My Time is Running Out

Tick tock, tick tock, the seconds of my life are being measured out and well I am no more motivated to do anything about it than I was before I found out my untimely fate.

People take life for granted...thinking that we have all the time to get things right, to get the things we want and need and to say the things we want and need to say and of course to do all the things our hearts desire when the reality of it is LIFE IS HECKA SHORT!

Next week sometime I go find out exactly how long I have to get my mind right to decide to fight.  Fight for this life that has not had many sunny days...guess it's a blessing that I am so fond of the winter.

My body is shutting down, it's has had enough and well my heart and soul is right there with it. There is only so much you can ink on a page...I wish I could begin to explain the sorrow deep in my heart.

They told me that I am dying of a broken heart.  That if they could mend my broken heart they could begin to fight the cancer that is causing havoc on my organs.  I laughed and told them that I guess we know now where broken hearts go and it's not back home. They told me that they can save me, but I have to want to be saved.  I told them I was no Ho'.  They told me that I had to follow everything they told me to do to the T or they will kill me trying to save me.  I told them I was in the process of getting my burial stuff paid for cuz I was very confident of who I was and how this was going to play out.

I remember being mad at my favorite Unc for refusing to do what the doctor said to do and to quit smoking so he could live.  I remember being mad at my Aunt, his sister for refusing to take her insulin shots so she could live.  I snicker cause I know there will be those mad at me for refusing to change my colors to live.  But now I get it... sometimes when it is all said and done, all you have is your right to do what you what to do for you regardless of what everyone else thinks is best for you.  My Unc loved smoking, it was a part of his life, they couldn't tell him that the cancer would be in remission for the rest of his days so he decided to live out what days he had left doing what he did best, chain smoking.  He smoked a pack the day he finally closed his eyes for good.   My Aunt didn't like needles and there was no way in H-E-LLO that she was going to be sticking herself for the rest of her life...it was a lot of things she could stomach but that wasn't one of them and she refused to live her life like that and so she went into a coma and died before I could ever get to meet her, even though many say I have her spunk : )

Me... I don't know what my issue is.  I just don't want to do it.  The medicine is nasty and now I am always nauseous or in pain and I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling like I am eternally pregnant.  I have suffered enough and I am done.  I am tired of fighting. Of overcoming. Of trying to make a way. When this first regimen of juice and berries is gone, I am done.  Not going to waste no more money on it...nope, I plan to spend the rest of my days, hours, minutes, seconds on creating Moments that create lasting memories for me and my child... I plan on living like tomorrow isn't promised to me because it really isn't.

"Life is precious and unpredictable so we have to make sure we get from it what we can and leave the nonsense and drama in the backdrop."


Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Knocking on Death's door

i have been a knocking for some time now, it would seem unbeknownst to me so many questions, so few answers so it would seem that this here blog, this hear practice of learning to love Luv was actually my body's scream for help to save me i am dying of a broken heart, amongst other things when you have loved as i have loved and had the very essence of your being ripped away ....well it's easy to kind of give up and give way time isn't on my side, racing against the clock trying to gain valuable seconds indifference isn't going to get me there, but i can't seem to muster up the ump to get me there, or anywhere for that matter i am not afraid of dying, it's a naturally unnatural process that i have mentally prepared for a long time ago. but there are some things i would like to do over, do again, correct, do better....etc. there's so much running through my mind and on my heart and i don't really want to share it with anyone. i just want to be one with me to kinda process this mess, to get a master plan to beat this mess i don't want to die and my heart doesnt want to fight...whats girl to do?

Protecting My Queen

Lol, so everything is changing, yet everything is staying the same.  I guess this new layout is a bit more cleaner....i have heavier things to muse about so I will let the small stuff be just that ~ small.

I hate playing games, even when I am good at them.  And right now it feels like I am in a game, one that I have played before.  Different hand, same moves.  I am confused because I know that this is probably the final test before the ultimate breakthrough.  Do I sacrifice everything to save the Queen?  Do I go down fighting and lose it all?

I loved him.  I cannot deny it.  It shows when his number appears in my caller i.d.  It shows when he looks at me and smiles.  It shows when he calls my name.  It just shows which is why I don't play poker.  I still have feelings for him or my heart wouldn't get that twinge of pain every times he mentions one of his follies names.

I don't know what I want from him.  I don't know what I want for him.  I don't know why we are back at this place in this space walking around the giant elephant.  Too much has happened.  Too much time has passed.  They say time heals all wounds, but the truth of the matter is that love covers all and time just gives us the space to realize this.

