Maybe I Am Better THAN YOU....

Ha!  Folks kill me when they want to justify their laziness of getting out of their own way and picking themselves up out of their own vomit and filth with:  You think you better than me?! 

They say when you know better, you do better.  But that ain't always true now is it?!?  Oh, yes, I am in love with a married man.  Trust it's no Olivia and Fitz scandal, but it's something.   And even if we hadn't been rocking, knocking the boots all night long... (go 'head and date yourself), I would still love him and what he represents for me.  But that's a story for another day, that's not the turkey I aim to fry today.

I got some great and unexpected yet welcomed news the other day.  I got a job offer!!!!!!  All glory goes to Jah who continues to bless me even in my disgraced state.  An offer, not the job because I still have to clear background and credit.  And well that scares me because long before I was unemployed and underemployed, I was depressed and in mourning.  And while I was depressed and in mourning, I stopped paying my bills.  Not because I couldn't afford to, but simply because I forgot and when I remembered, I was too angry to pay them. 

I wanted to rebel.  I wanted to lash out.  I wanted to do any and everything differently than I had before hoping to make sense of the pain...make sense of my current life events...make sense of why God had took HIS grace from me.  Yes, I have on big enough drawls to admit again that I was furious with God.  Yes, I knew that unforeseen events and occurrences happened to the best of them, but I still deep down felt that I was special.  Felt that I had suffered enough in my childhood to get a pass on all the gruesome stuff I have been witness to in my adult life.  So when I didn't, I got mad and darn near pouted my life and good credit score away.

For a decade, I barely existed.  I wasn't even a shell of what I used to be.  I barely got by.  I became angry, embittered, and depressed.  I worked menial jobs afraid to take anything else because I no longer desired to put forth energy to be great.  I no longer wanted the stress nor the responsibility of greatness.  I wanted death, not just for myself but for every and anyone that had contributed to my pain. 

That was a dark time.  But even in those dark days, I still tried to help folks by planting seeds of DIY keys to success.  And I guess because many had met me in my present lying in my own filth, forgot-to-brush-my-hair-and-teeth state, they were taken aback by my bread crumbs.  Kinda like a skinny person saying they can throw down in a kitchen, much shade will be thrown. 

Folks thought I was trying to elevate myself by stepping on their toes by pointing out the obvious.  'You look stupid sitting at the back of the bus talking about how you let umpteen guys run a train on you.  And if your mama, aunts and friends won't tell you, hunty let me be the first to tell you, that is not the reason you want to be seen on public transportation.  You never know who is sitting on that bus, train, street corner and when your paths will meet again.  The same with social media.  You should always be mindful of what you paint as a representation of yourself.'  I never once was condescending or arrogant.  I did it from a place of love because I truly believe that we should lift as we rise even if I was currently lying on my back looking at the stars reminiscing when they were my homies.

So that has kind of been the theme when I have offered words of advice, encouragement, insight, what have you to folks that I honestly wish would do better, not for me, because they don't pay not ner one of my bills or pad my pockets, but for them because I believe they deserve something better than what life has currently given them.  But when they show me that they don't want anything to do with the light, I allow them to stay blind because I don't have the time.  I was having a hard enough time trying to get myself out of my own funk of comfortableness with mediocrity to fight with someone about theirs.

The difference for me I guess was that I was aware that I wasn't living to my full potential because I had already lived it....tasted it...experienced what it was like to be a mover and shaker.  I had scaled the mountain and reached the top; I was trying to help folks who couldn't see past the tip of their nose to realize that they were standing on top of an anthill and the mountain was before them.

So fast forward to this offer.  One that I had put on my vision board some 6 months ago.  One that I had prayed about and put in the work to get.  One that I may or may not get...

Yes, let's talk about that:

So, I mentioned to an acquaintance that I had an offer from a Federal agency that I was entertaining and that while I was excited, I was also scared.  My health well, it's still not that healthy and I was hoping that it wouldn't interfere with this job if everything cleared.  I told her how I was trying to hook up my friend with the agency but she was dragging her feet with applying and how the other folks who I had told, had followed through and things were moving for them as well. 

So, after accusing me of holding out on her she lbvs tells me to not to wait on my friend but to give her the information so she could apply and in the same breath tells me that I only got the job because I am a veteran and how veterans are taking all the jobs.  Then when I tell her I didn't use my veteran preference and seldom do; she goes on another tirade on why and how I must have gotten the job. 

Le sigh

It took everything in me not to blurt out the very thing I have been so adamant against.  Maybe, I am better than everyone that applied!

That's right, I said it.  I am better. Now what?!

I mean I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived the treacherous waters, packed inhumanely on a boat, in beyond deplorable conditions only to reach land to be further humiliated.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived being beaten, whipped, chained and hanged.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived separate but equal firebombings, Jim Crowing, Tuskegeeing,  bridge marching massacres, redlining, and poor schooling.  I am the descendant of the best my ancestors had to offer so heck to the yeah, I don't think, I know, I am better, which is why I try to do better....not just for me, but for those coming behind me.

I don't mind stepping on your toes when I try and pull your coat and let you know how to make this crazy game of life work for you too because I know that I am ALREADY elevated on the shoulders of those that came and sacrificed so much before me.  It pains me when I see folks letting opportunities within their reach get away simply because they think someone is hipping them to the game so they can feel superior. 

I told this acquaintance along with a gazillion other folks about the job fairs that I was hitting with Federal Agencies in attendance.  She like most of them chose not to attend.  I told her and a gazillion other folks about this hiring manager for the feds that was ripping up critiquing resumes, helping folks get them in USAJob tiptop shape.  I told this acquaintance about a lot of things and now I am scratching my head trying to remember one thing she has hipped me on....

"Sometimes while searching for an answer to even the playing field or justify why someone got a blessing that you think you deserve, hold up a mirror and do a little soul searching....is it that they believe that they are better than you, OR is it that YOU believe you are inferior to them.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself and those around you.  Elevate your consciousness and start believing that you are better and watch how you start doing better"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches