Full Bloom

I started this blog for one purpose and by golly I am almost there!

Loving me ....

wow, what a journey it has been.
but it was well worth it.
there are some things that i will be sad about that i haven't accomplished
or that i did wrong
when i finally close my eyes for good
but learning to love myself won't be one of them

I wish that it was re-learning but my parents never taught me to love myself
how could they, when they were struggling with loving each other and themselves
probably why their marriage never had a chance of working
you can't build anything solid on a broken foundation.
especially not without love

my whole entire life, i have been chasing love
and running from it at the same time
makes a lot of sense, huh
love is patient, it is kind ... it endures all things
so what happens when the 'love' you see falls short?

you chase it but you don't do your best to catch it

just because things are, doesn't mean they have to be
i found that out by tearing down all of my walls
and taking a chance on loving me
oh how my world has changed....even with this lil cancer I have
i am the happiest i have been in a very long time
i am participating instead of watching life from the sidelines
folks around me have followed suit

so as another year is about to dawn
and more resolutions are about to be broken
i am content on doing what i have been doing these last 3 years
pushing forward while moving out of my own way
all while i continue to learn how i need to be loved
so i can fully tell my KISA when he finds me

"it's never too late to change things from what they are to what they need to be....living, life, love, it all will change when YOU make the steps to change it"

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I surely do .......smooches

Sweeping the clouds away....

I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought that my sunny days would be here by now.  *insert long heavy sigh*  I mean I had it all mapped it since I was yay high.  I was going to take over the world with my boys and the select few girls who didn't irritate me, by my side.  Things were going to be lovely.  I was going to live in a fat house that my girl designed.  Ha, that joker is now a pilot turned professional Peter Pan like myself.  I guess if I ever get rich enough to purchase my own plane, I can hire her to fly me where ever; it would be like old times: blank mission after blank mission

Some days I hate being a grown up even though when I was little, I couldn't wait to be one.  Responsibility is soooo overrated.  I was never allowed to be a child, even though I knew how to be in a child's place.  The things that I experienced should not been mine to experience. I spent my entire childhood trying to escape into adulthood and I have spent most of my adult life trying to recapture the childhood I didn't have.  A vicious non-fulfilling cycle.

Life is about choices, so they say.  But sometimes our choices are made for us, never believe they are not.  However, we still have a choice how we decide to respond to the choices that were made for us...so even when we believe we have no control, we really possess all of the control.  So what am I getting at with all this mambojumbo rhetoric crap?  Nothing really, then again everything going on in my life right now.

I did not choose to be sick.  However, I have the power to choose how and when I fight this sickness.  Folks who are privy to what is going on with me almost always exclaim how good I look.  This is always funny to me because I can't for the life of me figure out how I am supposed to look seeing how they just found out that I was sick.  But, I do get it.  I don't look like tomorrow may be my last day. *shrugs*  Like I told you before, my Nan told me that just because I was playing/living the part, I didn't have to look the part.  So yes, I am sick, but I don't choose to walk around looking sick...at least not as long as I can help it.

It's funny how God will come in and humble us.  I used to believe I couldn't let anything slide, ESPECIALLY when someone was trying to play my face.  Now that I have this enlarged heart, I choose to let just about everything slide...UNLESS it's dealing with my child (I keep 911 on speed-dial for emergency heart malfunctions).

It's soooo many things about my life that I wanted to change but didn't quite know how to get from A to B but now I know all I have to do is choose to make the choices that will get me to my final destination in the most joy-filled manner possible.

"Change is about making the choices that will give you the desired results with the least amount of stress and the most fulfillment"

Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely do (Smooches)

Not Dead....Yet

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I say what doesn't kill you makes you crazier.  I am tanking out, seriously.   There is so much to do, so little time (literally).  Some days I feel so overwhelmed and other days, underwhelmed.  That cold and hot with no inbetween.   But I am blessed...

.....beyond compare.

God has me, this I know. But it's the knowing and doing that I have a problem with.  For sooooo long I have been just flooring it; running over things and people who get in my way, pushing, pushing, pushing, forward to brighter, better days.  But the reality of the matter is, God has been moving things and people out of my way.  He has been taking care of me EVEN when I have failed to take care of myself.

So why should this time be any different?

Recently I drove 4 states away through the mountains doing an average of 85 mph...up and down the mountains at awesome speeds.  Just taking in the beauty that reassures me that there is a God and what a wonderful Mastermaker is He.  Well, imagine my despair when I got to my destination and realized I had no rear brakes.  Not a one.  It was metal to metal and then some...to the point that I had to get my rotors buffed out (or whatever they did to reshape them)  As I sat there and thought about how many times I could have become airborne, I almost cried.  All I could think was that God takes care of babies and fools!

So glad I am still seen as a babe in God's eyes.

What a blessing that He didn't allow anything to happen to me and my child. As the bills pile up (bags full), I have to remind myself of what God has allowed me to accomplish with a monthly income of less than $900.  I have not miss my primary mortgage payment yet. (all glory goes to God)  I have taken care of two kids, one of which does not belong to me. (all glory goes to God)  I have made huge leaps and bounds in becoming a better me (Luv is loving herself and YASSSSS, all glory goes to God)!  So what's eating me?

My panties are all in a bunch.

There comes a time when God does remove his loving-kindness and His grace.  He did it with his son.  And he was perfect.  What if this is the time that I am allowed to reap what I have sown?  What if all the stops have been pulled out?  What if this is the end and for somethings I am just a little too late?  I am sick and I have been ignoring it for a very long time.  But it's no ignoring it any more.  I know He has me and that His will, will be done.  But, I am a realist.

I rationalize just about everything.

I've been saving to buy a juicer because I have really lost my appetite to eat and when I do eat, I feel so sick afterwards that I don't want to eat again.  A few days ago, I got a text from a friend telling me to meet them Sunday because they wanted to give me a juicer.

Ain't God good?!

"Even when we are tanked out, way past empty, we have to remember that as long as we are drawing in air, that He is able and willing to fill us back up, if we just allow Him to"

~Gotta Luv Moi, cuz I Surely do (smooches)

No Longer a Caged Bird

I am flying free.
The eminence of death will do that to you.
It will force you to free yourself from all the things and people that really don't mater.
It will make you ask the hard questions and say things unfiltered.
Out of all of the folks in my phone, all 200+ names and numbers, 32 were selected to get a personal phone call if what they are calling to happen, comes to pass.
No rhyme, no reason...
My soul picked them, not my mind
Maybe they left footprints on my soul
Maybe they had made me a priority
Maybe they kept it real with me more often than not
Maybe they had given me the same consideration
I don't know
I didn't question it, I just went with the flow
I didn't force it or even review it, cuz when it is all said and done, it is what it is
Can't worry about hurt feelings and the whatnots. All that trivial stuff is just that... trivial.  It's funny because we about to separate the Friends from the frienemies...haha and some folks about to get a wake up call.  Folks who have secretly applauded my setbacks feena find out publicly that yeah, they not high on my priority list.
Focused like never before to move out of my own way and to keep pushing to the end.  Living and loving and forgiving ME.  Get your lighters out because you gonna want to see an encore.  Living without limits because I am finally free.

"Life is short so pack as many moments filled with everlasting memories as you can cuz you only live once."

~ Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

My Time is Running Out

Tick tock, tick tock, the seconds of my life are being measured out and well I am no more motivated to do anything about it than I was before I found out my untimely fate.

People take life for granted...thinking that we have all the time to get things right, to get the things we want and need and to say the things we want and need to say and of course to do all the things our hearts desire when the reality of it is LIFE IS HECKA SHORT!

Next week sometime I go find out exactly how long I have to get my mind right to decide to fight.  Fight for this life that has not had many sunny days...guess it's a blessing that I am so fond of the winter.

My body is shutting down, it's has had enough and well my heart and soul is right there with it. There is only so much you can ink on a page...I wish I could begin to explain the sorrow deep in my heart.

They told me that I am dying of a broken heart.  That if they could mend my broken heart they could begin to fight the cancer that is causing havoc on my organs.  I laughed and told them that I guess we know now where broken hearts go and it's not back home. They told me that they can save me, but I have to want to be saved.  I told them I was no Ho'.  They told me that I had to follow everything they told me to do to the T or they will kill me trying to save me.  I told them I was in the process of getting my burial stuff paid for cuz I was very confident of who I was and how this was going to play out.

I remember being mad at my favorite Unc for refusing to do what the doctor said to do and to quit smoking so he could live.  I remember being mad at my Aunt, his sister for refusing to take her insulin shots so she could live.  I snicker cause I know there will be those mad at me for refusing to change my colors to live.  But now I get it... sometimes when it is all said and done, all you have is your right to do what you what to do for you regardless of what everyone else thinks is best for you.  My Unc loved smoking, it was a part of his life, they couldn't tell him that the cancer would be in remission for the rest of his days so he decided to live out what days he had left doing what he did best, chain smoking.  He smoked a pack the day he finally closed his eyes for good.   My Aunt didn't like needles and there was no way in H-E-LLO that she was going to be sticking herself for the rest of her life...it was a lot of things she could stomach but that wasn't one of them and she refused to live her life like that and so she went into a coma and died before I could ever get to meet her, even though many say I have her spunk : )

Me... I don't know what my issue is.  I just don't want to do it.  The medicine is nasty and now I am always nauseous or in pain and I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I am eternally pregnant.  I have suffered enough and I am done.  I am tired of fighting. Of overcoming. Of trying to make a way. When this first regimen of juice and berries is gone, I am done.  Not going to waste no more money on it...nope, I plan to spend the rest of my days, hours, minutes, seconds on creating Moments that create lasting memories for me and my child... I plan on living like tomorrow isn't promised to me because it really isn't.

"Life is precious and unpredictable so we have to make sure we get from it what we can and leave the nonsense and drama in the backdrop."


Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Knocking on Death's door

i have been a knocking for some time now, it would seem unbeknownst to me so many questions, so few answers so it would seem that this here blog, this hear practice of learning to love Luv was actually my body's scream for help to save me i am dying of a broken heart, amongst other things when you have loved as i have loved and had the very essence of your being ripped away ....well it's easy to kind of give up and give way time isn't on my side, racing against the clock trying to gain valuable seconds indifference isn't going to get me there, but i can't seem to muster up the ump to get me there, or anywhere for that matter i am not afraid of dying, it's a naturally unnatural process that i have mentally prepared for a long time ago. but there are some things i would like to do over, do again, correct, do better....etc. there's so much running through my mind and on my heart and i don't really want to share it with anyone. i just want to be one with me to kinda process this mess, to get a master plan to beat this mess i don't want to die and my heart doesnt want to fight...whats girl to do?

Protecting My Queen

Lol, so everything is changing, yet everything is staying the same.  I guess this new layout is a bit more cleaner....i have heavier things to muse about so I will let the small stuff be just that ~ small.

I hate playing games, even when I am good at them.  And right now it feels like I am in a game, one that I have played before.  Different hand, same moves.  I am confused because I know that this is probably the final test before the ultimate breakthrough.  Do I sacrifice everything to save the Queen?  Do I go down fighting and lose it all?

I loved him.  I cannot deny it.  It shows when his number appears in my caller i.d.  It shows when he looks at me and smiles.  It shows when he calls my name.  It just shows which is why I don't play poker.  I still have feelings for him or my heart wouldn't get that twinge of pain every times he mentions one of his follies names.

I don't know what I want from him.  I don't know what I want for him.  I don't know why we are back at this place in this space walking around the giant elephant.  Too much has happened.  Too much time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds, but the truth of the matter is that love covers all and time just gives us the space to realize this.

I need to free him so he can let me be because when a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them.  He has showed me that he will leave me in my darkest hour.  What more is there to see?  True people change, but only when they see fit to do so.  Is he there....the million dollar question.

I know what I want.  I also know what I need.  He is a nice combination of both, so it seems.  My heart calls out to him, followed by my body.  My mind, yeah my mind is telling me to pull up the draw bridge and to blow up the Trojan Horse.

Why is it that we cannot walk away from the derailing train?  Why do we have to go down with it?  Even knowing days are numbered I still stick around hoping to turn the tables and to capture his Queen with my Knight.  It's a shame that instead of offending I risk the chance of being subjected to serious pain in the very near future.

"Things are changing and have changed but some things remain the same because we protect it instead of sacrificing the little thing to save the thing that holds the most value."


~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)