The Best Me....

Means letting go of fears and negativity while standing in my purpose.  Yup, easier said than done, but it's doable.

It's doable!  Yes Yes Yes  and mo' Yes.  I am claiming it, not just for me but for you as well.  You can and shall walk in your purpose. 

It's amazing what happens when you change your perspective about things and how the things around you start to change, no srsly.   Ha, let me stop.

I hated my life and everyone and everything in it and around it.  I allowed Satan and his minions rob me of my joy.  His minions were folks in my family,  folks in my building, folks on my block, folks at my child's school, folks on the bus, folks in my sister circle, just folks everywhere.  These folks were trying to get me off my square, make me lose focus and for a time there, they were winning, but then I stopped and was like enough is enough.

I was sick and tired of lying in my own waste.  I was knee deep in crap and as I tried to turn around in it, I realized that most of the manure didn't even belong to me.  I was holding on to anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, despair, betrayal, sadness,etc etc that didn't even have anything to really do with me.  And for the stuff that did, why was I carrying it around like a piss soaked homeless blanket?

I mean I was mad that I was poor. 

I was mad that I was sick.

I was mad that folks didn't love me. 

But, my being mad didn't change anything.

It was time for me to put all that negativity in a dumpster and be done with it.

So, I started really consciously loving on me.  Really loving on and speaking life into me.  Now, I ain't going to lie, this was hard because I was going through a really bad breakup and I really didn't want to get up let alone boost myself up; but, it had to be done.

If I wasn't going to love on me, how was I expecting MK or anybody else to love on me?  Try as we might, it just doesn't work like this.

I started getting in the mirror and having my own pep rally.  "Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay.  She is fierce, she is funny, she has a whole lot of money.  She is sexy to the core and she doesn't keep score of who loves who the best.  She loves her life especially her kid, she loves her big ole house and the peace and quiet and the job that pays her beyond very well.   Team Luv is generous and loyal too she is happy yes so happy because her world is no longer blue.  Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay." (Don't laugh, cuz it is working)

I started reminding myself what a bad mammajamma I was.  Before I walked into situations where I knew before I had felt less than either because I knew my money was short, or folks wouldn't think I was light enough to be included in the "pretty crew,"  I told myself that I was a Queen, I was rich beyond compare, that my money ran long and that my beauty was flawless because I did wake-up like this, no fillers, contouring, makeup, concealers, this was just naturally me.  (or some variation of this)  And on the occasions that I did this, it was amazing how folks' greetings or comments would mimic some of the words I had spoke in my affirmation before joining them.

Perspective.

I started traveling with the few coins I had and being thankful in the moments that I did have.  I went to the Dominican Republic where most folks make $5 a day.  That is $150 a month.  I get more than that in foodstamps.  I mean I am poor, but buying a Coke ain't going to cause me to evaluate life goals.  I am not over here saying, now if I buy this Coke, can I still put gas in my car or buy some food to feed Snoopy aka The Child formerly known as Chucky.  And when the foodstamps run out, I still have enough coins to get him something other than flour and water to eat.   I may not be balling out like folks around me, but I ain't living on the streets selling my body for my next meal either.  To a lot of folks in these other places I have visited, I am rich.

Perspective.

I am sick but I am not wheelchair bound;  I can walk and run, even if it does cause me pain.  I am not blind;  I get to see the sun rise and set.  I do not need a tube in my stomach to eat;  I can chew and taste at will.  I can hear the whining of Snoopy without the aid of a hearing device.  I can touch and feel my love's face in-between my hands.   Thank you Jah!!!   I may not be well, but I am far from really being sick.

Perspective.

Slowly but surely, as I have implored these little changes in my life, things in and around my life have changed.  My cash flow has grown.  My health has improved.  And people's love for me has blossomed.  

My season and breakthrough is here and all I had to do was change what my mind's eye focused on!!!

"Live your life like you are already living the life of your dreams, change your perspective and focus on the positive and watch how your dreams suddenly become your reality."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Maybe I Am Better THAN YOU....

Ha!  Folks kill me when they want to justify their laziness of getting out of their own way and picking themselves up out of their own vomit and filth with:  You think you better than me?! 

They say when you know better, you do better.  But that ain't always true now is it?!?  Oh, yes, I am in love with a married man.  Trust it's no Olivia and Fitz scandal, but it's something.   And even if we hadn't been rocking, knocking the boots all night long... (go 'head and date yourself), I would still love him and what he represents for me.  But that's a story for another day, that's not the turkey I aim to fry today.

I got some great and unexpected yet welcomed news the other day.  I got a job offer!!!!!!  All glory goes to Jah who continues to bless me even in my disgraced state.  An offer, not the job because I still have to clear background and credit.  And well that scares me because long before I was unemployed and underemployed, I was depressed and in mourning.  And while I was depressed and in mourning, I stopped paying my bills.  Not because I couldn't afford to, but simply because I forgot and when I remembered, I was too angry to pay them. 

I wanted to rebel.  I wanted to lash out.  I wanted to do any and everything differently than I had before hoping to make sense of the pain...make sense of my current life events...make sense of why God had took HIS grace from me.  Yes, I have on big enough drawls to admit again that I was furious with God.  Yes, I knew that unforeseen events and occurrences happened to the best of them, but I still deep down felt that I was special.  Felt that I had suffered enough in my childhood to get a pass on all the gruesome stuff I have been witness to in my adult life.  So when I didn't, I got mad and darn near pouted my life and good credit score away.

For a decade, I barely existed.  I wasn't even a shell of what I used to be.  I barely got by.  I became angry, embittered, and depressed.  I worked menial jobs afraid to take anything else because I no longer desired to put forth energy to be great.  I no longer wanted the stress nor the responsibility of greatness.  I wanted death, not just for myself but for every and anyone that had contributed to my pain. 

That was a dark time.  But even in those dark days, I still tried to help folks by planting seeds of DIY keys to success.  And I guess because many had met me in my present lying in my own filth, forgot-to-brush-my-hair-and-teeth state, they were taken aback by my bread crumbs.  Kinda like a skinny person saying they can throw down in a kitchen, much shade will be thrown. 

Folks thought I was trying to elevate myself by stepping on their toes by pointing out the obvious.  'You look stupid sitting at the back of the bus talking about how you let umpteen guys run a train on you.  And if your mama, aunts and friends won't tell you, hunty let me be the first to tell you, that is not the reason you want to be seen on public transportation.  You never know who is sitting on that bus, train, street corner and when your paths will meet again.  The same with social media.  You should always be mindful of what you paint as a representation of yourself.'  I never once was condescending or arrogant.  I did it from a place of love because I truly believe that we should lift as we rise even if I was currently lying on my back looking at the stars reminiscing when they were my homies.

So that has kind of been the theme when I have offered words of advice, encouragement, insight, what have you to folks that I honestly wish would do better, not for me, because they don't pay not ner one of my bills or pad my pockets, but for them because I believe they deserve something better than what life has currently given them.  But when they show me that they don't want anything to do with the light, I allow them to stay blind because I don't have the time.  I was having a hard enough time trying to get myself out of my own funk of comfortableness with mediocrity to fight with someone about theirs.

The difference for me I guess was that I was aware that I wasn't living to my full potential because I had already lived it....tasted it...experienced what it was like to be a mover and shaker.  I had scaled the mountain and reached the top; I was trying to help folks who couldn't see past the tip of their nose to realize that they were standing on top of an anthill and the mountain was before them.

So fast forward to this offer.  One that I had put on my vision board some 6 months ago.  One that I had prayed about and put in the work to get.  One that I may or may not get...

Yes, let's talk about that:

So, I mentioned to an acquaintance that I had an offer from a Federal agency that I was entertaining and that while I was excited, I was also scared.  My health well, it's still not that healthy and I was hoping that it wouldn't interfere with this job if everything cleared.  I told her how I was trying to hook up my friend with the agency but she was dragging her feet with applying and how the other folks who I had told, had followed through and things were moving for them as well. 

