will not allow the Devil to steal my newfound joy."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

so needless to say the wireless connection dropped just as i was trying to post this thank goodness for automatic save

Dear John (final)

Dear John,

This has been a long time coming...it's been written and rewritten, stopped and placed on pause...
The love affair I have been having with you in my head has ended.
It's seems that after all of the editor's cuts, extended and alternate endings, that the original version still reigned supreme.

I guess it doesn't matter how many special effects and alternate endings you add after the fact because it's just that, after the fact.

It was like a teenage love affair filled with lessons learned valid for a lifetime. I realize that I couldn't live in the moment because I was too busy trying to catch you in a lie and so blinded by this task that I failed to see that we were living the lie.

Happily Ever After only happens in fairy tales. I was searching for a man but used to being with a boy. You were searching for a woman and used to being with a girl. I got a man and treated him like a boy. You got a woman and treated her like a toy. And so the story goes....

You made me want to be a better woman and so I shall be, but not for you or for the next man, but for me.

"They say it's better to have loved and have lost that love than to never have loved at all. I say "they" have never loved from the depths of their souls to the tips of their toes. They have never loved with their eyes closed shut and their hearts wide open. Becuz if so, they would know better than to say some dumb mess like that."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

So, like I said, I have been having computer issues and this thing didn't post when I tried to post and then when it finally posted, it posted the wrong thing... well it's be published now, so I will just leave it be... hmph.