I need to free him so he can let me be because when a person shows you who they are, you need to believe them.  He has showed me that he will leave me in my darkest hour.  What more is there to see?  True people change, but only when they see fit to do so.  Is he there....the million dollar question.

I know what I want.  I also know what I need.  He is a nice combination of both, so it seems.  My heart calls out to him, followed by my body.  My mind, yeah my mind is telling me to pull up the draw bridge and to blow up the Trojan Horse.

Why is it that we cannot walk away from the derailing train?  Why do we have to go down with it?  Even knowing days are numbered I still stick around hoping to turn the tables and to capture his Queen with my Knight.  It's a shame that instead of offending I risk the chance of being subjected to serious pain in the very near future.

"Things are changing and have changed but some things remain the same because we protect it instead of sacrificing the little thing to save the thing that holds the most value."


~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Starting a New Book

i love you & i've loved you for a very long time...

i was so insecure, so broken, so mad, so NOT the me that I wanted to be when i met you.

i was so angry and so down that nothing you did made my smile last or erase the feeling that i really didn't want to be around you.

i wanted to love you....i wanted to know that you would love me forever & a day....one day

i thought that if i sexed you up good, you would stay.

but then i started hating myself because i was better than that...i'm sure you knew that

i hated you for a long time

i was so hurt and so confused ~ but once again i was trying to use sex to validate my space, confirm my place in your life.

but i am better than that...you know that

i love you and have loved you for a long time and probably always will

sure folks know you as the store but they also know you as HIM

HIM ~ the one i think of when i am lonely

HIM ~ the one i want to run to when i am scared

HIM ~ the one i want to grow old with

HIM ~ the one i want holding my hand to the very end

i wish i could say it didn't hurt

i wish i could say that i won in the end

i wish i could say that we rode off into the sunset

i wish i could make time stand still

i wish i had seized more moments

so i would have more memories to share

but i am done looking back and analyzing this story of you and me

i can honestly say that i am finally free

i understand your season and am grateful for the lesson

i fully understand that LUV is capable of loving

and it all started with me loving ME

"Sometimes you have to give thanks even when you don't see the blessing because I know God hasn't forgotten about lil ole me."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (smooches)

31 Day Reset ~ Day 6

I put this 'L' up on my chest...or back (cuz this is a cape and not a superhero suit)

Anywho ~ todays assignment is to write a personal mission statement..basically a one liner or more telling you and the world and most importantly who and what LUV stands for... it's so important to define yourself or you will find yourself becoming someone else #mytruth

I value love in its purest form. I love to love and want to love and be loved. I value people that choose to not only think before they speak but who just plain ole think for themselves. I value people who are genuine and loyal....who are not just getwiths and yes sirs....who will let me know when I am right and when I am wrong and love me through it all. I am a very giving person and therefore value and appreciate other giving folks, whether it is time, money, services etc I will share my story... my triumphs, my pains, my successes before I die. I will continue striving to help those around me whether they realize they need help. I will continue reinventing myself and opening myself up to new possibilities. I will not let the lizard brain win nor will I ever dim my light again. I will continue to push through my pain and step out of my own way.

31 Day Reset ~ Day 5

How does it feel... lol, okay today's challenge/assignment is to rate how well I am doing things and well yeah sometimes judging yourself will call you some discomfort and/or pain

So in the previous post I listed my values....the things that I hold near and dear to my heart.... (YAY I have a heart, I don't need to go see the Wiz)

Well I think most of the things on there causes me some moderate pain when I think about it.. all except loyalty and friendship.... I am very loyal and I do have some very fulfilling relationships and friendships..I have learned to allow folks in and KICKED them to the curb when the time has come, the difference is I don't beat myself up over it any more...

I guess sometimes you can outslick a can of oil ; )

So right now I am in the process of putting everything into motion..

I am working on finding a job while pushing my own business forward

I am loving and trusting myself more which allows for me to love and trust other folks

I am traveling even though I am working with a shoe string budget

I am consulting God before I make any sudden movement

I am living....

31 Day Reset ~ Day 4

When I am alone, with no one there, and everyone is silent and I forget that God is watching, what matters to me?

Success matters to me even though I have spent the last decade running from it..It is what I am used to...it's what I am good at...failure is no longer an option

Money.. I want money even if it is so I can give it away

loving family, children, love, lasting friendships healthy relationships

serving and following God

peace loyalty integrity

a sense of accomplishment

acceptance

It doesn't quite make sense now but it was on my heart. : )