So, after accusing me of holding out on her she lbvs tells me to not to wait on my friend but to give her the information so she could apply and in the same breath tells me that I only got the job because I am a veteran and how veterans are taking all the jobs.  Then when I tell her I didn't use my veteran preference and seldom do; she goes on another tirade on why and how I must have gotten the job. 

Le sigh

It took everything in me not to blurt out the very thing I have been so adamant against.  Maybe, I am better than everyone that applied!

That's right, I said it.  I am better. Now what?!

I mean I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived the treacherous waters, packed inhumanely on a boat, in beyond deplorable conditions only to reach land to be further humiliated.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived being beaten, whipped, chained and hanged.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived separate but equal firebombings, Jim Crowing, Tuskegeeing,  bridge marching massacres, redlining, and poor schooling.  I am the descendant of the best my ancestors had to offer so heck to the yeah, I don't think, I know, I am better, which is why I try to do better....not just for me, but for those coming behind me.

I don't mind stepping on your toes when I try and pull your coat and let you know how to make this crazy game of life work for you too because I know that I am ALREADY elevated on the shoulders of those that came and sacrificed so much before me.  It pains me when I see folks letting opportunities within their reach get away simply because they think someone is hipping them to the game so they can feel superior. 

I told this acquaintance along with a gazillion other folks about the job fairs that I was hitting with Federal Agencies in attendance.  She like most of them chose not to attend.  I told her and a gazillion other folks about this hiring manager for the feds that was ripping up critiquing resumes, helping folks get them in USAJob tiptop shape.  I told this acquaintance about a lot of things and now I am scratching my head trying to remember one thing she has hipped me on....

"Sometimes while searching for an answer to even the playing field or justify why someone got a blessing that you think you deserve, hold up a mirror and do a little soul searching....is it that they believe that they are better than you, OR is it that YOU believe you are inferior to them.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself and those around you.  Elevate your consciousness and start believing that you are better and watch how you start doing better"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Really Don't Like Women....

But they are really good at giving me emotional support when Old Spice ain't treating me right.  And yes, by right, I mean spoiling me and giving me my way. 

Seriously, I used to not don't like women.  I can do without all the catty, backstabbing, gossiping, messiness, and the list goes on and on.  Maybe it's because I was the only girl sandwiched between two boys for so long.  Or maybe it's just because my tolerance level for foolishness is so low.  But whatever it is/was, I have been this way since I was kneehigh.  I gravitate to males.  It's easy, it's simple, it's less stress. 

Lol, well it USED to be less stress.  Now we got men that are just as catty and messy and that gossip and backstab more than women.  The world is definitely in a handbasket headed straight toward an inferno.
I don't know what is happening...if it is being 26 again or if women are finally catching up to where I am, but I am finding that I have let more and more of them into my inner circle, gloves and masks off... just me.


And I like it...no, I love it!!!  I love my sister friends.  I love letting my hair down and figuring out what we need to do to win.  Win at finances.  Win at family.  Win at careers.  Win at friendships.  Win at relationships.  just Win Win Win.   But most importantly, how to pick ourselves up as we perfect this art of winning.

I am finding that I love supporting and being supported by women who are trying to make it do what it do, just like me.  No pressure.  No competition.  No stress.  Just genuine love and support.  And trust me when I tell you that when women breathe life into other women, amazing things happen.

We are the mother of civilization.  Without women, there would not be a human race.  We are the first teachers.  Just think if we banded together and taught nothing but love, peace, and respect what the world would be....could be.

Right now, I have some sister friends that are helping me open up and tell my Truthz by them sharing theirs...the good the bad the ugly...and we all have ugly, no matter how we package it, shape it, or shake it...we all have skeletons, demons and fears that we need to address so that our future will be free of unnecessary mess.

My PIC  and Fizzle Mama are doing some amazing things and are on amazing journeys and I couldn't be happier because that means I too am doing some amazing things and on an amazing journey.  When they succeed and knock down walls, so do I because we on this life train together.... laughing, living and learning and hopefully we won't get put off anytime soon cuz we got a lil color to our skin.  

"Recognizing another queen's dopeness doesn't make you a princess."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches